Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  The tears started all over again.

  Eventually, the grieving period lifted, and life continued on. There were days where I felt numb and other days where I held my head a little higher. Jared helped keep me sane, though. In the four months Cody had been gone, I had spent a lot of time with him and his wife. We went to the theater to see an Off-Broadway production of Les Miserables, attended several art shows and symphonies, and we frequently had dinner together.

  I was always the third wheel, but it didn’t bother me.

  Several of the partners of other deployed Marines had reached out to me, too. Once a month, we all got together and visited over lunch. The social setting took me a while to get used to, and I still wasn’t fully comfortable, but it was nice to be around people who understood what I was going through.

  The highlight of my day was Skyping with Cody. Those calls were hardly ever scheduled. Due to his mission, it was hard for him to know when he would be available, but we worked around it as best as we could.

  “Hey, babe,” Cody said after I answered his call. He was wearing his combat utility uniform, and there was a faint, pink line on his head, probably from him wearing his helmet for so long. “How are you?”

  “Good,” I answered, adjusting the webcam to put myself more in view. It was one in the afternoon my time, and since it was the weekend, I was at home and tucked away in my study. Cody was eight hours ahead of me. “How is everything with you?”

  “Eh, same old. Are you doing anything special tonight?”

  I noticed Cody didn’t like talking about himself. Our chats were his way of escaping, and it helped for him to have something else to think about instead of whatever he was doing in Afghanistan. I wasn’t allowed to know the details of his mission, so I never asked about it.

  “Jared and Lucy are coming over for dinner,” I said, keeping my tone light.

  “That sounds nice.” He smiled and rubbed at his mouth. His lips appeared a little chapped, and I made a mental note to include more Chapstick in the next care package I sent him. “I’m glad they’ve become such good friends for you. Makes being here a bit more bearable knowing you’re doing okay.”

  “When you get home, I’d like to take you to a new restaurant that just opened.” I learned it helped if Cody had something to look forward to. Talking about plans after his deployment finished was a good way to do that. “There’s a lot of king crab.”

  “Oh, man.” Cody grinned, flashing the dimple I adored. “I can’t wait. It will be the second best thing after kissing you.”

  My chest warmed. I was eagerly awaiting the day when I could pull him into my arms again.

  “Did you like what I put in your last package?”

  “Yeah. Me and the guys play the hell out of the cards. Thank you for thinking of that. It’s a great way to pass the time when we’re sitting around waiting. We love the hacky sack, too. I’m not as coordinated as the others, but it’s fun.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Other than a few things to occupy his time, I mainly sent travel-sized toiletry items like lotion, baby wipes, as well as toothpaste, deodorant, and shaving cream. And in every package, I made sure to send socks and boot insoles.

  “Just to let you know, some of the guys said they’d be fighting me for you when we get back,” Cody said, chuckling.

  Some of the men in his company didn’t have many loved ones back at home to send them things, so I had started sending them care packages, as well. Apparently, I had earned the title of Package Daddy…or something along those lines. I was too afraid to ask for specification.

  “Well, you tell them I’m taken.” I returned his smile before growing serious. “Has anyone given you any more trouble?”

  “Nah. Things are good here. Don’t worry.”

  Being gay in the military was no longer discriminated against since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell had been repealed; however, some of the Marines had given Cody a hard time after the sendoff. They hadn’t wanted a ‘queer’ in charge of them. Cody didn’t say how he handled the situation, but given the fact that he held superior rank over some of them, I assumed he took care of himself on that front. I knew he had friends who supported him, though, the ones who called me ‘Package Daddy’ being some of them.

  “Hey, is that your man?”

  Cody looked up from the screen and grinned. “Get the fuck away, Anthony.”

  “Be nice, Second Lieutenant Miller,” I said.

  Anthony barked a laugh in the background. “Yeah, Second Lieutenant Miller. Listen to your Package Daddy.”

  “Guess I better go,” Cody said, moving his gray-blue eyes back to me. “I’ll talk to you when I can. Love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  After the screen went black, the room became too quiet. Silence had become a normal part of my world without him.

  I would’ve done anything to hear him walking up the stairs right now. He would say, “Babe, I’m home,” and I’d smile and meet him in the hall for a kiss.

  I left my study and was greeted with nothing but silence.

  I used to love the quiet. Now it was just a reminder that he wasn’t here with me.

  ***

  Six months had passed since Cody left. I thought I was dealing with the distance easier, but in the midst of the holiday season, I found myself withdrawing into my shell a little more. Cody loved Christmas, and as I walked down the sidewalk one Saturday morning, seeing all the holiday decorations and people coming and going with shopping bags in hand, it made me miss him even more.

  I missed how Cody sang carols out of tune. I missed the way his cheeks reddened in the winter air and how he would press his cold nose to my neck to warm up. And his love of hot chocolate knew no bounds. I would make us each a steaming mug, tossing a handful of marshmallows into his, and then we would sit together on the couch and watch one of his favorite Christmas movies.

  Most of all, I missed the way I felt while around him. I was tired of spinning.

  “How are you holding up?” Jared asked, after pulling out a chair for Lucy and sitting across from me.

  We were at The Milk Road, a small coffee shop in town. Jared had called me earlier and asked if I wanted to meet them, as it had been a while since we had visited outside of work.

  “As good as I can be.” I took a drink of my coffee and gave an appreciative nod at the taste. Not bad at all.

  “Just have to hang in there a few more months,” he said and offered me a kind smile. “He’ll be home soon.”

  “Have you talked to him lately?” Lucy asked. She was soft-spoken and shy, but she had opened up to me more over the past few months.

  “Not since last Friday,” I said, and the admission caused a string of worry to tangle in my gut.

  Cody had said that ‘sometimes no news was good news,’ meaning if I didn’t hear from him for a while, it didn’t always mean something was wrong. He could be too busy, or his schedule could be off from mine due to the time difference, especially if he was assigned a new post to work all night and sleep during the day.

  “You should spend Christmas with us.” Lucy cupped her hands around her mug. Her long blonde hair was pulled back, and she wore a decorative ear warmer that matched her cream-colored scarf. “We’ll have plenty of food, and it’ll be nice to have you.”

  “I’m not sure.” I didn’t want to impose.

  “Come on, Sebastian,” Jared said. “You shouldn’t spend it alone.”

  “Very well. But just as long as it’s no inconvenience.”

  “It’s not at all.”

  “Thank you.”

  Once I had some coffee in me, I talked more. They brought Cody up in conversation here and there, but they mainly kept the focus on other things, like the holiday, events coming to town, and future plans. When they spoke of Cody, it wasn’t about him in Afghanistan, but rather, what we should do once he got back. It was lovely.

  “Have you picked a date for the big day yet?” Lucy asked.

&
nbsp; “Well, Cody comes home in March,” I said, after dabbing at my mouth to rid it of blueberry muffin crumbs. I blamed Cody for my newfound liking of them. “So, we decided on a May wedding.”

  Planning the wedding had given me a much needed distraction, apart from my work at the lab. Since Cody was a Marine, we were allowed to have the ceremony in a military chapel. The chapels filled up quickly, so I had spoken to the chaplain and reserved our spot. I was worried we would be denied for being a same-sex couple, but the chaplain had reassured me that wasn’t the case.

  Later that afternoon, I sat at my desk, trying to decipher the theoretical probability on a computer program about how certain combined nuclei would react, when there was an incoming call notification on Skype. I answered, and upon seeing Cody’s smiling face, my breathing came easier than it had in a week.

  “Hello,” I said, barely able to contain my joy.

  “Hey, baby.” He looked so tired. “How are you?”

  “Better now that I’m talking to you.”

  “Same.” Cody gave me that look, his eyes creased around the edges and a soft smile in place. It was a lovesick expression that made my heart beat faster. “Tell me what you did today.”

  “I had coffee with Jared and Lucy in town, and then I walked around for a while. What did you do?”

  Cody pressed his lips into a line. “Did some target practice and basic demolition. Can’t say much more than that.”

  I nodded, knowing most of what he did was confidential, especially over Skype, since it was sometimes monitored. “I called today to have solar panels installed on the roof.”

  “Still saving the planet, I see.”

  “I can say the same about you.” I brushed my bangs aside, realizing I needed to trim my hair. A hair cut had been the last thing on my to-do list, though.

  “Nah, I’m just a regular guy.”

  I was about to tell him he was so much more than that when there was the sound of an explosion.

  Cody jolted and looked to the side before standing up and leaning down to the screen. “I gotta go, baby. I love you.”

  The call ended.

  I had never been more terrified.

  I shook, and tears welled in my eyes. What frustrated me most was there was absolutely nothing I could do. There was no way to find out what happened, other than to wait until I could talk to him again.

  “Please be okay,” I said, putting my face in my hands.

  I found myself turning on the news a lot, both dreading and anticipating any word about his unit. But there was never anything broadcasted about it.

  Sometimes, no news is good news, Cody had said.

  Surely, if there had been an attack, I would hear about it.

  Days passed, and there was still no word from Cody. I sat at my desk, watching the snow fall outside the window. The clocks in front of me began to chime, counting down the seconds until noon. It was Christmas Eve, and I was off work. I would’ve preferred to be in the lab, though; I had started to hate being at home.

  My mind drifted back to last Christmas Eve. Cody had been in the kitchen banging things around, and I had walked in there to see him covered in flour and pouting.

  “I turned the mixer on too high,” he said, jutting out his bottom lip.

  “You look absolutely ridiculous.” I walked toward him, smiling at the white all over his apron, shirt, and even in his dark hair. “But I love it.”

  “Ridiculous, huh?” Cody pinched some flour between his fingers and flicked it at me.

  That had started a tickle fight. One that he won, of course. My strength was nothing compared to his.

  I helped him clean up the mess and get back on track with the cookies. We had spent the whole day doing the holiday activities he loved—baking, watching old Christmas claymation movies, and eating so much I felt like I was going to pop. I played a few songs on the piano while he sang.

  I blinked away my daydream and focused on the computer. There was no music playing and no warmth. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to stop feeling so sorry for myself. No matter how upset I was, it was nothing compared to how Cody had to feel being so far from home.

  Please let him be okay.

  I wouldn’t be able to cope, otherwise.

  I jumped at the Skype notification. When answering the call, I couldn’t even get a word out upon seeing him. My throat was tight, and my eyes watered. Relief, joy, and worry all wound through me.

  “Hey, you,” Cody said, smiling. Although tired, he appeared healthy. He wasn’t wounded or hurt in any way that I could see.

  “Hi.” My voice cracked. “I was beginning to worry.”

  “Only beginning to? Liar.”

  “You’re right.” I quietly coughed to clear the lump wedged in my throat. “I don’t like not hearing from you. Is everything okay? What happened?”

  “Yeah, it’s all good,” Cody answered. The smile he wore seemed forced, as if he was doing his best to reassure me even though he was drained. “Sorry for the radio silence. Things are okay here. I can’t get into it, but there was some trouble and it’s taken care of. I miss you.”

  Don’t cry in front of him.

  “I miss you, too.”

  “Did you put a tree up for me?” he asked.

  “I did.” I didn’t tell him that it was one of the hardest things I had done since he’d been gone, though.

  For the past two Christmases, he had made decorating the tree enjoyable. Without him, it did nothing but stir up the pain of him being thousands of miles away. And decorating the tree after not hearing from him in nearly a week had been emotionally crippling.

  “Awesome. We have a tree here, too. Well, kinda.” Cody chuckled and scratched at his jaw. He didn’t have a beard, but there was more stubble than I was used to seeing on him. “We made a makeshift tree with some green sandbags and strung some lights on it. Not the prettiest thing in the world, but it’ll do.”

  I smiled at the mental image. Cody didn’t let being in a desert region take away his Christmas spirit, and I was sure that holiday cheer spread to the other Marines stationed with him.

  “You should sing some carols,” I said.

  Cody grinned. “Is that an underhanded jab at me, Doctor? You do know I’m kind of an amazing vocalist, right?”

  “Mhm.”

  His eyes narrowed, and then he started singing ‘Jingle Bells.’ I tried to keep smiling, but my eyes filled with tears, and I couldn’t stop them from falling down my cheeks.

  “I’ve never known ‘Jingle Bells’ to make anyone cry before.” Cody snorted a laugh, his eyes were watery, too. Voices sounded in the background, and he looked up to speak to someone off camera. Then, he came back into view. “I have to go. If I don’t get to talk to you tomorrow, Merry Christmas, baby.”

  “Merry Christmas, you devil.”

  He cracked a smile. “Love you.”

  I said it back to him, and long after the screen went dark, I stared at the spot where he had been. This was our relationship now: minute-long video chats and scattered conversations through instant messenger.

  I just wanted him to come home.

  Chapter 28

  Cody

  March couldn’t come soon enough. I was seven months into deployment and fucking ready to leave. But I still had shit to do and wouldn’t lose focus until it was done.

  Task Force Southwest consisted of three-hundred Marines, and our mission was to work with the Afghan National Army to advise and assist the troops. There had been several rotations of Marines who had come to aid the forces in Helmand Province, and I was sure there’d be more after us, too. Our goal was to expand the security and rebuild the forces in the area around the capital city of Lashkar Gah.

  Though the mission in Helmand was more administrative, that didn’t mean there wasn’t any combat.

  Back in December while I had been Skyping with Sebastian, Taliban forces attempted an attack on Camp Shorabak, which was the home to the Afghan Army’s Corps. The adjo
ining U.S. base was separate and had its own security perimeter, so none of us had come under serious threat. The Taliban attacked with mortars, and we supported the Afghan soldiers during the attack. Fortunately, there were no casualties. Only a few had minor wounds.

  Not being able to talk to Sebastian for nearly a week had caused me a lot of anxiety, mainly because I knew he was worried.

  Since that incident, there had been several other mortar attacks, none of which I would tell Sebastian about. One of them had been when I was out patrolling. It had been a close call for me and the squad, but fortunately, none of us had any serious injuries.

  I sat in the chow hall, killing some time before we had to set out on today’s task.

  The accommodations were nicer than I originally expected. The chow hall served decent food, and we had a little coffee place that served iced drinks. It wasn’t the greatest, but it wasn’t bad at all.

  “The men are ready to head out, sir,” Anthony said, after approaching me.

  As an enlisted Marine, Anthony was a combat engineer, and I was his superior officer. Back in North Carolina, we had become friends, but the deployment had brought us even closer. My rank might have been above his, but I never let that go to my head. He rendered support to and respected me, even though we often bantered and gave each other shit.

  I nodded to him and stood from the table before getting my gear and heading outside.

  It had taken a while to get used to the climate in Afghanistan. Blue skies with little to no cloud coverage and desert terrain. And the dust…that shit was everywhere. It was one of the first things I noticed. The heat was the second thing. It had been fucking awful. I’d never experienced anything quite like it.

  Now that it was January, the temperature was a lot better, but it could get pretty cold at night.

  As a combat engineer, I was like a jack of all trades. My duties included maintenance, repair, operating heavy machinery, and clearing minefields. During the seven months in Helmand Province, the other engineers and I had built patrol bases and demilitarized the other bases that no longer served a purpose. We had also done smaller tasks around camp, like built flooring for tents outside the shower units and benches and tables so everyone would have places to sit and eat.