SIDE EFFECTS OF
Insecurity
They come in all forms
To have them is the norm
But trust in what you know
And don’t them dull your glow.
FEAR FACTORS
For the most part, insecurity is rooted in fear. Fear of acceptance. Fear of failure. Fear of success. There is a plethora of reasons. The first step to challenging your own insecurity is to identify what you’re afraid of and find a way to conquer that shit.
“INTERFERENCE!”
Often our insecurities are created and exacerbated by outside sources. It seems like there’s a never-ending stream of assholes just waiting to find something about you and trick you into hating it. These, of course, are trolls. In fairy tales they guard bridges, and in life they’re no different. They stand at the bridge past your self-doubt spewing misinformation, and sometimes just straight-up hateration (yup, even outside of the dancery), in an effort to keep you in it and prevent you from moving past it, making it across the bridge, and getting over it! Don’t let other people’s ignorance get in the way of you loving yourself.
SELF-SABOTAGE ISSA SELF-SABOTAGE!
Why let insecurity obstruct a good time? Too often I’ve seen folks let their own insecurities get in the way of the flourishment of a fly situation. You’ve seen it, too!
• Ending a relationship before it starts because of self-imposed limitations.
• Creating obstacles and conflicts to offset shortcomings.
• Undermining others’ achievements whey they seem to encroach upon your own.
Nobody has time for any of this. Practice flexibility, dispose of sabotaging, and check your jealousy. It’s in the way of your joy.
YOU’RE NOT for EVERYONE
Not everyone is going to like you. It can be a really a tough pill to swallow, but they simply aren’t, and you do yourself a disservice trying to get them to in order to feed your self-esteem. The reality is some people just ain’t your people and that’s kool and the gang. As my mom always told me, “Attend to who is at the party, don’t worry about who didn’t show up!”
Rock with people intrigued by your differences, not intimidated by them. Stop seeking approval from people who see your strengths as flaws. Because insecurity is fueled by fear, instead of attempting to learn how you move in the world, far too many folks will attempt to diminish your uniqueness under a blanket of mediocrity that makes them more comfortable. Don’t listen to them. The teacher that tries to simplify your name because she’s afraid of the foreign nature of your culture and revealing her lack of knowledge on it—make her say that name, LOUD!
TODAY IS THE GREATEST
Things most people are insecure about that you can change TODAY:
• Having food stuck in your teeth: Finding out you have food stuck in your teeth after you’ve been talking to hella people is such a gut punch. You feel like you’ve been looking crazy and no one said anything. Here’s the thing, food gets stuck in teeth. It’s happened to LITERALLY EVERYONE. Anyone who’s judging you based on that ain’t worth your clean teeth anyway!
• Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Listen, if you have concerns with your significant other based on insecurities developed from past relationships, that needs to be addressed and supported, within reason. Whether travel-size or big enough to be checked and stowed below the plane, everyone has baggage they carry with them and the other person in the relationship has to take it or leave it when it comes to working through unfolding the fears neatly packed away. You do this by demonstrating your character through acts of consistency, and by giving your partner the space and the chance to do the same.
• The money sicheeashun: Ok, so you don’t have your dollars right, YET. Keep it real with yourself and your process. You may not be where you want to be just yet, but in the meantime, explore ways to still enjoy life to the fullest even with the lack of $$$ access. Nature, food fairs, free day at the museum, picnics, Groupon trips, a library card, the Zara end of summer/winter sales—we all have interests that bring us joy. Don’t let a couple dollaz get in the way of ’em.
LISTEN UP!
People have to be able to tell you their feelings in a rational way without you getting defensive. Don’t get me wrong, defense mechanisms are understandable and human. That clapback reflex that you feel is you coming face to face with the uncomfortable possibility that you could be wrong or disliked for being wrong. However, arrogance thrives if unchecked. So, if you’re truly ’bout it ’bout it, let them speak their truth, then you can decide if you should shift or nah.
VIEWS FROM THE MIDST
Insecurity is all about perspective. Change your approach, and you change your response to it. When you face the triggers that bring up your insecurities, you become more skilled at not only recognizing them, and knowing how to curtail them, but also how to dissolve them. Doing so opens the door to using your energy toward things/people that serve you, receiving the constructive criticism that helps you grow, and evolving the insight that will continue to push you toward excellence.
WOBBLEDY WOBBLEDY DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT
Don’t try to find stability on some wobbly shit. If someone doesn’t believe in themselves it is difficult to consider that they could truly believe in you.
BULLSHITTO NON GRATA
People will pass you their BS. PASS IT BACK. What I mean is, pay attention to what people show you about their own insecurities and how those can affect you. You’ll be busy taking something personally, not even realizing whoever you’re talking to is actually just deflecting their own insecurity back onto you. Get your ninja skills ready and Last Dragon them vibes to the left.
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel insecure about demanding they treat you right. When folks find your weak spot, that place where you’re most vulnerable, they may be inclined to flip it on you as a reason why you don’t deserve what you are demanding. You’ve heard the sentiment before, “She ain’t cute enough to be acting like that.” “How you poor but want to look nice?” etc. Your desire to excel and to be treated to a standard consistent with how you treat others is your right.
GEM DROPPIN’
Confidence vs. Arrogance
NO MATTER HOW WE’RE STEPPING OUT IN THE WORLD, we should all aspire to put our best foot forward. Insecurity, however, has a way of sneaking in and turning that step into a tiptoe, a shuffle, or even a Stanky Leg. It makes you second-guess yourself, doubt your moves, and can go so far as to force you into paralysis—if you let it! Everyone deals with the presence of insecurity differently. Some lean on facts, by either exploring what they know to be true internally or by seeking out information to strengthen their solidity on the subject (think: doing extra prep before a big job interview so you’re armed with not only facts about you, but also about the business). Others attempt to mask insecurity with false assurances, usually resembling overcompensation in some form or fashion (think: the 45th president, who’s always accusing everyone of lying or having no class to divert from the fact that he has no qualifications). The former exemplifies confidence, the latter describes arrogance. Because they both appear to be positions of strength, they can easily be mistaken for one another.
Confidence is rarely won without incident. Meaning it cannot truly be accomplished in a vacuum. For instance, yes, you can belt out SWV’s “Weak” in the privacy of your shower all damn day, but until you’ve actually stood in front of people and flawlessly done them Flo Jo runs up and down the record like Coko did, you aren’t truly confident in your ability to sing the song. You can read all the Game of Thrones books and feel secure in your knowledge of Westeros, but until you’ve debated whether or not House Stark really is superior to House Targaryen, do you truly have a handle on the topic? You can take Spanish classes all day, but until you’re in Cuba and this fine-ass papi is trying to speak to you and your ability to properly converse is the determining factor in whether you leave the club alone or with a Ha
vana boo, you don’t truly know if you’ve mastered the language. This is because confidence is developed not just by learning, but by living with what you’ve learned and providing empirical proof that you are not an imposter but someone with a true grasp on what you seek to demonstrate knowledge of.
Ask yourself, what am I confident about? The majority of your answers will be related to things you’ve been committed to and seen various sides of at various levels of experience. A couple things I’m confident in: public speaking, frying plantains, and giving head. All three were born from a genuine interest, developed through practice, and honed with precision resulting in positive responses from my delivery of each. The confidence therein comes from not just how well I can do them, but how experienced I am at doing them. That is why repetition is a vital part of the process for actors, athletes, pilots, etc. Not just because of the muscle memory you gain, but also because of the mental security of knowing, for a fact, that you have given your consistent attention to this skill and earned its ease. The best pep talks don’t require much more than simply reminding yourself of the certainty that you’ve done this shit before, you’re gonna do it again, and, having examined your missteps, this time it will be better. The confidence comes from acknowledging not only what you feel, but what you know. When I find myself feeling insecure and nervous or doubting my ability to do something, I go to those facts. Confidence is quiet and peaceful, drawn from a reservoir of assurance that you cultivate from within.
Arrogance is loud. It’s what happens when instead of settling insecurity with fact, one tries to silence it with ego. It comes from a place of distraction and denial. It is a mask of fraudulence that the wearer dons in an attempt to prevent themselves and others from seeing the truth of their own human condition, which inherently includes fear and vulnerability. In other words, it’s a really annoying self-defense mechanism. You’ve seen arrogance before. It’s always the ones saying TOO. MUCH. while actually doing THE. LEAST. Throwing their bravado all over the damn place like when rappers screw up your hair by spraying the crowd with champagne. NOBODY LIKES THAT. Insecurities will always find their way into the light through arrogance. It’s the mean girl who always has something to say about somebody because in actuality she doesn’t like herself. It’s the dude who brags about how good he is in bed when really he’s a “fast pumper” and instead of doing the work to create intimacy with you, he’s more interested in beating up your box. (My vagina is not the face of the girl-bully who stole your chicken nuggets every day of seventh grade!) It’s the person who isolates themselves by saying, “I didn’t come here to make friends,” when they’re simply just scared they won’t make friends. The barrier created by arrogance gets in the way of true connections and constructive criticism, both of which are needed to continue to elevate our self-awareness and the attainment of our desires.
The thing is, in this growing world of daily digital demonstrations, it can be increasingly difficult to tell who’s arrogant and who’s confident. The truth is in the foundation of someone’s presentation. For instance, a person can approach you for a date and express confidence in themselves and their ability to speak to you, their romantic interest. The arrogance shows when the approach is done in such a way that assumes that you’d be foolish to say no. The arrogance that says, anyone who doesn’t respond in kind is flawed is an insecurity-based shroud used to protect them from rejection. The thing is, when we’re experiencing our own lows beneath the weight of self-doubt, the boastfulness associated with arrogance can seem empowering. Fake it ’til you make it, right?! Different situations call for different tactics, but when it comes down to it, you will inevitably have to show up and show out, so better to root your footing in what you know than in a pretense that only makes it seem like you know.
Too often confidence is mislabeled as arrogance by those intimidated by someone who is self-assured. “You think you’re all that,” has been echoed by many a girl in a schoolyard to another girl who she feels is vibrating way too high for the comfort of her and her surrounding prepubescents. Society is so fear-riddled and hierarchical that many feel only certain types of folks deserve confidence. When that hierarchy of who is “deserving” is disrupted, and someone who is seen as undeserving dares to exude confidence, the instinctive thing for many to do is to try to test that person or dismantle their self-worth by attempting to trigger their insecurity. When I told my third grade teacher that I wanted to be “the first black female president of the United States of America,” she guffawed and wrote a note home saying I was “overconfident.” As a young black child in an Orlando, Florida, school, she felt I did not have the right to set my sights so high, and she therefore sought to suppress my belief in myself. Sixteen years later I found myself in a meeting with a very high-profile television producer who, baffled at the clear and intellectual answers I had to his myriad of professional (and unprofessional) questions, told me he found me “overconfident.” I pointed out to him that to say I’m overconfident suggested that I was overreaching regarding my ability to deliver on what I was promising. However, I was speaking based on what I know I can do, because I’ve done it. In both cases, the absence of fear and the presence of assurance was a threat that they felt they needed to smite out, which only served to reveal their own arrogance. Had I demonstrated insecurity, they would have considered me easier to manipulate.
Not today, devil. Don’t let anyone gas your arrogance, and don’t let anyone undermine your confidence by saying you’re immodest. Confidence does not negate humility. In fact, it breathes it. It is the humility in your confidence that allows for growth and learning for which arrogance does not allow space.
Everyone is insecure about something, but you can find confidence in simply knowing your insecurities and facing them. I call it “8 Mile-ing” à la Eminem’s character in the film of the same name and his tactic to call out his own issues before allowing someone else to belittle him with them. In a nutshell, confidence is knowing that whatever way the wind blows, you got this. Arrogance is believing that you’re beyond the reach of the wind. Truth be told, no one is. Anyone who thinks they are is lying to themselves. Don’t let ’em sell that lie to you.
Titty Pics
THAT ONE TIME
I don’t send nude pics. Never been my thing. I could claim that it’s because I refuse to objectify myself before the male gaze, or because I exercise a high level of discretion and am too responsible to allow for images of my body to make their way to the masses. You’d believe me if I said either of those. But if I’m being honest, the true reason I don’t send nudes is because I’m insecure about how my boobs look in photos!
Listen, blame it on me being an overachiever, or plain old fear, but if I’m going to send a topless pic I want it to look Louvre-worthy: a masterpiece of areolic proportions, a tit-ular triumph, so to speak! However, only once have I been able to attain a pic even remotely resembling that. Otherwise all attempts have been off-kilter captures with one boob perky and in place, looking dead on, damned near smizing into the lens and the other looking off to the left like it hears its phone in the other room. No matter the angle, this always happens. Both boobs are photogenic in their own right, but they can’t seem to get on the same page at the same time! My left breast is like that one girl in your friend group who has to Beyoncé every situation and stand out from the crowd, “I know we all said we were wearing white, but red is my color!” It simply wants to do its own thing and in turn makes any photos look like I’m doing performance art of a surrealist piece aptly titled, “Melting THOT.” Therefore, I have yet to snap and send.
Imagine if I did. Imagine if I dug into the facts and said, “Amanda! This is silly! It is incredibly common for dem tiddaysss to operate on individual agendas. Also, let’s be real, guys don’t give a damn. They’re just happy you didn’t send them a dissertation text that they’re going to have to decipher! Your breasts are beautiful, no matter what!” All truths! Then, imagine if, now confident in what I can lean
on as reality, I toss my insecurity to the wayside, like an evil underwire bra after eight-plus hours of confinement, muster up the moxie, snap a selfie, and send it on through. Imagine if, on the receiving end of said selfie, the receiver opens his phone, takes the image in, in its full glory, and replies with a thumbs-up emoji? A THUMBS-UP EMOJI?!?! I WOULD COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND. Alarms would sound, whistles would blow, animals would begin behaving strangely as if they can sense a shift in seismic waves or the (inevitable) arrival of extraterrestrial beings! Because, were I to surmount this insecurity over the photographing and sharing of my unwieldy mammary glands and follow through with a digital delivery, I would require a grand-gesture level of appreciation! For instance, a reply involving a rhyming pattern of some sort, akin to Shakespeare or Shabba Ranks that went something like:
Titties so round
Titties so brown
Make me wanna
Lick you up and down
It’s only right!
That said, since I have yet to achieve that jedi level of security in the hooters department, I’ve archived the one shot I managed to snare and will eventually share it with one who is deserving. Until then, I keep my titty cards close to my chest, literally.
Small Doses Page 25
