Infinite Risk

by Ann Aguirre

  His reply came back immediately. OMG, cant believe ur asking ME that. What happened? R U OK?

  I’m basically OK. Told U my life is complicated.

  Guess so, he replied. U home now? Can I come over?

  Yeah, if U want.

  Be there in an hour. So much to tell U.

  I stared at the phone, wondering why I felt let down. Kian hadn’t known me that long, and I didn’t want him falling for me, but he seemed fairly casual about my vanishing act. I compared it to when my dad was kidnapped by Cthulhu monsters and Kian mobilized everyone we knew searching for me. Since I understood that circumstances were different, it shouldn’t hurt, but … I cut the thought before it could blossom fully.

  He’s not your boyfriend. Forget it.

  Around five thirty, a knock sounded at my door. The Black Watch would probably break down the door and the Harbinger always appeared wherever he wanted, like my space belonged to him, so I opened the door. Sure enough, Kian stood there with take-out bags. He put them on the table and hugged me, a startling move. For a few seconds, I let him, breathing in his scent, crisp wintry woods; then I pushed him away.

  “You couldn’t call?” he complained, shutting the door.

  Kian shrugged out of his jacket, and he had on the new clothes we’d picked out together, cargo pants and sweater. Adding in the new haircut and glasses, he definitely registered as attractive. People who went after the intellectual type would be after him for sure, but the most appealing thing about him had to be his confidence. He didn’t shrink in on himself anymore, his shoulders were straight, and he met my gaze head-on without flinching. That was such a big change in a relatively short time.

  I pictured myself tied to the chair and shook my head. “I really couldn’t.”

  His look grew serious. “It sounds like you need help. One of these days, you might go missing and not come back.”

  That’s truer than you know.

  But I didn’t want to discuss my issues, so I changed the subject. “Thanks for dinner.”

  “No problem. I brought a list of assignments from your teachers, by the way.” He handed it over, and I set it aside to check out later.

  “That was nice of you.” Honestly, it was more than I expected. “So what’s going on at school now? Man, that was a weird party, huh?”

  “Oh my God.” Kian’s expression shifted, becoming avid as he set out the deli takeout, sandwiches and various small salads. Not surprisingly, I was ready to eat, but it didn’t taste as good as I expected. As I dutifully munched pastrami on rye, he elaborated. “You wouldn’t believe how that shook the social order. Jake is officially out; they’re basically shunning him.”

  I put down my plastic spoon. “What?”

  “Gossip isn’t normally my thing, but then again, nobody talked to me before, so maybe I didn’t know how intriguing it could be.”

  “Just tell me what’s going on.”

  “Geez, you won’t even let me build the suspense, huh?” At my look, he continued. “Lara told everyone that he had some weird new drug at the party and slipped it to everyone. At first, people didn’t believe it, but there was just so much bizarre shit that night, eventually it seemed like the only explanation.”

  This was exactly what Jake had been worried about on Friday night. “Why did they assume it had to be him? There were tons of people.”

  Kian shrugged. “Probably because he’s got money. They assumed he wouldn’t hesitate to spend it to make his shindig memorable, only the theory is that it backfired in a huge way and sent everyone on a bad trip.”

  I had to admit, as far as unsubstantiated bullshit went, this was more credible than most. “Poor Jake. How’s Tanya holding up?”

  “Dude, that’s the craziest part. She broke up with him.” Kian probably should have checked that level of excitement around anyone else.

  “Wow. I thought they were solid.”

  “Me too. But I guess the pressure was too much for her. I have to admit, seeing her buckle made me…” He trailed off, seeming unsure how to finish that sentence.

  “Think less of her?” I offered.

  “Not exactly. She seems real now, I guess. Before, she felt like a goddess or something, somebody I could never even talk to.”

  “I’m confused, do you like her less or more now?”

  “Both,” he said. “I don’t get nervous or tongue-tied around her anymore. Yesterday we discussed our homework.”

  “Riveting.”

  He looked sheepish. “Hey, this might not be a big deal to you, but for me, it’s major progress. I sat with Devon’s group at lunch this week too, and it was okay. I really like talking to Vonna about old movies.”

  “You’re a changed man,” I said.

  Which was exactly what I wanted for him, but I felt a little left out. Yet this was the reality check I needed. Kian could make other choices, now that I’d given his fate a shove. Possibly things would be fine from this point, even if I disappeared for good, but I couldn’t take that chance. Calling the mission a success four months before his birthday qualified as premature. Somehow I had to hang on until then. With Buzzkill MIA, so far as Wedderburn knew, and the Black Watch gunning for me, I didn’t like my chances. Plus, I officially owed a debt to the Harbinger, further complicating my situation.

  “Sure, make fun of me.” Kian sounded a little hurt.

  “I’m not. I’m happy for you, seriously.”

  “Sorry. I realize this probably seems incredibly trivial, considering the shit you’re dealing with. But I don’t know what to do, and you don’t seem to want to talk about it. So it’s not that I’m trying to be self-absorbed or whatever.”

  I smiled. “You read me right. There’s nothing you can do, so it’s better for you to act normal. I’ve been dealing on my own for a long time.”

  “But you shouldn’t have to. We’re friends, right? I wish you’d confide in me.”

  “We are. But only time can solve my problems.”

  “When you turn eighteen.” He made the natural assumption, and I silently pretended to agree while finishing my food.

  I live in a world that I never want you to encounter. Stay this way.

  “Are things better at home?”

  “Yeah.” Sighing, Kian shook his head. “It honestly never occurred to me that my uncle didn’t know how my aunt treats me when he’s not around. Oh, and we’re going to the lumber yard together. He’s got some vacation time coming, and I’m helping him finish the attic.”

  “That should be … fun?”

  “It will make me feel more at home … finally. I have to accept my situation and make the best of it. Things will never be the same. My dad isn’t coming back. I don’t know if my mom will get better. But I can still live, right?” His green eyes glinted with a quiet anxiety, and I knew what he needed to hear.

  “Totally. Organisms adapt or they die. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t grieve forever.” At the way he tensed, I added, “I’m not saying you should forget the people you lost. But maybe think about using your life to honor them? I bet your dad and sister would be really proud to see you make something of yourself.”

  Kian’s hand jerked, knocking over an empty soda can. Then he sucked in a sharp breath, looking like I had stabbed him. He jolted to his feet. “What did you say?”

  I tried to figure out what was wrong.

  “How did you know? I never told you about my sister. I’ve never told anyone.” He shoved at his hair, eyes livid. “You disgusting asshole. You read about me and set out to make friends? I should’ve known girls like you don’t just appear out of nowhere. Are you writing an article or something? Are you even a high school student?”

  Ice formed in jagged shards around my heart, but I tried to play it off. “You think nobody warned me about you? Tragic loner, troubled history. I heard all of that on the first day. I didn’t let it stop me from getting to know you, but thanks for the faith.”

  He collapsed in his chair, burying
his head in his hands. “Oh God. So … they know? They all know.”

  Dammit. I got careless, and I hurt him.

  Tentatively, I rounded the rickety table and rested my hand on the nape of his neck. “Thing is, that’s old news. Nobody cares. When you go to school tomorrow, nothing will have changed. It’s only your perception.”

  “Easy for you to say. Your dad didn’t shoot your sister.”

  Dropping to my knees, I made him meet my gaze and told a small snippet of the truth. “No, but I made some really poor life choices and got my mom killed.”

  Shock drove away all thoughts of his predicament out of his head. Kian stared. “Are you for real right now?”

  I nodded. “If it wasn’t for me, she’d still be alive.”

  And I’m working to change that in this timeline. Please don’t let me fail. Not just for Kian’s sake, but for my mother, and all the people at Blackbriar. They might’ve tormented and humiliated me, but those weren’t capital crimes.

  “Holy shit, Nine. I’m starting to understand the scope of what you’re running from. Are you sure you shouldn’t call the police?”

  “They wouldn’t believe me.” That was the literal truth.

  “I’m sorry for flipping out before. I just … I’ve never talked about my sister with anyone. I guess you could call it a trigger.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “Friends?” When he offered a hug, I leaned against his shoulder. He was bonier than he had been when we were together, all angles and gangly arms. It still felt good.

  “That didn’t change just because you got mad. Maybe you’re unclear how this works?”

  “Possibly. Not only are you my best friend, you’re also the first I’ve had in years.”

  “But not the last. It sounds like you’re leveling up socially just fine.”

  “Yeah. It’s weird. I’m not sitting at the popular table or anything, but people say ‘hey’ when they see me and Devon is really cool.”

  “I’m glad. Don’t be lonely when I’m gone, okay?”

  He hugged me a little tighter. “Can we not talk about that right now? You’ll be here until June or something, won’t you?”

  “If everything goes well.”

  “And if it doesn’t?”

  “I’ll probably vanish without a trace.”

  He pulled back to level a stern look on me. “That’s not funny.”

  I stared back.

  “Oh, you’re not kidding. Well, I choose not to think about life going catastrophically wrong. Want to go out?”

  “Where did you have in mind?” I needed to be careful on the street, but I could hardly spend the rest of my limited life in this room.

  “Psychedelic Records. That album I got before was sweet, so I was wondering if he had any more rare vintage stuff.”

  “I’m game. Let me get ready.”

  In the bathroom, I leaned my head against the door to settle my nerves. That was too close. I almost ruined everything. I couldn’t be so careless again. Once my heart thawed somewhat, I got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair, then called it good. Kian was watching a cop show rerun on my shitty TV, but he clicked it off when I came out.

  “All set?”

  “Yep. Let’s catch the bus.”

  Despite my fears, the trip went off without a hitch. He didn’t buy anything this time but he admired several albums, and I suspected he must be saving up. Amusingly enough, the beardo behind the counter pretended he didn’t know us. Afterward, we got convenience-store coffee like we had the night of the freak snowstorm. The clear but unnaturally frigid weather today said Wedderburn was pissed but holding out to hear from Buzzkill that his problem had been solved. The best thing about the winter king had to be the fact that he had so many irons in the fire, and with his chief enforcer tending to the problem of me, he must be dealing with other matters, other game gambits, as Kian couldn’t be the only asset he was trying to acquire. That multitasking might buy me the time I desperately needed. Maybe. Hope was basically all I had. Well, that and the Harbinger, but it wasn’t like he belonged to me, more like a wild animal who chose to circle me for its own reasons.

  “I’ll see you at school tomorrow?” Kian asked as we got off at my stop.

  “Definitely.”

  Since I’d slept so much, I had a hard time drifting off that night. The weird noises at the Baltimore seemed more ominous than usual, and I wished the Harbinger would show up for a three a.m. chat, but that didn’t happen. At four, I gave up and showered, then tackled all the assignments I had backed up. It seemed ridiculous and surreal to do homework, considering my situation, but I had to play normal until Kian’s birthday. Getting kicked out of school would severely limit my ability to see him and, of greater significance, protect him. The immortals on either side might move against him. Wedderburn seemed like a sore loser; he might decide that if he couldn’t have Kian, nobody could.

  The mere thought sent a shiver through me. Not happening. Not on my watch.

  Once I wrapped up my work, I forged an excuse note from my father. Hopefully, the attendance officer wouldn’t try to follow up on the phone or in person. It wasn’t like I set out to miss four days of school. Slightly worried, I headed out to catch the bus and rode through without encountering any danger signs. Weird that the world could be so normal for other people when mine was completely topsy-turvy.

  The school looked just like it had the first day, not sure what I expected, but I marched through the parking lot ignoring a few cat calls. Normally, Kian would be waiting for me, either out front or near the lockers, but today I didn’t see him. Instead, I spotted Jake Overman looking depressed as hell as he spun the combination. He hadn’t shaved, and his hair was sticking up. Ruining his life had not been part of my master plan.

  “You okay?”

  He jumped, evidently not hearing my approach. When he realized it was me, his expression darkened into a scowl. “That’s all you have to say? You realize everyone thought I did something to you that night.”

  “Huh?”

  “Think about it. You stayed behind and then, suddenly, you vanish in thin air. I told everyone you left with your boyfriend, but nobody believed me. Maybe now I can be absolved of that crime at least.”

  “Sorry, I had no idea. It’s really unfair they’re blaming you for everything.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” Jake slammed his locker and stomped away, done with the conversation.

  Across the hall, I noticed Kian chatting with Tanya. She flipped her shiny hair and laughed at something he said. His responding smile was shy but adorable. Damn. He’s not even looking for me.

  That’s fine. Totally fine. I’m not jealous. I have no right to be.

  Before I could decide what to do, if anything, Devon waylaid me. “You’re alive. People have been taking bets, dude. You wouldn’t believe the stories circulating about you and Jake. On Tuesday, Tanya broke up with him over it.”

  “Kian mentioned that, but he didn’t say it was because of me.”

  “This school sure got exciting. I blame you.”

  “That’s fair,” I said, heading for the attendance office.

  “Where you going? Isn’t your first class the other way?”

  In answer, I left my fake note with the assistant and comprehension dawned. “Oh. Were you really sick?”

  “I had some family problems.” It was probably best to keep it simple. Otherwise, I might lose track of my lies.

  “Sorry to hear that. Anything I can do?”

  “Not really. Come on, we don’t have much time before the last bell.”

  Sure enough, we barely slid into our seats before it rang. The teacher gave me a dark look. Apparently, I didn’t qualify as a good student anymore. Somehow that didn’t rank high on my list of things to worry about. There had to be something I could do for Jake. If I saved Kian’s future at the expense of someone else’s happiness, I couldn’t leave with a clear conscience.

  Why is time travel s
o complicated?

  Unfortunately, instead of an answer, I got a pop quiz.

  LIKE COMING HOME

  The next week was blessedly uneventful, though I remained on high alert.

  On Thursday afternoon, Kian messaged me during class, an absolute first. The teacher was droning on, so I surreptitiously checked my texts. You have to do me a favor.

  Nine didn’t care if she got in trouble, so I sent back, What?

  Tanya asked if I wanna hang out tomorrow but there’s no way. I’ll choke. Will U bring Colin and double as my wingman?

  Wow. That was something I never thought I’d hear from the first boy I ever loved. But the pain only twinged, no searing anguish; I must be getting used to my role in his life. Yet I couldn’t assume the Harbinger would go along with this. I didn’t even have a way to get in touch with him, and how could I request such an absurd favor when I already owed him?

  I’ll ask, I sent back. He might already have plans. It’s short notice.

  Kian replied with a sad face and added, Yeah, she just mentioned it today. Sorry.

  No worries.

  Once the initial shock disbursed, I realized what this meant. Things have already changed. They can’t happen as they did before. Last time, Kian asked Tanya out, and she rejected him with such cruelty that it resulted in extremis. In this timeline, I boosted Kian’s confidence, then broke up Jake and Tanya unintentionally, so events were already off script. I just have to keep nudging. Belatedly, I remembered what Kian told me:

  In my optimum future, I end up with Tanya. She pushes me through law school, and I eventually go into politics.

  A sick feeling swirled low in my stomach. Is that what I have to do to make things right? When I jumped, I never imagined that I’d have to play matchmaker. I’d thought stopping his suicide would be enough. Okay, slow down. This probably isn’t a date. Tanya just broke up with Jake, so when she said “hang out” she meant exactly that. Just then, the teacher moved away from the front, roving the aisles to check our work, so I hastily slid my phone into my hoodie pocket and whizzed through the math problems on the assigned page. By the time she got to me, I had nine out of ten finished.