Once and for All

by Sarah Dessen

  I didn’t, pushing through past idling engines, the distant sound of radios, the hushed whispers of another set of bystanders, now watching me.

  “Miss!” the cop yelled again. He was coming toward me now. I squeezed around a final bumper, feeling hot chrome on my leg, then looked to my right, where the EMTs were huddled over something bulky in the road, a blanket draped across it.

  Everything got slower, suddenly: the banging approach of the cop’s footsteps, the slow roll of a nearby car creeping forward, my own breath, now audible and jagged in my lungs. One of the paramedics was on his radio now, another racing along the opposite sidewalk with a gurney, wheels rattling. Every sound so specific and unique I already knew I’d remember it later, and forever. A sob escaped my lips, primal and terrifying, as I felt the cop grab my upper arm.

  “Miss!” he barked, pulling me back. “You cannot be here. Go back to the sidewalk.”

  “No,” I said. His broad shoulders and dark uniform were blocking my vision: all I could see was myself, thrashing, in the mirrored lenses of his sunglasses. The outside view, again, but this time I was fully within it as well. Why was it that you felt most alive at the moments so close to death? “You don’t understand.”

  I was out of control, I knew this. He had to seize my other shoulder as I continued to try to dodge past. “Can I get some help here?” he barked over my head. Finally, I craned my neck enough to see around him. The paramedic was replacing his radio slowly, exchanging a look with his partner, who wasn’t rushing anymore.

  No, I thought, a million memories spilling over in my brain all at once. That damp sand on the dark beach, a boy in a white shirt, billowing, the bouncy notes of a pop song ringtone. All familiar, like a slideshow I’d watched so many times. But then, as the cop gripped my arms, pushing me back, something else: a room full of flowers. A scruffy dog in my side view, his head out the window. Candles lit and then re-lit, a group of people moving on a makeshift dance floor. All those weddings, and kisses, and leave-takings, the faces of so many brides and grooms blurring in my head. Love is what it’s all about, William had said to me all those months ago, although at the time, these were just words. I wondered if he’d feel differently now. I knew I did. Because standing there, tears streaking my face, I would have given anything for another shot at what I’d passed up, uneven and imperfect as it was. Life didn’t begin cleanly, and it surely never ended that way. We were blessed with whatever we had in the middle. It made sense that it be messy, too.

  “Get back,” the cop shouted, pushing me off him with both hands, and then I did lose my grip, stumbling over my own feet and bumping against a parked car behind me. I could feel people looking at me, the sudden glare of attention as I came back into my own body and awareness, this here, this now. I put my hands to my face, sinking to my knees in the grass by the sidewalk, my feet throbbing beneath me. I was still there, huddled into myself, when I felt something scratchy and alive brush my cheek, then nose. I opened my eyes.

  Ira.

  “Hey,” I whispered, not quite sure he was real, even as I reached out, touching the wiry scruff at his neck. His tail, now waving, thumped the car behind him. “What are you—”

  A shadow fell over me then, and I looked up, past his wriggling body, to see Ambrose standing above me. I thought I might be dreaming until I saw the pink soda in his hand, along with the end of the dog’s leash, his wrinkled shirt, that one curl loose over his forehead in the heat. Not the idealized details of dreams or fantasies, but those of real life, this life. As he crouched down, his face worried, to get closer to me, he was about to say something, but I didn’t give him the chance. Already, I was reaching up, my arms tight around his neck, and I pulled him to me and pressed my lips against his. At first I could feel his surprise, but then he was responding, his hand moving through my hair, fingers against my neck. It was primal and epic, nothing like mellow, and as it went on for what felt like forever, I could hear traffic beginning to resume, Ira circling us, barking, the world moving on. This time, though, I was okay to be left behind a few minutes for a kiss, a beginning, my own walk, sunset or not. Whatever I was allowed.

  CHAPTER

  27

  “BEE? IT’S Louna. Can I come in?”

  No answer. I looked down at the water in my hand, then my watch, which told me we had ten minutes before the ceremony was supposed to begin. Reaching down, I tried the knob. When it turned, I gently pushed it open.

  “Bee?” I said again, peering inside. The room where she’d been getting ready was just above where the ceremony would take place, by the hotel’s infinity pool: I could see the chairs we’d lined up earlier, now filled with guests, through the window. “Are you in here?” Still, nothing.

  I pulled out my phone, ready to send a BRIDE AWOL text if necessary, then walked past the small sitting area, closer to the window. Down below, I could see William up by the flower-covered arch, checking his own watch. I saw him shoot a look down the aisle. A second later, my phone beeped. My mom.

  WHERE IS SHE?

  I walked over to the bathroom door, which was closed, and stood listening for a second. Nothing. Then, distantly, a sniffle. Shit.

  BATHROOM, I texted back. Then I knocked. “Bee?”

  A pause. “Yes?”

  “It’s Louna,” I said. “We, um, need to get downstairs.”

  “One sec.” I heard her blow her nose, which did not bode well, and looked at my watch again. When the door opened, though, she was smiling, even with a tissue in one hand.

  “I’m allergic to something, can you believe it?” she asked, turning back to the bathroom counter, where I saw an array of over-the-counter allergy medicines lined up. “My big day and I can’t stop sneezing.”

  “You still look beautiful,” I said. It was true: even with a bit of a red nose, her hair was perfect, pearly pink lipstick in place, clearly happy. Whew.

  She smiled at me. Then sneezed again. “Shoot,” she moaned, grabbing two more tissues out of the nearby dispenser. “This is not how I wanted this to go!”

  “It will be fine,” I said, handing her the water. “I bet once you get outside it will stop.”

  “That’s where most allergies originate, though,” she said, blowing her nose. “You forget I’m marrying a med student. Who probably did not expect, after all this planning and money, to be wed to someone whose nose is redder than a clown’s.”

  “I’m sure that is not what Kevin cares about,” I told her, bending down to fluff the bottom of her form-fitting, lace-covered dress around her shoes. “Weddings are about love, and love tolerates everything. Even red noses.”

  “Nicely put.” She cocked an eyebrow at me. “You’re good at your job.”

  “I was trained by the best,” I replied. “And I’ve got an extra pack of tissues. Slide one of these by your bouquet, and let’s go. You don’t want to keep everyone waiting.”

  Another sneeze, and she was following me out of the bathroom and then the room, as I texted ON OUR WAY to my mom. As I pushed the button for the elevator, she said, “I bet you have a lot of these kind of stories to tell, huh? Allergic brides. Cold feet. Missing grooms.”

  “Missing sons of brides,” I reminded her. “It was your brother I had to drag in from the parking lot, remember?”

  She sighed, making a face as the elevator doors slid open. “As if I could forget. You’re a saint for putting up with him, much less dating him.”

  “Well, it’s never dull,” I agreed.

  “What do you remember most, though?” she asked me, as we stepped inside. “Your best wedding story, ever. Humor me.”

  I had to think about it. There was the time the groom, nervous, stumbled backward into a pool during the vows. The mother-in-law who got drunk at the rehearsal dinner and made an hour-long toast, working her way around the room detailing every beef she had with guests in attendance. The missing ring bearer. The
Disaster. Distinct as they happened, now they all seemed like one big wedding, ongoing, leading all the way up to this one, my last for the near future. I left for school in six days.

  “There was this one girl,” I said, as the elevator creaked into motion. “Back in the spring. She was in tears, so scared. Asked me if I believed in true love lasting forever. It felt like a test.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  I thought back to Deborah, sitting on the floor of the anteroom, her expensive dress puffed out all around her. “Nothing,” I said. “I didn’t know what to say.”

  She looked at me, then down at the flowers she was holding, pink roses with white lilies, so fragrant I could smell nothing else. “Sounds intense. And maybe like a sign?”

  “Maybe,” I said. “But I’m hopeful it all worked out.”

  Just then, the doors slid open, and there was my mother with the bridesmaids and flower girl, all lined up with their backs to us, ready for the procession. But I was looking at the end of the line, to the boy in a black tux with a rogue curl on his forehead who now turned to face us, a smile breaking across his face. Seeing him, I knew what I’d say now if Debbie was again before me, posing this same question. I wouldn’t even hesitate.

  Yes. Definitely.

  As I passed by, Ambrose looped an arm around my waist, pulling me into him. “I’m thinking about falling backward into the pool,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Just to liven things up.”

  “We don’t need any more life. Just focus on your job,” I said, although I lingered in that spot, against him, that I’d come to love.

  “Says the person who is supposed to be off the clock,” he replied, although he did straighten up and get into formation. “You just can’t do it, can you?”

  “I can and I am,” I told him. Or at least I was trying.

  “Okay, let’s do this,” my mom called out, gesturing for Bee to get into her place next to Ambrose, who offered his arm, giving me a wink as he did so. I smiled as she took it, then moved around them to make my way to the doors that led to the patio. When I pushed them open, William gave the signal, and the string quartet by the pool began to play.

  I love this part, I thought as I moved up the side aisle to my seat in the third row. Technically I was a guest today, although old habits clearly did die hard. And that was just fine, I thought, turning with the rest of the crowd to face the aisle as the mother of the bride began her walk. It was rare for things to be perfect and organized anyway, even with your best efforts. Embrace the messy and when things do come together just right, you’ll always be pleasantly surprised.

  This was a lesson I’d been learning a lot in the last couple of weeks, as one thing after another did just that. First, there was Ambrose. We’d been together ever since that night of my party, although bringing him back to the house and telling Ben everything that had happened was, well, awkward to say the least. He’d been angry, and rightfully so, leaving with his roses and racket and a few choice words about my character. By that night, every picture of us was deleted from his profile, not that I’d expected differently. I could only hope he would forgive me someday, as well as find a girl with whom to make his own epic, real story.

  My mom and William were also still both coupled, bringing the number of our little band of cynics down to zero. We continued to let loose, though, when it came to brides, weddings, CGs, overbearing mothers-in-law, and people who charged the cupcakes before dinner was even served. As for Jilly, she was already crying about being separated from Michael Salem when she left for school at East U, even as I pointed out he would be less than an hour away, attending the U itself. Also, he drove a food truck, so was therefore mobile. On the upside for her, despite the naps, Mrs. Baker was not pregnant again. At least, not yet.

  As for me, I’d leave for school, too, while Ambrose stayed in Lakeview, enrolling in part-time classes at the U as well and, surprisingly, continuing to work for Natalie Barrett Weddings. He’d promised me he was going to get his driver’s license back, when the State of California allowed it, so he and Ira could make the short trip to see me when I couldn’t come back home. I knew long-distance relationships often didn’t work, especially new ones, but I wasn’t giving a lot of thought to endings. I’d had enough of those.

  And now here we were, with another wedding ceremony, so full of potential. Followed by the middle, with dancing and the toast, two hands holding a cake cutter, maybe even making a wish. And then the big finish. Well, you couldn’t beat that: cans tied to a shiny bumper, a bouquet lofted high in the air, that final wave as the car pulled away. Everything in weddings and life had its phases, and if you were smart, you learned to appreciate them all.

  What really mattered, though, were the people in those moments with you. Memories are what we have and what we keep, and I held mine close. The ones I knew well, like a night on the beach with a boy who would always live in my heart, and the ones yet to come with another. For now, though, I was choosing to believe we had time, plenty of it. But really, all I knew for sure was that somewhere soon in that long, messy middle stretching ahead, Ambrose would again reach out a hand, asking me to dance. And this time, I’d say yes.

  What’s next on

  your reading list?

  Discover your next

  great read!

  * * *

  Get personalized book picks and up-to-date news about this author.

  Sign up now.