A Grey Wolves Howliday

by Quinn Loftis

  “If she won’t let you touch her,” Lucian began. He pulled his shirt over his head and then continued, “Then it’s because of her wolf. She’s grieving the loss of her alphas. The bond between the alpha pair and the pack is as unique as the bond between true mates, though different, of course. Every member of the pack will grieve differently. You are pack, but you don’t have a wolf inside of you that is attached to its pack leaders.” He paused and seemed to look Adam over again. “But you do have that bond with your mate, and you are taking on the physical weight of her mourning. I didn’t notice it yesterday. But it’s more than that,” Lucian said softly, mostly to himself it seemed.

  “I didn’t either,” Decebel admitted. As beta, he should have realized something was wrong. Over the past few months, the majority of the pack that didn’t live in the mansion had stayed in their own homes. Fane and Jacque had met with every pack member, checking on them, ensuring they were dealing with their grief in a healthy manner, especially for their wolves. Even now, Decebel could feel the bond to his new alpha. Fane loved their pack. He always had. Vasile had taught him from a very young age what it meant to be the alpha.

  Since Fane had taken on the pack bonds, there had been a steady pulse of power being sent out through the bond to every wolf in their pack. As Decebel stared at Adam, he wondered if maybe the bond between him and Fane was different, perhaps not quite as strong because what tied Adam to the pack was Crina. There was no beast in Adam to be connected to Fane’s wolf. “Lucian,” he said, turning to look at him. “How is Peri doing?”

  “She has good days and bad,” Lucian admitted.

  “And you, your wolf?” Decebel asked.

  “I think that sometimes, because we are so long lived, we forget we are all appointed an end to this life. My wolf and I have come to a place of peace about my brother’s death and the death of his mate. I will miss them, of course. But my main focus now is my mate and this pack. Peri doesn’t naturally turn to me for comfort or affection, but we’re working on that. Though she’s seen it with her own eyes and knows how vital touch is to our wolves, she sometimes has to be reminded.”

  “How do you remind her?” Adam asked.

  Lucian’s lips lifted in a crooked smile. “I bite her.”

  Decebel nodded. “Good advice. But be warned, it could go one of two ways. She either submits, or she throws things at you.”

  The fae looked more confused. Decebel sighed. It was hard to explain the nature of the dynamics of a true mate pair when both weren’t wolves. “Adam, can you flash and bring Fane here?” he asked the fae.

  “Can he help her?” Adam asked as he lowered his head.

  Decebel walked over to the fae and placed his hand on Adam’s shoulder. He squeezed tight so Adam would look at him. When he had the fae’s full attention, it was his wolf who spoke. “It does not make you any less of a mate to ask for help from your alpha. It makes you a wise mate.”

  Adam shook his head. He seemed to wrestle with the wolf’s words. “I’m not a wolf. Am I enough for her? Because standing on this side of the supernatural line, I feel completely out of my depth.”

  “You are her true mate, made for her and she for you. That doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you both need help. Jen has spent a lot of time with Jacque. Their bond has changed since Jacque has become the alpha female. She can give my mate something I cannot. That doesn’t make me any less essential to her,” Decebel explained, hoping he was getting through to Adam. It was obvious, now that the fae had removed his mask, that the man was hurting deeply.

  “I’ll get Fane,” Adam said. Decebel dropped his arm, and the fae disappeared a second later.

  “B, you okay?” Jen asked, her worry coming loud and clear through their bond.

  “I’m fine, baby. We’ll talk later.”

  There was a pause and then she said, “Okay. Love you.”

  “And I you.”

  Adam, Fane, and Costin appeared a minute later. Decebel wasn’t surprised that Fane had brought his third. Costin, though young, had been through a ton of stuff most older wolves had not. He had plenty of wisdom when it came to pack dynamics.

  “Tell them what you told us,” Decebel said to Adam.

  By the time Adam was finished telling Fane and Costin how Crina was doing, he was sitting on the ground with his knees bent and his forearms resting on them. He was a mate who had no idea how to help his female, and it was tearing him up inside. Decebel and the three other males squatted down next to Adam. They had all been in his shoes at one time or another. The fae male would have to learn that this was the purpose of the pack.

  *****

  Jacque had been watching Crina all day, so much so that she was beginning to feel like a creeper. But the new alpha female couldn’t help it. She could tell a member of her pack was struggling. Yesterday, Crina had seemed a little off, but Jacque had assumed the she-wolf’s mood had something to do with Adam’s shower comment. Today, however, Jacque could feel pain and confusion coming from Crina through the pack bond. Jacque wondered if this is what Alina had experienced. How had she dealt with it? The emotional strain must have been enormous. For centuries, Alina had borne all the fears, concerns, and worries of her pack. How had she managed her own emotions through all that? Great Luna, help me.

  Jacque glanced at Sally. She made a motion with her head toward Crina. Then she tried out the tighter bond she seem to have gained with Jen and Sally since taking on the alpha female role. She found she was able to send her thoughts about Crina to Sally.

  The healer walked over to her and knelt down to grab a strand of lights. She leaned close to Jacque. “Something is seriously wrong,” Sally whispered.

  “So, I’m not the only one who’s noticed?”

  “I brushed up against her earlier and might have accidentally performed a little healer magic, just checking her out, making sure everything is okay,” Sally said, not looking the least bit guilty. “It’s bad, Jac. Her mind is nothing but confusion and chaos. Whatever she’s dealing with, it’s eating her alive.”

  Jacque took a deep breath. “Not on my watch.” She walked over to where Crina stood. The woman was attempting to untangle a strand of lights that Jacque was sure she’d been working on for the better part of an hour.

  “Crina,” Jacque said gently but firmly. Now she could see the she-wolf’s hands were trembling. Jacque reached out and placed her own hands over Crina’s. “I’m not Alina. I know that. But you are my friend. I love you. We’re pack mates, and we don’t have to deal with things alone.” Jacque didn’t know how the woman would respond. Will she think I’m too forward? Will she think I’m trying to take Alina’s place? Jacque knew she could never do that, and she wouldn’t attempt it. All Jacque could do was try to be the best alpha female she possibly could. And that started with showing her female pack mates she cared, that she hurt when they hurt.

  Crina dropped the lights and turned her hands to grab onto Jacque’s. She squeezed so tightly it actually hurt Jacque’s fingers, but she didn’t care. Crina’s head slowly rose until she looked directly into Jacque’s eyes. The new alpha saw her pack mate’s eyes were filled with tears.

  Jacque immediately pulled her into a hug. “Whatever it is, we can deal with it together,” she whispered as she held Crina and let the woman cry. Jacque knew sometimes a good, hard cry was necessary in order to begin the healing process. She’d done it countless times herself. A minute later, Sally and Zara appeared on either side of Crina and wrapped their arms around her, too. Jacque felt Sally’s magic as the healer pushed her light and peace into their suffering pack mate.

  Eventually, Crina’s tears slowed. She released Jacque and patted both Zara’s and Sally’s hands. Then she wiped her face and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

  Sally took Crina’s hand and pulled her over to the couch. They’d been decorating the largest living area in the mansion all day. It wasn’t until Sally had been cursing a blue streak over a set of
her own tangled lights that Jacque wondered why the hell they were doing all this work when Peri, Elle, or even Adam could decorate this whole place with a snap of their fingers. She’d called Jen on her cell phone, but her BFF had been conveniently unavailable. Jacque had left a not-so-nice message, then called Peri. The fae had said one word—"No”—and then hung up on her.

  “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Sally said as she sat beside Crina. Jacque sat on her other side, while Zara sat on the floor, her legs bent and crossed at the ankles. The healer’s eyes were filled with sadness as she looked at Crina. “We can just sit with you. These stupid lights are enough to make anyone cry.”

  Crina gave them a weak smile. She blew out a breath that made her cheeks puff out and then looked at Jacque. “You’re doing a great job. Don’t doubt that. The fact that you noticed I’m not okay shows how much you care.”

  Jacque didn’t know what to say. Being the alpha female was kind of like being a parent. She had the constant fear she was going to screw up her kids so badly they would one day need therapy. So she simply said, “Thank you.”

  They sat for a few minutes in silence, Sally holding one of Crina’s hands and Jacque holding the other. Finally, Crina cleared her throat. “It’s been over a month since Adam and I have slept in the same bed.”

  Jacque’s eyes widened, but she quickly schooled her expression. Of everything Crina could have said, that had not been what she’d been expecting. Before Jacque could ask any questions, the woman continued.

  “When Vasile and Alina died, something inside of me died, too. In all of us,” she added. “And I did what was natural to me and to my wolf. I just wanted my mate. I needed him close. My wolf, she was … sort of lost. I was falling apart, and Adam was holding me together. Considering he’s not a wolf, and I know he doesn’t have the same instincts as a Canis lupus, he was great. He was there every second and never complained that I was being clingy. My mate never asked me for space. He would hold me for hours. He would run his fingers through my hair and just having that small touch, it was …”

  “Everything,” Jacque said.

  Crina nodded. “Yes. I was so wrapped up in my grief that I didn’t even consider he might be hurting, too. He’d known them a long time, longer than me, even if he wasn’t close to them until recently. I never felt anything from him through our bond other than complete devotion.

  “He was tender when I needed him to be and playful when I was sinking too low. He’d even learned what it meant for mates to fight for dominance.” She blushed.

  “Bet you wish Jen was here for that one,” Jacque teased.

  “Please, no,” Sally begged.

  Jacque noticed Zara frowning.

  “Why would mates fight for dominance?” Zara asked.

  Jacque glanced at Crina. “You’ve been wolfy a lot longer than I have.”

  “Yes, but her mate’s the historian. I’m sure he could explain it much better than we could.” Crina smiled at Zara through her tear-streaked face and swollen eyes.

  “I like the way you think,” Jacque agreed.

  Zara’s frown deepened. “Wadim just told me to quit talking to you guys about mating stuff.” Her face reddened. “Okay, let’s get back to you, Crina. How can we help you?” she said, her words rushed.

  Crina laughed. “I needed that. I feel like I haven’t laughed in forever.”

  “No offense, but you’re mated to Adam. He’s the equivalent of Costin, only as a fae,” Sally pointed out. “In other words, hilarious.”

  The smile fell from Crina’s face. “I don’t let him close enough to make me laugh. I’ve screwed everything up. And now, the more time passes, the more I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to explain why I slowly pushed him away.”

  “So, you were the one who kicked him out of bed?” Jacque asked. “Because that makes much more sense.”

  “Not because of anything he did on purpose. In fact, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know what he did,” Crina admitted. “You know how the bond is open, like really open when you’re intimate with your mate?”

  Jacque and Sally nodded while Zara shook her head and leaned closer. The girl was about to get educated, her mate’s opinion be damned.

  “I guess, for some reason, that’s not the case with a fae mate,” Crina said. “I never felt anything but his love, and maybe a little worry for me, but that was it.

  “Recently, I came across a letter Alina had written me. She would do that from time to time, send letters to the female pack members to let them know she was thinking about them. She did it more with those who lived away from the mansion.

  “Anyway, I came across one, and it was about waiting on my true mate. I had talked to her a few days before about desperately wanting to find my mate. I had just heard that Fane had found you,” she said, looking at Jacque. “It was so exciting because it had been so long since someone had discovered a true mate. And it just brought back that ache you constantly have to push away. As I read the letter, I fell apart. It was one of those bad, ugly cries.”

  “Body swaying, shoulders shaking,” Sally offered.

  “Exactly,” Crina said.

  “Freaked your man out, didn’t it,” Jacque said.

  “Pretty much,” Crina’s eyes took on a faraway look. “He found me on the floor of our bedroom, and I couldn’t even talk. It was like she’d died all over again. And all of a sudden, our bond was wide open. I had thought it already was. All the times we’d made love, I’d thought I knew everything about him. But I felt him trying to pull my pain away, trying to take it for himself, and then I felt his own pain—pain I hadn’t even known was there. He was hurting over Vasile and Alina. He was hurting because of Peri, his friend and comrade for so long. He’d never seen her like this. Adam was terrified he wasn’t enough for me because he’s not a wolf. It all just hit me like a freight train.”

  Jacque felt Crina’s pain, not just because of the alpha bond, but because she remembered when Fane had shut her out. She’d threatened to leave him until he got his crap sorted because she couldn’t stand him holding any part of himself from her. It was excruciating to know the person who holds the other half of your soul won’t bear their own to you. “Fane’s done that to me before,” Jacque admitted. “It’s like a sucker punch, repeatedly, to the diaphragm.”

  “That’s a good way to put it. My first thought was he didn’t think I was strong enough to handle his pain. As if I’m somehow weaker. Then I was angry because I felt like he was hiding it from me. The more I thought about it, the more hurt I became. And then I felt guilty he had taken so much of my sorrow. He’d just been giving and giving, and I’d been taking. I almost felt like I’d trapped him somehow, as if he didn’t have a choice but to keep his pain to himself. So, I set him free.”

  “It felt like if you didn’t touch him, then it was easier to keep him from feeling your emotions?” Sally asked.

  Crina nodded. “And when he’s touching me, I’m constantly wondering if I’m the only one being honest through our bond. I mean, I don’t think he was doing it on purpose, but it just hurt so damn bad. On top of everything else, I’d failed my mate.”

  “No,” Jacque said, shaking her head and squeezing Crina’s hand tighter. “You didn’t fail him. You’re both still learning what the bond between a fae and a wolf looks like. Of course, it was going to be a little different between you two, regardless of the mind link and the markings. That doesn’t mean either of you has failed the other one. It just means you have to talk, even though it’s uncomfortable as all get out. You have to be vulnerable, which sucks. And you have to tell him exactly what you need from him, which can be embarrassing.”

  “Jacque, I’m not sure you’re helping her want to do those things,” Sally said in her sweet voice that really meant she thought you were an idiot.

  “Tell me I’m wrong,” Jacque challenged.

  “She’s not wrong,” Zara said. “Even I know that much, despite my lack of dom
inance bedroom games. Just think of the conversation I’m going to get to have with my mate. I’ll probably hide under the bed while he talks.”

  Crina grinned. “Wadim is blunt. That will be an interesting conversation.”

  “Right?” Zara cocked her head. “Why is he so blunt? He just says whatever pops into his head, and there it is.”

  “He was alone too long in his library dungeon.” Crina laughed. “Starved for interaction.”

  Zara sighed as her shoulders drooped. “Well, just think of me and my embarrassed self when you and your mate have the awesome talk. As Jacque has explained, it will make us all want to jump on the ‘be open and honest with your mate’ train.”

  “I need to ban you from hanging out with Jen,” Jacque said, narrowing her eyes on Wadim’s mate. Then Jacque turned back to Crina. “I’m going to be bossy for a minute. You look like hell, and your wolf is restless and growly. I can feel her through this new bond I’m trying to adjust to. You and she both need your mate. You need his touch. Beat the crap out of him first if that helps, but then talk to him. Crina, he adores you. Anyone who has seen him look at you can see that.”

  “Okay,” Crina said. “I miss him so much. I don’t think I would last another day without begging him to forgive me.”

  Sally shook her head. “He’s going to tell you there’s nothing to forgive.”

  “And he’ll be right,” Jacque added.

  *****

  Fane shifted from his squatted position and sat down next to Adam. The alpha leaned against him, his side pressed firmly to the fae. Decebel moved to sit on Adam’s other side in the same position. Touch. It was essential to their wolves. Owing to his relationship with Crina, it had become essential to Adam as well, but the fae didn’t realize it. Fane could feel a bond with Adam, though it wasn’t as strong as his bond with his wolves. The alpha could sense through that bond that the fae was starved for touch. Mostly for the touch of his mate, but also from those who loved him and Crina. He needed to know he wasn’t in this alone. He might be fae, but he had half the soul of a Canis lupus inside of him now.