Hardball

by V.K. Sykes

  * * *

  Holly’s dismay had grown steadily from the moment Nate opened his mouth. He’d gone on and on, but all the words were simply a repackaging of the things he’d said to her on the trip back from Florida. The wrapping was prettier, and maybe he even believed it made a difference, but in the end nothing substantive had changed. He still didn’t know what he wanted, which could all too easily translate into something she didn’t want. As for his idea of turning back the clock, how was that even possible? It made no sense to her.

  Yes, he seemed anxious, almost desperate, to keep her in his life. And yes, he’d said words about wanting to change. But it was like trying to grab hold of a cloud of smoke. She’d searched hard for something tangible to grasp, because she wanted to find something to keep their relationship alive. But she’d be damned if she’d delude herself again.

  And he’d totally avoided the big ticket issue—fidelity.

  “You’re not going to give me a chance, are you?” he asked with a grim expression.

  The server approached with the vegetable tempura, so Holly took the opportunity to gather her thoughts before responding to his question. The soup bowls were quietly whisked away and the tempura set between them. Though her insides were churning with tension and tears threatened, she willed herself to stay strong. She picked up her chopsticks, more because she wanted to do something with her hands than from a desire to eat. In fact, she’d lost any appetite she’d had.

  Lord, Holly. Get it over with!

  “A chance? Nate, I wish I could give you what you want, but I have to give myself a chance first. Don’t you understand? What’s going to happen a month from now, or six months from now? Picture it. I’m here in Philly, totally and hopelessly in love with you, and you’re in L.A. or some other baseball town. You’re dating some model because, after all, you just can’t help it, can you? Those damn girls won’t leave you alone, so what’s a guy going to do, right?”

  She didn’t really want to sound bitter or sarcastic, but figured she failed miserably.

  He started to protest but she held up a hand. “Meanwhile, I’m back here at home, falling apart, no damn good to my patients or anybody else. I’m a surgeon. I can’t afford to let myself get emotionally destroyed by an unreliable relationship.”

  When he stayed silent, sitting there shaking his head, she put the chopsticks down and clenched both her fists. “Nate, I don’t need a crystal ball to see that scenario unfolding. Sure, there’s a chance it wouldn’t happen, but I can’t afford to play the odds. Maybe you think I’m a coward, but better to end it now before we hurt each other a lot more than we already have.”

  Nate started to reply, but stopped abruptly, looking as if he’d bitten back words. He refilled his cup and drained it in one swallow before finding his voice.

  “I hear you. You’ve made up your mind, so I’m just wasting my breath.” He sounded angry now, but still controlled. “But I’m not going to let you go before saying one more thing.” He gazed straight into her eyes. “For God’s sake, Holly, don’t you know how simple it would be to tell you what you want to hear? I could say all the right words, but not actually change a damn thing. Instead, I’m being completely honest with you. I’m telling you I want to try—to do my best. But you’re not willing to give me a chance.”

  Holly gripped her shaking hands together in her lap. Every cell in her body called for her to capitulate. Every stupid, soft emotion in her heart urged her to take the risk—to be with him, because that’s what she really wanted. Wanted more than anything, to be with Nate Carter, the man she loved against all reason.

  She couldn’t let that happen.

  “Nate, listen to me. I truly wish I was someone who strong enough, together enough, to put her heart out there like you want me to. But that’s just not me. I’m sorry,” she said in a broken voice. “You can’t know how sorry.”

  He leaned across the table, looking fierce and determined, his dark eyes blazing with so much emotion that it almost sucked her into their vortex.

  “You’re the one I want, Holly. The only one I want. But if you’re still demanding an ironclad guarantee, then I just can’t do it. I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that I’m willing to try and see where our relationship goes. Why can’t that be enough for now?”

  Her whole body trembled now, and she felt weak and shaky. She had to get out of there. There was no point batting the same words back and forth across the table, because they were worlds apart in how they thought about love and commitment. It would take a monumental something to make that change.

  Holly mustered up every ounce of strength she could find. “This isn’t about ironclad guarantees. It’s about trust. Trust means everything to me.”

  Seeing him shake his head in exasperation made her anger flare. “Stop it! Just listen, okay? How could I live my life knowing I can’t trust you completely? I’m thirty-one years old. I’m not into casual relationships. I never was. And that sure isn’t what I want now. I want you. More than I’d have believed possible before you barged your way into my life. And I won’t share you. Not now. Not ever!”

  Then her voice did break, and tears welled in her eyes. ”Oh, damn. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, no matter what.”

  “Holly, honey…” Nate stretched a hand across the table but she shook her head.

  “Just give me a second.” She reached into her bag, pulling out a tissue. Great. On top of everything else, now I look like a huge baby, too.

  Pain and disappointment were so clearly etched into Nate’s features that, for a moment, Holly forgot her own wretched heartache.

  Then Nate breathed out a quiet curse and looked away.

  She wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him. “God, Nate, don’t you get it? Being faithful isn’t like giving up smoking. There, it isn’t the end of the world if a guy sneaks a puff once in a while. A relationship isn’t like that. Being faithful means no sneaking and no puffs, period.”

  He gave an angry shrug and ran a hand through his hair. But still he said nothing, although he looked frustrated as hell.

  She blew her nose, then tried for a calm tone of voice. “Honestly I don’t see a future for us. I wish more than anything that I did. But my head’s in one place, and yours is obviously somewhere else. It’s possible we might get to the same place eventually, but the risk and the pain involved in that would just be too much to take.”

  She stood up quickly, grabbing her bag off the seat. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I hope you’ll understand, someday if not now.”

  She turned and rushed to the door. Behind her, she heard Nate call out, “Holly, wait a minute.”

  But she kept going and didn’t look back.