SIDE EFFECTS OF
Individualism
There is only one you
Combined of bold hues
Define yourself
Based on your own truths.
NAY CRAY
The world is made up of billions of people, yet so many find it odd that you would have the audacity to be different. That’s how “witches” got burned at the stake. It’s why there needs to be an LGBTQ community. It’s why that one girl in your high school who always wore Renaissance dresses to class was considered a “weirdo” instead of an “innovator.” So many folks are afraid of anyone who doesn’t look/think/act like them. You’re not an alien. Don’t let them make you feel crazy. Let their fear empower you to be fearless.
SOLO DOLO
Walking your own path is not for the faint of heart. Literally, if you have a faint heart, you need a buddy, because life is hard, even when walking the paths most trodden. When you are “marching to the beat of your own drum” you are cutting the bush from the path yourself. It can wear you out. Be fair to yourself. Take breaks. Rest your mind. So that when you get back to it you can work smarter, not harder, to get to where you want to go.
CHECK YASELF, BEFORE YOU WRECK YASELF
DON’T LET OTHER PEOPLE’S WACKNESS DIMINISH YOUR DECENCY. No really though, often we allow the poor judgement, limited consideration, and pure shade of others to make us think that it’s okay to return those sentiments. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes even when it ain’t ok, it just feels good. I get it. But the whole “being the bigger person” thing is really about not letting someone else’s behavior influence you into acting beneath your character.
IT’S ALL RELATIVE
DRASTIC MOVES CREATE DRASTIC CHANGE. Think of it like Newton’s third law of motion: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you find yourself stuck or static, it can be the perfect time for a shake-up. Whether that means diving deeper into a complexity that scares you or a simplicity that seems like regression, an intentional move in a pointed direction can often be the action that gives you the repositioned perspective you need to see your new path.
BISH GET OFF ME!
Don’t let yourself become ensnared in other people’s limitations. Your vision is bigger than their moment. So often folks deliver advice based on their terms. Too often folks make predictions based on their own experiences. Hella often folks react to their own fears, not to your truth. Learn to tell the difference. This is the art of choosing the battle. The finesse of dodging the distraction. The foresight to overcome the obstacle. On your path, people will be all of these things and will cause all of these things based on nothing having to do with you. Rise above them by remaining so rooted in your goal that they only shake some leaves from the tree, but never topple its growth.
BENZ OR BEAMER?
You’re only high-maintenance to those unprepared for high quality. The only people I’ve ever had tell me I’m “high-maintenance” are those who think little of themselves. Your circle is a reflection of who you are as an individual. If they don’t get it, it’s not for them.
IT’S YOURS
Your story isn’t less valid because you haven’t seen tragedy, nor is it tainted because you have. We’re all here trying to get through this thing called life, and everything is relative. Yes, some have more privilege than others, some have seen more tragedy than others, and we should all be aware and compassionate to the unique experiences around us. However, everybody’s experience is theirs, and your story, though perhaps seemingly trite to someone else, is authentically your experience to acknowledge.
LIST IT!
WHAT ARE SOME ASPECTS OF YOURSELF THAT YOU CONSIDER TO BE UNIQUE?
Some of mine are:
• I am a fearless speaker. I’ll say whatever needs to be said, in any room.
• I am able to reference resources across a wide spectrum, from pop culture to sports to Shakespeare to history and beyond!
• I have a seemingly endless ability to bounce back from heartache and still believe in romantic love.
There are various factions in this world that seek to control people by unifying them under a banner of sameness. Religion, race, class—all have been used to diminish individual thought in order to enforce mass messaging that doesn’t always serve the many and usually empowers the few. Even if you are religious, identify as a race, and have been relegated to a class, ask questions. Identify what gives you peace, and what gives you pause. Consider the fact that things are how they are because they were made that way, and if they can be better, it’s on us to make that change.
Normal does not mean better.
Weird does not mean strange.
Simple does not mean stupid.
Different does not mean odd.
Individual does not mean alone.
GEM DROPPIN’
Selfish vs. Self-Aware
WHEN YOU WATCH THE SAFETY VIDEO at the beginning of any flight they always say the same thing: “Secure your own mask before helping others.” At first listen it’s like, “Dammmnn that’s cold-blooded!” What if there’s a crying baby next to you? Or a bilateral-below-the-elbow amputee? Or a passed-out passenger who had one too many vodka tonics? Is it shitty to not look out for them before looking out for yourself? From a certain angle some might say, “Hell yes!,” but to my understanding of the ethical logic, and the FAA’s logic, the idea is that if you take care of your own mask, and make sure your oxygen is flowing, then you’re much better equipped to help others. That’s an example of being self-aware. Now, if your mask isn’t working, and you take the baby’s mask without sharing, that’s an example of being selfish (and also, evil—it’s a BABY!). There is absolutely nothing wrong with being self-aware about your needs so you can be your best self, but lately the term selfish has been misused as a course-correction for someone taking control of their lives, getting focused, or “doin’ bad all by themselves,” and it needs to get cleared up! Selfish is knowing yourself and making self-serving or harmful-to-others decisions in spite of that knowledge. Self-aware is knowing yourself and making informed decisions based on that knowledge.
I’m not sure when it happened. Maybe it was post–Waiting to Exhale or pre–Eat, Pray, Love, like, around the time on The Hills when LC’s boss told her, “You’ll always be known as the girl that didn’t go to Paris” because she made the lame decision to stay in LA for the summer with her bum BF, but the whole “I’m selfish” movement really took off. At some point, saying “I’m selfish” became all the rage. It seemed like everywhere I turned someone was taking ownership of their selfishness as a declaration of their dedication to focus on career, decide not to have children, break up with you (I literally had a guy tell me, “I’m in love with you but you can’t be a priority right now. I need to be obsessed with myself”), you name it! The phrase has become more common than a pair of Timbs on a New York 2 train, and it’s never sat right with me. I’m all for the reclaiming of words, but in this case it isn’t actually a reclaiming of anything. In fact, as far as I can tell, it’s simply a new way to excuse bad behavior, which, btw, is still problematic, whether you claim it unapologetically or not. It’s like when people say, “Well, at least I was honest,” after saying some egregiously shitty shit. You don’t get points for the honesty because the honesty doesn’t unshit the shittiness! “I’m selfish” is in the same boat.
Selfishness is wack. It’s all about caring about yourself, but its root is in doing so regardless of how that makes that others feel. Here’s the thing: No one exists in a vacuum. We’re all here together. Yes, there are situations when you have to narrow your focus and diminish all distractions, but that can be done in a way that doesn’t hurt others. When you encounter a selfish person, be aware that they only want you to thrive if it is best for them.
Unlike selfish, self-aware is not used enough. You can claim to be selfish all day, but that doesn’t mean you know yourself. In comes self-awareness. Self-awareness is how you know w
hen you’re ready to date again after a bad breakup. Self-awareness is knowing that when you drink too much you cry and ruin the party, so you just babysit a glass of champagne all night ’cause no self-aware person wants to be all “Terms of Endearment Tammy” in the corner. Self-awareness is knowing that as an artist, you can sometimes be a lot, and respecting that not all spaces have enough “room” for that. Self-awareness is great. Not enough of our society has gotten rooted in it. Folks are so caught up with owning their raggedy “selfishess” that they fail to see the value in self-awareness. Its beauty lies in the fact that though it is completely about you, it does not diminish the value you place on others. Though the word self implies that it is solely individually focused, the addition of awareness broadens the scope to one of responsibility and accountability.
A classic example of selfish: the person who is not emotionally available yet will still date and pursue romantic partners, even though they have no intention of being in a romantic relationship. This is emotionally manipulative and downright inconsiderate, aka selfish. An example of being self-aware: to be in the same situation, but either letting your soon-to-be significant other know your emotional state from the jump, or simply not walking through that gate at all until you have equity to bring to the table. I hear people say, “I’ve decided not to have kids, I’m too selfish.” Well, are you? Or do your interests simply lie in a different place than the behemoth task of raising a human to adulthood, and thinking, in the event of an emergency, about putting your mask on first? Because if it’s the latter, you’re simply self-aware of what speaks to you and what interests you, and you have every right to feel that way without it being positioned as selfish. Selfish would be bringing a person into this world for a purpose that serves you (i.e., to futilely try to save your marriage [does this move ever work?], to get press as an irrelevant celeb, to have someone to force your ideals on, to make you feel purposeful) yet detracts from the child getting the attention, love, and time they need to thrive. The self-awareness of being about your shit has nothing to do with the selfishness of being about only your shit.
Listen, we all have at least a modicum of selfishness. You can’t think about everybody all the time. With so much trouble in the world, sometimes you simply have to put the blinders on regardless of people’s feelings in order to self-protect, to heal, or to quell outside distractions—but making it a way of life is no bueno. Self-awareness demonstrates growth. It informs you to be able to make responsible decisions. It is what you have when you are clear on who you are as a person in a room, a city, a country, the Earth, the Solar System, the Universe, the mind of God.
I’m Not for Everybody poem
THAT ONE TIME
UNTITLED
BY
LEAH HAPPI HAMILTON
I can’t remember the catalyst, but one day, my homegirl Leah casually penned this and sent it my way. It spoke so clearly and so succinctly to the space I inhabit that it has now been on the wall of three different homes I’ve lived in. May her words be the mantra for you that they have always been for me!
i mix my neon with my pastels
my zen with my most high
tequila with my vin du bougie
flip my daily codes and designs
intensity levels go up
every time i change my mind . . .
they have a choice to stay put or fly
i don’t regret it, they don’t forget it
FUCK EM DEEV
keep the spirit and stay AMPLIFIED!
SIDE EFFECTS OF
Therapy
It gets a bad rap as being
for the “crazy” or weak
But that couldn’t be any less true.
It takes courage and strength
To go to a therapist and commit
to working on YOU.
WHAT IS THERAPY?
Therapy is a massage for the brain. Everybody has issues. Therapy is about learning how to manage them and, in the best case, move past them. A lot of people think of therapy as lying on a couch while someone with a notebook sits beside you and answers your questions with more questions. Though that is a form of therapy, there are many different kinds—cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalysis, art therapy, etc. It’s important to explore the difference in styles and goals attached to the different types of therapy, to find out which is right for you right now. You may not find the right therapist out the gate. You may grow out of your therapist. It can be tedious, but it’s worth the effort to find someone who makes sense for your specific wellness journey. Regardless of whether or not you ENJOY it, therapy (of any kind), like eating healthy, meditating, reading, and travel, is good for you and deserves a place in your regimen.
ONLY YOU CAN SAVE YOU!
Going to a therapist is not about them telling you what to do or making decisions for you. It’s about them helping you learn how to make the best decisions for yourself. That is an ongoing process that you may never perfect but, as with anything, when you put time toward it you get better at it.
“THERAPY IS for CRAZY PEOPLE”
Crazy = irrational. Though there are mental disorders that can affect one’s ability to make rational decisions, there is nothing irrational about wanting to speak to a professional about how to better function in your skin and in society.
JESUS IS NOT A THERAPIST
Religion and spiritual spaces are a great resource for community, gathering and shared experiences, and some also provide counseling. However, they are not the same as the individual interaction between you and the objective party of a licensed therapist. You may feel more willing to be open and honest with someone who is not a part of your community and your personal space, whereas others feel safer speaking to someone who, as a pillar of their community, has presented themselves as a reliable resource for guidance. Different strokes work for different folks, but it is important to know and acknowledge these differences in order to manage your expectations and get the best outcome.
ACTIN’ BRAND-NEW
Like finally growing out that perm, therapy leads to a whole lotta new growth when the roots of your issues are revealed. In order to truly do the work, try your best to keep your mind malleable and flexible, open to change and new techniques, belief systems, and practices toward self-improvement. Some may say, “You switched up.” Nah, you wised up. Know that in this process you will hopefully evolve but that not everyone will evolve with you or at your same pace. Creating space from them doesn’t make you mean, it just makes you conscious of the fact that not everyone can breathe the air in your new climate.
You are your partner’s:
• Friend
• Companion
• Teammate
• Lover
• Therapist
You are your friends’:
• Confidante
• Road dawg
• Wing (wo)man
• Sounding board
• ATM
• Friend
• Teammate
• Therapist
Just because they are your family members does not mean your family members are your:
• Responsibility
Sometimes you gotta just body roll your way through the wackness.
BREAKIN’ DOWN THE BREAKDOWN
Mental health does not mean you are happy all the time. It does not mean that you are always at peace and serene. It does not mean that nothing bothers you. What it does mean is that you are able to be in touch mentally and emotionally with life’s ebb and flow, without becoming a victim of it. That is easier for some than others and easier at certain times than others. Be kind to yourself and be patient in understanding the unique idiosyncrasies and triggers you’re managing daily in order to manage life.
Dear black folks across the diaspora,
It is on us to address the ways in which our pasts, presents, and futures have, are, and will be affected by our unique place in society as black people. Contrary to popular belief, therapy is
not “for White People.” It was simply reserved for those who had the means and for far too long white people preserved the means and the benefits only for themselves. We, as black folks, have endured so much and passed down so much pain yet, far too often, we continue to overlook the value of mental health as an asset in stopping this cycle. We misnomer its work as an exercise of insanity when in actuality it’s a journey to self-discovery.
Never forget, the oppressor did not want you to read. They did not want you to write. They did not want you to have your own name. They did not want you to sing your songs or dance your dances. They did not want you to own property, or raise your own children, or have your own community, language, religion. They have never wanted you to truly know the extent of yourself, and what you possess, because once you know, you will fight for it. Not only is going to therapy and facing your issues one of the bravest things someone can do, it is revolutionary.
Amanda Seales
GEM DROPPIN’
Steady vs. Balance
YOU HEAR IT ALL THE TIME: “You must have balance to have peace.” On many levels, I get it. There is value to the thought process that suggests that when things are out of balance they create disruption and chaos. That leaning too much in any direction weighs one down and can get you off your square. It’s with this in mind that you set forth to do all you can to make sure nothing in your atmosphere is getting more attention than other things and that all elements of your life are working in harmony and then you’re like, “Wow, this balance shit is harder than I thought.” You beat yourself up. You question your path. You come back to the middle. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. At some point it dawns on you, “There must be another option!” There is: steady.
Small Doses Page 26
