Searching for Always

by Jennifer Probst

  Right?

  Guess not. She'd wasted the best years of her life stuck with a man who consistently lied and manipulated in the name of soul-searching. How could she have been so far off with her instincts? Was she just a chump after all? Was she even worthy of the kind of love she dreamed of, the kind that her friends had found?

  She blinked furiously to clear her vision. Stop. She was being whiny and ridiculous. She had a great, satisfying life filled with goals and surrounded by plenty of people who loved her. Arilyn lifted the bunch of sage in the air, closed her eyes, and envisioned a home filled with love, peace, and light. The smoke trickled in thin wisps as she moved from room to room, including the closet and bathroom, paying particular attention to the bedroom and kitchen where most intense emotions were expressed.

  Finally, the cottage was properly cleansed. She blew out the flame, moved the small pots containing her herbs to the windowsill for proper light, and grabbed the bottle of celebratory wine in the refrigerator. She deserved alcohol tonight. It would go nicely with her veggie burger and steamed edamame. First, she'd complete her asanas, do some pranayama, and then eat. Tomorrow, things would look better and she'd feel stronger. Peaceful. Back in control.

  Arilyn was sure of it.

  two

  WE'VE GOT A problem, Petty."

  Stone sat in the battered chair and tried to look unconcerned. When the chief called him in and shut the door, he knew he was screwed. The question was simple. How screwed was he?

  Since the incident, he'd been whispered about, endlessly questioned, and judged from his past. Devine backed him up and denied he beat up the husband, citing self-defense. Of course, the blood, bruises, and almost concussion were pretty good evidence. Seemed no charges were filed, though, due to the domestic abuse problem and the child who ended up in the hospital close to having brain trauma.

  Thank God, she'd finally been discharged, and she and her mother had disappeared into a women's shelter.

  Basically, the whole incident was a clusterfuck of mega proportions. All because he didn't wait for Devine and lost his infamous temper.

  Chief Will Williams, aka the Dick, stared hard at him from behind a mess of paperwork, pizza plates, and empty Big Gulp Dr Peppers. He despised paperwork, investigations, and anything that brought any tarnish to the small Verily police force. Till now, Stone had been clean, especially with Devine backing him up. The Dick looked upon Devine as the golden boy on the force. As Devine's partner, Stone had crept up on the chief's approval ladder.

  "I'm sorry, sir." He kept his voice low and respectful. "I screwed up, I know I did. But he almost killed his daughter, and I had to move fast."

  "Oh, you moved all right, you son of a bitch. Do you know what would have happened if the jerk had sued the force? I'm talking newspaper headlines. Page one. We'd be done. Understand?"

  "Yes. It won't happen again."

  "I can't risk it happening again." Williams rubbed his forehead, and Stone got a bad feeling in his gut. He'd figured on a tongue-lashing, maybe probation, but this looked more serious. What would he do if he got fired? Panic flared, but he fought it back down. No way. He'd do anything needed to stay. "Look, Petty, you're a good cop. Thorough, badass, and I still think a good addition here. The guys like you. But this anger scares the crap out of me. It's the reason you left your last precinct, and I don't need baggage following you here."

  "I've been here a year already, sir, without incident."

  "All you need is one incident to banish all the good. If you want to stay, I have some new terms."

  Relief hit. Okay, this he could deal with. A few sessions with the shrink, maybe. A slap on the wrist. Forced vacay. Whatever he got hit with, he'd do it with a smile and show his boss he could be trusted.

  "Of course. Whatever you think is best, I'll do it."

  Williams choked out a laugh. "Let's hope. You'll be enrolled in a six-week anger management class." He pulled out some papers from a thick manila folder and threw them on the desk. "Suspension for two weeks. Devine has already been briefed. He'll remain your partner when you return, but he's lead and you follow."

  Stone winced. He hated playing second when they'd been equals, but, hell, he'd swallow it. Two weeks with no work was scary, but he'd swallow it, too, since he had no choice. But anger management? Yikes, that was a new one. He grabbed the paper and began scanning the document.

  "And don't think you're gonna show up at these classes and breeze through. From what I've heard, she's hard-core and incorporates an array of unorthodox treatments. In other words, it's gonna be hell."

  Private counseling sessions. Yoga? No way. What did yoga have to do with anger management? Charity and community service? Meditation? His heart pounded and sweat pricked his skin. Holy crap, would she force him to sit on the floor cross-legged and chant to Buddha? This wasn't a few hours of lying on a couch and sharing feelings. This was sleepaway camp where the serial killer came in and offed everyone in his path.

  Yeah. He could only hope.

  Williams stared at him as if expecting a temper explosion or strong denials. Stone choked back his righteous refusal to be a trained pony, because his damn job was his life.

  He had nothing else left to give.

  "Fine. I'll do it."

  "You need to sign."

  Stone glared but grabbed the pen and scrawled his name on the line. Like he had a choice. Williams actually looked a bit surprised at his easy acceptance.

  "You start Monday. Take the weekend off and get your head together."

  "Who's running the classes?" Stone asked.

  "Meadows. Arilyn Meadows. I guess she's part owner of that matchmaking agency, Kinnections, but she also does classes on the side in anger management, counseling, and yoga."

  Great. That's where the crazy stuff came from. The name rang a bell in his head, and a faint memory tried to grab hold. How did he know that name? So familiar . . .

  "Anyway, do your time, and don't let me see this trouble again. Now get outta here."

  "Yes, sir."

  He left the office and stopped to talk with some of the other guys who wanted to find out about his punishment. He took some ribbing, but generally everyone had his back. Good thing. He'd just reached his desk when he froze, his brain finally making the connection.

  Arilyn Meadows.

  He'd met her over the summer during a domestic abuse case with one of her best friends. A long, lithe body. Hip-length strawberry hair and grass-green eyes.

  Also the biggest pain in the ass he'd ever met.

  She was prickly, mouthy, and superior. She razzed him about smoking, accused him of slacking on the job, and had the balls to call him on the endless cliche that he ate donuts in his spare time. She drove him crazy, yet he'd responded to her physically in an instant. A strange, burning chemistry slammed through him when her gaze caught his, and he had the weird instinct to do things to her.

  Sexual things.

  There was something in those vivid green eyes that called to him. Secrets hidden he wanted to unearth. A demand to make her surrender.

  Nuts.

  He was certifiably nuts to get a hard-on by a hippie with a God complex. The thought of being tortured for six weeks in a room with her almost made him go back to his chief and tell him no.

  Almost.

  But he had no choice. The nicotine patch on his arm itched. Oh, he wanted a sweet smoke more than anything else. Would give up his last dime of savings for a puff. Instead, he gritted his teeth and drew out the one crumpled pack of Marlboros he'd left himself as a reminder. Sticking his nose against the pack, he took a deep breath. The faint scent of tobacco calmed him a bit. Ignoring his coworkers' jibes and laughter, he got himself back together and stuck the pack back in his pocket till the next time. He may miss the habit, but he was nearing forty, loved carbs, red meat, and sugar, and was a walking symbol for an early heart attack. He also despised weakness, and a vice that strong needed to go.

  He grabbed his keys and wal
ked out of the station. Now he had to deal with a do-gooder who had no idea what cops went through. Still, he had no choice. Best thing to do was accept it, shore up his defenses, and get through it. A physical reaction meant nothing, and a few hours in a room with her would probably cure any type of attraction. He'd agree to her ridiculous terms, pass the course, and get back to his job and his life.

  No. Problem.

  "I'M GOING TO SUE you."

  Arilyn held her smile. The guy across her desk was a difficult client, full of macho attitude, fear of intimacy, and a bad attitude. Still, she believed in counseling her clients to their full potential in order to be able to pursue a healthy relationship. Since she was also teaching an anger management course, she knew well how to solve difficult issues.

  "I'm sorry, Ben. Why don't you tell me what the problem is?"

  His eyes narrowed and he leaned forward. "You told me I needed to be a bit softer and approachable around women. You said being a bastard doesn't necessarily get the girl. Does any of this sound familiar?"

  She kept smiling and nodded. "Yes, that's correct. Instead of treating women with ego and attitude, letting yourself be a bit more vulnerable and nice to a woman isn't a bad thing. That's the way to find and stay in a solid relationship."

  "Bullshit." He had a basset hound kind of a face, with saggy cheeks and a droopy-type mouth. His stocky body was buff, since he worked weights like crazy, and his thick blond waves of hair formed a prideful lion's mane, but Arilyn found his crude mannerisms a definite turnoff. They'd been working with his attitude adjustment for a while.

  "Why is it bullshit?" she asked calmly. She dug her fingers into the cushioned arms of her chair and began dragging in long, slow breaths. He was pissing her off, and it wasn't a good sign that she'd rather yell than help him work through his problems. Keep breathing.

  "Because I tried it. Met a girl at the bar this weekend and approached. Instead of my usual lines, I gave her my name. Listened to her. Hell, I bought her way too many drinks. When I asked her out, she said no. Said she was more attracted to the dominant kind of man and that we wouldn't fit. Left me at the bar humiliated and broke. Because of you and your stupid advice."

  Her smile slipped. Stupid, huh? Maybe he was stupid to think any intelligent woman wouldn't be attracted to a complete macho idiot. "She probably wasn't meant for you, Ben. Perhaps she just wanted one night and not a relationship."

  "That's what I wanted, too! I'm over this. Over your counseling and computer surveys just to get a mixer where I may not even connect with anyone. Your agency sucks, and I want my money back or I'll sue."

  She'd been well trained. When people dealt with emotions like love and vulnerability, many acted out. The contract was ironclad regarding legal liabilities; Ben would never be able to sue Kinnections. As many happy endings as she had helped with, there were also heartbreakers when a couple just didn't make it. The scenario had occurred many times before, and usually she was able to calm them down, get back on track, and move on.

  She opened her mouth.

  "Maybe the problem isn't Kinnections but your lousy attitude problem regarding women," she snapped. "Maybe I haven't set up a mixer yet because I feel sorry for every woman who has to meet you!"

  His eyes bugged out. "You can't talk to me like that!"

  She leaned forward over her desk to meet him halfway, lowering her voice. "Watch me. You're terminated from Kinnections. Your refund check will be in the mail."

  He sat up. "Wait. Maybe we should try again. I saw some of the pics on the website and your clients are hot."

  "Good-bye, Ben."

  "I'm going to sue you for wrongful termination!"

  Arilyn got up from the desk, stormed to the door, and yanked it open. "I'll look forward to the legal papers. Have a good day and thanks for using Kinnections."

  He stared at her for a few minutes before slowly getting up and trudging out the door. The other thing she had learned about Ben was that he was a bit of a bully. Stand up to him first, and he backed down immediately. The little bell over the entrance jingled merrily, confirming his exit.

  Muttering under her breath, she slammed the counseling room door and marched to her own office. Idiot. A waste of time even trying to get him to see what his real issue was or to treat women as anything other than a bodily ornament for his arm. Better to cut him now and give him his refund. She was sure Kate would understand.

  She got back to her desk, moved her mouse, and tried to concentrate on the endless load of work that had piled up. The new computer program had some glitches that needed to be worked out, and she needed to step up her training with Lenny and Mike before she brought them back to the shelter for the adoption process. This morning, she'd found her slippers chewed up, so the little incident with the red shoes hadn't been smart. Parenting a puppy was like raising a toddler, and routine and discipline were key. Of course, their fur ball faces and adorable wide eyes killed her every time.

  She reached for her water bottle and chugged the last drop. Proper hydration was the key to good health. Another step she always followed in her endless pursuit of doing the right thing.

  The lightbulb crackled and lit.

  She did everything right. Always. She listened to authority figures. Treated her body like a temple. Completed karmic service to help others. Kept her mind calm with meditation. Helped others, whether they be human or canine. She gave her full heart and soul to every task, knowing it meant a big difference to do things lovingly rather than grudgingly.

  But she ached for more. Something bigger that came to taunt her in the deep night, until she twisted under the sheets and tears stung her eyes with frustration. A yearning for . . .

  More.

  The familiar anger washed over her. She'd meditated for a full hour last night with a garnet around her neck and the cottage cleared of all negative energy. So why did she still feel pissed off, depressed, and generally miserable? Why was she suddenly thinking a Big Mac, a beer, and a big-assed ice-cream cone would put her in a better mood than chanting in the goal for peace and harmony?

  Yep. It was official.

  She was losing her mind.

  A knock sounded. Kate popped her head in with a big smile. "Got a minute?"

  Arilyn forced a smile back at her friend. "Of course."

  Kate strode in, clad in her usual black pants and lace top, her blond hair a halo around her face, highlighting her ocean-blue eyes and pale pink mouth. The driving force behind Kinnections, Kate was the main CEO and handler, making sure the business thrived and bringing her own special touch to love matches.

  A real touch.

  Gifted with the ability to sense a true soul connection between two people, Kate experienced a burst of electricity when she touched a couple meant to be. She'd lost many of her own dates to others until Slade Montgomery came on the scene, determined to prove Kinnections a fraud. Their relationship was rocky, passionate, and ended up with a true happy ever after.

  Her friend slid into the purple chair opposite her desk and cocked her head. That assessing blue gaze traveled over her with frank concern. Uh-oh. There was nothing scarier than when her friends decided she needed an intervention. They were ruthless. Arilyn straightened up in her chair, determined to show no weakness.

  "How are you doing?"

  "Great." The lift of Kate's brow made her change the answer. "I mean, it's hard, of course, but I'm doing much better. How are the wedding plans? Do you need any help?"

  Kate was scheduled to marry Slade in a few weeks, and crunch time was upon her. Arilyn had always wondered why she counseled so many women planning weddings, and now realized why. It was a bitch. If a couple actually made it intact and still in love to the ceremony, they had a 50 percent shot for success.

  "I'm taking your advice and letting it go. The details are complete. And I'm tired of getting caught up in ridiculousness. I almost had a breakdown when the Asiatic lilies weren't available and they suggested calla lilies. I mean, am I nuts or what
? Slade will dump me before I even get to the ceremony. You were right, A. It's not the wedding that's important, it's the marriage. I refuse to stress any longer."

  "Good for you. Concentrate on the reward. St. Lucia, right?"

  Kate sighed. "Yeah. Sun, sand, and sex. The perfect trifecta."

  Arilyn laughed. "Honeymoons are worth the craziness of the wedding."

  "Yeah, but we both wish we could bring Robert. We can't put him on a plane, though, so he'll have to stay. Thanks so much for taking care of him."

  "He's going to be fine, Kate. He's stayed with me before, and you know how much I love him." Kate's dog, Robert, was paraplegic, and used a scooter to move around. Kate had rescued him years ago, and they were a tight team. Now Slade was just as madly in love with him, and they became a true family. "I'll spoil him so bad he won't want to go back."

  Kate chuckled. "Slade would fight you to the death. He yelled at me the other day for taking up too much room in the bed. I mean, are you kidding me? He literally chose the dog over me."

  "And you love it."

  "Yeah, I do." Her face became misty, and once again Arilyn struggled to fight the punch in her gut. The need for what Kate experienced. God, she'd never been a jealous person before, and not that she wasn't happy for her friend, she just wanted it for herself, too. "But I'm worried about leaving Kinnections for such a long time. We've doubled our workload, and since we lost Gen as our assistant, I haven't been able to get anyone good."

  Arilyn tapped her finger against her lips. "I know the last temp was a bit undependable."

  Kate rolled her eyes. "She came in late, and every other day she had her period. Nightmare."

  "We'll work it out."

  "Let's talk about it. Can you ring in Kennedy?"

  "Sure." Arilyn buzzed her friend. "Can you come in here? Kate's in my office."

  A few moments later, Kennedy Ashe strolled in. Looking perfect as usual, her caramel-colored hair falling in thick waves over her shoulders, the third in their crew handled all the social events and makeovers for Kinnections. Her red Jimmy Choos clicked on the floor, and she slid into the final seat, legs crossed, looking smart and polished in her Jones red suit with matching polish on her toes and nails. She was a complete dynamo in her job and personal life, until her newest client, Nate Dunkle, nerd extraordinaire and rocket scientist, burst into her life. His awkward social behavior and disastrous physical appearance called to her sense of challenge, until she decided to transform him and find him love. Then proceeded to fall for him herself.