Beautiful Sacrifice

by Jamie McGuire

He scanned my face and touched his thumb to my bottom lip. "I want you. Just you. Nothing else. I'm not just content with that, Falyn. You're not part of what I want. You're everything I want. Anything else is a bonus."

  I sat back against my chair, trying not to stare. His forearm tensed when he reached up to rub the back of his neck, and I had to cross my legs to control the ache between my thighs. It had been more than two weeks since I felt his skin against mine, and my body was letting me know about it.

  "What?" he asked, a coy grin stretching across his face.

  "Nothing," I said, looking away as I tried not to smile.

  Abby and Travis arrived. Travis held his wife's hand high in the air as her other hand held her bouquet. The hostess announced their arrival over the PA system, and everyone in Sails clapped and cheered. A rock ballad came over the speakers, and Travis pulled Abby out to dance. She looked absolutely beautiful, her elegant caramel waves nearly blending in with her skin that had already been bronzed by the Caribbean sun. The stark white of her dress only made her tan look even darker.

  I looked down at my arms, a sad shade of Colorado pale. Whatever time we had left, I committed right then and there to spend it in the sun.

  We ate, danced, and listened to the speeches from the best man and maid of honor. We laughed, everyone but me drank, and the men left the covered patio for a bit to smoke the cigars Jim had brought.

  Sometime after ten o'clock, Shepley's parents decided to turn in. Jim followed suit not long after.

  Eager to be alone, Travis lifted Abby into his arms. She waved her bouquet as he carried her into the night, toward building five. I thought about what would happen once Taylor and I reached our room, and my body screamed at me to make up an excuse for us to leave. I looked over at Taylor having so much fun with his brothers, and I ignored the overwhelming lust building inside of me.

  Thomas and Liis were the next to say their good-byes, leaving the middle-born Maddoxes and their cousin with their dates.

  An upbeat song came over the speakers, and Taylor pulled me onto the makeshift dance floor, which was only an area of the patio cleared of tables. For the dozenth time that evening, he spun me around, but then he tripped, and we stumbled to the floor. In the few seconds it took for us to fall, despite the many drinks he'd had, he reached out, making sure to hold me inches off the ground while his hip and shoulder banged against the concrete.

  "Oh!" his brothers said, all gathering around us.

  Shepley, Tyler, and Trenton worked together to help me up.

  "You okay?" Shepley asked.

  "Yes," I said, watching Taylor struggle to stand upright.

  "Are you okay?" Taylor asked me.

  "I didn't even hit the floor. Are you okay?"

  He nodded, his eyes unfocused. "I can't feel anything at the moment."

  Tyler patted his brother's shoulder, hard. "Attaboy."

  America shook her head, turning to me. "Want anything besides sparkling water? He's way ahead of you."

  "I can see that," I said, smiling when Taylor's brothers took turns pushing him back and forth.

  "Okay, okay," Shepley said. "We're all drunk. Quit fucking with one another before someone gets pissed, and a fight breaks out. I don't want to be kicked out of a hotel when we're out of the country."

  "This is US territory," Taylor said, weaving. "We're good."

  "See?" Ellison said, pointing at Taylor. "He's not too drunk. Partying may proceed."

  The boys left for the railing to take a smoke break, and America, Ellison, and Camille joined me at a table.

  America rested her arm on top of the back of a chair, looking exhausted.

  "You did good," Camille said.

  "You planned this?" I asked.

  "Every last detail," America said. "Abby wanted nothing to do with it. If I was going to get my dream best friend's wedding where I was the costar maid of honor, I was going to have to plan it myself. So, I did."

  "Impressive," I said.

  The pattering of rain prompted the servers to rush to lower the fabric sidewalls and move the tables to protect the guests. The boys didn't move, happily standing in the shower of the warm island rain.

  Camille jumped up and rushed to Trenton, hugging him. He twirled her around, and she squealed in delight, letting her head fall back while closing her eyes.

  A server approached the boys, offering a glass of water for them to extinguish their cigarettes, and they returned to us. Spatters of rain made translucent specks on the shoulders, chests, and sleeves of their white button-downs.

  Taylor sat beside me and lifted my hand to his mouth before kissing my knuckles. "I'm trying to be polite, but all I can think about is getting you back to the room."

  "We'll see them tomorrow. It's been a long day. I think they'll understand," I said, unable to even pretend I wanted to stay a second longer.

  Taylor stood, bringing me with him. "We're out!" he called.

  We walked in a not-so-straight line from Sails to the sidewalk leading back to our building. The waves crashed against the sand less than fifty yards from our path, but it was dark, and all I could see was the sprinkling of lights along the hills across the cove.

  Soon, voices could be heard between the sounds of restless water.

  "You act as if loving someone can just be flipped off like a light switch. We've had this conversation a dozen times. I want you. I'm with you."

  Taylor froze, and I ran into him from behind.

  "Sorry," Taylor whispered, but he wasn't being as quiet as he likely thought. "That's Tommy."

  "Shh," I said.

  "... missing her," Liis said, "wishing you were with her. And you want me to change everything I trust for that?"

  "This is an impossible situation," Thomas responded.

  I cringed, feeling guilt and empathy for them both. "C'mon," I whispered. "We shouldn't eavesdrop."

  Taylor held up a finger.

  "Your payback?" Liis cried. "You've made me believe all weekend that you were falling for me!"

  "I am! I have! Jesus Christ, Camille, how can I get that through your head?"

  "Oh, fuck," Taylor said. "That's not good."

  "Did he just call her Camille?" I asked, horrified.

  Taylor nodded, weaving as he tried to stay upright.

  "Goddamn it," Thomas said, his voice desperate. "I am so sorry."

  "Can we please go?" I asked, tugging on Taylor's arm.

  "I am so ... stupid," Liis said. The hurt in her voice could have carried all the way across the ocean.

  "Taylor," I hissed.

  "I wanna make sure he's okay."

  Just then, Thomas emerged from the beach, startled to see us standing there. His features turned severe.

  "Hey, man. You all right?" Taylor asked, using me to steady himself.

  Thomas's expression softened from anger to concern. "How much have you had to drink?"

  "A lot," I said.

  "Not that much," Taylor said at the same time.

  Thomas glanced at me and then leaned closer to his brother. "Remember what I said. Just sleep it off. You know how you get."

  Taylor waved him off, and Thomas patted his brother's shoulder.

  "Night." He looked at me. "Make sure he goes straight to bed. No shower. Don't even undress him. Just get him into bed, so he can pass out."

  I frowned. I'd seen Taylor drunk before. He had been wasted on New Year's Eve. I was the sad drunk. Taylor just liked to talk a lot--like, until sunrise. But I liked it. He was honest and shameless about his thoughts and feelings on everything. There was no filter, no holding back.

  "Falyn?" Thomas said in an authoritative voice.

  "I heard you," I said, unappreciative of the order. "C'mon, Taylor, let's go."

  Thomas passed us, and I guided Taylor up the never-ending staircase and into our room. He leaned on me to kick off his shoes and then peel off his socks.

  "Gross. I think I just need to throw that pair away. They're so sweaty that they probably
weigh five pounds apiece."

  "Yep," I said, "there's that honesty I love so much."

  Taylor looked up at me, something sparking in his eyes, but he looked away, attempting to unbutton his shirt.

  "Here, let me help," I said.

  He didn't make eye contact while I undressed him, but he couldn't take his eyes off of me while I took off my own clothes. I knelt down in front of him, but he stepped back.

  I let my hands slap down to my thighs. "What is going on with you?"

  "Nothing," he said, pulling me up to stand. He walked backward, leading me toward the bed.

  "Does it have something to do with what Thomas said?"

  He shook his head. "No."

  I leaned in to kiss him, sliding my hands around his backside. The bed was just behind him, and with one small push, Taylor was lying on his back on the mattress.

  I crawled on top of him, and his hands found their way to my hips. He groaned as I sucked on his bottom lip, and his erection formed beneath me as I kissed him.

  "Oh my God, this is all I thought about last week," he said.

  I sat up. "Not this week?"

  "You told me to think about not having kids this week, to really think about it, so I did."

  I lowered myself until my breasts were pressed against his warm chest. My mouth made a trail of kisses along his jawline to his earlobe, gently nibbling at the soft skin before pulling away with the slightest suction.

  He moaned, grabbing my jaw with both hands, forcing my mouth back to his. I positioned myself over him, but he released me and grabbed my hips, holding me at bay.

  "Baby," he said, panting.

  I waited, trying to predict what he might say.

  "I love you."

  "I love you, too," I said, bending down for another kiss.

  He sat up, and at the same time, he pushed me so that I was sitting as far away from him as possible while still being on his lap. He swallowed.

  "Taylor, what the hell is going on?"

  He blew out a controlled breath, his thoughts swimming in the pint of whiskey he'd consumed since dinner. "We should go to sleep."

  "What? Why?" I asked, my voice an octave higher.

  "Because I need to sleep this off. I shouldn't have had so much to drink."

  I shook my head, confused.

  Taylor rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't ... I don't want you to leave me."

  I hugged him. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

  "You promise?" he asked.

  I cocked my head.

  "Promise me, Falyn. Promise you'll stay."

  I shrugged, a bit amused. "Where else am I going to go?"

  He touched my face with that look in his eyes, as if he were studying every curve, every line. He sighed, his eyes glossing over. "I didn't know. I thought you ... I thought we were ... I was pissed at you. I just wanted to get my mind off of it for a night."

  I paused. "What night are we talking about?"

  "Last week. When I was in San Diego."

  I shrugged again. "So, you got drunk?"

  The worry that had been in his eyes all day, the dread, even some of the things he'd said now made sense.

  My lips parted as the truth set in.

  "Baby, I swear to God, I didn't know we were still together. That's not an excuse because I shouldn't have done it anyway."

  "What did you do?" I asked, scooting away from him and covering myself with the corner of the comforter. The question had two meanings.

  "I went to some dive bar with Thomas. I was upset, and I got as fucking plastered as I could. Thomas left, and I stayed."

  "You went home with someone."

  "I ... the bar was across the street from Thomas's place. She came back with me."

  "So, he knows," I said, rolling my eyes at my own words. "Of course he knows. He didn't want you to tell me."

  "He didn't believe you'd forgive me."

  "I won't."

  Taylor's mouth popped open, and then he moved toward me.

  I hopped off the bed, yanking the comforter until Taylor stood and I could take it with me. "I admit that what I did was shitty. I have no excuse. It was an awful way to make sure you knew what you were getting into. But you ..." I touched my forehead. "You said you were thinking about it. You were thinking about our future and whether you wanted to be with me despite the fact that I'm barren. And you go fuck someone? How exactly did that help your process?"

  He stood up, slipped a pair of shorts on, and took a step toward me.

  I held out my hand, palm out, and then pointed at him. "Don't touch me."

  His shoulders sagged. "Please don't hate me. I thought I was going to go nuts last week. I can't go through that again, Falyn. I can't fucking do it." His voice broke.

  I sat down on the bed, staring at nothing in front of me. "Well, I can't either. So, now what?"

  He sat next to me. "You can't what?"

  "Do this." I looked over at him. "I can't stay with you now. It's not fair for you to even ask."

  "You're right. It's not. But I don't give a fuck. I can't lose you again."

  "Thomas didn't want you to tell me, but you did anyway. Why?"

  "I was going to tell you. I had to before we--"

  "You didn't use anything?"

  "I can't remember," he said, ashamed.

  I made a disgusted face and then wiped away a tear that had escaped down my cheek.

  "You promised you'd stay," he said.

  "You promised you wouldn't."

  "I'm an idiot. That was a stupid thing to do. I admit it. But I didn't go to San Diego to cheat on you. Despite being a complete asshole and trying to distract myself with the first chick who showed me attention, I do love you."

  "We were both stupid."

  "You were trying to do the right thing. I didn't understand at first, but you were right. It would have been hard for me to make a decision to essentially break up with you if I decided I wanted kids."

  I stood up, and he startled.

  "What are you doing?" he said, panic in his voice.

  "Getting dressed. I think it's safe to say the moment has passed."

  I left him for the bathroom, dragging the comforter along with me. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, thankful he hadn't let me go down on him. He would have to get tested for STDs. Just when I'd thought the hard part was behind us, everything had become more complicated.

  I dried my face with a towel, and then the tears came. As I cried silently into the lush cloth, everything he'd said and done since I arrived along with the drunk text all made sense. He'd practically admitted it to me then. He had made a huge mistake, but until now, he was the only one who had lost trust. I was just as capable of breaking his heart, and I didn't need to sleep with someone else to do it.

  I returned, wearing one of Taylor's T-shirts as a nightgown, carrying the rolled up comforter in my arms. He was still sitting on the end of the bed, his head in his hands.

  "I'm going to stay," I said. "We have a lot to work out. But don't make me feel like I need to console you. When you're around me, you're going to have to suck it up."

  He nodded and pushed himself back until he was at the head of the bed. He watched me fan out the blanket, and then I turned down the covers on my side of the bed.

  "Can I hold you?" he asked.

  "No," I said simply, lying down and turning my back to him.

  I couldn't fall asleep. I heard every noise from his every breath and sigh and every movement he made. The air conditioner eventually kicked on as I stared at the cracks in the walls and then the ceiling. We had spent enough nights together that I knew he wasn't asleep, too, just by the way he breathed, but we lay there, not speaking, not touching, both of us feeling tortured.

  It seemed like I had just dozed off when the birds outside began to chirp and squawk. Taylor sucked in a deep breath and blew it out, signaling that he was still asleep.

  I crept out of bed, put on my swimsuit, cover-up, and hat, and I grabb
ed my sunglasses and phone before sneaking outside.

  "Oh. Hey," Travis said. "Are you going down to the beach?"

  I nodded. "You?"

  He shook his head. "Headed to Thomas's room before they leave. They have an early flight."

  "Oh. Okay. Well, maybe I'll see you later."

  "Yeah."

  Before I could take another step, Travis said, "Falyn? You make Taylor really happy. He didn't just tell me that the other night, but it's all over his face. Don't let any boneheaded thing he might pull get in the way of that."

  My stomach sank. "Does everyone know?"

  "Does everyone know what?" he asked.

  I winced. "Nothing. Congratulations." I passed him, trying not to run down the stairs.

  I was the only one on the long stairway and the first one on the beach. The front row of loungers was free, so I picked one in the middle and relaxed.

  Ten minutes later, another couple arrived. The sky changed gradually from black to dark blue to light blue, and then a spray of colors was cast across the sky, revealing the ocean and everything else the sunlight touched.

  I closed my eyes and listened to the waves and the birds, trying to drown out my thoughts. I breathed in the thick salty air, failing miserably at keeping my focus on the beauty surrounding me and not the ugly visions of Taylor's hands on the woman from California--his lips on hers, kissing and touching her the way he had done to me so many times before, how much she must have enjoyed herself because he was very, very good at those things.

  My phone buzzed, and I glanced at the display, swiping when I saw a message from Taylor.

  Is that you on the beach?

  I turned, quickly locating him on our balcony.

  Yes.

  Okay. I'll leave you alone. Just wanted to make sure you're okay.

  You don't have to.

  I don't have to what?

  Leave me alone.

  Within three minutes, Taylor was standing next to my lounger on the beach, wearing nothing but swimming trunks and sunglasses on his head. He sat down, still panting.

  "We have a lot to talk about," I said.

  He nodded. "I know sorry isn't enough. Nothing I could say is going to fix it, and I'm going fucking nuts trying to think of something--anything--to make it right."

  I faced forward, glad my oversized hat protected me from his stare. "You're right. But you're also not the only one who fucked up here. I recognize that."

  He lowered his head, propping his forehead with his hand. "I'm so fucking relieved you're being so levelheaded about this, but I gotta admit, Falyn"--he looked up at me--"it's freaking me out a little that you're this ... Zen."