Small Doses

by Amanda Seales

  Things can get trippy when you start thinking anyone who shares your space in some form or fashion is your friend. We’ve all done it. I know I have. Mislabeled someone as friend because they always greeted you with jokes and support, they showed up to your functions, and they may have even plugged you into a good opportunity once or twice. All of that is cool, but that doesn’t make them a friend as much as an acquaintance. There is nothing wrong with someone being an acquaintance. However, classifying them as such does serve as a helpful marker in keeping your boundaries and your expectations managed. You don’t want to go into a situation with an acquaintance if it really calls for a friend. Next thing you know, shit has hit the fan and they’re pulling a Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” on you. They’re right. They don’t know you. Acquaintances are folks you’ve had interactions with and can have a laugh with but when you’re down they’re not on the speed dial. On the other hand, everybody wants to be liked, and being able to walk into a room and recognize individuals that you can have an exchange with is always a good feeling. There will always be more acquaintances in your life than friends because they are your network. Like markers on a map, they represent the places you’ve been, and can be very helpful in moving you forward to where you’re going.

  There’s a reason your momma told you that you will eventually be able to count your friends on one hand. Because as you get older, and life gets realer, you can only give that title to the real ones. I take the word friend very seriously because I know what I bring to the table as a friend, and I expect the same in return. So much about friendship is understanding and compassion and simply accepting folks for who they are. In that same breath, if someone is bringing stress to your space, let them know. Friendship is not the expectation that you have to put up with everything someone does, but it is having the consideration for why they may do what they do and, based on the other positives they bring, giving them the opportunity to course-correct. Sure, you may have friends that you’ve kept from childhood who know you from flat-chested and annoying to busty and “outspoken.” There will also be times in your life when you realize the folks you’re calling friends no longer meet the definition, or maybe never did, and you’ll have to reconcile that with moving forward and forging new bonds. It can be daunting, and scary, but it’s a part of evolving. It also takes looking at yourself and what you’re bringing to your friendships. When you get to where you’re going you want people around you that aren’t there for the ride, but for the journey. You party with acquaintances. You celebrate with friends. Ooh in a ’90s kinda world, be glad you’ve got your girls.

  In our quest to have friendship sometimes we mislabel folks and find ourselves disappointed when they don’t show up with the way we imagined they would. The question to ask yourself is why did you consider that person a friend?

  Working with Friends

  THAT ONE TIME

  I don’t know if it’s because I’m an only child or because my work is so personal to me, but I have this fantasy of a work environment made up of the homies and we’re like one big family that thrives and jives all while making incredible art together! I know this to be incredibly possible. However, it feels like a fantasy because it is so far from what I expected it to look like. As a leader I’ve experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly of working with friends. Here are some of my experiences:

  THE GOOD

  Especially when you’re broke, friends become an essential component to elevation. Who else is gonna look out and let you shoot your music video in their apartment on a Sunday afternoon as long as you’re done before Game of Thrones comes on?

  *singing* “That’s what friends are forrr”

  Who else is gonna show up on a Saturday at 10 a.m. to shoot a party scene in your living room for a sketch that may NEVER see the light of day?

  *rapping* “When my homies call”

  Who is gonna come thru at 1 a.m. and board a downtown D train with you to be your audience as you attempt to do stand-up comedy on the train, when you’ve never done stand-up comedy ANYWHERE before?

  *screaming* “THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRANNNNN!!!!”

  Your friends want you to succeed and want you to win. So they’ll look out for you. Don’t take advantage of that. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t run them ragged. On the other hand, if you’re working with a friend to help them realize their vision, don’t hold the favor over their head. Don’t half-ass the work. Don’t undermine their professional values. The keys to any good relationship are communication and accountability. A working relationship is no different. The best experiences I’ve had working with friends have been because these two things were already ingrained in our homieship. So, in moving to the work space, it wasn’t a far cry to adapt. I’ve worked with friends in all different capacities. The most fun is when you look around and realize, “Wow, I’m actually getting paid to hang out and make cool shit with my homies!” It’s surreal, a source of pure joy, and that “I MADE IT!” feeling. Everything is clicking. The stars are aligning. Y’all are envisioning the future and driving in Benzes from the ’80s through Times Square, then it happens . . .

  THE BAD

  Your taste changes. In this book I talk a lot about change being inevitable and within the working dynamic of your friends it is no different. People talk a lot about “Day Ones.” Drake even has a song called, “No New Friends.” Well, that’s a crock of crap. Reason being, sometimes (most of the time), your day ones don’t even make it to day two, let alone glow-up time. Even when they’re your homies, even when they love you and you love them and both of y’all want to win, as you continue moving forward it is very common for your tastes to move in different directions. Sometimes, it’s a matter of learning. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of realizing that I’ve surpassed my cohorts in my education and expectations of quality and process. Once this happens, it is VERY difficult to continue to operate cohesively. This is because you are no longer looking to the same standard, so your instincts on how to move, what to do, and why to do it are not going to be aligned. This also happens when your drive and motivations change. Sure, you all may have started working together because it was fun, but oftentimes, if you’re lucky, there comes a point where the fun transforms into a career. When that happens, alterations in attitude are a must. If you become more ardent and serious and they remain in freewheeling fun-time mode, it can easily become acrimonious. So, what do you do? You elevate. NEVER stop elevating. Friends or not, if folks don’t want to elevate they gotta simply stay where they’re at. If you’re partners, you may even have a conflict on what elevating truly means. That comes down to you all making sure you go back to how it all started. Meeting at the friend space and speaking to each other from there. Never let the business get you so far gone that you forget your friendship and how to show up.

  THE UGLY

  This is when it sucks. When you realize, through doing business together, that someone really is no longer your friend. Maybe they don’t like the way you do business. Maybe they’re no longer interested in what you’re doing. Once you come to understand that they’re no longer rooting for you, there is nowhere to go from there. I’ve seen it happen so many times. Friends work together and one or both lose sight of their friendship simply because they’re in a professional space. They adopt this “It’s just business” concept, which really is simply an excuse to be inconsiderate and lacking in compassion as they do some fuckshit. I remember producing a project where I cast someone I had considered a true friend. Part of my writing process is to write out the bullet points of the scene and then improv with my actors for beats and pacing. In that process it is common that funny lines may come out, and I make note of them for when I sit down to actually write the scene.

  The day of the shoot, the friendtress (that’s friend/actress) showed up an hour late and without her wardrobe. Already, I knew this was going to be a doozy. Were we a network production, she never would have let that happen, but because we were simply
a digital series, her on-pointness was not as sharp. She grabbed some clothes from her trunk and we made it work. Following the shoot, she refused to sign the release, stating that her lawyer needed to look at it and that in order to move forward she would require a writing credit since one of the lines she had improvised in rehearsal made it into the script. Even as I write this I’m rolling my eyes. For the record, no, that’s not how getting a writing credit works. Even writers who are working in writer’s rooms do not get credit for writing a script simply because they gave input. As for the release, she refused to sign it several times on baseless grounds, as her concern was that there be language stating she would get more money were it to ever be sold to a network. If a show is sold to a network, you begin a brand-new contractual process and make your demands within those negotiations. She was ignorant but thought she was exerting “it’s just business” professionalism. Had she approached me from the place of the friendship that got her cast in the first place, and placed more emphasis on the work that was actually being done and less on what she felt she deserved for what she hadn’t done, or might possibly do, the outcome would have been far more fruitful. In the end, unfortunately, I had to simply dissolve her character and move forward. This is one of so many instances where friends switch up in a business setting and you can’t go back. Because when it happens to a point where they are impeding your quest to your dream it is incredibly difficult not to take it personally.

  The other doozy is when friends are not good at the job they have taken on and cannot manage your critique of their work. I consider this to typically be where the bad turns to ugly. Constructive criticism is a real thing, but some just cannot take it. No matter their infraction. No matter how you’ve delivered it. Some friends just cannot deal with you telling them that they’re not hitting the mark. So what do you do? In the best-case scenario, you talk about it and either they step it up or they don’t and you dissolve the business relationship and keep your friendship. In the ugliest cases, they get nasty and throw barbs at you for their own failures. They attempt to undermine your authority and devalue your leadership. They disrupt your process in a fashion that is irreparable to your accord. It sucks. It hurts. It frustrates. It is also super-duper common and completely avoidable. Don’t work with friends. Make friends who work.

  The reality is good, bad, or ugly, the people who want to be in your life will be there. If you’re being transparent, and showing love, and have an open floor for them to do the same, then there should be no problems, UNLESS there is resentment, ulterior motives, or ego. In which case, there ain’t shit you can do but wish them well and keep on climbin’!

  SIDE EFFECTS OF

  Being a Realist

  You keep it one hundred

  So, folks think you’re coming for their necks

  But you’re just sharp in assessment,

  Straight up, and direct.

  THE TRUTH HURTS

  Being able to see the realities of what’s what is a burden. The truth doesn’t just hurt the people on the other side of it, it can hurt you to know it, and to often be expected to keep it to yourself or dole it out to an unknowing or unwelcoming party. Managing that awareness is its own beast and one that can affect many in negative ways. Try instead to look at this skill as a gift. Being able to see the truth, no matter how ugly it is, gives you the necessary tools to find resolution, elevation, justice, and more. In a world where ignorance is bliss, and facts have become “alternative,” the truth is a high-value commodity that must continue to be mined and preserved, no matter how inconvenient, disruptive, or hurtful it might seem to be.

  YOU’RE NOT FOR EVERYONE

  Part of being a realist is knowing that you deal in the truth, and as I just mentioned, the truth often hurts. Therefore, most folks aren’t really too keen on hearing it. Nonetheless, somebody’s gotta dish it, and if you’re a realist, it’s on you. Since that information has a tendency to cause friction, you can often get positioned as the “Bad Guy,” or a “Negative Nancy” in the crew. That definitely can feel lonely and isolating and the fact is, oftentimes, NO MATTER HOW YOU DELIVER IT, folks turn truth-telling into a hostile maneuver. Trust me, I know. So, as a realist, do your best to know your role, and the realities that come with it. Some people won’t like you because you reveal what they’re trying to hide. Some will love you because you say what they’re afraid to. Most will appreciate you because without a realist in their corner, they can never truly see the path to anything real.

  READ THE ROOM

  Of course, the realist is the truth-teller and, yes, the truth is necessary, but it is not always the right time to bring the real. So much of navigating being a realist is simply being real with yourself in determining, “Is this the right time to bring the facts to light?” You can figure this out in a couple of ways:

  • Is what you say going to embarrass someone unnecessarily?

  • Is what you point out prematurely inviting the negative into the space?

  • Is where your convo headed unhelpful to the cause?

  If the answer to any of these is yes, and you carry forth with your comment, you’re not being a realist, you’re just being an asshole.

  SITUATIONS for the REALIST

  When it comes down to it, though some may not admit it, ya need a realist in key situations. We are the survivors. We are the planners. We are the troubleshooters. Below are some scenarios where you might feel better with an optimist, you may protect your feelings with a pessimist, but you’d thrive with a realist.

  • Starting/Running a Business: Sure, you’re riding high on hope and vision, which can get you through a lot, but the realist is going to be the key to staying afloat. When you hear people refer to yes men, they mean the folks who will tell you what you want to hear to either benefit themselves in some way or to simply stay in your good graces. The realist is the exact opposite. They will tell you what you need to hear to see the situation—pros and cons—for what it is so you can make a truly informed decision that best suits your needs.

  • Choosing a Prom/Wedding/Emmy/etc. Dress: No one should even be in the room who is not a realist! I get it, you may be insecure about certain things, and you may be fragile about others, but Let’s. Be. Real. The fact is, you’re gonna be pissed when it’s time to post pictures and no one told you that your dress has you looking like a punchline to *insert fashion police* jokes.

  • Lost at Sea: The optimist is a much-needed individual here, but the realist is who’s going to kick into survival mode when they do the math on just how dire the situation is. For the record, in Titanic neither Rose nor Jack were realists. THEY COULD’VE BOTH FIT ON THAT DOOR.

  GOOD ADVICE FROM REAL PEOPLE

  Some might say that you can only take advice from people who’ve been through what you’ve been through. That is a fair rule of thumb. However, realists are also great advice givers because though they may lack the experience of the situation, their brain operates objectively. Because they are removed from the emotional attachment to the situation, they can use their logic-based rationale to provide a perspective that you may not have considered.

  REALISTS AND ROMANCE

  You’ve heard the descriptor “hopeless romantic” before. They weren’t talking about realists. Some realists think they’ll never find love because they see too much, know too much, and are well aware of all the factors that are truly facing them in finding a match in the sea of madness that we call earth. However, be the realist you are and always look at the other side of the coin, which tells you that there are tales upon tales of folks finding each other. There are centuries-old stories of the stars aligning to actualize the hopes of a romantic, regardless of their realness. There are swipe rights that lead to legacies of love defying the transience of serial dating. A realist can absolutely be a romantic by knowing that the odds are against them, but love is 100 percent proven to have a knack for finding a way.

  5 FAVE REALIST CHARACTERS

  • Yoda: This Jedi rea
list was the key to making Star Wars’s Luke Skywalker see the truth not only in The Force but within himself.

  Classic Realist Quote: “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

  • Tiffany DuBois: As Insecure’s resident truth-teller, Tiffany may not always have the best tact, but she does have the best intentions: to keep her friends honest with themselves about their own impediments to excellence!

  Classic Realist Quote: “We have to do better. We can’t leave it all up to Chadwick Boseman!”

  • Lt. Commander Spock: Everyone’s favorite Vulcan with an ability to quell emotion in order to make clear decisions based on logic and rationale that kept him, Capt. James T. Kirk, and the rest of the Starship Enterprise crew alive.

  Classic Realist Quote: “In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.”

  • Hermione Granger: The resident lady brain in the famous Hogwarts trio, Hermione’s quick thinking, which is rooted in facts and intellect, played a pivotal role in helping Harry find the way to save the Wizarding World from descending into darkness.