Down Too Deep

by J. Daniels

  “Nobody.”

  “Oh.” Her eyes filled with sadness.

  I didn’t want this upsetting her. We always had a good time doing this. She’d ask questions. I’d answer them. She’d always smile. I wanted Olivia smiling now. And, obviously, I’d do a lot to keep this girl happy. Like tell her how excited I was about some guy taking her mother out.

  “How about we go out sometime?” I proposed, thinking Olivia might like that idea. “You can be my date.”

  She quickly nodded her head. She was back to grinning now. “Okay! We can go to the movies. That’s where I’d want to go.”

  “Really? You’re not afraid to get lice?”

  “Nope. I like bugs.”

  I chuckled. When Marley moved down the couch again and tried climbing into my lap, I picked her up. She stood on my thighs and bounced her turtle in the air.

  “Marley can go with us,” Olivia suggested sweetly.

  “Yeah?” I looked at my daughter. “Just me and my girls—what do you think, sweetheart? You in?”

  Marley tossed her turtle at my face. She squealed when I pulled her closer.

  “I’m not sure how to take that,” I grumbled, kissing her cheek. I felt Olivia scoot away from me, and when I turned to look at her, she had her back pressed against the arm of the couch so she was sitting sideways now, her legs stretched out between us and her toes digging into my leg. She frantically flipped through the pages of her notepad, settled on one and smiled when she found it. Then she quickly jotted something down.

  When she peered up at me, I narrowed my eyes and asked, “What are you writing?”

  “Nothing!” she shrieked, flattening the notepad against her stomach.

  She broke into laughter when I wrapped my hand around her knee and gently tugged her closer. I squeezed her side until she twisted and squealed. Marley crawled over her, the two of them giggling. It was really fucking cute.

  “I’m going to go talk to your mom,” I said, standing from the couch.

  “Okay.” Olivia closed her notepad and swapped it out for her iPad again. She climbed on the cushion beside Marley.

  “Sit with Olivia, sweetheart,” I said, kissing Marley’s head.

  I padded across the room and moved into the kitchen, heading for the fridge. Jenna was still on the phone. I grabbed a bottled water out of the door, twisted the cap off, and took a drink. When Jenna glanced over at me, I gestured, offering her a beverage.

  She shook her head, a soft smile lifting her mouth, then spoke into the phone. “Okay, sounds good. I will. Love you too.” She disconnected the call and set her phone on the counter. “Hey. Sorry. It was my parents.”

  “Do they ever try to get you to go back to Denver?” I asked, moving to stand across from her.

  Jenna was wearing the yellow top she wore that first day in my office. She looked good in yellow. She looks good in everything. Her hair fell in a braid in front of her shoulder.

  “Not really,” she said. “I think they know they couldn’t convince me even if they tried. I like it here too much.”

  “That’s a relief.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you’d have no issues finding someone to watch Marley for you if you needed it.”

  “I’d hope not, but I’m not talking about that.” I watched her above the bottle as I took another drink. A flush colored her cheeks. “So, this date—Olivia said it’s happening tomorrow…”

  “Yep.”

  “Where’s he taking you?”

  “I don’t know yet. I just know he’s picking me up at six. I didn’t ask where we were going.”

  “And the kids are staying over at your brother’s house for the night.”

  I squeezed the back of my neck, wincing through a head roll. I was tense as fuck just thinking about that. Jenna could go home with this guy. Maybe she’d invite him back to her place. There was no reason why this date couldn’t last all night.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, watching me carefully.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I dropped my arm.

  “Are you sure? You seem…stressed.”

  “Why would I be stressed? I’m just tired,” I lied. “Long day.”

  “What are your plans tomorrow? Are you and Marley doing anything?”

  I glanced into the family room when my daughter laughed at something Olivia was doing. “Just going over to my parents’ house,” I said. “They haven’t seen her in a while. She’s spending the weekend with them.”

  “That’ll be nice.” Jenna smiled when our eyes met. “So you’ll have some time to yourself.”

  “Looks like it.”

  “Mm. Maybe you should go out on a date.”

  My brows lifted. I watched the smile pull from Jenna’s mouth and her hands slide off the counter. Her reaction was immediate, like she hadn’t even considered her words until she heard them herself.

  “I don’t know why I said that,” she rushed out. “I mean, you could if you wanted to…obviously. She better not try anything though.” Jenna narrowed her eyes playfully.

  Speaking of that…

  “He better not try anything either.”

  “Travis?”

  “If that’s his name, yeah.”

  “Like what? What would he try?”

  “Something you don’t want.” I set the bottle on the counter and flattened my hands on the granite. “You know you don’t have to do anything with this guy, Jenna. There’s no obligation here. You could eat and leave, and he better be grateful for that. If he tries anything you don’t want to do—”

  “Nathan,” she cut me off before a threat slipped out of my mouth. Her pretty green eyes jumped between mine. “I know. And he wouldn’t do that.”

  I pushed breath in and out of my nose. My chest was heaving now.

  Get it together, Nathan. Jesus. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  I was jealous, and I had zero fucking right to react this way. Waiting the two months wasn’t solely Jenna’s idea—I’d agreed to it. Hell, I’d told her it was probably for the best. I didn’t know if I was ready to start something with Jenna, and until I was, we couldn’t go beyond friendship.

  She deserved to go out and enjoy a nice time. And I couldn’t say shit about it. I needed to back off.

  “Sorry.” I held her eyes. “Like I said—I’m just tired.”

  Jenna nodded like she was buying my excuse.

  I walked them to the door after paying Jenna for the day. She gave Marley a kiss and told me she’d see me next week.

  I wanted to see her tomorrow. I almost told her not to go through with this date.

  I held Marley on the porch and watched the car drive down the street and disappear over the hill. Then I closed the door and dropped my head against it.

  * * *

  It was a little after eight thirty when I left my parents’ house Friday night.

  Even though Marley was excited to spend the night with her grandparents, I almost changed my mind and drove all the way back over there to get her. Marley was my only distraction. I knew there would be nothing stopping me from pacing my entire fucking house the rest of the night.

  Jenna was two and a half hours into her date, which was no time at all if she was planning on spending the entire night with this guy.

  I began to dissect her evening as I drove. I thought about everything—from where he’d taken her to what she wore. I was certain she looked incredible, and there was no way he wouldn’t be into her. The only way this prick was staying friend-zoned was if she forced it or if one of them backed out of this thing at the last minute.

  I began to consider that possibility. I turned it over in my mind. It became an obsession. What if Jenna never went through with this date?

  Reaching out with a text would be an easy way to get the answer I was suddenly desperate for. And we were friends…I could simply be checking in.

  At the next red light, I palmed my phone and typed out the message.

  How’s the date going?

  My th
umb hovered over the screen. What the fuck am I doing? I deleted the text and tossed my phone on the passenger seat.

  Any way I tried to spin this, sending that text made me a douche bag. I wouldn’t be checking in for friendly reasons. Fuck that. There was nothing friendly about what I wanted with Jenna. I needed to leave her alone tonight.

  The light turned green, and I sped through the intersection.

  Chapter Seventeen

  JENNA

  I don’t know how you do it,” I said, looking over at Travis as he drove. “I can barely handle it when my children get a scrape. I can’t imagine operating on someone.”

  “Well, these aren’t my kids I’m operating on. Besides, I started pretty young. I used to cut animals open when I was little.”

  “What?”

  He smiled over at me. “Tell me you don’t believe that…”

  “I thought you were serious!” I laughed, dropping my head against the seat. “Our family dog went missing when I was seven. I was beginning to panic.”

  Travis chuckled as he pulled off the main road and into the parking lot surrounding my apartment complex. It was nearly eleven, though it didn’t feel that late. I’d had a nice evening with Travis. He was easy to talk to, we got along well, and the restaurant had great food and an incredible view of the bay. Our evening flew by.

  “Thanks again for tonight. I had a nice time,” I said as he pulled into a space in front of my building.

  “Yeah, me too. It was fun.” He shifted into park and peered through the windshield. The corner of his eye crinkled. “Unless men typically sit out here waiting for you, I’m assuming that’s the guy?”

  “Huh?” I looked away from Travis and followed his gaze. My back straightened away from the seat.

  Oh my God.

  Nathan was seated on the steps leading to my apartment, hunched forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. He was staring directly at us.

  My breaths grew quicker. What was he doing here? I thought, but immediately wondered if I already knew the answer. In my heart I hoped I did.

  “Um, yeah, that’s him,” I said, offering Travis a gentle smile he returned without hesitation.

  He knew. I’d shared everything with Travis during the phone call when I accepted his invitation out tonight. It was one thing to take him up on an offer to hang out, but it was another thing entirely to lead him on.

  Even though I’d originally wanted to go out with him, my heart wasn’t in dating other people right now. Going out on the actual date hadn’t changed my feelings either. I really did like Travis, but I knew I couldn’t give him anything more. We’d agreed to go out as friends.

  “I can still walk you to your door,” he offered.

  God, what a great guy. Some lucky woman was going to land herself a freaking catch with this one.

  “That’s okay. Thank you though.” I reached out and squeezed his arm. “Good night.”

  “Good night, Jenna.”

  I opened the car door and stepped out, walking toward my building. My heels clicked against the pavement.

  Nathan remained seated on the step, watching Travis’s car as it pulled out of the parking lot. Then he turned his head and looked at me.

  His dark eyes were serious and studied me as I approached, but his brows were relaxed. He wasn’t clenching his jaw. His mouth wasn’t tight. His shoulders weren’t tense. I was anticipating one version of Nathan and staring at another. He looked almost embarrassed to be here, and in the same breath, relieved to see me.

  I stopped right in front of him.

  “I didn’t know if you’d come home or not,” he said.

  “How long would you have waited here if I didn’t?”

  Nathan sat up a little and shook his head. The corner of his mouth twitched. Maybe he didn’t want me knowing that answer. Maybe he didn’t want to admit it to himself.

  I reached for his hand as I climbed the steps. “Come on.”

  Nathan pushed to his feet. Our palms slid together, and we held on with equal pressure as we walked side by side up the five flights of stairs.

  “How was your date?” he asked while I unlocked the door.

  I pushed it open, stepped inside, and secured it behind us. I turned to him after I flicked on the lights and dropped my purse on the small table along the wall.

  “Did you really come over here to ask me about my date, Nathan?”

  Instead of answering, he slowly trailed his eyes down my body and back up, as if he were just now noticing what I was wearing. The baby-blue dress I’d chosen for tonight cinched at my waist and flared out around my thighs. It was strapless and light. The perfect summer dress.

  “You’re taller,” Nathan observed.

  I glanced down at my four-inch sandals. “Well, this guy I know likes to joke about how short I am. He even gave me a nickname for it.” I peered up at him. “Because of that, I’m a little self-conscious about my height.”

  Nathan’s eyes grew wider behind his glasses. “I hope you’re joking. I never meant any of that as an insult.”

  “I know you didn’t. And I am kidding. I like wearing heels.”

  “You look beautiful.” His gaze moved all over me. “I thought I’d be prepared for this—Olivia warned me about how you dress up for dates, wear your makeup ‘all fancy,’ I believe were her words. And something about hair accessories…”

  I smiled and ran my finger along the jeweled pin beside my temple. “She hooks me up. I’m pretty sure my daughter owns every hair accessory ever invented.”

  “All night, sitting out there, I’ve tried to picture this.” Nathan shook his head, as if he were in a daze.

  “Is that why you’re here? So you could see what I looked like tonight?”

  “I think you know why I’m here.”

  “And I think I’m going to need to hear you say it.”

  Nathan stood taller. His shoulders lifted as he pulled in a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  I approached him slowly. A difficult task when I wanted to run at him.

  “I can’t stop thinking about you either,” I said, stopping when our shoes nearly touched. “I know this whole waiting thing was my idea, but you also said we should stop. You said it was for the best. And then when I told you about this date and wanted you to give me a reason why I shouldn’t go through with it, you said there wasn’t one.”

  “I have no right to tell you not to go out on dates, Jenna.”

  “But you can’t stop thinking about me,” I argued. “And you’re here right now.”

  “I know.”

  “You had a reason to give me. Why didn’t you just say it?”

  “I couldn’t,” he said, sounding frustrated now. I could hear the sharp breaths leaving him. “I want you to be happy. You love dates. You get excited about them—Olivia told me you do. And I was still trying to work through how I feel…I didn’t know if I was ready for this. And it’s not just because you’re the first woman I’ve wanted to be with since Sadie died. I’m not just talking about being attracted to you and wanting you physically. Jenna, I know what this could become. I wasn’t sure I could do it yet. And if I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t tell you not to go through with this date. I couldn’t tell you how it made me feel when I found out your kids were staying with your brother all night. I couldn’t say shit about any of it.”

  “Are you still trying to work through it?”

  “No.” He reached out and gently held my waist, drifting closer but stopping before any other part of him touched any other part of me. “I wouldn’t be here if I were.”

  I flattened my hands to his chest. His heart pounded against my palm. “It’s a good thing I came home, then.”

  “I’m glad you did, but I would’ve waited out there all night—you have to know that.”

  Now my heart was pounding.

  “Look, I don’t really want to ask about your date, but I’m not going to lie to you—I need to know if yo
u hit it off with this guy.” His fingers tensed on my back. “If you’re into him…or if you’re not sure yet but you want to find out, tell me.”

  The worry in his voice was so honest and raw, it tore at me. “I went out with Travis as a friend. I’m not interested in anything more with him.”

  Nathan frowned instantly. “That was a friend date?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is that why he didn’t walk you to the door? Because he fucking should’ve.”

  I studied his eyes and the crease in his brow. “That really bothers you, doesn’t it?”

  “The way someone treats you? If they don’t do it right—yes, it bothers me.”

  “Travis offered to walk me to my door. I told him not to.”

  “Why?”

  “There was this guy sitting outside. You might’ve seen him. Glasses. Totally my type. Only thing missing was a backward hat. I’m such a sucker for those.” I slid my arms around his neck and molded to his front. There was nothing but breath between us now. “If I had a choice, I wanted him walking me to my door tonight. Not Travis.”

  “What are you doing?” Nathan peered down between us, at our bodies pressing together. “What about the whole money issue?”

  “You technically touched me first.”

  “I also kept space between us for a reason.” His eyes lifted and locked onto mine. “Jenna, I can’t wait and do this with you. I can’t feel you again and then…”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t wait. Is it really what either of us wants?”

  “Well, I sure as hell don’t want it.”

  “Don’t pay me, Nathan.”

  “Jenna.” He sighed and shook his head. “You know how I feel about that…”

  “Please don’t pay me. Please,” I begged, voice dropping to a whisper. I sounded desperate all of a sudden because I was. “You pay people who do a job for you, but Marley has never been a job to me,” I explained. “I want to be around her, and on the days I’m not, I miss her, Nathan. I miss her like I miss my own kids. Being with her never feels like something I have to do. It’s something I want to do. Don’t pay me anymore. I don’t want your money.”