Searching for Always

by Jennifer Probst

  "I'm not a saint. I'm grateful I haven't fallen off the wagon with the smoking, but if you take away my coffee, I'll be institutionalized. This is not a gray area. It's make-or-break time."

  He stared at her, the battle waging between them, and finally, she relaxed, her lips curving in a small smile. "Okay."

  "Okay?"

  "Yes. I'll go to the store and get real coffee for you."

  He studied her with suspicion. "Why did you give in so easy?"

  She laughed that half giggle he already adored. "Because this is important to you. Stone, I know many of my choices seem weird to you. And I respect yours, too. I just don't want you stressed or sick or unhappy. That's all."

  That's all. Yet it was more than he'd ever had before. Imagine a woman caring about him on such a level, beyond sex or a few laughs. The possibility dangled in front of him like a huge, juicy carrot, but he was no vegetarian and he knew the real deal. So Stone ignored it.

  "Thanks. I better go." He turned to take off, but she called out his name. "Yeah?"

  "Aren't you going to kiss me good-bye?"

  Her honest question did him in. He took two big steps, picked her up, and kissed her thoroughly, senselessly, and with a deep satisfaction. He slid her back down to the ground, loving the wonderment and desire on her face as she looked at him.

  "I'll come back."

  She smiled. "Good."

  He walked out with a lighter step, and a lighter heart.

  STONE STARED AT THE dog. Frustration nipped at his nerves, along with something else. An emotion that bothered the shit out of him.

  Guilt.

  "I didn't leave you for long," he explained. Yes, he'd discovered a small yellow puddle by the door, but he didn't know what to expect with the house training. Arilyn had brought him an endless amount of supplies, from food, to toys, to treats, and even a pink doggy bed that looked ridiculous in his masculine house. At least he had a yard to offer, and since he lived a bit outside town, there weren't many neighbors.

  Thank God, he hadn't invested in the carpeting, since he had a feeling Pinky would take a while to get her bladder on schedule. He'd walked her outside, and she'd done fine. He'd changed her water and given her food, which she'd actually eaten a bit of. But now she just sat in front of him, staring at him like she expected something.

  "What is it you want?"

  The catatonic distance had eased from her eyes, but she was still dead quiet, never barked, and seemed to slip in and out of that place in her head she lived in during the time of her abuse. Stone wasn't a dog whisperer, so he figured he'd just keep doing what he was doing and eventually give her to someone who could actually help.

  Arilyn.

  He glanced at his watch. After he showered, changed, and had some real bacon, real coffee, and real butter with toast, he felt energized. Figured he'd go back to her place and spend the next few hours before his shift.

  "Listen, I gotta go back to Arilyn's. I'll swing by and take you out before I have to get to work though."

  Pinky gazed back at him with sad eyes.

  Fuck. "I'm not a dog person," he explained. "I'm glad you seem a bit better, but I'm not sure what you want. I can't bring you over there because she has a dog." Stone had seen Pinky turn into a shaking, growling lunatic when she got too close to another dog. Robert would give her a heart attack by his size alone. He strolled over, turned on the television, and clicked on Animal Planet. "See, you can watch TV. I'll keep a few lights on. You'll have a nice, relaxing day."

  More staring. She never even blinked, just kept her serious gaze locked on his. Why wouldn't she grow hair? Those white tufts on top of her head made her look like a damn gremlin, and who knew skin could be a light brown color? When she opened her mouth to eat, her teeth poked out, looking razor sharp, but the overbite was just plain weird. It was as if her teeth weren't aligned with her mouth so her jaw jutted out. Most dogs he'd seen looked more normal. She was a little thing, too. But the sores had healed. She'd always be ugly as sin, but at least she would be healthy. And safe.

  "Okay, so have a good day." Stone grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. Walked to the door. Opened it. "See ya."

  He glanced back. She didn't budge, but a slight tremor shook her body. As if by being left alone again, she'd be damaged somehow. Ridiculous. He was being an ass. He was leaving.

  Stone shut the door and headed toward his car. Son of a bitch. He was going to have more great sex, go to work, and deal with the rat fink later. No way was a dog going to cramp his style now. No way.

  He drove away with a roar of the engine, refusing to look back.

  "WHAT THE HELL IS that?"

  Devine stood on the curb, gaping at Stone as if he'd just announced he'd gone gay. He shifted the weight under his arm and glared. "A dog. What do you think it is? Get in."

  They were outside the police station, ready to do a drive-by check. The early afternoon had been perfect. Ideal. When he returned, Arilyn greeted him at the doorway with no clothes, proving she had a secret bad girl inside he'd managed to spring loose. They'd spent the rest of the morning in bed, exploring all the ways he could make her scream, and he'd barely had enough time to get back to Pinky before racing to work.

  Another small puddle greeted him along with a suffering, mournful expression of doggy unhappiness. Stone took the dog out, redid her water-food routine, and ripped out a new squeaky toy. Pinky refused to touch it. Just sat in the middle of the room, refusing to budge but asking for something he couldn't seem to figure out.

  "See, this is why I don't have a dog," he offered, buttoning up his uniform. "This is also why I got a divorce. I'm busy. I don't know how to make you happy. I have to go to work and bring home the money. Do you understand?" Stone finished dressing, grabbed his stuff, and paused at the door. "I gotta go. I'll be back in eight hours and we'll spend some time together. Okay?"

  Nothing. Well, what the hell did he expect? He was talking to a damn dog.

  Frustrated and pissed off, he opened the door.

  Then heard it.

  Whimpering.

  Stone turned his head. Pinky had dropped her head in full grieving mode. Body shaking, little moans of distress emitted from her mouth. A shiver raced down his spine. No. Oh, God, this was worse than a woman crying. He rubbed his hands over his face and prayed for it to stop. How could she go from isolated silence to codependency so soon?

  "Don't. I can't take you to work. I drive in a police car and you'd hate it."

  Pinky lifted her head and whined again. Took a few steps toward the door, cocking her head as if asking the all-important question. Can I go with you please?

  "Absolutely not. You'll be fine. Hang out, take a nap, chew on a bone. I'll be back later."

  He shut the door. A few steps toward the car, he stopped cold, listening to the eerie, sad whine of the dog. Crying.

  Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  He opened the door, grabbed the ridiculous pink collar and leash Arilyn had bought, and scooped Pinky up in his arms. The dog barely took up his whole hand, and immediately snuggled into the crook of his arm. Then Stone did the unthinkable, the impossible, and the insane.

  He brought Pinky to work with him.

  Devine was still staring in shock through the window at the dog sitting in the backseat. "That thing is a dog?" he asked in a high-pitched tone. "Are you kidding me? Trying to pull a practical joke? Is it real?"

  Stone rolled his eyes. "Just get in the damn car, please, before the rest of the dingbats come out here. It's a Chihuahua."

  Devine slid into the front seat, glancing back. "I know what a Chihuahua is, and that ain't one. Where's its fur?"

  "Gone. Well, I called it Rat Fink, but Arilyn got pissed."

  "Ah, now I get it! This is the one you tried to get me to take. You slept with her, and this is your punishment!"

  "Shut up, Devine."

  His partner belted out a laugh, shaking his head. "Thought you hated dogs."

  "I do, but like I said,
this one was abused, and the shelter was crowded, and she couldn't take the dog because it has issues."

  "Issues, huh? You two are perfect for each other. What's the rat fink's name?"

  "Pinky," he mumbled. He winced, waiting for the inevitable.

  "You're fucking kidding me."

  Damned if he didn't feel a flush stain his cheeks. So humiliating. "No."

  "Her collar is actually pink. I told you she's a foo-foo dog!"

  "She's tough. Arilyn named her, for God's sake, not me. And she's only mine temporarily."

  "Why does it have to come with us? Dogs are left home all the time."

  Stone made a right and headed into the neighborhood where they'd nabbed Pinky. "I know. I tried. She was shaking and crying, and I was afraid if I didn't take her, something bad would happen."

  Devine laughed harder. "You are such a sucker. Dogs hate being alone, they all do it."

  "I'm telling you, this is different. Look, it's only tonight. I'm begging you not to tell the guys or I'm gonna have to take shit for this stunt for the rest of my life. Then I'd have to transfer."

  Devine wiped his eyes, looking happy over this complication. "Fine. But you owe me."

  "Fine." They drove in silence for a while, scanning the quiet surroundings. Pinky was surprisingly well behaved. She sat perfectly still and stared out the window. Stone could use a little action tonight, but Verily seemed determined to keep the peace. "You find anything else out on that property I told you about?"

  "Bluebird? Nah. Let's go check it out and see if anything's cooking. Night seems pretty dead."

  "Yeah."

  "So, how was the sex?"

  Stone hesitated. Usually he enjoyed sharing details with Devine. They liked to rib each other, all in good fun. Sometimes compare. "Great."

  "First time?"

  He shifted in the seat. "Yep."

  "Cool. Do it on the bed? Against the wall? Floor?"

  He concentrated on his driving and made a left, heading toward the outskirts. "Normal stuff. You know."

  Devine didn't answer. When Stone glanced over, his partner sported a shit-eating grin that was pure trouble. "Holy crap, it finally happened. You won't give me details because she's important."

  Stone snorted. "That's ridiculous. Well, of course she's important; I don't sleep with women I don't like. Just don't feel like getting into it."

  "Bullshit. You care about her, so you won't give me the down-and-dirty details." Devine shook his head in glee. "This is the best night ever. You got taken out by a dog and a woman in one shot."

  "You're an asshole."

  "Maybe. But I'm also right."

  Stone refused to answer. After all, his friend was being ridiculous. Just because he couldn't stop thinking about her? Just because he felt addicted to her scent and taste and legs wrapped around his hips as he pumped inside her sweet body? No, it was the early flush of a new affair. A few more days, and the crazy need for each other would fade away.

  He turned the car onto the dead-end street, but this time lights flickered around, and a variety of vehicles were lined up and down the street. A fire gave off smoke from the backyard. Stone's instincts flared. Oh, yeah, something was going on here, and it was time he figured it out. Catching Devine's excitement at some real action, his partner nodded and checked his gun.

  "We got something, dude. Ready?"

  Stone nodded, his cop radar going off in shrieks. "Let's do this. Pinky, stay here."

  The dog perched on the seat, not blinking, and quietly watched him get out of the car and shut the door. She didn't whine or cry or move.

  Pride shot through him. She might not be a drug-sniffing warrior, or have the genes of a shepherd or Lab, but something told him she'd be a good partner for the road. She was, after all, a survivor.

  Stone quickly pushed the thought aside and followed Devine down the road.

  THE BUST WAS EVERYTHING he'd wished for and more. Drugs. Dog fighting. And finally, some damn justice for not only Pinky but Arilyn. They ended up rescuing a bunch of other dogs and nailing a major drug dealer. Stone was buzzed for hours and reminded once again why being a cop was worth it.

  He couldn't wait to tell Arilyn.

  seventeen

  ARILYN LOOKED AT the men before her. Dressed in shorts and tanks, they gazed at her a bit warily. She'd recruited them to the Tuck-N-Pack gym, where she occasionally taught a yoga class to help out the community. The private room she reserved was used for a hot yoga class, which incorporated steamy temperatures and a rousing ashtanga workout. She'd used it for many of her clients, including Kate's husband, Slade, back in the day, and found the technique a good tool in breaking down barriers, especially ones leading to anger.

  Unfortunately, she was quite distracted today. If Arilyn admitted the truth, she'd been fighting for focus the moment Stone took her to bed. Even now, her gaze kept getting stuck on his powerful bare thighs dusted with dark hair, the way his tank showed off his corded arms, the wicked glint of satisfaction in his inky eyes when he looked at her. Like he knew what she was thinking. And wanting.

  Because he did.

  Five days. Only five days, and already she craved him like all the bad things she kept away from her body. Sugar, caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, all the wonderful, terrible items in life that made one happy in the moment and miserable later on. Sex with Stone had now topped any impulse and appetite she'd ever owned before. It was awful.

  It was wonderful.

  They couldn't keep their hands off each other. Between their work schedules, driving back and forth to care for Pinky, and the scattered visits with Poppy and her newly adopted dinner guest Mrs. Blackfire, they met when night fell, tumbling into bed with an endless yearning that never seemed to be satisfied.

  Arilyn tried to ignore the faint warning in the back of her mind. She didn't want to fall in love with a man who intended to leave when the fun stopped. She tried to concentrate on the bruising pleasure he wracked from her body and told herself it would be enough. If only she hadn't learned to look past his gruff, crude, annoying exterior and see the real man underneath.

  A man who her friends liked. A man who showed up to have dinner with her neighbor and Poppy with a smile on his face. A man who helped with a dog he didn't care for. A man who had told her in a casual way he'd made a drug bust at Bluebird and shut down a dogfighting ring in the process. He hadn't given up investigating the house, even though everyone else had. When Anthony called her, telling her that a variety of shelters and the Humane Society were stepping in to help with the dogs, she'd turned to Stone with tears in her eyes and thanked him.

  He just shrugged and told her she could make it up to him in bed.

  Arilyn took a deep, calming breath and refocused.

  "I'm going to take you through a demanding yoga routine. It's commonly known as hot yoga, so we do the workout in a set temperature of one hundred degrees. I've placed water bottles by your side and checked with your respective physicians to be sure each of you is in proper health."

  Luther spoke up. "How is this supposed to help with anger?"

  "Funny, I was gonna ask the same thing," Stone drawled. "Sure this isn't just a way to punish us and get your kicks, Teach?"

  She narrowed her gaze, but his dancing eyes told her he was deliberately baiting her for a show. She smiled at Luther and ignored her lover. "Hot yoga is a great way to break down both your body and mind. We've been studying barriers and mental blocks that keep anger suppressed. Any exercise is excellent, but this is particularly cleansing. You'll be uncomfortable, and when your mind fights, anger can take hold. The mat is a safe way to practice all the scary things in life, master them, and move on."

  Luther nodded. "Thanks. I understand better now."

  "As for you, Officer," she said, tone hardening, "do your best to keep up."

  Eli snickered.

  "Let's begin."

  The routine was long, hard, and messy. She kept her attention on all three men, making sure they wer
en't experiencing any health issues or emotional blockages that sometimes radiated through such a cleansing process. She was surprised at the loosening of Stone's hamstrings and biceps during the transitions. Funny, it was almost as if he was doing something different. His body was more relaxed and limber than before. As she moved into Downward Dog, Stone tossed off his tank. The sight of his bare chest gleaming with sweat, muscles bunching as he moved, caused her to miss a step and almost fall on her ass.

  By the end of the session, she was wet in many places.

  They completed circle time and broke for the weekend. Luther and Eli chatted with her awhile as Stone helped stack the mats in the corner. He checked his phone and waited for them to leave. Finally, the room was empty.

  Her heart pounded. Her skin prickled with awareness. He stalked her slowly, those lush lips twisted down in the familiar sensual sneer that made her hot. "Slade warned me about your tendency to torture men with hot yoga. You enjoyed that, didn't you?" he asked.

  She took in his hard, sweaty body and smiled with promise. "Slade is right. And yes, I did enjoy it."

  "Payback's a bitch, little one. Everything you do to me in this room will be done to you later on. In private."

  Her gaze deliberately raked him from head to toe. She dragged her tongue across her bottom lip as if imagining his taste. He growled low in his throat in warning.

  "You're a lot of talk, Officer," she answered coolly. "Not much action."

  Sexual tension squeezed between them. Arilyn tried to keep up her demeanor even though her core throbbed painfully and her nipples begged for release, hardening with anticipation. Excited to see what he'd do, she studied him in silence, the obvious challenge in the air sparking like an electrical current gone crazy.

  "I'll be at your place by eight tonight. Then you'll get your action. And your lesson."

  Disappointment cut through her. She craved his kiss, his touch, but as if he knew what she wanted, he dropped one eyelid in a wink and sauntered out the door. "What if I'm busy?" she called out.

  "Don't be."

  He shut the door. Arilyn tried not to sulk. He thought he could play sex games with her, huh? Well, wouldn't he be surprised when she countered with her own demands tonight.

  Bring it.

  STONE PUT HIS HAND out and shook his head. Hard. "No way. I already took you to work twice this week. Tonight I'm getting laid."