Fever

by Maya Banks

  “Bethany,” he said in a quiet voice as he closed the distance between them.

  She flinched away the moment he tried to touch her. She turned her head, clearly trying to hide her tears from him. And that pissed him off even more. Not at her. At himself. Because he’d fucked up.

  “You still don’t trust me,” she whispered brokenly. “I don’t know why we’re doing this. I can’t do this, Jace. I won’t be with a man who continues to think the worst of me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve given you everything. My trust, my heart. You may have given me material things, but you’ve given me nothing that truly matters.”

  “My love doesn’t matter?” he demanded.

  This time she met his gaze with her liquid eyes. They were fiercely determined, her mouth drawn into a tight line.

  “You cannot stand there and tell me you love me when you think so poorly of me. You may be in lust with me, you may be infatuated. But you do not love me.”

  “Don’t tell me I don’t love you!”

  His pulse was roaring in his ears and panic clawed at his throat. He damn well did love her, and the hell of it was, he did trust her. After he’d calmed down, he knew damn well she and Ash weren’t doing shit behind his back. He trusted her and he damn sure trusted his best friend. Neither of them would ever do anything to betray him.

  But he’d reacted emotionally and lashed out at the two people he cared most about. Because he was a hotheaded dick with a shitty temper and a propensity for biting the people closest to him.

  Jesus, he had to get his shit together. Starting right now.

  “You say you love me, but your actions say otherwise.”

  Her voice was quiet and resigned.

  “Words are just words. The evidence is in how you act, how you react. What is wrong with you? You never even asked what Ash was doing here. Didn’t ask why. Other than asking us what the fuck was going on in that accusatory, shitty voice. And it wasn’t really a question you wanted an answer to anyway. It was more of an ‘Aha! I caught you in the act!’”

  Jace closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, baby. I know damn well you weren’t doing anything behind my back. I knew it then too. I’m in a shitty mood, had a shitty day and I took it out on you and Ash.”

  “Apologize to him,” she choked out. “You hurled a horrible insult at him. He’s your best friend. You’ve been best friends for twenty years. You’ve only known me a few weeks, so I guess I can’t ask for more in the trust department. But what you thought of him was just shitty.”

  “I know. I know, baby. And yeah, I’ll absolutely apologize to him, but first I have to make it right with you.”

  “You can’t make this right,” she said sadly. “No amount of saying I love you and I trust you makes it true when it isn’t.”

  “What are you saying?” he whispered, fear paralyzing him.

  “I’m going to pack my stuff and go. And no, I’m not running off or being irrational. But I can’t stay here. Not anymore. I’ll go back to the other apartment. It’s not like Jack is there anyway. I’ll figure out what to do next.”

  As she started toward the bedroom, Jace caught her arm and pulled her roughly against his chest.

  “No. You aren’t going,” he said with fierce determination. “The hell you’re going anywhere. We’ve been over this, baby. You stay and fight. Throw something at me. Yell at me. Do whatever you have to do. But you stay and fight for what we have.”

  Her gaze was heavy and dull when she looked directly in his eyes.

  “What good does it do for me to fight when you won’t?”

  He sucked in his breath. Then he tightened his grips on her shoulders, curling his fingers inward to keep him from shaking.

  “You aren’t going anywhere tonight,” he growled. “It’s cold and it’s snowing. You stay here where it’s safe.”

  She closed her eyes, averting her face with a sigh. “Fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “The hell you will.”

  He fingered her collar, flicking at the diamond.

  “You sleep in my bed. That’s not negotiable. No fucking way you’re going to sleep on the couch.”

  Her shoulders slumped even further and she wrenched away from his grasp. Without a word, she walked toward the bedroom, leaving Jace kicking himself with every breath.

  Christ. He had to catch Ash before this went too far. He had been a complete dick. He’d let Bethany cool off. He’d catch Ash, apologize and then he’d come back to Bethany when emotions weren’t running so high. And then he was going to grovel like hell and swear on all that was holy that he’d hold his fucking tongue in the future.

  He pulled out his cell and punched Ash’s number in.

  “What the fuck do you want?” Ash demanded.

  Jace winced at the fury in his friend’s voice.

  “You very far?”

  “I’m getting into the car now.”

  “Don’t. Have him circle. I’ll be right down. Meet me in front.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Just do it, Ash,” Jace said softly. “You and I both know I was an asshole. I’m not letting you leave pissed off.”

  “Too late for that,” Ash snapped.

  “I’ll be down in two minutes.”

  He disconnected the call and hoped like hell Ash wasn’t so pissed off that he wouldn’t come back inside. He already felt like the biggest jackass on the planet.

  Jace hurried into the elevator and rode down. When he got off, he made certain he positioned himself where he’d see if Bethany tried to bolt. When he glanced toward the entrance, he was hugely relieved to see Ash stalking back through the doors.

  When Ash saw Jace, his features twisted into a glower and he strode to where Jace stood.

  “What the fuck is your problem, man?” Ash demanded. “I cannot believe the shit you just pulled. Apart from the fact that you insulted the hell out of me, you shit all over Bethany. A woman who has done nothing but love you and put up with your bullshit from the start. You want to talk about being an asshole the other day? What the fuck was that shit you pulled just now?”

  Jace held up his hands. “I’m sorry, man. I know there wasn’t anything going on. I do. I don’t even question it. Don’t need to know what was up because I know whatever it was is cool. I’ve had a shitty day and all I wanted was to get home to be with Bethany and when I walked in and saw you touching her and saw her fucking smile . . . God, she hasn’t smiled like that for me in days. She was lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. It was so bright and breathtaking that it goddamn hurt to look at her. And I just snapped. It was stupid. Neither of you deserved it. But I took out my anger and frustration on you both.”

  Ash just stared at him for a long moment. “This shit’s got to stop. This is twice you’ve bit at me. I’m not taking it a third time.”

  “I get it,” Jace said quietly.

  “What the fuck, man? Did you honestly think she would cheat on you? Or is this some fucked-up response to me sleeping with her that first time we were all together? Because she doesn’t deserve that from you. She accepted something we offered and you’ve been punishing her for that ever since. If you want to blame someone, take a look at yourself. If you’d been honest from the start, that night would have never happened and you would never have to look at her and remember me fucking her.”

  Jace flinched at the blunt assessment. But Ash was right. One hundred percent right. It was twisted, but he realized Ash had hit on something Jace hadn’t even realized. He was, in a small way, punishing Bethany for something she hadn’t even orchestrated. He couldn’t stand to see her and Ash together because he was reminded of that night. And even though he’d been able to joke with Ash about it in the office earlier, it was because Bethany hadn’t been there.

  “No, I don’t think she’d cheat on me,” Jace said quietly. “And you’re right. She doesn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. I couldn’t let you walk away without apologizing. I don’t want this between us anymor
e.”

  “If you don’t want it between us, then you need to deal, Jace. Because Bethany and I are cool. We’re okay with what happened and we’re okay moving forward. She’s still embarrassed as hell over it, which makes what you just did even worse. We’d worked it out. That’s what we were discussing when you barged in acting like an asshole.”

  Jace’s brows drew together. “What do you mean, ‘worked it out’?”

  “It means I told her I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable around me and that I wanted us to be friends. I see the way she looks at me when we’re together and how awkward things are. If you and she are going to be together, I thought it was important that we bury the hatchet and that I try to make things as comfortable and as easy between us as possible. That’s what you saw, Jace. Certainly not me making moves on your woman.”

  Jace rubbed his temples. “I’m sorry. I fucked up again. Swear to God, it’s all I do.”

  “And why are you down here apologizing to me when it’s Bethany you need to be begging forgiveness from?” Ash demanded.

  Jace blew out his breath. “She’s upset.”

  “Understandably so.”

  “Yeah. Absolutely.”

  “So, then why aren’t you up there with her?” Ash persisted. “Tell me you aren’t giving her up. Because I’m telling you right now, you do that and I’ll move in and I won’t be the asshole you’re being.”

  Jace’s nostrils flared. “What the fuck? So you do have feelings for her.”

  Ash shook his head. “All I know is that she’s a beautiful, desirable, sweet-as-hell woman. That already places her miles above the women we typically fuck. I’d be perfectly happy to see where a relationship would take us. I already know we’re compatible in bed.”

  “Fuck you,” Jace snarled.

  Ash smirked. “Then maybe you should get your ass up the elevator and make sure she’s not going to leave your ass.”

  Jace averted his gaze. “There was something different this time. She wasn’t so much pissed as she was . . . defeated. It was scary as fuck. She got teary-eyed, but she tried to hide that from me so it wasn’t like she was manipulating me with tears. And she was just so resigned and matter-of-fact. I went too far this time, Ash. Trust has been an issue with us before. My mouth has gotten ahead of my brain more than once and I’ve bit at her, said shit I didn’t mean, and it hurt her. Just like I hurt her a while ago. Not sure she’s going to be so quick to forgive this time.”

  “Well, you won’t know until you get your ass up there,” Ash said calmly.

  “Are we good?” Jace asked in a quiet voice.

  Ash’s shoulders went up and down as he blew out a deep breath. “Yeah, man, we’re good. But swear to God, you won’t get a third time to pull that shit with me.”

  Jace nodded and then held up his fist. Ash bumped it. Hard. Jace nearly winced as Ash’s knuckles cracked over his.

  “Go make this right with your girl,” Ash said. “Because if you don’t, I will.”

  Jace scowled and Ash laughed.

  “Knew that would motivate you,” Ash said, amusement heavy in his voice.

  Jace punched him in the arm and then turned back to the elevator. “Later, man.”

  “Let me know how it goes with Bethany,” Ash said quietly.

  “Will do.”

  • • •

  When Jace entered the bedroom, he saw that Bethany was already in bed. She was curled into a tight ball, her back turned to the center of the bed so she’d face away from him.

  She was also wearing pajamas when she always wore nothing to bed. It was one of his rules—the first she’d blatantly broken.

  He sighed, knowing damn well he wasn’t going to take her to task for not obeying the no-clothing-to-bed dictate.

  He undressed and then slid into bed next to her. He edged closer to her until her back was pressed to his chest and he curled an arm around her body, pulling her even tighter to his body.

  She went rigid, tension boiling off her body.

  “We need to talk, baby.”

  She shook her head. “No. Not tonight. I have nothing to say. I’m too upset and we’ll end up saying things we regret. Isn’t that what you’ve basically said happens with you? That you say shit you don’t mean? For once, I want you to say something you do mean. I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of having to tiptoe around, never knowing how you’re going to take things or how you’ll react or what fucked-up way you’ll interpret something that is absolutely meaningless.”

  He sighed and kissed her shoulder, leaving his lips pressed against her skin.

  “You haven’t even eaten anything. It’s early yet.”

  “I’m not hungry,” she said in a low voice. “Please, Jace, just leave me alone. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not running. Go eat or do whatever it is you want to do and let me work this out on my own.”

  He rolled away from her onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

  “Not crazy about you lying here hurting because of me, baby.”

  She didn’t respond, but he saw the slight wobble of her shoulders and he cursed silently. She was fucking crying. And she wanted to be left alone. Didn’t want to be comforted. Didn’t want his arms around her. Didn’t want him holding her.

  He squeezed his eyes shut. Yeah, he’d fucked up royally. Even worse than the last time. When would he stop doing this shit?

  How could he even go into work tomorrow when he’d be paralyzed with the fear of her leaving the minute he was out of sight?

  He couldn’t live like this. And he knew she couldn’t either. He was destroying her with his mistrust. And the hell of it was, he did trust her.

  Maybe this was a product of their relationship only being a few weeks old. These were issues all couples had to work out, weren’t they? He’d moved fast. He knew that. Most normal people drew out the dating and get-to-know-you stage a little longer than he had. But then, he’d always gone after what he wanted with single-minded determination. Bethany had been no different in that regard.

  Knowing he’d never go to sleep this early, he eased out of bed. Her back was still to him but he also knew she was still awake. Her body was too rigidly set for her to have fallen into sleep.

  “I’m going into the kitchen to get something to eat,” he said softly. “I’d love it if you joined me. Or I can bring you something to eat in bed.”

  She sniffed ever so lightly and his heart clenched all over again. Fuck it all. She was still crying.

  He turned and strode out of the bedroom, fear and remorse vying for equal airtime. He’d said he trusted her. Part of that was giving her space to work things out her own way. As long as she did it here in his apartment, in his space, in his bed, he could deal. He’d said he trusted her. It was time to show her he meant that.

  He made a sandwich, more to have something to do than because he was hungry. He remembered when Gabe had fucked up so badly with Mia, she’d told him that if he ever had a hope of getting her back that he’d have to crawl. And Gabe had crawled. He’d humbled himself in front of half of New York City in order to get Mia back.

  Jace hadn’t really gotten it at the time. He’d thought Gabe was being a bit too dramatic, but now he realized the desperation Gabe must have been feeling. Jace would crawl. He’d do whatever it took to get Bethany to stay.

  After hours of churning over every word he wanted to say, he went back into the bedroom only to find the lights out. She’d gotten up long enough to darken the room. When he climbed into bed, he could hear her soft breathing, but what pained him more was the fact that even in sleep, she softly hiccupped, a sign that she’d cried for quite some time.

  He turned into her, inhaling her sweet scent. He buried his face in her hair and curled his arm around her middle, anchoring her against his body.

  Sleep was a long time coming, and when it finally did, it was filled with haunting dreams of a world without Bethany.

  chapter thirty-eight

  Bethany came awake to soft
lips brushing over her shoulder. She winced when her eyes opened and pain instantly stabbed through her head. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. Her throat was scratchy and achy from the tears she’d shed the night before.

  “Baby, wake up for me, please.”

  Jace’s soft voice drifted over her ears and she closed her eyes again as a flood of pain rocketed through her all over again.

  “Bethany, I need you to look at me.”

  Grudgingly she turned halfway to her back so she could meet Jace’s gaze. He winced when he saw her face. She must really look bad based on his reaction.

  He stroked his fingers over her face and then he leaned in to kiss her.

  “Baby, I know what I did was wrong. It wasn’t fair to you or to Ash. I’ve made things right with Ash but I have to make them right with you.”

  He went silent a moment as if allowing her to digest his words. Then he continued on.

  “I have to go into the office this morning. Unless you want me to stay and talk now. Nothing is more important than you. But if you need more time, I’m going to go into the office, make a few calls, get caught up with Gabe and Ash, and then I’m coming home so we can work this out.”

  She nodded, her throat too raw to speak.

  “I want you to rest, take it easy today,” he said gently. “When I get home, we’ll talk. Then we’ll go get something to eat. Spend the evening together, just you and I.”

  “Okay,” she said hoarsely.

  She rolled back to her side as he moved away from the bed. And she closed her eyes again, drifting back into the dark void.

  Her thoughts were chaotic. She’d thought about the situation all night. Only in the hour before dawn had she been able to drift off fully.

  The problem was that there was nothing she could do to fix the issue between her and Jace. He either trusted her or he didn’t. There was no magic solution. Nothing she could do to change it. It was on him and if he didn’t trust her, nothing she did or said would ever change that fact.

  She had no doubt that he was truly regretful for the way things had gone down the prior evening. But that didn’t mean he trusted her, and it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen again.

  She listened as he quietly readied himself for work. When it was time for him to go, he came back over to the bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead. He lingered there a moment longer, as if he was reluctant to leave.

  A part of her didn’t want him to go. Wanted him to stay and hold her so she could pretend this issue didn’t exist between them. The other part wanted him to leave so she could have time to herself to sort through her mixed feelings.

  Finally he drew away after smoothing the hair from her face and forehead. Then his footsteps sounded and retreated from the bedroom until she could no longer hear him.

  Her eyes burned with more tears and she closed them tighter, determined not to give way to them again. She’d spent the entire night alternating between anger and deep sadness. She still wasn’t sure which was the clear winner. Her emotions were a mess lately. Between Jack and Jace she was on a roller coaster from hell.

  She dozed fitfully, checking the clock each time she awoke. She finally realized she was willing time to pass knowing that Jace would be home much earlier than usual.

  Even after all of that, she was eager to see him.

  She sighed, knowing full well that she’d forgive him and they’d move on. The question was whether Jace would truly make the effort to control his temper and hold his tongue in the future. Some might say she needed to develop a tougher skin, but to hell with that. No one deserved to be flayed alive because someone else was in a crappy mood. Shit happened to everyone. It was no excuse to take it out on others.

  Anger felt much better than the pathetic weariness she’d displayed the evening before. She could deal with anger. It made her feel stronger, less vulnerable. Despair and damn tears were for the birds.

  But there was also the fact that trust took time. Was she really being fair to Jace? He’d only known her such a short time and trust was earned. What had she really done to earn it yet?

  Calm settled over her. They could work this out. Trust wasn’t automatic. Sometimes it took months, even years to fully achieve. Nothing about her life or her past was exactly conducive to gaining instant faith. And Jace was trying. She knew that without a doubt.