Midget with a Chainsaw

by Derek Slaton

  “In your current state, I wouldn’t recommend that,” Baptiste replied.

  “So that do we do?” TnT cut in. “Just sit here and watch Rose become a vamp?”

  “There is only one other Ancient birth on record, the Garvin case that the Boss worked on.” The researcher leaned towards his computer, tapping his chin as he read. “The pregnancy lasted a week or so, but the woman didn’t survive. Best we could tell is that she never turned full vamp because the Ancient in that case was trying to create a hybrid.”

  “A hybrid?” The redhead asked.

  “Daywalker,” Baptiste corrected.

  “A daywalker?” TnT let out a deep whoosh of breath. “Boss, you faced off against one of those fuckers?”

  “Back in ‘86, my partner and I took on this Ancient that was successful in knocking up his target,” the Boss confirmed. “We finally tracked them down just after the kid was born, damn near ripped that poor girl in half. Probably had something to do with the vamp coming out like a six year old.”

  “They grow that fast?” Rose’s face went white as a sheet as she imagined the implications of something like that happening inside of her perfect body.

  “Oh yeah, rapid development to adulthood,” the Boss continued. “We were busy with the Ancient while the kid made a run for it. As good as we were, we still got our asses handed to us. The Ancient kept us busy long enough for his offspring to escape, then he just vanished.”

  “What happened to the kid?” TnT asked.

  “We tracked him for weeks across the midwest.” The Boss sighed. “He left a trail of destruction unlike anything we’ve ever seen. Probably helped that he didn’t need to sleep and could move freely at any time. We caught up to him at this little farm in Illinois, where he had turned a family into blood suckers. It was just like the Waltons, only more vicious.”

  “Were you able to kill him?” Rose asked.

  “We think so,” came the hesitant reply.

  “You think so?” The redhead’s voice rose a notch in incredulity.

  “Yeah, we stabbed and shot him with everything we had, but he was still coming at us,” the Boss explained. “WE got him out to the barn, stuck him with pitchforks to keep him somewhat contained. Finally we were able to get him into a wood chipper.”

  “Ha!” TnT fist pumped the air. “See? My wood chipper idea wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  “Sorry to rain on your parade, but his guts started re-materializing as we celebrated.” The Boss shook his head. “Craziest damn thing I ever saw, and coming from me that’s saying something. So we improvised. We scooped up his remains and fed them to some hogs the farmers had. To be extra safe we threw the hogs into the wood chipper one at a time, collected their remains separately, and sent each of them to a different corner of the globe. So in theory, he could pull himself back together, but it isn’t gonna be easy.”

  “That sounds like a nightmare and a half,” Rose said, voice tired.

  “Yes, it does,” Baptiste agreed.

  “But wait, if that’s their goal then why aren’t they out there picking up every woman they find?” TnT asked.

  “Well, the woman has to be incredibly strong.” The Boss gave Rose a pointed look, and she couldn’t help but straighten up a bit. “And the mating ritual can only be done once every few centuries due to an Ancient having to build up the strength and whatnot.”

  “Christ, no wonder he’s fucking pissed.” TnT let out a deep whoosh of breath. “Only being able to get off every few centuries? Yikes.”

  “So, where does that leave me?” Rose piped up, eager to get back on track.

  “My recommendation is that when we drop off the recruits, you hop on the chopper and come back to base,” Baptiste replied. “We’ll get you as far away from Kyran as possible, and with any luck in a couple of weeks the effects of his bite will wear off.”

  “Won’t that leave TnT short handed?” She asked worriedly. Regardless of the fact that he kept stealing glances at her nipples--dammit, it was cold in there!--she still didn’t want to leave the little asshole to face off against an unkillable vampire with nothing but four snot nosed recruits to back him up.

  “Girl, get out of here, I don’t want to be the reason you get knocked up,” he scoffed. “Well, I mean I do, just not in this way.” He winked at her, and she rolled her eyes.

  “You are one perverted little troll, you know that?” She shook her head.

  “That’s why you love me.” TnT grinned widely.

  “Don’t worry Rose, I’ve created something special to help TnT out,” Baptiste cut into their banter. “I’ve made a slight modification to his preferred weapon, and created something I’ve dubbed Big Jim. Also modified some boots to help you get to decapitation height.”

  “I said it before Baptiste,” TnT said as he held up a hand. “You are going to go far in this Agency.”

  “Okay, TnT, Rose,” the Boss declared regally with a clap of his hands. “I’m going to get the recruits geared up. Chopper will be landing at the track in three hours.”

  “We’ll be there, Boss.” The midget saluted his superior. The video call ended and he closed the laptop with a sigh.

  “Well, that was informative,” Rose said, and stretched her arms above her head. “Why don’t you get some sleep? We’ve got three hours to kill.”

  “I can think of a way to kill three hours, baby,” TnT waggled his eyebrows at her and she rolled her eyes again.

  “Don’t you mean three minutes?” She asked, crossing her legs.

  “Ouch, girl,” he put a hand to his chest in mock offense, and she couldn’t help but smile.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  They’d stealthed in, leaving TnT’s new muscle car far enough out that nobody would notice their approach. He knew that Nick and George weren’t a threat, but didn’t want to take any chances on letting anyone know they were there. This dirt track was pretty central, and if Kyran had tracked TnT’s arrival... well, there was a chance that they could be compromised.

  Rose scanned the dirt track, eyebrow raising at the giant ramp in the center. She couldn’t help but be amused by the type of entertainment these back woods hicks enjoyed. She sat back down behind the wall where they’d chosen as a vantage point.

  “How long until the chopper gets here?” She murmured.

  “Assuming Baptiste’s estimate is correct, just a couple of minutes,” TnT replied, glancing up at the night sky.

  “You think these recruits are going to be strong enough to help you take Kyran down?” She pursed her lips.

  “Yeah, they’ll be alright.” He shrugged, and couldn’t help the little swell of pride that the red haired bombshell was still worried about him. “Worst case scenario, they’ll be decoys while I get in there and do the dirty work.”

  “That doesn’t bode too well for them, does it?” She chuckled, thinking of Kerr’s first field mission where she essentially used him in the same way. Though the danger was definitely not as great as it would be for these new grunts.

  “Well, it’s either that or we let an Ancient vamp roam free.” TnT shrugged. “He may miss his window to be your baby daddy, but he could still build a fang army if he gets pissed.”

  “I know.” Rose sighed. “I just hate it when we have to sacrifice the newbies.” As if on cue, the sound of helicopter blades permeates the night air and they both look to the sky.

  “Sounds like they’re inbound,” TnT commented, and as soon as the words left his mouth, the revving of an engine joined the cacophony.

  “What the hell is that?” Rose demanded.

  “I don’t know…” the midget replied, though he had a sinking feeling he might.

  “Sounds like a car,” she hissed, and he poked his head up out of their hiding spot.

  “Oh, shit.” He pointed across the track where a bright green mustang revved away. Nick pulled a chain out from underneath the front of the car and attached it to the front bumper.

  “What in god’s name is that idiot
doing?” Rose asked, having poked her head up to see what was happening.

  “They’re the Badass Blackwells,” TnT said with a shake of his head. “And if they are going to do what I think they’re going to do, then there’s a good chance Kyran or one of his lackeys paid them a visit.”

  “Wait, what the hell are they going to do?”

  “You see that ramp?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Rose pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. Her companion shook his head just as Nick climbed up onto the trunk of the car. George popped the muscle car into gear and the engine screamed, tires spinning before finally grabbing the dirt and launching towards the ramp.

  The gorilla brother stood on the trunk like a surfer, somehow looking almost graceful despite his big boned stature. The gleeful grin on his face made it clear that he really loved doing stunts, and even more telling was the fact that he wasn’t wearing a helmet.

  TnT sighed. They’d been compromised, and it was too late to do anything about it.

  The car flew over the ramp at high speed, and when the chain pulled taught the front end snapped downwards, catapulting Nick off of the trunk. He spread his arms in an almost beautiful swan dive, and then smashed through the windshield of the chopper. As the Agents watched on in horror and awe, the helicopter spun out of control and crashed, skidding along the dirt. It stopped inches away from the crashed car, the tail blade still whirring.

  “Holy fuck, that was awesome.” TnT breathed, and Rose turned to him, eyebrows risen into her hairline. “Well, I mean it’s tragic and all, but come on. A fucking cartapult? Holy fuckballs, man.” Her incredulity melted into a glare and the midget put up his hands in surrender. “Okay, fine, come on. Let’s hope that the care package survived.”

  They hopped the track wall and jogged across the dirt. They slowed and readied their weapons as George kicked open the door of the Mustang, flopping out into the dirt with a whoop.

  “Goddamn did you see that?!” He cried, throwing his fists into the air. “You didn’t happen to get that on video, did you? Man that would have gotten us a billion YouTube hits! We’d be rich!”

  “Hey asshole, you just murdered five people,” Rose snapped, extending her baton with a snick.

  “Yeah, but did you see how we did it?!” George grinned, and slowly got to his feet. The redhead glared at him, looking like the devil herself with fire in her eyes.

  “Look, George, mister midget came back to play!” Nick cried happily as he climbed out of the wreckage. There was a substantial piece of glass jutting out of his forehead, but he didn’t seem to notice as he dropped to the dirt, landing on his massive feet.

  “That’s right Nicky, why don’t you go see if he wants to be tossed?” The lanky Blackwell asked, spreading his arms.

  “Ok, George!” His brother agreed, and made a beeline for TnT.

  “Guess I’ll take the big one,” the midget said, and ripped the cord of his signature weapon. It thrummed to life with steady ease, and TnT swung in a graceful arc as Nick burst into striking distance. The blade connected with the redneck’s elbow, and he cried out in pain as it went deep, hitting bone. He grasped the midget with his free hand and spun around twice, whipping his smaller body against the wreckage of the chopper.

  “Midget go wheeeee!” Nick screamed maniacally, laughing despite the chainsaw embedded in his arm.

  George reached Rose and smirked at the harmless looking baton in her hand. She smirked right back at his condescending look and swiped up with lightning speed to hit him in the face with it. As his hand flew to his nose, she ducked and smacked the back of his knees, and then leapt back up to catch him in the chin.

  “Bitch!” The lanky brother cried.

  TnT scrambled to his feet, looking desperately for a weapon, and settled on the chain that had snapped itself from the car during their stunt. It was about fifteen feet long, and he detached the hook that was still on the bumper and started to twirl it around like a lasso.

  George landed a vicious backhand to Rose’s face, and she reeled up with her leg to kick him square in the chest.

  “Ha ha, Mister Midget wants to play cowboy!” Nick clapped his hands with glee. “Okay, I play along!” He started a series of little sliding kicks, looking like a bull about to charge a matador. George launched himself at Rose once again, a flurry of fists, and she dodged his clumsy attempts, landing blow after blow with her baton. Clumsy or no, he was definitely resilient.

  Nick took off full speed directly for TnT, who loosed the chain at his enemy, the hook looping around a meaty leg. The midget ducked under the gorilla’s arms, and jerked hard on the chain, causing the big brother to go down on one knee. TnT leapt up onto his shoulders from behind, wrapping the chain around his neck and pulled it tight.

  George lunged for Rose again, arms pinwheeling wildly, and she ducked, shoving her head between his thighs. She grabbed the back of his knees and stood up, slamming him down on a spiked rotor poking out from the wreckage.

  He grunted in pain, sinking down the rotor sticking out of his chest, staring down at it with dejected disappointment. He looked to Nick, and his eyes grew wide and fearful as TnT tossed the free end of the chain into the still spinning rudder.

  Before Nick can even attempt to compute what is going on, the rudder jerks the chain, pulling him towards it. His head flips up into the air without its body, spraying his brother with a healthy amount of blood in his last stunt. The rest of his body gets tangled up in chain and rudder blade, and guts squeeze out all over the wreckage with a dull squelch.

  “You okay, babe?” TnT asked, striding to his chainsaw that had lodged itself in the dirt.

  “Just fine,” Rose replied wryly, “this asshole, on the other hand.” She motioned to George, who was still undead, a scowl on his face as he assessed his impalement.

  “You going to finish him off, or what?” TnT inquired.

  “Figured we’d ask him a few questions, first.” She shrugged, and he gave her a thumbs up. There was sudden movement in the wreckage and they both froze as a figure emerged from one of the broken windows.

  “Ah, this needledick,” TnT rolled his eyes at the sight of Robinson.

  “Recruit?” Rose asked.

  “Yeah, I may or may not have torn his ballsack in half,” the midget replied sheepishly.

  “Well well well, here we are again.” Robinson sneered and stretched, cracking his joints. It appeared he’d become a vampire, and his eyes lit up with glee at the sight of his old superior. “Gonna be fun teaching you a lesson, little man. I’m gonna show you why you shouldn’t fuck with someone like me.”

  The two agents locked eyes from their respective stances fifteen feet away from one another.

  “Cirque Du Soleil!” TnT yelled, and ran full speed towards her.

  “Hah, run away, little man! I’ll still catch you!” Robinson bellowed as Rose cupped her hands, allowing the midget to springboard off of them and into the air. She launched him as well as she could into the air and he stretched out his chainsaw arm, leading his aerodynamic flight.

  Robinson stared at the display with paralyzed amusement, and realized too late what was happening as the blade implanted itself directly into his skull.

  TnT landed on the handle, and tore up the cord with a throaty roar, the blade whirring to life. The midget rode his chainsaw all the way through his recruit, cutting him clean in half.

  He admired his handiwork and turned off the motor, slinging the bloody weapon over his shoulder to saunter back over to his partner.

  “We’re getting better at that.” He grinned.

  “I agree,” Rose replied, “but if we’re going to keep doing it we really need a catchier name. If we use that too many times we might get a cease and desist letter.”

  “I’ll see what I can come up with.” TnT winked.

  “In the meantime, I think we should ask our friend here where Kyran is hiding out.” She turned towards George and crossed her arms.
>
  “How the fuck should I know?” He threw his arms up in the air. “I don’t even know who that is.”

  “Tall, well dressed guy,” the midget said, “way out of place in this town.”

  “Oh, okay.” Their prisoner nodded. “He came in about an hour before you got here.”

  “No shit.” Rose rolled her eyes. “Now where is he?”

  “I don’t know, I haven’t left the track in weeks.” George shrugged, and then winced as it pulled at his giant chest wound.

  “See, what’s where you’re mistaken,” the redhead raised her foot, planting it on the vampire’s stomach, casually leaning on it. He groaned as he sunk further down the rotor, tearing his chest open even further. “When a new vamp is turned, they have a kind of sixth sense about where the nest is. Like a vamp GPS.”