Down Too Deep

by J. Daniels

  “Jenna.” Her name was a plea on my lips.

  “No. Please, don’t. I can’t do this. I’m not just looking for someone for me, you know? And maybe you’re ready to move on and date. That’s one thing, Nathan. But I don’t think you’re ready for me and my kids. You have no idea how deep into this they are already. Oliver worships you. I see the way he looks at you. He wants to be your son. He wants to throw like you and be as tall as you are. And Olivia, oh my God, she made this list in her little notebook. She wrote down all the reasons why you would be the best dad for her. She’s so in love with you, Nathan. They both are. And for six days you let them think you didn’t feel the same about them. You’re not ready.”

  “Yes, I am.” I stepped closer, grateful when she didn’t move back. “I am ready.”

  “They needed you, Nathan.”

  “I need them. I need all three of you.” I hovered my hand above her cheek. “God, please, let me…I messed up, Jenna. I’m sorry. Let me fix this.”

  She stared into my eyes as she wiped her own tears away. She wouldn’t let me do it. I lowered my arms and looked at her. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.

  “Brian is going to take Oliver camping on Friday. I already asked him to.”

  My muscles tensed. I suddenly couldn’t breathe.

  “No,” I rasped. I wanted to scream it. “Let me take him.”

  “I called you two days ago.” Her voice vibrated. “I asked you to let me know if you were going to take him or not and you didn’t. I should’ve stopped you when you agreed to do it and said it wasn’t a big deal, because it is a big deal. To Oliver and to me.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that, come on.”

  “How could you mean it, Nathan?” Her tone was incredulous. “You were literally saying it wasn’t a big deal…”

  “I only said it like that because I wanted you to let me take him. Do you think I didn’t see what that meant to you? I knew you weren’t sure about it, and I wanted you to be sure, of me. I want to take him, Jenna. Let me take him.”

  She thought for all of a second and shook her head. “It’s not a good idea.”

  “Why?”

  “I already told you why. You aren’t ready for this.”

  “And I already told you—I am ready. I wouldn’t push this if I wasn’t. I would never purposely hurt those kids.”

  When more tears streamed down Jenna’s face, I went to reach for her, but she held me back with her hand on my chest.

  I grunted. “This is killing me. I want to hold you.”

  “I wanted you to hold me yesterday. Where were you then?”

  I pressed my lips together. Fair point. “Listen to me, okay?” I said. “I made a mistake, and I’m probably going to make more. Maybe a lot more. I’m not perfect, Jenna. And that family you want, the one I’m going to give you, it won’t be perfect either, but I swear to God, it’s going to be everything.”

  Her breath caught and started hiccupping. “Nathan, please don’t make promises to me like that.”

  I held her face with both hands, and she didn’t stop me that time.

  “I love you and I love those kids, and I will fix this.” I stared deep into her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to see how much I need all three of you. You won’t question it again.” I wiped her tears away with my thumbs. She let me.

  Progress.

  “I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m still not sure.”

  Slight setback. I could handle it.

  “So I’ll get you there.”

  “It might take me a while…or forever. I don’t know. You really hurt us, Nathan.” She pulled my hands away. “I think you should just go. I can’t talk about this any more tonight.”

  “I need to say something to them. Can I come in first?”

  “Um…I don’t know.”

  “Jenna, I just want to apologize. That’s it. I won’t tell them I’m in love with you.” I paused when her head snapped up. “And I won’t tell them I love them, even though I really fucking love them. It’s a three-way tie with Marley at this point. Nobody’s in the lead. That could change though, once I see this list Olivia made…”

  “Nathan.” Her eyes flared with panic.

  “I won’t say any of that, just apologies. I promise.” I smiled at her.

  She did not smile back.

  Holy shit, I loved this woman.

  “This isn’t funny,” she said, her tone sharp.

  “I didn’t think it was.”

  “You’re joking around though.”

  “No, I’m not. I meant every word I just said to you.”

  She blinked, not expecting to hear that. Then she pulled in a slow, deep breath through her nose. She was back to gripping the strap across her body. I was hoping that meant she wanted to hug me and was fighting against it.

  “Okay,” she said. “You can apologize, but then you need to go.”

  “Agreed.”

  “And you need to make it clear that we aren’t together anymore.” I gave her a look. She gave it right back. “I’m serious. I don’t want them getting their hopes up.”

  “Am I allowed to make it sound like I want us to be together?”

  “No.”

  Fuck. “Okay.” I scratched at my jaw, thinking. “What about alluding to the probability of us getting back together once I fix this…?”

  “That would absolutely get their hopes up, Nathan. No.”

  “Jenna, you know those kids. They’re going to ask what’s going on. I’ll be lucky if I can get an apology out before they fire a million questions at me. And I don’t want to make it sound like I’m no longer in their lives. That will fucking kill me to say and it’ll hurt them to hear it. You know it will. I’ll tell them we aren’t together right now if that’s what you want, but if Olivia asks me if I’m fixing this, I want to tell her I am. Same goes with Oliver—if he asks me if I’m still going on Friday, I want to tell him I’ll be there, that I would never fucking miss it. I’ll be honest with them, I swear, but my honesty has hope in us. I know we end up together.”

  Jenna stared at me for the longest moment. “Okay, that’s…fine, I guess. I don’t want them getting hurt either.” She went to turn away but doubled back, adding, “You can hope for things, but you can’t guarantee them. No promises.”

  “I need you to be more specific on that, because I can guarantee I’m doing everything I can to get you back. I can promise that, Jenna.”

  “No promises we’re getting back together. You can’t tell them that.”

  “Fine.”

  Jenna hurried past me then and climbed the steps. I trailed behind, catching up to her, and skidded to a stop when she abruptly spun around at the door.

  “Also, this really kills me, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to watch Marley anymore.” She looked up at me then, and I could see the pain in her eyes. Jenna hated to do this. “I don’t think the kids should see you every day. We can’t just go back to the way things were.”

  I was absolutely not in agreement on this, and my views had nothing to do with Jenna helping me out with Marley, but I understood her reluctance. I’d hurt her. I’d hurt her kids. She was worried I’d do it again.

  “Okay. I’ll make arrangements.” What exactly those arrangements would be, I had no idea.

  “Good. How is she? God, I miss her so much…”

  I tilted my head, smiling. “She’s good. Happy right now, I’m sure. She’s with my parents.” I went to tuck a strand of hair behind Jenna’s ear, but she slowly leaned back.

  “Stop that.”

  “Sorry. Habit.” I lowered my arm and followed Jenna inside the building. We were silent as we climbed the steps side by side. I couldn’t help but remember. “Last time I sat out there waiting for you, you held my hand doing this.”

  “Well, you had waited for a while.”

  “That wasn’t the only reason you did it…”

  “No, it wasn’t.” She side-eyed me. “Of course,
I had my own motives—I wanted to. Not that I don’t want to now.” Her grip on the strap tightened. “Things were just different.”

  “I know.”

  “I was just saying, that was part of it. Knowing you waited for me, that you would’ve waited longer…How long did you sit outside tonight?”

  I peered into my pocket, checking the time on my phone. “Four hours. Maybe four and a half. I can’t remember what time I got here.” I halted two steps above Jenna and looked back.

  She gaped at me. “You’ve been here for four hours?”

  “Maybe four and a half,” I repeated.

  “Why didn’t you call me? God, I could’ve been gone longer than that, Nathan. What if I had been?”

  “Then I would’ve waited longer.” I smiled and kept climbing, reaching her door and pausing there. I watched her ascend the remaining steps, and she watched me. Shocked to hear that. Happy to have heard it.

  I followed Jenna inside her apartment.

  “Hey, guys!” Olivia ran around the couch and stopped in front of me. She was breathless. “Hi, Nate. I’ve been waiting for you to come in.”

  I imagined her scaling the furniture. Olivia was too excited to sit still.

  Oliver padded down the hallway from the direction of the bedrooms, halting a few feet away. “Hey.”

  “Hey, bud. Can we talk?”

  He nodded and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

  “Me too?” Olivia asked, stretching to her toes and fighting the urge to bounce on them.

  “Yeah, of course. Unless you want to wait and have it just be me and you…”

  “Uh.” She thought on this, shifting her weight from foot to foot as she looked from me to Jenna, then back to me. “I don’t know. Can I do both?”

  “I want to talk to Nate alone,” Oliver announced. “I have some things to say.” He lifted his chin at his sister.

  “Duh, Ollie. So do I,” she returned. “I have things.”

  I put my hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “Let me go talk to your brother, and then me and you can go talk. Okay?”

  “Okay.” She smiled up at me.

  Jenna pulled off her bag and carried it to the couch, dropping it over the side. “Come on, Olivia. You can help me with dinner.” She held out her hand.

  Olivia rushed over, taking it, and the two of them walked together into the kitchen.

  “You coming?” Oliver asked.

  “Yeah.” I turned away from my girls, two out of the three, and shadowed Oliver down the hallway and into his bedroom.

  He took a seat on the bed while I grabbed the desk chair, wheeling it into the center of the room. I leaned forward in it, bracing my elbows on my knees, and watched Oliver pick at his laces.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been around the past few days,” I told him. He peered up at me. “I should’ve called. I had some stuff I was dealing with, but that’s no excuse. I should’ve talked to you and your sister and I didn’t, but it was nothing you guys did, okay?”

  “Okay.” His voice was quiet.

  “There’s nothing you could ever do to make me not want to be around you guys.”

  Oliver looked down briefly to blink a couple times. He pushed up his glasses. “Did you and my mom break up?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  “I messed up. I didn’t talk to her when I should’ve, and it hurt her feelings.”

  “So, you’re talking to her now, right? Are you getting back together?”

  “I’d like to. It’s a little complicated, but I’m going to do everything I can to make it better. I just want your mom to be happy.”

  “So do I.” He held my stare.

  I smiled. God, I loved this kid.

  “She’s happy when you talk to her, so…like, really happy. So just talk to her.” His shoulders jerked. “That should be all you gotta do.”

  “I’m afraid there’s a little more to it than that, but whatever it takes, I’m going to do it, okay?”

  “Yeah.” Oliver cleared his throat when his voice cracked and scooted to the edge of the bed, letting his feet dangle off. “Thanks.”

  “You don’t need to thank me, O. I want us to be together. All of us.”

  He stared at me.

  I tipped my head at the camping gear stacked and packed in the corner of his room. “Friday, if you still want me to go with you, I’ll go. What do you want to do?”

  Oliver sat up as tall as he could. “I want you to go.”

  “Yeah?”

  He nodded fast.

  “Are you excited? It’s supposed to be nice weather.”

  “I am. I’m really excited.” He cracked his knuckles. “Are you excited?”

  “Absolutely.” I smiled at him, then looked over at the doorway when Olivia peeked her head around it. “Hey.”

  “Are you guys done having your alone time yet?” she asked. “I want mine. Mom’s making me wash lettuce. That’s dumb.”

  My chest rattled with a laugh. I looked at Oliver, and he gave me a thumbs-up.

  “I’ll say goodbye before I leave, okay?” I stood from the chair and held out my fist.

  “Yeah.” He bumped it. “I’ll probably be in here. No way am I washing lettuce.”

  “Oliver!” Jenna hollered. Her voice carrying down the hallway.

  “Oh man.” Oliver hung his head and crept out of the room. I followed Olivia across the hall.

  “Come in. You can sit here.” She tugged on my hand, pulling me to the bed and patting the quilted bedspread. “Just don’t put your shoes on the bed. Mom will fah-reak.”

  I chuckled, taking a seat beside her. “Got it.”

  Olivia kicked off her sneakers. Then she crossed her legs like a pretzel and smiled at me.

  “You know, I’m really, really sad that I made you sad,” I told her, and her smile fell away. “I don’t want you or your brother getting hurt. It bothers me, Liv.”

  Her head was lowered now, so she had to peer at me above her glasses. “Because you love us, right?”

  Damn. I knew I promised not to say this, but technically, I wouldn’t be saying it. I’d be agreeing…And there was no fucking way I could ever let this girl think I didn’t love her.

  “Right,” I said.

  Olivia looked up and blinked at me behind her frames. “We love you too, you know? That’s why we like you so much.”

  I grinned. “You like me because you love me?”

  “Yes.”

  “I like your logic.”

  “What’s logic?”

  “Your reason for thinking something. Why it makes sense to you…”

  She shrugged. “It’s just how I feel. I don’t know.”

  I chuckled, placing my hand on top of the one she had resting on her knee. “Listen, Liv, I’m really sorry I made you sad, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “And I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t want to see you or your brother. I always want to see you guys, no matter what.”

  “I wanted to call you, but Mom said I couldn’t.”

  “Well, she had reason to say that and you were smart for listening to her, but I want you to know you can always call me.” I gave her hand a squeeze. “Even if it’s just to say hi. If you want to call me, I want you to. You just need to make sure it’s okay with your mom.”

  Olivia stared at me for a moment, her expression somber. “Oliver said you and Mom broke up.”

  “We did.”

  She pulled her hand out from under mine. “So you’re never going to be together ever again?” Her voice was panicked.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “But you’re not together now, right?”

  I shook my head. “No, we’re not together.”

  Olivia scooted back to put space between us. She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted at her lap.

  “Hey.”

  “What?” she mumbled.

  “Can you look at me?”

  Olivia lifted her head.

 
; “You know you’re one of my favorite girls, right?”

  She slowly smiled.

  “I like you being a little mad at me right now,” I told her.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, I do. Do you wanna know why?”

  “Why?”

  “Because when you get older, like your mom’s age, and some stupid guy messes up and does something to upset you, I want you to stay a little mad at him for a while. Don’t forgive him right away, even if he’s so, so sorry he can’t even stand it.” I tugged gently on one of her braids. “Make him work for it, okay?”

  “Work for what?”

  “For you.”

  “Oh.” Her smile was lopsided. She lowered her arms to her stomach and uncrossed them. “Are you going to try to get back together with my mom?” she asked.

  “Are s’mores the best snack ever?”

  Olivia sat up tall. “Yes.” She grinned and punched the air. “That means yes! Yes!” She threw her arms around my neck, pulling me into a hug. Her heart was racing. “Thanks, Nate.”

  We held hands on the walk to the kitchen.

  “Hey, bud, I’m leaving,” I announced, getting Oliver’s attention off the table he was setting. Jenna was at the stove, stirring soup by the looks of it. I hugged Olivia goodbye. Then I bumped fists with Oliver when he walked over.

  “Can’t you stay for dinner?” he asked.

  I met Jenna’s eyes when she glanced back at me.

  “Not tonight. I gotta go pick up Marley.”

  “When will we see you next?” Olivia asked. She had climbed onto one of the bar stools.

  “Olivia, go wash your hands. Dinner is almost ready.” Jenna turned away from the stove and motioned at the door. “I’ll walk you out,” she said to me.

  I glanced between the kids. “I’ll see you guys soon, okay?”

  Oliver nodded and resumed setting the table. Olivia gave me a small hug again. “Bye, Nate,” she whispered. Then she ran down the hallway.

  I stepped outside Jenna’s apartment and watched her stand in the doorway.

  “Can I see you guys tomorrow?” I asked.

  She leaned against the frame and dropped her head closer to her shoulder. “I said we shouldn’t do this every day, remember?”

  Right. That agreement I wasn’t behind. I wondered if Jenna was really behind it, or if she was just scared and protecting herself.