Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

Desire traveled through me, gathering somewhere it had no right to.

  With Emily, I had no desire for sex, at least not after the first two years. The thought of being unfaithful had never crossed my mind, though. My body had reacted on its own on occasion—in the morning when I woke or late at night when I was alone—but the relief I’d given myself had been quick and without passion. A means to an end so I could get back to work.

  However, my body ached as Cody’s face appeared in my mind. And though it felt wrong on so many levels, I slid a hand down my chest and took hold of myself.

  His eyes. His lips. The throaty laugh when he was nervous. All of those things filled my head as I pumped my hips into my closed, wet fist.

  The images shifted the closer I got to the edge. I imagined Cody on his stomach on my bed, glancing at me over his shoulder as I entered him. I saw his eyes close and his teeth gently clamp down on his bottom lip as I started a slow pace inside him.

  I heard his moans, or what I imagined they sounded like.

  “Harder,” he’d say.

  I would grip his hips and take him as he wanted me to. Hard. Fast.

  My release hit, and I gasped at the force of it, my legs quaking as a white hot pleasure I hadn’t felt in many years shot through me. The times I’d gotten myself off in the past few years had been pleasurable, but nothing compared to this.

  I leaned my head against the wall as the aftershocks continued to ripple through me before fading completely. I stepped out of the shower and dried off, still feeling wobbly.

  My face heated as I thought of facing Cody again after that. There was no way for him to know, but my own guilt would eat at me.

  I checked the weather and saw it was going to be on the cooler side that day, so I grabbed a sweater and slacks from the closet and put them on, only briefly looking in the mirror before going into the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee.

  When it finished brewing, I poured a cup and went to sit on my patio, breathing in the chilly morning. It was a rarity for me to be awake early enough to enjoy such things, and I sat down, watching the sun come up over the mountain on the other side of the water.

  Autumn had arrived over a week ago, and the leaves were changing. Some had started to fall. I sipped my coffee, enjoying the crisp air and silence of the world around me.

  I was a man who preferred solitude…yet, as I sat in my self-imposed isolation, watching the golden sunlight hit one side of the mountain as the other side remained cast in shadow, I couldn’t help but wonder how amazing it’d be to have someone special to share it with.

  ***

  “Dr. Vale?” Cody approached me Friday after class, his graded exam folded in his hand. “Can I talk to you real quick?”

  “Of course.” I zipped my bag and faced him. “What can I do for you, Mr. Miller?”

  “It’s about the exam.” His cheeks flamed, and I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or disappointment. Based on the poor grade he’d received, I assumed it was the latter. “I don’t know why I did so bad. I studied hard for it. I know the material. But my mind just blanked during it, I guess.”

  “I have to agree with you. Frankly, I was as surprised by your grade as you are.” I regarded him, trying to ignore how there were flecks of darker shades of blue around his pupils. How there was a freckle just above his lip, like a beauty mark. “Are you falling behind on your studies because of the NROTC program?”

  “No. At least, I don’t think so.” He wet his lips, an action that drew my attention to his mouth again. “It’s been tougher this semester compared to last semester, but I felt like I was managing things well. I bombed my Calculus Based Physics test, too. Maybe…” He swallowed, and I followed the movement of his Adam’s apple as it bobbed in his throat. “Maybe I just need to get more sleep or something before an exam. Have a clear head.”

  “It’s only one exam, Mr. Miller,” I said, hoping to reassure him. “There will be others, as well as opportunities to boost your grade with extra credit. And if you ever need help with anything, whether it be an assignment or tutoring, you know my office hours.”

  I never offered to tutor students, which proved even more how smitten I was.

  “Thanks, Dr. Vale.” He moved the strap of his backpack farther up his shoulder. “See you around.”

  As he walked away from me, I forced myself not to stare at him.

  My fascination with Cody wasn’t healthy. For over a month, I’d felt myself being drawn more and more to him. It was just my luck to have finally found a person who made me feel again…only to have him be out of my reach.

  I had an hour between my thermodynamics class and chemistry, so I used the time to refresh on the lecture for the day. My chemistry class wasn’t as challenging as my other, since it was made up of entry-level students. Many commented it was still harder than every other entry-level science course, though.

  At eleven, I started class, taking extra time to explain concepts when I noticed the confusion on several students’ faces. Which reminded me of Cody. Again. I wished everyone would take a page from his book and ask questions when they felt lost in the material.

  Then again…maybe some of them didn’t know they were allowed to interrupt the lecture. I had a reputation on campus for being tough and standoffish.

  Were they all intimidated by me?

  I did something I never had before. I stopped mid-sentence and looked around.

  “I want you all to know that if I ever move too fast through the material, you can ask questions. I’m seeing quite a few confused faces today. Sometimes I don’t realize how confusing something can be because I’ve lived and breathed it for over fifteen years. Let me know, so I can help you all better understand.”

  There were smiles among them, and after a second or so, a girl tentatively raised her hand.

  “Yes, Ms. Lopez?”

  “Can you explain the difference between covalent and hydrogen bonds again?” she asked, going red in the face. “I can’t get it straight in my head, and the book doesn’t give many examples.”

  Some students looked relieved at her question.

  “Of course,” I said, offering a kind smile. “People often confuse the two because of their vague definitions. So allow me to explain.”

  I described each type of bond in terms I hoped they grasped better. The students got braver at asking questions to clarify certain terminology or asking me to provide examples. It was amazing how the atmosphere in the room shifted after that. They seemed more at ease and not nearly as terrified.

  Cody might’ve learned a lot from me over the past month, but I’d learned from him, too.

  With the buzzing of my watch, I ended class and stayed at the front of the room for a few minutes just in case anyone wanted to talk before leaving. Two students approached, asking about the assigned reading and online work I’d given with it. After the room cleared, I packed up my things and left. I had an hour for lunch before I needed to be in my office from one to three. Then I’d go to the lab on campus and research from three-thirty to five.

  Every part of my day was scheduled. Without it, my life would more than likely be utter chaos. Well, more than it already was.

  Unintentionally, I hoped Cody would come to my office today. As I sat at my desk, I found myself perking up at the sound of footsteps down the hall. Listening. Waiting. But then it’d be one of the faculty or a student on their way to another instructor’s office.

  One time it was Vance.

  “Hey, Sebby boy!” He strolled into my office, slipping his thumbs beneath his red suspenders. He tended to dress flashy sometimes, and I wondered if it was to take focus away from his balding head.

  “Sebastian, if you please.”

  “Oh, right. Right. Sebastian.” Vance swiped a finger along the top of the shelf in the corner and examined it. “Wow, you keep things spotless, don’t you? Hey, I was wondering if you gave any more thought to grabbing a drink with me. Just two guys hanging out at the bar and maybe talking to
some sexy ladies.”

  “Thank you, but no.”

  “Come on, Sebastian.” He gave me a wide smile and approached my desk, arching a fuzzy eyebrow. “It’s Friday. Surely even you get out every once in a while.”

  “Actually, I don’t.”

  “Really?” Vance scratched at his jaw. “Kind of sad if you think about it. You keep to yourself too much. You’ll eventually forget how to talk to people.”

  I barely know how to talk to them now.

  His words sparked something, however, and made me think of what Emily said about being alone forever and regretting it. Where I used to feel as though she was being ridiculous, I felt differently now. Hadn’t I just thought this morning that it’d be nice to watch the sunrise with someone?

  I wouldn’t meet that person if I never left my bubble.

  “One drink is all I’m asking,” Vance continued. “And after that, if you want to leave, you can.”

  I had a feeling he’d keep asking until the day we both died. I took off my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose, defeated.

  “All right,” I said, putting my glasses back on. “One drink.”

  Vance gave me the address of a bar on Main Street that supposedly had well-priced liquor and good chicken wings. Not that I cared about either. He told me to meet him there at nine and left.

  The rest of the day passed according to plan, and around five-fifteen, I went home. I didn’t see why we couldn’t just go to the bar around six, so I could get home at a reasonable hour. Apparently, that’s not how things were done, though. And so, I read the latest issues of The Journal of Chemical Thermodynamics and Bellstein Journal of Nanotechnology for a few hours before taking a quick shower and sorting through my closet for something more casual to wear.

  I had nothing but vests, button-up shirts, and sweaters. The only casual T-shirts I had were the ones I slept in, when I remembered to actually change into my nightclothes. And a suit would be too fancy for a bar.

  “I’m utterly hopeless,” I muttered, going through the shirts in the closet again in hopes that I’d magically find appropriate bar-wear.

  I ended up grabbing a navy blue button-up shirt, rolling up the sleeves to my elbows, and pairing it with the only jeans I had. Emily had bought them for me years ago, and I’d only worn them once. She’d had an attraction to men who wore skinny jeans, but I’d thought they made my long legs look strange, so I’d put them as far back in my closet as I could.

  Now, though, they didn’t seem so bad. As I looked in the mirror, I was surprised at my reflection. The man looking back at me seemed younger, especially when I actually attempted to fix my wavy hair.

  At a quarter ‘til nine, I left the house and drove through town.

  Emerald Falls at night was magnificent. Downtown was beautiful, something I’d forgotten. The ocean view, the park overlooking the water, and all the stores lit up. It was like seeing a new world, even though I’d been there for years. The fact I had to use a GPS to find the bar was another sign I didn’t get out much.

  The street was packed, and it took me a while to find a place to park. Nerves swam in my stomach as I locked my car and stepped onto the sidewalk, seeing all the people and hearing scattered conversations. So that’s where everyone went on Friday nights. I didn’t feel as though I’d missed out on anything. The bar scene had never appealed to me.

  “Sebastian!” Vance called once spotting me.

  A group of people were with him, and I sighed. I had been under the impression it would be the two of us.

  “Hello,” I greeted him before nodding to the others.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I invited these guys and ladies,” he said, swaying a little. He’d already started drinking. “Thought it’d do you good to be around people.”

  He introduced them to me. Some I recognized as other professors and others I’d never seen before. It also didn’t go unnoticed that there were mostly women with us, ones who smiled at me as if I was a shiny new toy. I tried to smile to be polite, but I was sure my reluctance to be there was obvious.

  We stepped inside the bar, and it took everything in me not to step back out. The place was an assault to the senses—music, cigarette smoke, people laughing, dimly lit areas, and glasses clinking.

  “One drink,” Vance said in a loud whisper beside my ear. “Then you can leave if you want.”

  I’d order the smallest one they had so I could make my escape.

  The only available table that was big enough for our group was one in the center of the room. I preferred sitting beside the wall, so I became even more uncomfortable as we sat down with tables full of people at my back.

  “What do you want to drink, Sebby? First one’s on me.”

  His constant usage of the nickname grated on my nerves.

  “Whatever you’re having is fine,” I said. Really, I didn’t know what options there were.

  Vance went to the bar and came back with two beers. “Here you go, friend.”

  “Thank you.” I stared at the contents a moment before taking a sip.

  Revolting.

  “Takes some getting used to.” Vance laughed at my expression. “It tastes better if you drink a lot of rum first.”

  “I’m sure anything tastes good at that level of intoxication.”

  “Yep,” he agreed. “It can get you in trouble, though. It also makes ugly girls look pretty, so if you’re not careful, you can find yourself waking up to Shrek.”

  The people around the table laughed, though I didn’t find it funny. One, I didn’t even know who Shrek was. And two, mean-spirited comments about people’s looks were nothing to laugh about.

  “So, Sebastian,” the woman beside me said, placing her hand on my arm. If memory served me right, her name was Claudia, and she worked in the English and Literature department with Emily. “I was sorry to hear about your divorce. Emily has been so upset, the poor thing. Are you okay?”

  As gently as I could, I moved my arm away from hers. “I’m fine.”

  Vance sat on my other side and nudged me, winking when I looked at him. A set-up. Nice.

  I want to go home.

  Just as the thought entered my head, the front door opened and another group of people walked in. A rowdy bunch by the sound of it.

  A girl squealed, and I turned to see a petite young lady being picked up by the tallest boy in the group and carried over to the nearest table. He plopped her down in a chair, and she glared at him, crossing her arms. She didn’t seem to be truly angry, though, by the way her lips started to curve.

  “Drinks are on Marcus tonight,” she called out. “Since he insisted on throwing me around like a ragdoll.”

  “What the fuck ever,” the one I assumed was Marcus responded. “Tristen should pay since his family’s loaded.”

  “Fine, I’ll pay,” a boy with blond hair answered. “Go order what you want and tell the bartender to put it on my tab.”

  Then the last one in the group came into view.

  My heart skittered to a stop before picking up again.

  Cody smiled at his friends and scanned the room. He froze when our gazes locked. I froze, too. Even from across the room, his stare had the ability to heat me from the inside out.

  “Didn’t expect to see students here,” Vance said after following my line of sight. “I heard they all go to the nightclub instead of these kinds of bars. A bit awkward. But could be fun. I bet I could drink all of them under the table.”

  I ignored him.

  All I saw was Cody.

  He wore a blue shirt, which I suspected made the blue in his eyes pop but I couldn’t be certain from my distance, and the dark wash jeans hugged his hips and thighs, emphasizing his impeccable form. His muscular arms and wide shoulders showed he was strong, but it wasn’t exaggerated like many men aimed for.

  “The one in the blue is a smart kid,” Vance continued, finally drawing my attention. He turned around, his back to the students, and took a drink of his beer. “If h
e’s not careful, he’ll flunk my class, though. Those military guys are working those kids too hard, I think. Not giving them enough time to focus on their degrees in between all the training.”

  “Cody Miller is in your class?” My interest piqued.

  “In my Calculus Based Physics course.” Vance nodded. “I had high expectations of him for the first exam, but he missed things on it that he’d answered correctly in class. I want to let him retake it, but it wouldn’t be fair to all the other kids. He just has so much potential, and it’s a shame to see it wasted.”

  My dislike for Vance faded, if only a little. He might’ve been arrogant and used people for their status, but he cared about his students.

  I drank more of the beer, still finding it disgusting, but it became more bearable the more I had. When that glass was gone, Vance jumped up and got me another before I could refuse it. As we drank, Claudia talked to me. She grew frustrated, though, when I didn’t put much effort into keeping a discussion going.

  “You don’t talk much, do you?” Claudia tapped her nails on the tabletop.

  “Not unless it’s related to my work.”

  “Hobbies?”

  “Reading,” I answered, disinterested.

  “What do you read?”

  “Science journals, mostly.”

  “That’s…interesting.” She sighed and looked away. Then, under her breath, she said, “What a waste of a sexy man.”

  She and I had absolutely nothing in common, and although she was beautiful, I felt nothing for her.

  No, my feelings were reserved for the Marine-in-training sitting at the table on the other side of the room. I snuck glances at him on occasion, wondering what had him smiling so much. Wondering what the blond-haired boy was saying that made the table erupt in laughter, Cody included.

  Was one of the men—perhaps the good-looking blond—his boyfriend?

  And why did the thought cause my chest to ache?

  Cody caught my eye as I looked in his direction again. He held up his drink in a type of greeting and grinned. With my heart thumping a little faster, I grabbed my near-empty beer and held it up, returning his toast.