Crushed (Collided Book 2)

by Portia Moore

  “So private proposal, party after,” Alex says with a smile and arched brow. “Sounds like a plan I can work with.” He gives me a wink that causes butterflies.

  The dinner is incredible. There’s wine to go around, and by the time the last plates are swept away, I’m feeling warm and slightly fuzzy, full of good food and wine and happiness. Melissa is glowing, sitting next to Greg, and he looks as if he can’t believe he pulled it all off.

  To be honest, I can’t believe it either.

  There’s space for dancing, and a few couples make their way out as the band picks up. Alex takes my hand and leads me out. I go with him, savoring the feel of his strong arms sliding around my waist as we sway in place, moving to the music.

  “I kind of like dancing with you,” he murmurs, looking down at me. His hand presses against the small of my back, pulling me closer to him, and I breathe in at the sensation of his hard body against mine. My skin flushes warm with heat and wine and the closeness of him, and he smiles down at me knowingly. That makes me blush even more. I love how intimately he knows me, how close we are. I’ve never had that with anyone. I’ve never trusted anyone enough to let them get that close.

  “You’re the only guy I’ve ever dated who’s been a good dancer.” I grin up at him. “You know what they say about guys who know how to dance.” He says teasingly and I feel his hand creep a little lower from my back to my ass.

  “What?” He raises an eyebrow with a playful grin. “What do they say?”

  I bite my lower lip. “We can discuss it tonight,” I reply with a seductive smile.

  “Discuss? I’m more of a hands-on learner.” He moves his hips against mine, and a shiver runs through my body.

  “I’m a very good teacher,” I whisper, and tilt my chin up. He bends down and kisses me softly, still moving with me as we sway to the music. I close my eyes, breathing him in. I have never been this happy, this content with anyone. His presence is calming. When I’m with Alex, I can really see forever with him. I’m not afraid of him seeing who I really am—the scared little girl who is afraid of being abandoned—because I know he never would. I feel how much he loves me and it’s with no agenda, no contention, no stipulations.

  “I’ve decided to talk to my dad,” I say quietly when the kiss is over. “I’m going to talk to Melissa about it tomorrow. My mom already knows. I feel like it’s something I need to do. I can’t just pretend like he doesn’t exist, knowing he’s out there,” I whisper, not hiding my pain.

  Alex nods gravely. “Whatever you want to do babe, I’m with you.” He looks down at me with a serious look on his face. “I’ll always be here for you, Madison. Through anything.”

  The way he looks at me, is like he means it, and the way I feel in this moment is that we could get through it. I’ve never wanted to tell him the truth so badly before this moment. I want to tell him how much I love him and put the truth out there, to test our love, but I can’t take the chance of it failing. I can’t risk it. Not tonight, of all nights. I can’t risk losing him, no matter how many times he assures me that he’ll stay through anything. Because I don’t think he can fathom what it is that I’m hiding. And he can’t promise something he can’t imagine.

  I give Melissa a hug before we all head out, squeezing her tight. “I’m so happy for you and Greg,” I tell her. “Seriously, I am.”

  “Thank you Maddy.” She takes my hands in hers. “Is everything okay with you and Mom? You seemed kind of tense around each other tonight.”

  “Everything’s fine,” I assure her quickly. “Can you meet us for breakfast tomorrow morning, though? She and I are meeting up tomorrow before I go back to New York.”

  “Of course. Thank you for coming Sis, I know you and Greg have had your problems...” she says genuinely and I cut her off with a frown

  “There is absolutely nothing that would have kept me from being here,” I inform her before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  She glances towards Alex, and then back at me. “I really like him, Madison,” she says, looking at me steadily. “He came out here for my proposal, for goodness’ sake, to be with you, for you. That’s really saying something.” She squeezes both my hands in what I can only describe as a good-natured warning tone.

  “Have you told him yet?” she asks quietly pulling me aside from the other guests.

  I shake my head, biting my lip hard, trying to contain my guilt. “I-I changed my mind,” I say reluctantly, knowing I need to tell her. “I’m not going to say anything to him. Mel, I can’t. There’s almost no way our relationship can make it through this, and I’m not going to let it destroy us—it would destroy everything! His relationship with his dad, especially now that they’re just getting back on track. Tiffany’s wedding…I can’t do it. If it stays a secret, no one gets hurt. Why is it such a big deal, anyway? I had no idea, not when I was with Jackson…my relationship with him was over a long time ago. I’m not doing anything wrong by being with Alex.” These are all arguments that I’ve repeated over and over in my head, convincing myself of the right path, and there’s something reassuring about saying it out loud to Melissa.

  “Oh Madison,” she says, almost distraught, but her face remains as neutral as it can be I guess. “I don’t like the idea of lying…” she says quietly and I brace myself for her disappointment, but to my surprise, it doesn’t come. “But I understand,” she continues. “I can see how much Alex loves you. I wouldn’t want to give that up either. I hope you can move past it.” We both look back at Alex talking to my mom and a great uncle I haven’t seen in months. Greg really did get everyone here.

  I can’t help but think how much I hope to move past everything too.

  10

  I wake up early the next morning and see it’s not even 5 a.m. I don’t have to meet Mel and Mom until 11 but I can’t sleep. My pulse is gradually starting to race more and more as I think about what I know about my dad, and what my mom might tell me.

  I look over at Alex; he looks so peaceful that I don’t want to wake him. He’s probably exhausted because he flew here only two hours before the dinner after setting up for the event he had, and he’s working tonight once we get back to New York. I kiss him gently on the lips and get out of bed.

  Alyssa is still asleep so I head into the living room and turn on the television but I don’t pay attention to the images on the screen. My thoughts are too loud. I can’t stop thinking about how close he was to us my entire childhood…my whole life. I always imagined him living in a country far away, or sometimes that he was dead. That was a better alternative than him being so close and just not giving a shit about the family he left. I feel anger starting to suffocate my heart, and the tension grows in my head like how it’s been since I found out who he was and how close he’s been. I refuse to hold it in any longer.

  I go back into the bedroom, being careful not to wake Alex, throw on a t-shirt and leggings, and grab the keys. Alex rented a car and I’m glad because I don’t want to deal with an Uber driver or anyone else right now.

  I slide into the seat of the silver Chrysler and before I know it, I’m putting the address I found for my dad into my GPS. I know I shouldn’t do this. I was supposed to wait to talk to my mom and to tell Mel, but my heart is hammering in my chest and I feel as if I’ll explode if I don’t do something. I’m just going to drive by his house, that’s all.

  The drive takes me out of downtown Chicago, into the suburbs. Not the sketchy suburbs on the edge of town, either, but an area where the houses get progressively nicer and nicer as I drive. I pull into a spot across the street from the house I now know is his—a beautiful two-story brick with white shutters, a small grassy lawn, and a porch with flowers surrounding it. I see the door open and my throat closes over, my heart pounding with nervousness as I see a handsome, late middle-aged man walk out with a girl maybe about sixteen.

  It’s him. Robert James.

  He looks like any other suburban dad, dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt wit
hout a tie, his hair thick and curly but with hints of grey through it. He looks younger than I expected, even after seeing his pictures, and he looks happy.

  They get into a shiny red SUV, and this should be the end of it. I did what I said. I should go back to the apartment, grab some coffee on the way as an excuse, and get ready to meet my mom and Melissa for breakfast to talk over this rationally with levelheaded adults. But that’s not me. I’m here and I’m not going to be my normally irrational self. I just want to see where he’s going. Instead of pulling out after them, and driving back the way I came, I am following them down the winding streets until the SUV stops in front of a high school, and the girl gets out. My sister.

  I’ve seen enough and even I can admit this is weird. The small sane part of me is telling me to stop, but I can’t. I want to see more—where he works, what he does, what he’s going to eat. It’s stupid, insane really, but none of that stops me. I keep driving, following the red car, for about a half hour until it stops at a manufacturing plant I vaguely recognize. He gets out and I pull in to a spot a few yards away, not wanting him to see me. I can’t breathe as I watch him get out of the car, pick up a lanyard with a door badge, and put it around his neck.

  I watch him until he disappears into the main building. I lean back against the seat…I might be about to have a panic attack.

  This is my dad. A handsome, normal, middle-class guy with a family whose kids go to public school, he has a job at some sort of factory, drives a lame car, works 9 to 5, and then goes home at night. What is so different about this life that he left us for it? What kind of man leaves his family to go and have an average life somewhere else? I could have understood, I guess, if I’d found out that he lived in a mansion, that his wife was a supermodel, that he worked for some huge company or lived somewhere warm and exotic and carefree. If his life had been drastically elevated by leaving us behind. It wouldn’t have hurt less, but it would have made sense.

  But how is this any different from what he had with us, and my mother? I close my eyes, trying to swallow back the huge lump in my throat, trying to calm myself down. I sit, turning it all over and over in my head, from the night he left all the way through the years of never hearing from him, all the way until now. I try to picture his life at home, what his wife and daughters must be like, what he’s doing now at work, and occasionally I open my eyes and look at the door, half hoping that he’ll come outside and see me, and I’ll have no choice but to talk to him here, now, and get the answers that seem more and more desperately needed by the moment.

  But it doesn’t happen. I finally look at my phone, and my heart drops into my stomach. I’ve spent hours here somehow, lost in my panic and my thoughts, and I have six missed calls from Alex, and more from my mom and Melissa.

  I throw the car into gear, driving back to the apartment as fast as I possibly can without getting a ticket or getting into an accident. When I open the door Alex jumps up from the couch, full of panic. I feel a wave of guilt, and it’s almost refreshing to feel guilty about something other than the secret of Jackson for a change.

  “Madison, where the hell have you been?” he demands, his voice deep but anxious. “I’ve called and texted you so many times. Alyssa and I were frantic, and your mom and Melissa didn’t know where you were either. I thought you were supposed to meet them this morning.”

  I want to lie. For a moment I can’t imagine admitting the truth, that I was gone all day stalking my dad, that I spent hours following him and obsessing over him and his new family. But there’s already one secret between us; I don’t want there to be any more. I can’t let this become a habit.

  “I was just going to go for a drive and clear my head, but before I knew it I was heading to my dad’s house,” I admit quietly, not able to look Alex in the eye. “And then he came out with his daughter, and I couldn’t help it…I followed him to school, where he dropped her off, and then to his work, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about everything—about why he left, about how normal their life is, how it could possibly be better than what he had with us, and before I knew it all this time had passed, and I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for you to worry…” I’m crying now, heavy tears, and I can’t stop them.

  “Oh, babe.” Alex crosses the room and takes me in his arms, holding me close. He presses his face to my hair, kissing the top of my head. “I understand. Well…I don’t understand, but I get why you did it.” He pulls back a little, looking down at me. “Do you want me to stay? If you’re going to go see him, and want me to stay and go with you, I will. If it will help to have the support. Or I can stay here at the hotel, and be here when you get back.”

  I stare up at him, hardly able to believe what he’s offering for a moment. “Yes,” I whisper gratefully. “That would help so much, having you here. You don’t have to, though…if it’s too much, I know it’s really dramatic and a lot to ask…”

  “It’s not,” Alex says. “We’re in this together. What affects you affects me.”

  “I should go talk to Melissa,” I say quietly. “She’s probably back home by now.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?’

  “No, I’ll be fine. This I have to do alone.”

  He presses another kiss to the top of my head, holding me for a few moments in his strong, sculpted arms. I don’t want to leave them. “Okay. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  I send Melissa a quick text to let her know I’m on my way over, and don’t look at my phone again, knowing exactly what her response is going to be. Her face when she opens the door is exactly what I expected as well, glowering at me as she lets me in wordlessly and then faces me, her arms crossed over her chest. Her new engagement ring sparkles in the sunlight, and I feel bad for upsetting her so soon.

  “What’s going on, Madison?” she demands. “We waited at the restaurant for you for hours! Mom was so worried, she barely even ate once we ordered. We couldn’t get ahold of you. I played it off like maybe you and Alex ‘lost track of time’.” She holds her hands up in air quotes as she speaks, glaring at me. “I don’t know if she bought it or not, but what the hell happened? Did you guys fight? Did you tell him? I swear to God, if you really were just banging each other all morning and stood us up…”

  “No, it’s nothing to do with Alex,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “It’s actually…it’s actually about dad.”

  Melissa stares at me. “What? What are you talking about?” She’s looking at me as if I told her I just started doing meth.

  “I found him,” I say quietly. “He lives here…near here. Melissa, I want to confront him. And I thought you should know, just in case you wanted to come…well, I just thought you should know,” I finish lamely. “Since he’s so close, and…”

  Melissa looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “I don’t understand. Why do you need to confront him? We’re not kids anymore, so why does it even matter? He left. He didn’t want us, or Mom. He left and made a new family. We have our own lives. I have Greg, a successful business, and I’m getting married. You have your graphic design work and Alex. Why are you doing this? It just doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “It matters to me,” I say flatly.

  Melissa throws up her hands. “I don’t want anything to do with this.” She presses her lips together, staring at me and shaking her head. “Jesus, Madison, don’t you think you have enough family drama with Alex already, without jumping headfirst into some more?”

  Her words almost knock me off my feet.

  “That’s really low,” I say through gritted teeth. I can’t believe she said that to me, that she would use something like that against me. But Melissa always has to be the one to win an argument.

  “It’s true, and you know it. You’ve got enough on your plate already.”

  “I think I can decide how much I can handle,” I snap. “I’m an adult.”

  “Well, then you should act like one.” Melissa shakes her head. “Nothing good is going to come of this, for anyon
e.”

  “I need to know. And I wanted to give you the same opportunity.”

  “Well now I do. Is that all?” Melissa looks furious, and it makes me feel the same way. I’m almost glad, because she’s made me too angry to cry.

  “Yes,” I say, teeth clenched.

  “Well then, have a safe trip. See you around.” She turns on her heel, and I stare after her for a moment before storming out, my heart pounding. My throat is on fire. I don’t understand her—why she’s mad at me, how she can just pretend like nothing happened, to throw everything in my face because I want the truth. But if I have to do this alone I will.

  I can’t even hide my tears when I get back to the rental. Alex is on the couch waiting for me, Alyssa stretched out on the other couch, and they look happy. I come into the room and suck all the good energy away. Alyssa takes one look at me and excuses herself to give us time alone. I burst into tears the moment I hear her door shut.

  “She doesn’t understand. She thinks there’s no point, that it will just start problems. She doesn’t think it matters because we’re grown up now and have our own lives and work and families, and so whatever happened with him in the past is just that—in the past.”

  “But it matters to you,” Alex presses gently.

  I sink into the couch beside him. “So many of the decisions I’ve made have been because of what happened. So much of how I relate to men, the way my relationships have gone, choices that might never have happened otherwise. And the worst of it is that he has such a normal life with his family now. Like…what did he leave us for? My whole childhood he was gone. Seeing him with his daughter, he looked so happy. He didn’t hate being a father, he hated being ours.” I’m sobbing so hard my body is shaking. Alex steadies me in his arms.