1 To Have His Cake (and Eat It Too) ~ Mr. Darcy's Tale

by P. O. Dixon

  “Nor will I!” Lady Catherine chimed in. “You will do your duty and marry Anne. From your infancy, you were intended for each other. It was the favourite wish of your mother, as well as my own.” She directed her attention to her brother and continued, “Whilst in their cradles, we planned the union. Now, when the dearest wish of both sisters would be accomplished, you refuse to lend your support and insist upon their marriage.”

  “Catherine, you speak nonsense! Whomever Darcy marries must bear him children. Even you can see that Anne is fit for no such thing. Besides her poor health, she is long past her prime. Only a young lady of the ton will be suitable to bear the heir to Pemberley,” countered Lord Matlock.

  “This is not to be borne. I insist on being satisfied,” cried Lady Catherine.

  In the meantime, Lady Matlock stayed on the sidelines of the circular discussion, a silent observer. She wondered what had happened to Darcy. His demeanour was not at all as it had been on the day of the wedding. His physical appearance was lacking. He had lost weight, and he obviously had not taken very good care of himself. She cringed at the pressures placed upon Darcy to marry, though she realised that he needed the impetus. Left to his own devices, she had no doubt he would never marry, at least not someone of whom the family would approve.

  She was forced to consider what she had long suspected but could not bear to admit, even to herself. Darcy was in love. It was obvious to anyone who would see. He had fallen in love with someone he knew he could not have. There could be no doubt of the object of his affections. Try as he might in hiding it, his eyes had rested upon her when he thought no one was aware. His smiles and his conversations had been reserved for her. Lady Matlock shook her head as she considered that Miss Elizabeth Bennet, Georgiana’s paid companion, despite her beauty, her charms, and her standing as a gentleman’s daughter, could hardly be deemed an acceptable wife for Darcy and mistress of Pemberley. As much as she wished that Darcy might have been able to follow his heart, she understood that such a union would never be tolerated.

  ~ Chapter 13 ~

  Universally Acknowledged Truth

  Elizabeth felt disheartened by the manner of her separation from Darcy and her realisation that he did not love her enough to offer her more than protection. Every time she thought of his preposterous proposal, she recoiled. She comprehended how her scathing words might have hurt him, but she believed strongly that he deserved every last one of them. He had wounded her deeply, and she meant for him to know just how much.

  Nevertheless, Elizabeth was not formed for ill-humour. She determined to persevere. She had experienced so much turmoil over the past eighteen months. She clung to the belief that “this too shall pass.” As planned, she moved in with the Gardiners in Cheapside. With her savings over the past year and prudent investment by her uncle, she had amassed a small amount of money which provided a return that allowed her to pay her own personal expenses. At least she would not burden her family in that sense.

  One week after her return to the Gardiners’ home, Elizabeth was out shopping with her aunt near a fashionable part of London. She was startled to happen upon Mrs. Pearce, Georgiana’s former chaperon. After introducing the two women to one another, Elizabeth said, “Mrs. Pearce, it surprises me to see you in town. I thought you had returned to your home in Derbyshire.”

  “Oh no, my dear, I now live here. Mr. Darcy has made it possible for me to live in a very modest residence near Hanover Square, at no extra cost to myself, as recompense for my service as Lady Georgiana’s chaperon. It was always part of our agreement. He knew that I wished to live in town, which is one of the reasons he hired me in the first place. We both expected the job to last a short duration. Things worked out well for all parties concerned.” Mrs. Pearce went on to explain that, with the combination of her inheritance from her late husband’s estate and Mr. Darcy’s generosity, she would manage to live quite comfortably.

  Elizabeth smiled at the elderly woman as she continued to prattle on, extolling Darcy’s virtues. She said, “He is such a fine young gentleman, and I have known him all his life. He is so kind and generous to a fault. He is widely known for providing for those in his service as well as he can. He is just as his father was in that respect, the very best of masters.”

  Elizabeth cautiously asked, “How is Mr. Darcy?”

  “He is no longer in town. He returned to Pemberley. I dare say for the best, for he did not fare well during those last days here. He appears to have suffered a great loss beyond having given his dear sister away. I do hope his spirits recover now that he has returned to his beloved home. It broke my heart seeing him that way.”

  Once Elizabeth parted ways with Mrs. Pearce, she was anxious to return with her aunt to Gracechurch Street. She pondered the meaning of Mrs. Pearce’s words. Is Mr. Darcy as generous as she seems to suggest? Is it possible that his inherent generosity blinded him to his offence against me?

  Elizabeth filled her days with activities of one sort or another. She enjoyed spending time with her four younger cousins, and she eagerly attended the park each day with them, along with their nanny. Though the Gardiners’ style of living was comfortable, it was not affluent. Elizabeth did all she could in helping her aunt with the day-to-day activities of the household. She had no time to sit around idly and dwell on the past. It was only at night, when the warm embrace of sleep always managed to elude her, that she allowed herself to think of Darcy. As disenchanted as she felt during those moments, she knew she would never forget him.

  She often recalled their time together—a recollection fraught with conflicting emotions. The night in the library at Matlock House... captured in his tender embrace and the magic of their near-kiss. The day she stood much too close to him under the protective cover of the temple in Kent, their lips eager to unite... her mind telling her heart to beware. The feelings his nearness invoked throughout her entire being, mind, body, and soul. Would she ever experience such powerful feelings again? Therein existed the conflict. Had they kissed, where might it have led? Would they now be together? No doubt he had no intentions to let her go; would she have had the power to leave? More questions than answers, she confessed, and always with a single tear that travelled softly down her cheek.

  Such were her nights. She woke each morning with a sense of clarity. Elizabeth did not intend to suffer Darcy’s absence. She reckoned not only were their stations in life different, something that could be overcome should he manage to quash his pride, but it was also painfully obvious their goals in life differed. In fact, their goals were entirely contrary to one another’s, for she dearly wanted to marry someday and raise a family, and he vowed he would never marry. Elizabeth did not fully accept Darcy’s excuse for not marrying because he did not want to go against his family’s expectations. She figured she had spent enough time with the self-absorbed Mr. Darcy, to know better than that. Elizabeth suspected he was just using that as an excuse to do exactly as he pleased, that being to avoid marriage at all costs. Of course, she allowed that she could be wrong, but all the evidence before her supported her opinion. Such was her belief, and she would stick to it until proven otherwise.

  She often recalled, with a healthy dose of cynicism, the universally acknowledged truth that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Though quite distressing to admit, the tenet clearly did not apply to that particular man.

  ~ ~ ~

  After the first few weeks with the Gardiners, Elizabeth returned to Hertfordshire for an extended visit. Mary’s marriage to Mr. Collins and the family’s return to Longbourn had restored a modicum of their status in Hertfordshire. The neighbourhood’s righteous indignation over the hasty marriage finally subsided, and the good people of Meryton received her family once again.

  Happy news abounded for the Bennets as regarded both Jane and Kitty. Jane had agreed to marry a Mr. Thomas Eliot. Kitty planned to wed Mr. John Lovett, a clerk in her Uncle Phillips’s practice, the week after Jane’s nuptials.

>   Jane’s wedding was two weeks hence. Her intended, a local gentleman, was a widower with two young children. He owned a comfortable estate not ten miles from Longbourn. He had long admired Jane from the time they were both young, but had failed to make her an offer because his family forbade the match. Instead, he had married his family’s choice. He had never forgotten Jane. His young bride had died in a carriage accident just two years earlier. When Jane had returned home from Scotland, he had sought her out, courted her, and offered her his hand in marriage.

  Elizabeth and Jane shared a heartfelt tête-à-tête soon after Elizabeth’s arrival. While Elizabeth had concerns about Jane’s plans for her life, Jane was equally concerned about Elizabeth’s situation. She felt compelled to tell Jane everything that had happened upon her return to town in January. When she related Darcy’s offensive proposal, Jane was very sympathetic.

  “Clearly, he was not thinking rationally. If he believes himself to be in love, then his acts were a sign of his great desperation to keep you in his life. It is obvious his pride will not allow him to consider the honourable path. You did the right thing in refusing him. Perchance your letter will help him face the consequences of what he has done and encourage him to mend his ways.”

  “At the very least, I would wish that he understood the pain I felt in receiving such an offer,” Elizabeth confided.

  “Do you think you will ever be able to forgive his offences against you?” Jane asked as she lovingly placed her hand atop Elizabeth’s.

  “It is hard to say. I could more easily forgive him for his thoughtlessness and his pride, had he not wounded my sensibilities so wretchedly. As it stands, it is his abominable pride that will likely hamper any further association.”

  “But Lizzy, I know you plan to continue your friendship with Lady Georgiana. How shall you react when you see Mr. Darcy? You are aware it is only a matter of time. Will you be friends or indifferent acquaintances?”

  “Whatever we are to become, we could never be indifferent. I imagine that I will simply tolerate him, for everyone’s sake. And while we might put forth some efforts towards amiability with one another, I shall never truly esteem him as a friend without strong evidence of his contrition and willingness to amend his arrogant and selfish ways.”

  Endeavouring to end the conversation on Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth spoke to Jane about her betrothed. Elizabeth discerned the transformation wrought in Jane’s persona by their reduced circumstances, and it saddened her. Jane and she had vowed to marry for love. Now, she feared Jane might be settling for something far less. Elizabeth wondered if her life would soon come to that. She knew that if she were to move back to Hertfordshire to live with her family, her chances of meeting anyone would be appreciably diminished.

  “Lizzy, I believe I will be very happy with Mr. Eliot. I have always held him in high esteem, and he has offered me a beautiful home as well as a secure future. I have great affection for his two wonderful children, and he and I both look forward to adding to our family. Lizzy, we would like nothing more than for you to come to stay with us once we settle. Please say you will consider it.”

  “Jane, I promise I will visit you often. Moreover, I thank you for your kind offer, but I believe my life is in town. Who knows? Perhaps, I shall soon meet a nice, respectable man to share my life. Living in town will increase my prospects considerably, do you not agree?” Elizabeth responded part mockingly but with a smidgen of sincerity.

  ~ ~ ~

  Despite the joys of being reunited with her family, Elizabeth suffered a great deal of distress. When Mrs. Bennet was not busy undermining Mary’s place as the new mistress of Longbourn, she was criticising Elizabeth. Mrs. Bennet found it unforgivable that after living in Mr. Darcy’s home for over a year, Elizabeth had failed to use her feminine wiles to snatch him. Mrs. Bennet insisted that true to her predictions, Elizabeth, with all of her impertinence, had ended up an old maid and a burden to them all.

  What hurt Elizabeth the most about her mother’s passionate and demonstrative wailing was that despite her hatred of Darcy, it vexed her exceedingly that Elizabeth had not ensnared him. It was widely known that Mrs. Bennet had despised Darcy when he had resided at Netherfield. She had not hesitated to let her feelings be known. There was hardly a person in Hertfordshire who had been unaware of her indignation towards the proud, despicable man, as she had made plainly clear when she had boasted aloud of her Jane’s forthcoming nuptials with Mr. Bingley at the Netherfield ball. What did it matter that she hated the man, if he should have married Elizabeth and raised all of their lots in life? To Elizabeth’s mortification, her mother continued to that day to spill her vitriol against Darcy to anyone who cared to listen.

  Upon their arrival at Longbourn for the weddings of their nieces, it did not take long for the Gardiners to recognise Elizabeth’s anguish. Both grew disgusted with Mrs. Bennet’s constant badgering of Elizabeth over her perceived inadequacies and disappointment as a daughter. Conveniently forgetting the turmoil brought upon the family as a result of the behaviour of her youngest daughter, Lydia, Mrs. Bennet claimed that except for Elizabeth, all of her daughters had made her exceedingly proud by procuring such fine husbands.

  Both Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner believed strongly that they had to get Elizabeth away from Longbourn—the sooner, the better.

  ~ ~ ~

  Darcy did not need anyone to tell him that having Elizabeth in his life was meant to be temporary. Deep inside, he knew it as the truth. What he never truly had considered was how it would be once she was gone. He could not have imagined it would be completely miserable. When she left his home in London, he felt as though he had lost everything.

  Upon his return to Pemberley from the bedlam at Matlock, Darcy once again isolated himself. He cut himself off from everything and yet, he was utterly besieged, for all he did was think of Elizabeth. Every room was now linked implicitly to her. The breakfast room where most mornings, it was just the two of them. The drawing room where they spent evenings after dinner, the library where they sparred and debated for hours at a time, and the music room where Georgiana and she enjoyed performing a duet that they had practised all day for his delight. Once, he ventured into her apartment where many of her effects remained as she had left them before Christmas. He had never entered that room before, even as a child. Therein was the sheer essence of Elizabeth.

  He could no longer enter his stables without espying Bella and being drawn back to pleasant memories of Elizabeth. He had shown her all of his favourite spots around Pemberley. Now they all held precious memories. He had lost count of the many times he had come across her after she had ridden off to one of those spots on her own, despite his admonishment against her riding alone. Elizabeth, Darcy reflected, fearless, headstrong, independent, witty, intellectual, good-humoured, and kind-hearted… the best thing to have ever happened to me.

  To Darcy, Elizabeth was now a part of Pemberley; it meant nothing to him without her.

  One day he stood at the spot offering the panoramic view of his ancestral lands, the same spot he had shown Elizabeth when he initially brought her to his home. He recalled how marvellous it had felt when he shared it with her that first day. With the weight of Pemberley’s legacy upon his shoulders, he reflected upon his family’s past. How many marriages of convenience had taken place? How many were marriages of love? Surely, in the expanse of years gone by, from generation to generation, there were many courageous ancestors who defied the dictates of society... married outside their sphere... married for love. The walls of Pemberley had not come crashing down. Its legacy endured.

  He had been such a fool. He, who professed not to care for society. He, who was his own master, had foolishly lost the only woman he knew he would ever love, had loved for nearly two years. He had lost her adhering to the dictates of a society he scorned.

  Darcy realised that had he not been so prideful, he would not be so utterly and completely alone, with misery as his only company. Invariably, the thoughts in his mind kep
t returning to the same questions. Could Elizabeth have been in love with me? If so, have my actions destroyed that love? If she loved me once, might she love me again? Might I find her, court her, and win her heart once more?

  Having ascended from the depths of despair that emanated from his own self-imposed strictures, Darcy determined to start anew. He had enough of self-pitying and self-denial. He vowed to pursue the woman he loved, to ask for her forgiveness, and to seek a second chance.

  Georgiana was returning from her wedding tour soon. After a brief stay at Pemberley, Lord Harry and she would journey to their own home. Darcy surmised that given the close friendship between Georgiana and Elizabeth, it would only be a short amount of time before Elizabeth would be invited to Stafford for a visit. He would be there, as well. He prayed it would not be too late.

  ~ Chapter 14 ~

  His Greatest Wish

  The Gardiners had long-planned a trip for that summer. Their original plan was for a tour of the Lakes, but business concerns dictated an abbreviated trip, one that would take them only so far as Derbyshire. They intended to spend a week in Lambton, where Mrs. Gardiner had passed some of her youth. At first, they were to leave their young children in Mary’s care and collect them along with Elizabeth from Longbourn, upon their return to London. Thinking it was the best thing to take her away from her current environment, they invited Elizabeth to go with them, to separate her from the caustic put downs by Mrs. Bennet.

  Elizabeth was perplexed over what to do; stay at Longbourn and suffer her mother’s verbal abuse, or travel with her aunt and uncle to Derbyshire, where she would spend a week within a few miles of Mr. Darcy’s home. There was no doubt that if Jane still lived there, Elizabeth would have stayed at Longbourn. Alas, Jane was gone. Now, Longbourn seemed such a lonely place. Elizabeth decided it was better by far that she accompany her uncle and aunt on their trip.