Reckless

by Stella Rhys

  Her voice was soft, almost sleepy. Combined with the way she ran her thumb over the back of my hand, it kind of made me feel that way too. Tired and relaxed as I nodded in reply.

  “She never wanted me.”

  AJ was silent for a little, and I could feel her gaze on me as I stared ahead at the driver in front of me, the traffic. The radio was on, but whether or not it was, I didn’t really think about the fact that some stranger was here, potentially listening to our conversation. I didn’t think he was, but AJ lowered her voice to a whisper nonetheless.

  “She never wanted to get pregnant?” she asked. I shook my head.

  “She was never pregnant with me. I didn’t meet her till I was nine.”

  AJ froze next to me as something strange happened in my lungs. It felt like they filled with air.

  I wasn’t sure how many seconds passed before I turned to look at AJ, but I knew she was still wearing the same facial expression as that first second she processed my words, because it was still paralyzed on something blank. Stunned. The only movement came in the shock flickering in her eyes, like little fish darting under a frozen lake.

  Her mouth opened and shut without producing any words, and after awhile, she just nodded and squeezed my hand, deciding to wait till we were alone. Just the two of us.

  And by the time we were home, she had shifted for me. The way she did as my assistant, she processed the information, no matter how shocking, and went straight to problem-solving. In this case, problem-solving meant being calm and just staying near me, gauging how I felt, and not rushing me. Just letting me talk once I found the words.

  I knew I was going to talk about this tonight, but I’d underestimated the amount of time it’d take for me to feel ready.

  Upon getting home, we’d hung out in the kitchen first. Hydrated, talked about the party. Kissed.

  She let my hands wander again, examining every inch of her dress like I’d wanted to, and shaking my head at goddamn good she looked.

  When I suggested we change into more comfortable clothing, she gave me a knowing smirk but an innocent, “Sure,” and as I followed her upstairs to my bedroom, I watched her slowly undress, till she was walking ass naked down my hall, so fucking sexy and at the same time, adorably clueless as to where any of my light switches were.

  I let it stay dark as I watched her climb onto my bed, stretching out that perfect, moonlit body of hers on my sheets, writhing a little bit and getting me fully hard by the time I climbed on top of her.

  I let the weight of my cock fall between her thighs as I kissed her, and in the black of the night, I let myself simply feel what she did to me. The way she put out the fire in my veins with just the sweet taste of her lips, and the way she melted me at her touch with just her delicate hand wrapped around my base, gently guiding me between her legs.

  I never thought I could handle fucking this woman slowly. Taking my time. But when I realized slow strokes brought different sounds out of her, I had all the motivation I needed.

  Because fuck me, I loved every one of those perfect goddamn sounds.

  The little moans that trickled from her lips and stretched on and on with content. Those feathery soft yet sharp breaths of pleasure that sliced through the air. It was that much more torturous to soak it all in as I moved languidly inside her, rolling my hips, savoring every inch of tightness as I pushed into her wet heat. It was like everything was in slow-motion. Magnified.

  I couldn’t quite see the face she was making as she whimpered for more, and I couldn’t see the way her breasts were bouncing against my lips before I caught her nipple in my mouth, but I could imagine based on what I knew of her in my mind, and thinking of all of her perfection as I sank my cock balls-deep inside her was enough to get me high. Drunk off every memory I’d quietly kept of her since day one. Every smile, every laugh. Every sound of her voice. When she was pissed at me, reluctant to laugh. When she was happy, triumphant. Delirious with pleasure.

  Five years later, I had tens of thousands of memories of her tucked away for safekeeping, and they all filtered through my mind now as I felt her trembling underneath me, desperately grasping at me the way she did when she was about to come.

  I loved this feeling. Knowing she needed me. Couldn’t get close enough to me.

  “I love you so fucking much, AJ.”

  I didn’t know those words were going to come out. They just happened, but I didn’t think twice about them. I said it again and again as she gasped and moaned through her climax, crying out my name and taking me with her over the edge.

  My dick jerked and pulsed inside her as I filled her and as I collapsed against her, my mouth buried in her neck, I heard her say it back, exhaling the words.

  “I love you.”

  Three words I never knew I needed from her.

  But now that I’d heard them, I knew I was never going to settle for living without them.

  33

  ADAM

  I’d passed out with her in my arms, but somewhere around 4AM, I’d gotten up.

  It wasn’t unusual. Sometimes, this was just the hour that I started my day.

  But today, I didn’t have the mind to get to work. I didn’t need to anyway. Knox was signed and at this particular moment, my clients were happy, all of them scattered between Florida and Arizona, set to start their first games of Spring Training this week.

  So instead of checking my emails or going on my computer, I went out to the deck, stretching out on the chaise by the pool, and just staring out at the stillness of the water.

  I’d only missed AJ for about ten minutes before I heard the sound of the sliding door pushing open, followed shortly after by her footsteps.

  I smiled as she simply assumed her rightful place on me, climbing on top of me and resting her head on my chest. She was wearing one of my hoodies and literally nothing else underneath, which easily had my dick stirring again, but as soon as her head hit my chest, she was back asleep, breathing softly and making me wonder what the fuck my life was like before she came into it.

  It wasn’t that long ago, but it was a different world.

  Hell, just three weeks ago was a different world.

  Three weeks ago, I never touched her like this. Never felt her this close. And now that I had, I knew there was no going back.

  Thank God for that weekend in Palm Beach.

  It was one of the last thoughts that drifted into my mind before I dozed off myself, waking what I guessed was two hours later, because the sky was no longer black but gold streaked with a fiery, almost neon orange.

  We didn’t move, and there were no words spoken to announce that we were awake. We just knew. And when she said, “Tell me about her,” I knew who she meant.

  My mom.

  My actual mom. The one I loved.

  “She met my dad when she was nineteen. But she lied and said she was twenty-three because he was twenty-five and single and he was just in LA for the weekend to visit friends. They were a one-time thing and they were from ‘different worlds’ is what my mom said.”

  “Different worlds,” she repeated. “How so?”

  “He was from a good family,” I said, repeating the version of Dad I was given from my mom. “Educated even beyond college. He was just a guy enjoying his weekend before he went back to his real world, which was living in Jersey. Working finance in Manhattan. Saving up to buy a house so his dog could have a bigger backyard.” I managed a laugh when I pictured my dad at this age. Still pretty much the same guy, but with so many fewer concerns in life that it made my chest kind of twist a little. “He was just a nice stranger she got the chance to meet. And the fact that she got pregnant didn’t change that. That’s at least what she felt.”

  “So she never told your dad?”

  “Not for awhile. I was her son, her responsibility, so she fought to keep me fed and happy and pretty impressively clueless to the fact that we didn’t have a permanent home, and living the way we did wasn’t actually a fun adventure.”
>
  I heard AJ’s lips part a little as the next realization hit. That I hadn’t always lived that stereotypically charmed life with the big house, the pool. Captain of the basketball team who drove a Range Rover to school.

  I had the good life you saw on TV, but it wasn’t the one I was born into.

  By the time my mom had met my dad, she’d already been struggling with homelessness. She’d been kicked out of her home as a teen, but she made things work by often crashing with friends, sleeping in her car. While she had one at least. From what I recalled, she couldn’t afford to keep it once I was born.

  “She didn’t want to disrupt my dad’s life, and she’d never planned to tell him. But then it became a matter of keeping us alive,” I said. “She was running on fumes every day. Trying to earn and save and show up to all three of her jobs on time while constantly getting sick, having no car, no home. No reliable childcare for her kids.”

  AJ stilled and I could practically hear the first thought that popped into her mind. Did I hear right?

  When she looked up at me, I could see it was the question flickering in her big, sun-lit eyes. But she simply looked at me, as if she didn’t want to ask.

  Swallowing the knot in my throat, I nodded.

  “My little brother, Cole,” I said. “He’s three years younger. He had a different dad. One who was just as down and out as my mom, so… while I got rescued into this new life and big house…” I cleared my throat, feeling my vocal chords tighten up as I thought about the things they went through directly after I was shipped off to Jersey. “He stayed with her when she was struggling. Harder than she ever had.”

  I didn’t know the exact details, but I knew there was an incident at a homeless shelter. And I knew right after that, there was a boyfriend. Someone who abused my mom enough that there was law enforcement involved. Restraining orders and arrests.

  I wanted to know specifics. But to this day, I couldn’t get them.

  “Was there a—” AJ cut herself off abruptly, shaking her head.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I… I was going to ask if there was an option for your dad to take Cole too, but I realized…”

  I nodded since she had the right thought. “Jeannie didn’t even want me. She wasn’t going to let my dad take Cole,” I said, swallowing again at the knot. But it didn’t go down, because suddenly I was remembering the day I left.

  Cole was six and I was nine, and I’d pretty much kicked and screamed till the minute my dad touched down at LAX and called my mom to let her know he was on the way to her friend’s house.

  We had been staying in the garage, but to meet my dad, we’d sat and waited in the living room, and since I realized it was really happening, I got my shit together fast and told Cole everything Mom told me to tell him. While he sat on the couch, I sat on the floor in front of him and told him this would make things easier for Mom for a little. But I would be back, and in the meantime, he’d get to have all my things. He’d get my toys, my sleeping bag, my portion of French toast at breakfast. I would call him every day too, to tell him about my adventures on the other side of the country, and to hear all about how his day went.

  I still remembered his eyelashes when I told him.

  The kid had the most ridiculously long, thick eyelashes that I used to make fun of him for, and I still remembered the almost comically big teardrops clinging to them that day when he nodded, trying to be brave as he accepted that he was the new keeper of my most cherished toys—a red car and a plastic ninja.

  It was almost a fond memory, because I was still his big brother that day.

  I was still his hero who he adored so much he’d forced himself to overcome his tears and shyness to meet my dad. To say hello, introduce himself and even sit in his nice car for a little, where we had our last good conversation. The last one where we felt like brothers.

  And the last one before I met Jeannie.

  “That explains… a lot,” AJ murmured. She had my hand in both of hers now, squeezing it hard. “You were just a little boy,” she said softly, her neck still craned to look up at me. “It wasn’t even your choice to go, and she pinned all her blame on you.”

  “Yeah.”

  It had been a hell of a jump.

  After leaving my mom and Cole, I’d spent another day in Cali with my dad. He took me to Disneyland, bought some sort of pass where we skipped all the lines and got me my own churros and beignets and all kinds of food I’d never had before, let alone all to myself.

  I was basically sugar-blitzed out of my nine-year-old skull when I got to Jersey. Still so mind-blown by my Disney adventures that I hadn’t processed that I really didn’t have Mom or Cole anymore.

  But the realization hit fast when I met my new mom.

  From day one, it was bad.

  “I felt the tension literally the second I stepped into that house. It was like she possessed this chill,” I said, feeling almost cold at the memory. It had been like walking into a horror movie. I still remembered seeing her standing at the kitchen island, her hands wrapped around a mug of tea, silent when she first laid eyes on me. “She was just so… different than my mom. My mom was free-spirited. She smiled a lot and when she laughed, she laughed with her whole face. But this new mom was quiet and so measured and just… stiff. She looked at me like I was evil. She had a disapproving look for everything I did, every move I made around the house. If I touched something, she’d wrinkle her nose and wipe it clean. I scratched my head once and she told my dad to get me checked for lice and anything else I caught from the shelters.”

  AJ’s jaw dropped.

  “What… a fucking asshole,” she hissed, so floored and completely livid I couldn’t help but laugh a little, which was nice, given the topic.

  “Yeah. Meanwhile, I had no idea I’d ever lived in a shelter. Or that that was a bad thing.”

  She frowned. “You didn’t know anything in your life was bad until someone told you,” she said, sounding so sad I squeezed her hand back. She was quiet for a little, still frowning to herself as her mind visibly worked. “So she never got better. She just had Holland to make up for how much she resented having to take you in.”

  “Yeah. Made sure that was her perfect baby. Her ‘real’ baby.”

  “She did not actually say that.”

  “When I was younger, yeah, but by the time Holland was older, she stopped. The only thing worse than having to take me in were people knowing her son was a homeless kid. We moved to a new town and a bigger house before Holland was born.”

  “Did you keep in touch with your mom and Cole?” she asked.

  “My mom, yeah,” I said, feeling her wilt a little against my chest.

  “But not Cole.”

  I shook my head. “I wanted to. But he wasn’t coming to the phone as much after awhile. After things got harder for them and I wasn’t there for it, he just got distant. And resentful. He knew what my new house looked like. How big it was. He thought I was just living it up over there, and he didn’t get why we couldn’t all live there together. All he wanted to ask when I called was if I was coming back yet. He didn’t get that I had to wait for our mom to get on her feet. To save up some more and get an apartment. He thought I just liked my new life better.”

  “But he understood better once he got older, right?” AJ asked.

  “I think so. But it didn’t really matter. I wasn’t really relevant to his life anymore. I was just the lucky one who got to get out while he lived a hard life where I know…”

  I trailed off, and the time that elapsed after the first half of my sentence felt like forever. I looked out at the colors of the sunset shimmering on the pool. At the changing sky. I felt AJ nestle closer into me and whisper, “You know it’s not your fault.”

  I nodded, and in my heart, I knew it wasn’t. But I still didn’t agree.

  “I know he saw things and went through things that he shouldn’t have,” I finally finished. “He used to be the little brother I took care of a
nd suddenly he had to grow up really fast by himself. He was in eighth grade when he had to fight off grown men who hurt my mom,” I said, clearing my throat, because my words were choked as I tried to imagine Cole at that age based on the school pictures Mom sent. He didn’t look like someone who could fight off a grown man. But apparently he was. Because the way I did before I left, he looked out for Mom. Made it his job to protect her. “Wherever they were, he slept on floors to let my mom have the couch or the bed. In the meantime, I was sleeping in the pool house, my bedroom, my girlfriend’s house. My friends’ giant-ass houses.”

  “But it’s not like you liked your life in Jersey,” AJ argued gently. “Jeannie made your life hell since you were a child. I’d act out too if my house never felt like a home,” she defended me, sounding so hurt I rubbed my hand up and down back. “You were just waiting till your mom got back on her feet.”

  I nodded, but I didn’t answer for a little while, just staring out at the deepening warmth of the sky.

  “She finally got an apartment when I was sixteen,” I said. I felt her tilt her head up to look at me, but I couldn’t return her gaze. “I was on a nationally ranked basketball team. I had friends and a life. I’d waited for so long, but now Cole hated me, and my coaches were talking about which college I should go to. I think it was just a bad week. Or month. Cameraphones had just gotten really good, so I talked to my mom and my dad and I had got the best ones there were and sent them to Cali. Figured maybe if Cole didn’t want to talk to me directly, he’d be down to record videos here and there. Just send or whatever. Mom was hopeful and said she’d talk to him. So I spent a whole week recording all these videos for Cole. Told him all these stories I’d always wanted to tell him. All the feelings I had as a kid when I left. Pretty much just poured my heart out and figured he might get it now that he was thirteen. But I texted the videos and he never replied, and a few weeks later, Mom asked if I wanted to move into their apartment and share a room with Cole, and I just said no. It was the moment I’d been waiting for since the day I left LA as a kid, and I rejected it.”