In Too Deep

by Cassandra Cole

  Kris shrugged and bit her lip to push back the tears she felt coming on. She said, “I honestly don’t know what to expect. And it’s kind’a scaring the crap out of me.”

  “Well there you go,” Izzy said with an exaggerated wave of her hands. “They key being happy in this world, my little cutie pie, is to have NO expectations. That way, you are never disappointed!”

  Kris smiled and looked around the room. In that moment the reality of how much her life was changing finally hit her with full force. This was it. She had left everything she knew and now belonged to a vast, gray city with different people, different rules, different everything. She had to wonder if she would ever find her place in this strange new world.

  She lay back, resting her head against the pillow she’d brought and closed her eyes as tears prickled them, threatening to spill out. She felt the tiny mattress shift and the scent of vanilla filled her nostrils.

  “You okay?” Izzy asked in a soft tone, her fingers touching Kris’ wrist. Kris opened her eyes and looked down at Izzy’s pale hand on hers, which was deeply tanned from all the time spent outside on the farm.

  She quietly said, “I guess I just feel a little out of place.”

  Izzy’s fingers lowered to cover Kris’ hand. In that moment, Kris had the urge to turn her hand over and wrap her finger around Izzy’s hand. Maybe Izzy could keep her grounded through all of this newness.

  “I’m a native New Yorker.” Izzy said quietly, as if telling a great secret. “Born and raised in the urban jungle. Stick with me and you won’t feel out of place for long. I promise.”

  She gave Kris a smile that immediately made her feel better. She reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind Kris’ ear. “Who knows, maybe we can even do something about that boring hair.”

  Kris couldn’t help the adoration she felt for the strange girl smiling at her. Izzy had no reason to help Kris. If anything, Kris was bound to be a pain in Izzy’s neck. They were so different.

  In her mind, Kris was as boring and ordinary as a pebble, while Izzy sparkled like a diamond with glitter on top. Still, the fun, punk girl with purple hair and piercings was willing to help her adapt to this new life. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

  The smile that came to Kris’ lips was one of genuine gratitude. She sniffed back the tears and said, “That would be great. Izzy.”

  “You got it, cutie pie!” Izzy sang as she clapped her hands. She pushed herself off Kris’ bed and bounced to her side of the room, dancing to an imaginary tune in her head.

  Kris watched as Izzy went through the contents of her big old suitcase, pulling out clothes, shoes; even some posters and a variety of knickknacks to decorate her side of the room.

  Kris knew at that moment that she had never met anyone quite like Isadora Ryman. Izzy.

  * * *

  Soon, Izzy’s side of the room was decorated with posters of heavy metal bands and naked women covered completely in tattoos. She had several small pillows she tossed on the bed, all decorated with pastel colored alien faces. Kris watched with great interest. It was all so different from the ceramic roosters and pigs that decorated her parents’ farm house and the dreadful pink ballerinas in her old bedroom. She hated those things, though she never told her mother so since she was the source of them. She loved everything Izzy had just thrown across the room. Actually, she was beginning to think she loved everything about Izzy.

  Once she was finished decorating, Izzy looked at Kris and cocked her head to one side. “Don’t you have stuff to put up?”

  Kris shook her head. “No. I didn’t really like anything that I had back home, so I left it there.”

  Izzy grinned and walked over to Kris. She flopped back down on the bed and threw an arm around Kris’ shoulders, tugging her close. A warm river ran down Kris’ spine.

  “We gotta fix that,” Izzy said. “Dorm rooms are all about expressing yourself and bringing out whatever is inside of you. They’re a blank canvas, you know?”

  Kris thought about it for a moment as she scanned the blank walls on her side of the room. She felt like a blank canvas and couldn’t wait to discover what her decorations would be. She grinned at Izzy and said, “Would you help me?”

  Izzy rested her chin on Kris’ shoulder and said, “Are you ready to find yourself, cutie pie?”

  Kris looked back into her roommate’s blue eyes.

  Absolutely, she thought. With your help, absolutely.

  CHAPTER THREE

  It hadn’t been a lie when Kris told Izzy she was ready to find herself. To know herself and to be comfortable and free in her own skin were the things Kris wanted most in the world, and Izzy was the perfect guide to lead her on that journey.

  As the first months of their freshman year passed the two girls became best friends. With Kris majoring in psychology and Izzy in graphic design they didn’t have any classes together, but every free second they had was spent together.

  One of Kris’ favorite things to do was looking through Izzy’s sketch pads. Kris, who didn’t have an artistic bone in her body, was completely awed by Izzy’s talent. Everything she drew was raw, dark and a little disturbing, but Kris loved it.

  One day, while she was looking through some of Izzy’s old drawings, a picture fell from between the pad’s pages. The picture fell, face down to the floor. As she bent over to pick it up curiosity got the better of her and she flipped it over see what it was.

  In the picture, Izzy—whose hair was bright blue—had her arms around a girl with ink black hair. Her beautiful blue eyes were staring right at the camera as the other girl kissed the corner of her smiling lips.

  A surge of red hot jealousy filled Kris. She couldn’t explain why, but she didn’t like anyone kissing her Izzy.

  “You’re too quiet. Everything is okay?” Izzy asked, peeling her eyes from the computer screen to look at Kris.

  Kris swallowed the dry lump her insane jealousy put in her throat and offered her roommate a pathetic looking smile. “Fine. This fell off.” She ordered her hands not to shake as she handed the picture to Izzy.

  Izzy scanned the picture for a second, and then fixed her gaze on Kris. “That’s my ex, Rachel. I thought I got rid of all our pictures.” She shrugged and tossed the photo on the trash bin next to her bed and turned back toward the laptop. “Guess I was wrong.”

  An amazing, tingly relief replaced the jealousy Kris had been feeling. Her lips parted into a full on grin as she glanced between the trash and Izzy.

  Without her consent, words started to pour out of her lips. “So you’re a…”

  Izzy turned again to look at her, one purple brow raised. “A lesbian? A bisexual? Yes and yes. Are you seriously going to tell me that you didn’t know?”

  Izzy’s tone was aggressive and Kris hated that she had evoked that emotion from her best friend. She hated the fact that Izzy must have felt the need to defend herself. Although she had never admitted it, Kris knew the feeling to hide her true sexuality all too well.

  When puberty hit and all of her friends started to get boy crazy, Kris realized that the only thing she felt for the boys was envy. She envied them because they could take girls out on dates and hold their hands and kiss their lips. She wanted that, but in Mt. Pleasant girls wore pretty skirts and dated boys. There was no second option.

  So she stayed locked deeply in her closet. She forced herself to forget who she really was in hopes that no one else would discover what she was, all the while dreaming of a better life where she could be free to love a girl, hold her hand and take her out on dates without being afraid of discrimination or retaliation.

  For the longest time she thought that New York would be that magical place, but seeing how defensive Izzy was made her wonder. Maybe that was, in fact, just a dream. Perhaps where you were and where you were from didn’t matter. Perhaps coming out always meant being ready to defend yourself emotionally and, sometimes, physically.

  A tense moment went by as the two girls stared at e
ach other, before Kris reached out to touch Izzy’s arm. “It doesn’t matter to me,” she assured with a smile.

  Izzy’s expression softened. She said, “That’s good to know.”

  Kris found herself rambling. “I mean, it doesn’t change how I see you at all.”

  “Again, good to know.”

  Kris knew that was a straight up lie. She had always had her suspicions about Izzy’s sexuality, though Izzy had talked about boys she had slept with in school. But knowing for sure that Izzy was gay changed everything. And the knowledge brought out something in Kris. It was a desire to be like her. And a desire to be with her.

  Izzy was a lesbian and no one was chasing her with pitchforks or leaving pig heads on the steps of their dorm, as she knew some of the people from Mt. Pleasant might. She was just a girl who loved girls, and what was wrong with that?

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The weeks preceding winter break were hell. Their every waking moment had been spent either at their classes or cooped up in their dorm doing homework and studying for finals. When Kris walked back into their room after her last final she couldn’t believe the relief she felt.

  “How was it?” Izzy asked, as she stretched her body over the desk to hang the decorative Christmas lights Kris had bought the night before.

  Kris dropped her backpack on the floor and went over to help her friend. “It went okay, I think. There was only one question I wasn’t too sure about. How about yours?”

  “Aced it,” Izzy said with a toothy grin. “So, not going home to Iowa for the holidays?”

  Kris shook her head and finished tacking the last bit of wire to the wall. “No. Between tuition and living expenses my folks are broke. Plane tickets are expensive.”

  Kris wouldn’t admit it, but she did have the option of going home for the holidays, but told her folks she had to stay at school instead. After months in New York with Izzy, the mere thought of returning to her old life in Iowa made her sick to her stomach.

  Izzy pulled her now bleached-blonde hair into a ponytail and nudged Kris’ shoulder with her own. “Guess you’re stuck with me, then.”

  Butterflies fluttered in Kris’ stomach and she couldn’t help the smile that flashed across her lips. She tried to act disinterested when she asked, “You aren’t going home either?”

  “Nah. The ‘rents are out of the country and—surprise surprise—they won’t make it back for the holidays.” She plopped into her desk chair and looked up at the lights. “I like them, we should keep them up year round.”

  “Works for me.” Kris said with a nod. She stole a glance at Izzy. Though Izzy was smiling on the outside, Kris knew she was disappointed on the inside that she wouldn’t be seeing her parents – the ‘rents Izzy called them – over the holidays. Izzy talked tough, but she was soft as marshmallow on the inside.

  As much as it broke Kris’ heart to see how little support Izzy had, she also found herself thrilled by the prospect of spending some quality, alone time with Izzy without worrying about schedules and classes.

  Unlike her, Izzy was a social creature and had a hoard of friends. She had constant party invitations and girls and boys were always flirting with her. Kris was pleased that Izzy never flirted back, but inside, privately, she was jealous nonetheless.

  More than anything, Kris wanted the opportunity to be alone with Izzy without any distractions. Before she knew it, she found herself saying so.

  “Well, it’ll be a good chance for us to hang out without school getting in the way,” Kris said, backing up to stand next to Izzy’s chair. She playfully tussled Izzy’s blonde hair.

  “Damn straight!” Izzy said, throwing an arm around Kris’ waist and leaning her head against her side.

  Kris gave a nervous laugh and folded her arms around Izzy’s neck. They stayed like that for a moment, looking at the lights, then Izzy looked up and smiled. Kris felt her heart flutter.

  “We need to celebrate, cutie pie,” Izzy said, letting go of Kris to grab one of her art books off the desk. She slouched on her bed and motioned for Kris to join her.

  “What do you want to do?” Kris asked, sliding down on the bed beside Izzy.

  Izzy flexed her eyebrows. A devilish look washed over her face as she said, “Let’s get tattoos.”

  Kris felt her jaw drop as she stared at Izzy. “Tattoos?”

  Izzy laughed at the horrified look on Kris’ face. “Yes, cutie pie. Matching tattoos. Look at this.” Izzy flipped through the pages until she found a drawing of a topless mermaid with long, flowing hair and starfish pasties covering her nipples. “What do you think?”

  “I don’t really have the money,” Kris said with a relieved sigh. “Maybe we can just get our nails done.”

  “Don’t be a pussy!” Izzy said with a smirk, already tearing out the picture of the mermaid from the drawing pad. “Come on. I’ll let my parents pay for it. It’ll be my Christmas gift.”

  Kris chewed on her lip as she stared nervously at the drawing. “I don’t know, Iz… It’s just so… permanent.”

  Izzy crossed her arms and gave Kris a steely look. “I’ll tell you what. If you don’t want a tattoo because you really don’t want it, I’ll drop it. But if you don’t want the tattoo because of what other people might think, then I won’t drop it!”

  Kris didn’t say anything for a moment, but she knew that Izzy had hit the nail on the head. Kris would LOVE to have one of Izzy’s drawings tattooed on her body, but what would her parents say?

  She had spent her entire life avoiding things she really wanted out of fear of what her parents might say or do, particularly her father, who was possibly the most judgmental man on the planet.

  If she was to really discover herself as she wanted to, it was about time for her to start doing all the things that made her happy without worrying about the wrath of her parents.

  Izzy was looking at her with a raised brow. Kris took a deep breath and offered a slow nod that turned into a grin. She said, “Alright. Let’s do this.”

  “That's my girl!” Izzy said, pumping a fist in the air before wrapping an arm around Kris’ neck and planting a rough kiss on her cheek.

  Kris’ face turned several shades of deep red as she rubbed the spit off her cheek and watched with glee as Izzy stuffed the drawing into her back pocket and said, “OK, cutie pie, let’s do this!”

  As they wandered off campus Kris regained control of her voice and asked Izzy if she knew where they were going. Izzy grinned and headed for the subway.

  “Sure I do. There’s a really awesome guy downtown. I tried to get an apprenticeship with him, but he told me I had to finish school first.”

  “Oh, wow. Really? He’s going to let you work for him after you graduate?”

  “If all goes as planned.” Izzy grinned and winked at her friend as they made their way to the platform.

  Kris nearly melted at the wink, but forced herself to keep her wits since the train was pulling up to the platform. As they found a place to stand in the crowded train, Kris realized that Izzy was still holding on to her hand. Much to her surprise, she didn’t blush or tingle or felt warm. She just felt comfortable and happy.

  Slowly and surely Kris was realizing that Izzy was her happy place. She was where Kris felt safe and warm, and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she would never get over the feelings she had for the most amazing woman she had ever met.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The two girls ventured out into the city hand in hand. Kris was awed at the bright neon lights that lit up the dark streets. She and Izzy had gone downtown a few times before, but not for long and never at night. Kris was like a kid on Christmas morning, amazed as she took in the sights, smells, and sounds of the city.

  New York City had terrified Kris at first, but now it felt like home, thanks to Izzy. Actually, anywhere Izzy was felt like home to Kris.

  They walked for nearly thirty minutes before Izzy led them to a rundown building off a side street downtown. The sign above the door read D
ECREPID DESIGNS and Kris thought the name didn’t inspire much confidence. Still, she trusted Izzy and followed her inside without a second thought.

  The inside of the shop looked like something out of a gothic horror movie. Three of the walls were painted flat black, accented by a fourth wall that was exposed red brick. Gothic furniture and tattoo drawings framed in gorgeous golden frames filled the space.

  At the center was a glass and wood counter, where a huge man covered in tattoos was typing on a computer. His shoulders and arms were thickly muscled. His barreled chest strained against the fabric of his black t-shirt. His head was clean-shaven, but his face was covered in stubble and a goatee hung several inches off his chin. Kris thought he was the most intimidating human being she’d ever seen.

  Much to her surprise, the man’s face lit up with a smile when he saw Izzy come through the door. “Hey, college girl. You here trying to get a job again?”

  “Not this time, Nick.” Izzy said with a smile. She waved a hand between her roommate and the tattoo artist. “Nick, my roomie, Kris. Kris, the ink master himself, Nick Bolero.”

  “Nice to meet you, Kris,” he said, holding out a hand the size of a catcher’s mitt. He reached across the counter and waved a hand over Izzy’s head. He smirked and ruffled her blonde hair until she giggled like a little girl.

  Nick propped his elbows on the counter and raised his eyebrows at them. “So, ladies, what can I do for you?”

  Izzy nodded at Kris and smiled. “My friend here wants a tattoo.”

  Nick narrowed his eyes at Kris, as if he could sense the trepidation in her heart. He said, “That so, Kris? Are you eighteen?”

  Kris swallowed hard and gave him a nod. “Almost nineteen, actually.”

  “This your first tat?”

  She tried to swallow again, but found her mouth completely dry. “Yes. The first of many.” She glanced at Izzy and smiled.

  “All right then,” Nick said. “Come on back.”

  Nick led them to the back of the shop. He and Izzy made small talk like old friends as they followed him back, but Kris wasn’t listening. She was fighting the surge of nervousness that was sparking through her body.