Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  When I asked what that was, he smiled and said, “I’m gonna blow shit up.”

  Since then, I had researched the position and discovered it involved much more than that, but of course, that was what he was most excited for.

  “Babe, can you call my phone?” Cody asked, poking his head into the room. “I think I’ve lost it in the mountains of empty boxes.”

  Three days after moving in, we still hadn’t unpacked everything, mainly due to us spending most of our time in the bedroom.

  I grabbed my phone from the desk where I had been unpacking the box of my knickknacks in my study and called Cody’s number.

  “Whoa!” Cody jolted and reached behind him. He grinned. “Oops. It was in my back pocket.”

  I closed my eyes, fighting a smile, before looking back at him. “Sometimes you are brilliant, Mr. Miller. And other times…I worry about you.”

  “Oh yeah?” He approached me, his cocky little grin still plastered on his face. Once within arm’s length, he gripped my forearms and tugged me toward him, gliding his mouth up the side of my neck.

  His breath on my skin sent goosebumps down my arms.

  “Mhm.” When I swallowed, he kissed my throat. “We should unpack. I start work in the morning.”

  “All the more reason to do this.” Cody trailed kisses up my neck and to my lips.

  I surrendered to him, then. The boxes could wait. The important things were unpacked, anyway. I kissed him firmly on the mouth before easing into it, sliding my arm around his muscled waist and pushing him against the desk. I felt him smile against my lips.

  “Gotta admit, Doctor, I want it rough. Think you can manage?”

  “I’ll do my best,” I said, unbuttoning my pants and dropping them to the floor. I flipped him around to face the desk and gripped his nape, holding him in place while I tugged down his jeans. “Like this?”

  “Yes, sir.” Cody spread his legs wider and arched his back.

  I admired the dip of his spine and leaned forward to kiss a patch of freckles on his shoulder blade.

  The sex was quick but no less fulfilling. We no longer used condoms after being tested a few months back when he finished with TBS, and the skin on skin was intoxicating as I pushed into him. Our connection was stronger than ever, both physically and emotionally.

  Afterward, we showered together, our mouths finding each other again as the water rained down on us. I would never tire of kissing him. Of touching him. Even after the spark of new love passed, I continued to fall more in love with him. Every little thing about him drove me crazy—his voice, the raspy tone to his laugh, his scent, and how he still blushed sometimes when I complimented him.

  “Thank you,” Cody said, wrapping his arms around me later that night as we lay in bed.

  “For what?” I had almost been asleep.

  “For everything.” His head rested on my chest, and he turned to gaze at me in the dark. “You uprooted your whole life for me.”

  “I would do anything for you, Cody.”

  “I guess I just feel bad, you know? I never expected you to move for me.”

  “It wasn’t just for you.” I touched his jaw and lowered my mouth to his for a soft kiss. “It was for us. I want to build a life with you, and it doesn’t matter where we have to go; as long as you’re with me, that’s all that matters.”

  Cody leaned his head against mine and breathed deeply.

  I had noticed a change in him the past several months, ever since he had been sent to The Basic School. At first, I thought it was the distance between us that had made him different. But something in his training had shifted his sense of self. The childlike gleam he used to have about being a Marine was somewhat gone from his eyes now. There were moments, like now, when his whole body tensed and he became solemn.

  “Are you nervous about starting your new job tomorrow?” Cody asked. The tenseness left him, and he relaxed against my chest.

  “No.” I brushed my fingers through his short hair. “I’m excited, though.”

  Before moving to North Carolina, I had looked into a few jobs. There were several colleges around Jacksonville that were interested in having me, but I realized I was done with teaching. At least for a while. I missed being in a laboratory and performing experiments, furthering research on life-saving technology.

  So, I had applied for a nuclear physicist position. I would mostly be conducting laboratory research dealing with radiation but would also assist some of the local military scientists in performing weapons inspections, since Jacksonville had such a large military presence.

  “Did you know they used to call scientists eggheads?” Cody asked, breaking the silence.

  I snorted a laugh. I loved the random workings of his mind. “Yes, I’m well aware. It was considered an insult and used to make fun of us nerds.”

  “You’re not a nerd.”

  “I beg to differ.”

  “Well, if you’re a nerd, so am I.” Cody yawned and snuggled in closer, resting his face against my neck.

  The area in the center of my chest ached. I couldn’t imagine a life without Cody. He had been the very best part of my life for a year and a half, and I wanted many more years with him. Many more nights of him lying in my arms, saying random things and making me laugh. I wanted countless mornings of waking up beside him and pulling him close to me after a long day.

  “Marry me.”

  Cody’s head shot up. In the dim light and without my glasses, I couldn’t make out his facial features that well, but from what I could see, he appeared…confused.

  “Really?”

  Not the response I expected.

  My confidence waned. “Well, we don’t have to get married, if you don’t want to. I just love you, Cody. I know I say that a lot, but it’s true. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I know this isn’t a grand proposal or one that’s memorable, but—”

  “Sebastian?” Cody traced a line down my cheek. “Stop rambling. Of course I’ll marry you. I guess I’m just kinda bummed because I was going to ask you.”

  Chuckling, I hugged him closer and nuzzled the side of his head.

  Long after he fell asleep, I stayed awake, thinking. I would never say it to him, but I was worried about the future.

  Deployments didn’t always mean combat, but Cody had chosen a combat-oriented specialty. So when he deployed—whenever that might be—he would be commanding engineer units with repair, construction, and operating heavy equipment, sometimes during situations where the troops were under fire.

  Stop thinking about it.

  It was easier said than done.

  ***

  Life in Jacksonville had turned out surprisingly better than I thought. I hadn’t anticipated things to be bad; however, I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much. Three months of living here, and I was happy. Not just because I was with Cody, but also because I loved my job and had even become friendly with several of my colleagues.

  There was a man named Jared who was around my age, and we had a lot in common. During our lunch break, we discussed quantum physics and philosophies about the inner workings of the universe. And he had no problem with me being with Cody.

  “You need to be with the person who makes you feel like you’re floating,” Jared had said one day in the break room. “Without them, you spin round and round like a spinning top, but when you’re with them again, the world comes back into focus and everything feels light, like you’re drifting to the stars. If your man does that for you, then it’s no one else’s business.”

  “You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” I said, noting the smile in his eyes.

  “My wife is my world.” Jared absentmindedly twisted his wedding ring. “Many people I knew had crap to say about her in the beginning. Those people are no longer in my life, including some family members.” At my questioning glance, he added, “Lucy is transgender. She transitioned years before I met her, and I had no idea when we first met. But even after I found o
ut, it didn’t bother me. I love her for who she is, and nothing else matters.”

  Jared, I learned that day, was definitely someone I could see myself spending more time with. We started regularly eating together after that, and he had come over to the house several times with Lucy—who was just as lovely as he said—to have dinner. Cody liked Jared, too.

  After I drove home from work that afternoon, I walked into the house and went into the kitchen to start dinner. Cody usually got home thirty minutes after me, and I liked to have dinner at least started by then. He was still a much better cook, though.

  Our daily life was fairly normal. We woke up at the same time each morning, had coffee together, and then he left for morning physical training at the base before starting his duties for the day. He called it his ‘office job,’ because it was a regular eight-to-five job where he got to come home to me each night at a decent hour. There were only a few instances in which he had come home late.

  Just as I was looking in the refrigerator for what to cook, my phone rang. It vibrated on the counter, and I snatched it up, seeing a picture of me and Cody appear on the screen.

  “Hello?”

  “I love how you answer the phone so formal like,” Cody said with a laugh.

  “Hello isn’t formal.”

  “Most people just say hey.”

  “Okay…hey.”

  That made him laugh harder. “Fuck, I love you.”

  “Love you, too. Is everything okay?” I asked. He usually didn’t call me before coming home, unless it was to ask what we were eating.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. I just have to work late tonight. Not sure when I’ll be home.”

  “Do you want me to make dinner so you can heat it up when you get here?”

  “Nah, you don’t have to. I’ll probably grab something quick. Might be a late night.”

  We talked for another minute before he had to go. Since he wasn’t eating dinner, I decided to order something out. There wasn’t a point in cooking just for me. I scrolled through my phone and chose my favorite Italian restaurant, ordering chicken parmigiana.

  The house was quiet once my food arrived. As I sat down to eat, I looked around the spacious kitchen and past the entryway into the living room.

  With all the windows, the house was absolutely perfect, letting in natural light which I loved. It really felt like home, more so than my house in Emerald Falls. Probably because Cody and I had a life together here. Touches of him were everywhere, from the furniture to the pictures he’d hung on the walls.

  I placed my leftovers in the fridge, just in case Cody wanted them when he got home, and then I walked up the stairs to my study. The layout of this house was a lot different than my old one, and I preferred it. There were three bedrooms, one downstairs and two upstairs, plus two full baths and a sitting room that I had turned into my study. It was an older home and had a classic, historical feel.

  Cody thought it was haunted.

  A sliding door led to my study, and I smiled when I remembered Cody grabbing the edge of it and mimicking that man from Saw, saying “Game over,” before sliding it closed and laughing evilly. He was such a goofball.

  I sat down at my desk and glanced at the clock Leon had given me. It didn’t make me sad to look at it anymore. Beside it was the one Cody had bought me for Christmas the year we met. The two loves of my life. They were alike but so different, much like the clocks each had given me.

  It had been months since I opened Leon’s journal, but I found myself reaching for it. The worn spine was proof of all the times I had flipped through it, searching for answers he hadn’t given me within the pages.

  “I hope wherever you are, you’re happy,” I said, running my hand over the front of the journal. “And that you’re happy for me. You would’ve liked Cody. Or at least, I hope you would have. He’s so funny, Leon. And he’s kind.”

  I knew I was talking to myself. But perhaps Leon could hear me, wherever he was; whether it be in the stars or someplace else.

  I opened it to the last page, my eyes glazing over as I read the last entry.

  Sebastian,

  Finally, we’ve reached the end. The end of the journal…the end of everything, I suppose. By this point, I’ve already told you the truth. We’re in the hospital, and you’re holding my right hand. You were up all night with me. I’m tired, too, but I’d much rather watch you right now.

  Did you know your face scrunches up when you sleep?

  The doctor just said I don’t have much longer. And I feel it, Seb. Mortality. I don’t feel like myself sometimes, like someone else is taking over my body. I’m still not ready to die. I don’t think anyone is.

  My life might not have been as long as I would’ve liked, but you helped me make the most of the time I had. You showed me what it was like to love someone so deeply that I felt like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole over and over. Falling deeper in love with you. And maybe I was like the white rabbit, too, in a way, obsessed with time. My only regret in this life is not meeting you sooner.

  I love you, Sebastian Vale.

  My happily ever after ends here, holding your hand as I go somewhere else. But your book still has so many blank pages. Make the most of them, okay? Love and laugh. Don’t waste a single moment.

  All my love,

  Your Leon

  I re-read the last few sentences. Was that the answer I had been looking for? It had been in front of me all this time, and I felt foolish for not seeing it sooner. He wanted me to live the rest of my life to the fullest. To love. The guilt I had carried over falling in love with Cody lifted off me in a sudden rush.

  I no longer felt that way.

  My eyes watered at the revelation, and I closed the journal. Standing from my desk, I took the journal and slid it into an open space on the bookshelf.

  Finally, I let go of Leon.

  Later that night, I was nearly asleep when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Cody stripped out of his clothes and crawled in behind me on the bed, kissing the back of my neck as his arm came around my waist.

  I draped my arm over his and turned back to look at him.

  “Sorry I woke you,” he said.

  “Don’t be sorry.” I shifted to my other side so I could face him. “It’s hard to sleep without you here.”

  He brought my chin forward and kissed me. We didn’t say anything more after that. Not with words, anyway. His lips on mine said many things—that he missed me; that he loved me.

  Cody straddled my hips a while later, taking me into his body, and threw his head back with a groan. Our hands clasped together as he rode me, and when he came, he cried out and fell forward, burying his face into the side of my neck.

  His panting breaths, the moans leaving his sweet lips, and the way he held onto me—all of these things were stored to my memory. I wanted to spend the rest of my days making him this happy.

  ***

  Days later, I came home from work and started dinner. I had had a long day, but knowing I’d see Cody soon made it better. He always made it better.

  I pre-heated the oven and grabbed the chicken from the refrigerator. The spice rack was stocked with all of Cody’s favorites, and I scanned them before choosing the garlic and herb blend. As I was seasoning the chicken, the front door opened and closed.

  “Babe?”

  “I’m in here,” I called out, placing the chicken in a glass pan before going over to the sink to wash my hands.

  I knew something was off right when he walked into the kitchen. He was smiling, as usual, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Cody pulled me in for a light peck on the lips. His dark hair had been cut super short recently. A ‘jarhead haircut,’ as he called it. “What’s for dinner? I’m starving.”

  “Stop evading the question. I know you too well. What’s wrong?”

  With a defeated sigh, he backed away from me and opened a cabinet. Not finding what he was looking for,
he slammed it before opening another. “Where are the goddamn potatoes?”

  “In the lazy Susan. Bottom shelf.”

  Cody knelt down and turned the cabinet until he found the bag. He plopped it down on the counter with a hard thump before taking a few out and running water over them.

  “Cody?”

  “I just got word that I’ll be deploying soon,” he said, not looking at me. After grabbing a knife and laying out the cutting board, he began peeling a potato. “Probably Afghanistan.”

  My breathing came a little harder.

  You knew this would happen. It’s okay.

  “All right.” I brought the trashcan over to him and dumped the peels. He didn’t need me to express my million concerns. He needed my support. “Just tell me when you know more.”

  He stopped peeling and tilted his head at me. “You’re taking this better than I thought.”

  “How did you expect me to take it?”

  Cody shrugged and chopped up the potato, dropping it into a pan of water, and grabbing another to peel.

  “I knew what to expect going into this,” I said, gently touching his arm. “When you were my student, I knew you owed years to the Corps after graduating. I knew it, and I still fell in love with you. And I would do it again.”

  Cody tore his gaze from mine and cleared his throat. “Just sucks. I wanted to marry you first.”

  The wedding had been put on the backburner as we settled into our new lives in North Carolina. I thought we would have more time. I should have known we wouldn’t.

  “We can get married when you come home.” I took the knife from his hand and turned him to face me. “Planning will give me something to do while you’re away.”

  “You’ll be okay when I’m gone?” Cody’s brow furrowed, and he ran a hand through my hair. “No missing meals, losing sleep, and falling behind on basic hygiene?”

  Chuckling, I pressed my head against his hand. “I promise. I’ll be fine. Just worry about yourself when you’re gone. I have everything handled here.”

  “And maybe try to get out a little?” he asked, staring at me with eyes he knew I couldn’t resist. “Go out with Jared. Maybe to a symphony or a movie. Something to get you away from the house that doesn’t involve working. I know how you get when you’re stressed, and it’s not healthy.”