Maybe This Christmas

by Susannah Nix

  She should have been annoyed he was here when she hadn’t felt like talking to anyone, but she wasn’t annoyed at all. She was relieved.

  “Can I come up?” he asked, and her heart clenched a little remembering a time when he wouldn’t have needed an invitation.

  “Of course.” Alex gestured for him to hurry before her mother appeared and started asking nosy questions. “What are you doing here?” she asked as she shut her bedroom door behind them.

  Lucas shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “If Alex won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will have to come to Alex.”

  “Are you the mountain in this scenario?”

  “Well, yeah. I thought the metaphor was obvious.”

  “Okay.” Alex sat on the floor at the foot of her bed and pulled her knees to her chest.

  Lucas sat beside her, leaning back against the mattress and stretching out his long legs. He was wearing his “nice” dark-wash jeans and a lumpy crew-neck sweater that made his torso look as round as a beach ball, which was unfortunate because his torso definitely was not round.

  “I’m sorry about Riley,” he said.

  Alex sighed. “How did you know?” She hadn’t told Lucas she and Riley had broken up. She hadn’t told any of her high school friends, because she didn’t want to talk about it. She’d wanted to forget about it while she was home for winter break, but of course she couldn’t. It followed her wherever she went.

  “Your mother told me. She texted me actually, and asked me to come over.”

  “Of course she did.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” Lucas asked.

  “I think she’s trying to set us up.”

  He gave her an odd look. “I think your mother’s smarter than that. She probably just thought you could use a friend.”

  Maybe he was right. Maybe she didn’t give her mother enough credit.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Lucas asked quietly.

  Alex shook her head. “No.”

  “Okay.”

  She decided it was time for a subject change. “How was Christmas with your dad’s girlfriend?”

  Wrinkles sprouted across Lucas’s forehead underneath his cowlick. “Weird.”

  “Weird how?”

  “He’s different around her.”

  “Different how?” Alex asked.

  “I don’t know.” The wrinkles in his forehead got deeper. “Happier, I think?”

  “That’s good, isn’t it?” She didn’t understand why he was frowning about his dad being happy.

  “Yeah, it is. It’s just weird. I’m not used to seeing my dad happy. It’s like he’s this whole other person I’ve never met before.”

  Lucas looked sad, and Alex didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. Back when they’d been best friends, a million years ago, she would have squeezed his hand and rested her head on his shoulder. But she wasn’t sure he’d want her to do that now. She wasn’t sure she had the right.

  But he kept on looking sad until Alex couldn’t stand it anymore, and she slipped her hand into his. Their fingers twined together like a key fitting into a lock, and when she squeezed, he squeezed her back.

  It went so well she dared to lay her head on his shoulder, just like she used to do. She half expected Lucas to recoil, but he didn’t. Instead he did the opposite, and leaned toward her to make the angle more comfortable for her. Just like he used to do.

  His ugly sweater smelled like roasting turkey and underneath that like some kind of manly scented deodorant or cologne. But underneath that he smelled like Lucas. Like her Lucas. The familiarity of it made her chest expand until she was afraid her ribs would bruise.

  “I’m sorry you never knew your dad happy before,” she said. “That’s sad.”

  “Sadder for him than for me,” Lucas said, and Alex squeezed his hand again.

  “It’s gross to think about our parents having love lives,” she said.

  “I know, right? We shouldn’t have to think about it at all.”

  “Is your dad’s new girlfriend a good cook at least?”

  “Not as good as your mom,” Lucas said. “But she’s okay. And she’s nice, which is the most important thing. Theo loves her.”

  “Theo loves everyone though.”

  “It’s true. He even loves you.”

  “Hey!” Alex lifted her head to fix him with a mock glare. “I’m very lovable.”

  Lucas grinned at her, and she felt herself smile in response. He looked really good. Yes, he had a horrible sweater on, but it had probably been a gift, and Alex appreciated that Lucas was willing to wear a horrible sweater to make someone else feel appreciated. And even that horrible sweater couldn’t hide the fact that Lucas was hot, which was something else Alex appreciated about him.

  But then she remembered Riley, and all the feelings of heartache and inadequacy that she had momentarily forgotten came rushing back.

  They were compounded by an extra heaping of failure because this had been her first relationship with a woman and her first attempt at embracing her sexuality since she’d realized her attraction to other girls was something she could actually act on.

  It had always been there. For a long time she’d thought it was just how everyone felt. Didn’t all girls have a crush on Justin and Britney at the same time? But then she’d realized that no, not everyone was turned on by both boys and girls.

  It had been vaguely confusing, until eventually it wasn’t. She couldn’t even remember the moment it became clear, which was dumb, because that seemed like something you were supposed to remember. Weren’t you meant to have a story about the moment you realized you were queer and the circumstances that had inspired your epiphany?

  Alex didn’t have a story. It hadn’t struck like a lightning bolt. It was more like having breasts. Like how for a long time your chest was flat, and then at some point it wasn’t anymore, but you didn’t notice it changing until it had changed.

  Even after she’d accepted it, it had taken her a long time to act on it. Sex had been so much simpler when she was with Lucas. But once Alex found herself a free agent out in the wide world with the freedom to pursue women if she wanted, all those emotions and the social conventions that went along with them became a much scarier thing to navigate for the first time. What if she tried it and changed her mind? Did that make her a fake or a tease? It had been difficult for her to convince herself that this was a space she belonged in. Far easier not to act on it at all.

  But then Riley had come along, and she’d made it all seem so easy.

  Except maybe it wasn’t that easy after all, because Alex had screwed it up.

  That was the thing that bothered her the most: she’d thought they were happy. Like, really happy. Only clearly Riley hadn’t felt the same.

  So maybe Alex didn’t know what happiness felt like after all.

  “I should have known it was coming,” she said with a deep sigh.

  Lucas gave her a questioning look.

  “Riley breaking up with me. I knew she was going to law school and she wasn’t looking at any schools in Texas. It’s not hard to put two and two together.”

  “Did you ever think about following her to law school?” Lucas asked.

  Alex let out a bitter laugh. “I think that’s why she broke up with me, actually. Because I mentioned it once, in a sort of offhand way, when I was talking about job hunting after graduation. Like, ‘Maybe I should just go wherever you end up and look for a job there.’ Riley’s face kind of froze, and I changed the subject real fast. I never mentioned it again, but it was too late.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lucas said. “That sucks.”

  “Yeah, so, I think I’ve sort of known this was coming on some level. I knew she didn’t want me to come with her, which meant we had an expiration date.”

  “You can see a bad thing coming and still feel terrible when it actually happens.”

  Alex looked at Lucas and marveled at how kind he could be. “Is that
how you felt? When we broke up?”

  Lucas looked down at the floor. “Yes.”

  Alex had no idea why Lucas was here. She didn’t feel like she deserved him and all his kindness after the way she’d cast him aside.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  He shrugged, and it made her want to hold him. But something stopped her from doing it. Instead, she nudged him with her arm. “It gets better though, right? I’ll get over Riley just like you got over me.”

  “Sure. Yeah, definitely.” For a fleeting second she wondered if Lucas had gotten over her, because of how flat his voice sounded. But then he looked up with a grin on his face and said, “Were we even together? I barely remember it.”

  “You’re teasing me.”

  “I’m almost always teasing you,” he said, still grinning.

  “No,” Alex said. “You’re hardly ever teasing. You’re always pretending to tease, but really you’re telling the truth.”

  “No, that’s you,” he said. “You’re the one who does that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Pretty sure.”

  She was smiling despite herself. Being with Lucas had always been easy, and their happiness hadn’t just been an illusion or only on one side. So maybe Alex did know what happiness felt like. The question was if she’d ever be able to find it again.

  “I think I’m too much for people,” Alex said. “I was definitely too much for Riley.”

  “Then she didn’t deserve you,” Lucas said with a vehemence that surprised her.

  “Is that what you think?”

  “When we were together I couldn’t get enough of you.” His face had gone all soft and sincere, and the way he was looking at her made her eyes burn and her throat clog with words she was too chicken to say out loud.

  “Now you’re teasing,” Alex said to mask all the feelings that were trying to leak out of her eyes and her mouth.

  “I would never,” Lucas said with mock seriousness.

  “It’s funny,” Alex said, “but right now I’m having a hard time remembering why we didn’t work out.”

  “I think the fact that we live in different cities had something to do with it.” He looked sad again, and she was pretty sure this time it was her fault.

  “Right,” she said. “Now I remember.” The three and a half hours between Beaufort and Austin was still a serious barrier, even if she was ready to open her heart again, which she wasn’t.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the beach?” Lucas asked. “It might cheer you up.”

  “Fine,” Alex said, standing up. She was willing to go if it would cheer Lucas up. Anything was better than seeing that sad look on his face.

  Six

  Lucas

  December 25, 2015

  “Is Alex coming this year?” Gabby asked Lucas. “She’s not laming out on us, is she?”

  “I don’t know,” Lucas said. “I haven’t heard from her.”

  They were a small group at the beach again this Christmas, despite the unseasonably temperate weather. Every year it seemed like their numbers dwindled.

  Lucas looked around the circle of camp chairs facing the fire and wondered how much longer they’d be able to keep up the tradition, now that most of them had finished college and made lives in other places. Maybe this year would be their last.

  Gabby was living in San Francisco. Farley was in law school in New Haven. Oscar was in Houston, working for one of the big oil companies. Linh was in vet school in College Station. Only Chris had moved back home, after he’d torn his ACL, and he hadn’t even come out tonight. Pretty soon everyone would be getting married and starting families of their own. Eventually they’d stop coming home for Christmas altogether, because home would be someplace else.

  Tonight it was just Gabby, Oscar, Ana, Linh, and Farley. And Lucas had brought Kelsey, of course. His girlfriend.

  He’d been a little nervous about it. Kelsey had only been a year behind them in high school, but their paths hadn’t crossed much. She’d run with the art crowd, and she hadn’t been in any honors classes like the rest of them.

  Lucas only vaguely remembered her from high school. She and some of the other art students had helped paint sets for the theater department once. He almost hadn’t recognized her when they ran into each other in the coffee shop at Beaufort Community College. Kelsey’s hair had been dyed black in high school, but now it was bright turquoise, like the color of the fake lagoon at the St. Lucie Resort on the seawall.

  Lucas had been afraid his friends might be weird about Kelsey. About him dating someone from high school. Someone who’d only gone to community college like him. Someone who wasn’t Alex.

  He needn’t have worried. His friends had taken to Kelsey like she’d always been a part of their group. Because Kelsey was great. Everyone loved Kelsey. He should have known it would be fine.

  She was sitting in the sand on the other side of the fire, talking to Linh about vet school. Kelsey loved animals. She volunteered at the island’s no-kill animal shelter, walking dogs and cleaning litter boxes.

  Farley handed Lucas a fresh beer and dropped into the empty camp chair beside him. In high school Farley’s hair had always been long and shaggy, but it was shorter now—neater and more stylish, like a lawyer’s hair should be.

  Lucas rubbed a hand over the back of his head. He kept his hair trimmed short on the sides to beat the heat on his job sites. His hair was neat, but it wasn’t stylish like Farley’s. It was practical. A construction worker’s hair.

  “Where’s Alex?” Farley asked, stretching his legs toward the fire. “She coming or what?”

  “No idea,” Lucas answered, feeling unreasonably irritated.

  Why was everyone always asking him about Alex, like he was her social secretary or something? He’d barely heard from her in months. Ever since he’d told her about Kelsey at the end of the summer, she’d noticeably pulled away—and he’d let her, because it didn’t feel right texting an ex-girlfriend when he was with Kelsey.

  “Maybe I’ll text her.” Farley dug his phone out of his jeans pocket. It was a fancy new iPhone. The latest model, that unlocked with just your thumbprint.

  “Good idea,” Lucas said, tipping back a mouthful of beer. As long as no one expected him to do it.

  “You know if she’s seeing anyone?” Farley asked.

  Lucas coughed, and some of the beer tried to come out of his nose.

  Farley snorted with laughter. “Oh my god, your face! You should see it, dude!”

  “Are you fucking with me?” Lucas said when he recovered enough to talk.

  “Of course I’m fucking with you! You really think I’d ask out your ex?”

  “I don’t know. You could, I guess.” Lucas tried to sound like he didn’t care, but he did care. He shouldn’t, probably, but he did.

  Alex was absolutely allowed to date other people. Lucas was fine with that. But something about the idea of her dating Farley left a sour taste in his mouth.

  Which wasn’t fair. Farley was good people. He was one of Lucas’s oldest friends. On top of that he was charming, good-looking, and rich. As far as Lucas understood such things, Farley was a catch.

  “I know how you feel about her,” Farley said, which Lucas found highly unlikely, since Lucas didn’t even know exactly how he felt about Alex.

  “That’s all ancient history,” Lucas said, still trying to play it cool. “We broke up four years ago. I think I’m over her.”

  “Still. You and Alex are…you’re like Miley and Liam. Written in the stars or something.”

  Lucas glanced at Kelsey with a pang of guilt and shook his head. “I’m with Kelsey now. It’s not like that.” Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth seemed kind of dysfunctional. Lucas wasn’t sure he wanted to be part of a couple like that.

  Things were good with Kelsey. Easy. He liked easy. Easy wasn’t a bad way to live.

  “If you say so.” Farley shrugged. “I’m still not putting the moves on your ex. Not
that she’d have me anyway. She’s way too cool for me.”

  “That makes two of us,” Lucas said.

  Alex showed up a half hour later. She’d grown her hair out since last year. It was almost down to her shoulders now.

  Lucas hung back with Kelsey while Alex hugged Linh and Gabby and the others. When it was his turn he hugged Alex quickly, letting go almost as soon as he’d touched her.

  “You remember Kelsey?” Lucas said, slipping an arm around Kelsey’s waist.

  “I think we had a computer class together,” Kelsey offered.

  “Oh right, with Mr. Crump.” Alex smiled in a way that looked genuine, and Lucas relaxed a little.

  “Crump the Grump,” Kelsey said. “God, he was the worst.”

  They laughed about it and Lucas relaxed even more. He wasn’t sure why he’d been so tense. Everything was fine between them. They were just friends now. Normal, casual friends.

  They chatted about Kelsey’s photography for a few minutes. She had an Etsy store and had sold a few prints of her photos, but she was also trying to build her portfolio as a portrait and wedding photographer because it paid a lot better than art photography. Then Alex told them about her new job in Austin. She was working as an administrative assistant at a tech company, but was hoping to find something in full-time event planning soon.

  “She’s nice,” Kelsey said after Alex wandered off to catch up with Gabby, who didn’t make it back to Texas very often.

  “Yeah,” Lucas agreed. “She is.”

  “Didn’t you two used to date in high school?”

  “Uh huh,” he answered around a mouthful of beer. “Like a million years ago.”

  “It’s really sweet that you’re still friends,” Kelsey said.

  He supposed it was.

  “I like her,” Alex said, approaching Lucas later when he was digging through the cooler in search of another Lone Star.

  Lucas straightened, brushing the ice residue off the top of the can. “Me too.”