Fighting Absolution

by Kate McCarthy

  I surrender to her mouth and tongue for an entire minute. Then I sit forward and grasp beneath her armpits, pulling her off and dragging her upward. Any more and I’ll shoot through the roof of the tent.

  My lips crash down on hers and her mouth opens, an instant invitation. My hot, hungry tongue sweeps in and rubs against hers, my hand sliding up and grabbing her hair in my fist. She moans into my mouth.

  I move her onto her back and rise up, peeling her underwear and sleep shorts down, lobbing them into the corner behind me.

  “Jamie, roll over, baby. I want you on all fours.”

  She complies and I get behind her, appreciating the pretty sight of her pussy bared to my eyes, right there for the taking. My palms skate down the naked cheeks of her ass, nudging her thighs. Jamie shifts her knees, opening her legs a little wider, exposing more of herself to my eyes.

  I slide a finger over the slick skin between her legs. Finding her opening, I slip it inside and pump slowly in and out. She lets out a moan and her head lowers. My dick throbs, impatient to get in there, but not yet. I need a taste first.

  Removing my finger, I spread her cheeks and dip my head, stroking the flat of my tongue over her clit. “Fuck,” she pants, dropping to her elbows.

  “You like that?”

  “More,” she gasps.

  I spread her open with my fingers and kiss her pussy before licking her repeatedly, my tongue delving in and out with loving strokes. The taste sends me fucking crazy with need. My mouth closes over her clit and I suck hard. Her back bows from the bed and she cries out.

  It’s not enough. I want more. I want Jamie crying out my name. I want to hear it just once.

  I slide a thick digit inside, and another, fucking her with my tongue and fingers.

  “Oh god, yes,” she hisses, biting her bottom lip, her hips grinding against my mouth.

  My fingers drive inside her as I stroke and suck, and the rougher I get, the harder she breathes.

  A shudder racks my body. I need to be inside her. Now.

  I give her a final lick before drawing back. Grasping her hips, I tilt her ass up slightly and align my cock, pushing in slowly until I’m seated deep inside. Wet heat surrounds me in a tight, snug vice, setting every nerve on fire.

  Jamie gasps a shaky moan and shudders.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “No. It’s good. It’s better than good,” she says, and my fingers dig into the soft flesh of her hips at the admission.

  I draw out and drive back inside, grinding myself against her ass.

  “Kyle,” she cries out, and that right there is exactly what I wanted.

  I thrust again, deeper and harder this time.

  “Faster,” she pleads.

  But I want to savour this and slow my pace instead, rocking against her, teasing, drawing the pleasure out as long as possible. It feels fucking incredible.

  “You ass.” Her curse is muttered and slightly breathless and it makes me laugh.

  “Stop complaining,” I say, pulling almost all the way out before I punch back in with a hard thrust. She gasps with pleasure. “You like it any way I give it to you.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because you’re always dripping wet when I touch you.”

  “I am not,” she gasps, as if it’s a bad thing to be wet. It’s not. It’s hot as fuck.

  “Protest all you like, Little Warrior, but your body betrays you.”

  “The same way yours betrays you?”

  She has me there. I surge forward, unable to tease any longer. My hips slam against her ass, my thrusts measured and forceful, building in intensity until I can’t catch my breath.

  “Harder,” she begs, and I know she’s close.

  “Say my name.”

  She pushes against me with every thrust. “Kyle.”

  I take a shuddering breath and slide a hand around her hip and down, until my middle finger finds her clit. I rub it hard, my pace frantic.

  Jamie cries my name again. My name. Mine. And a surge of pure, male satisfaction rushes through me. Her pussy contracts and shudders around my dick, her body collapsing beneath me.

  I slide my finger free and grab her hips, pounding hard, gasping for every breath as her whimpers fill the air around us.

  My cock pulses, and I grind against her before pulling out quickly, pleasure hitting like a freight train as I come hard, spurting across her back.

  Jamie sinks down, boneless. I follow, spent and sweaty, tucking myself in her side. My head buries in her neck, my sweaty skin sticking to hers as emotion rises like a tidal wave. I try to swallow but it won’t stay down. My throat aches with it.

  God, I love this girl. So much.

  She twists slightly and the tips of her fingers flutter gently down my chest, her eyes on mine. “Are you okay?”

  No. I’m not okay.

  I roll to my back, breathing heavy.

  “Kyle?” My name is a wobble on her lips.

  I want to reassure her, but I can’t because she doesn’t love me back, not in the same way. It leaves my insides bruised as if I’ve taken a punch to the gut. I want to leave the tent, but I can’t seem to tear myself from her side.

  “I’m okay,” I eventually manage to say because above all else, I care about her. And I care about the limited time we have together. I don’t want to ruin it by saying things that shouldn’t be said.

  I rise from the bed, swiping at my face. “I’ll get a cloth.”

  33

  KYLE

  The drive home from Esperance to Perth feels like a funeral procession, as if someone died. We wave out our windows as we pass by Reg and Bev’s camp, slowing down a little. They wave back, Bev pulling a cigarette from her lips to call out, “Drive safe!”

  Reg gives a casual salute. “Come back again next year, you two. Same time. We’ll be here.”

  “We’ll do our best,” I tell him, an empty platitude.

  Graham is there having an early breakfast with his parents, dressed in what looks like his work uniform. It’s sporty, his muscles seemingly created by a bunch of girly weights in the gym rather than real, hard work. “You should,” he says, his eyes on Jamie through the open window. Irritation rises swiftly. Can he not see me right here? I mean, we’re not a couple, but he doesn’t know that. “I can take you to some of the less populated spots in the kayak.”

  “We’d love that,” I interject with a biting smile.

  “Thanks, you guys,” Jamie calls, and I tap the accelerator, leaving them behind with a brief honk of the horn.

  “Graham is a dick,” I mutter.

  “You sound jealous.”

  I snort. “I’m not jealous.”

  “Mmm hmm,” Jamie hums in a patronising tone.

  My brows pinch. Am I? “Whether I’m jealous or not is irrelevant. It doesn’t make him any less of a dick.”

  “He looks a little like Jake, don’t you think?”

  I glance across at her. Because he has blond hair and green eyes? Apart from that, they’re nothing alike. It’s like comparing a weed in the sidewalk to a giant oak in the forest. “Not at all.”

  “Just the colouring, maybe,” she says.

  Is that what she wants? Another Jake? Was it him she imagined touching her these past few nights instead of me? The thought shuts me down, and we don’t speak for at least an hour.

  Jamie kicks up her legs, crossing them at the ankle and resting them out the open window. Her favourite passenger position. My eyes flick down their long, tanned length, remembering a different position, one with them wrapped around my ass last night as I pounded inside her.

  There seemed to be no restraint after the sun went down on our last three nights in Esperance, as if the cover of darkness was a free pass, but only on the unspoken agreement we didn’t bring it into the day.

  I did my best, but there were times where she made me laugh, and I wanted to swing her up in my arms and plant a smacking wet kiss on her lips. Or slide an arm aroun
d her shoulder, hugging her to me while we wandered the local markets, just to enjoy the feel of her body next to mine. Or hold her hand, dragging it onto my lap as we watched a movie at the little theatre, avoiding the thunderstorm sweeping through town.

  I’ve never had that before. Simple affection. Loving gestures. And I know she doesn’t want a relationship with me. I’m not expecting her to change her mind, but I can’t help this hollow sense of rejection.

  “Ugh,” I mutter to myself. I need to switch off. “Put some music on?” Usually Jamie is blasting something by now, but she’s quiet instead, as if lost in thoughts of her own.

  She drops her legs from the window and picks up her phone. Her finger taps the shuffle button on her favourite eighties playlist and “She’s Like the Wind” by Patrick Swayze comes on. He starts crooning and the lyrics make me feel worse. “Not that one.”

  She hits shuffle again. “With or Without You” by U2 starts to play. I give it thirty seconds. “Not that one either.”

  Jamie huffs and stabs her finger again. “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi blares through the speakers. This one I can handle.

  I open my mouth to start singing along when she cuts me off. “I swear to god I am not changing it again. You can suck a bag of dicks.”

  “Testy much?”

  “I’m hungry,” she mutters.

  “We only ate an hour ago,” I point out.

  “Oh gee, thanks,” she snaps. “I forgot. Suddenly I’m not hungry anymore.”

  “What about your giant cheese wheel? You never finished it.” She wrapped it with loving care and stored in the esky two days ago. I don’t know what she plans on doing with it when we get back. Either take it home in her suitcase or give it to Erin.

  Jamie moans. “If I ever see another piece of cheese again I’ll barf.”

  I shout with laughter.

  “Shut up,” she mutters.

  “What happened to your ‘cheese makes life worth living’ sentiment?”

  “I take it back.” Her head tips back against the seat, and she literally gags. “Cheese died for me the day I finished two pounds of that wheel.”

  “Does that mean I can have it?”

  She looks at me. “What the hell do you want with it?”

  I grin. “I can use it as a bribe to get me back on card night.”

  She gags again. “It’s all yours.”

  Another quiet hour passes. I think Jamie is sleeping. Her seat is tipped back and my cap sits over her face, blocking out the light. Bored, I reach across, lifting the edge with my fingers.

  She slaps my hand away. “Fuck off. I’m sleeping.”

  “You’re such a grouch today.”

  I hear a mumble from beneath the cap.

  “What was that?” I ask, turning the volume down.

  “I don’t want to go home.”

  My heart jerks an erratic beat. “What do you mean by home? Townsville?”

  Jamie pulls the cap away and tosses it to the floor, leaving her hair in a haphazard mess around her face. “It’s not that I hate it there. It’s just so … I don’t know.” She scrunches her nose as if she sucked on a bitter lemon. “Far.”

  She’s due for re-enlistment soon, but the ice between us is thin on that particular subject. No good can come of me skating across it now, so I leave it alone.

  Another two hours brings us to the halfway point of our return trip. “You wanna stop for lunch?”

  “Maybe we could grab a sandwich to go?”

  I stop at the next town. Lake King. Population three hundred and thirty-two. After parking the Hilux by the bowser, I get out and refill the tank while Jamie heads inside to order food. She returns while I’m checking the tyre pressure, carrying two large white packets. “I got us beef burgers,” she says, waving them. “And I paid for the fuel.”

  “Thanks.”

  We hit the road again after we both use the bathroom. I’m anxious to get home and I’m not—all at the same time. The conflicting emotions make my stomach churn, and I only manage a few bites before I put my lunch to the side. Jamie is my best friend, and I’m in love with her. How am I supposed to let her go?

  Jamie

  We arrive in Perth around dusk. The sun is setting over the ocean, creating a vivid burst of colour across the sky. I make a show of taking a couple of photos, but inside I feel sick. I’ve said goodbye so many times before. I can’t bear another.

  “What’s Wood and Erin’s new address?” Kyle asks.

  They moved out of their apartment while we were gone.

  “Bad timing for you. Great timing for us,” I teased as we left on our road trip, waving my arm wildly out the window as we headed off into the great unknown. Though, we didn’t leave them entirely without help. We recruited Ryan and Nathan on our behalf to do the heavy lifting for us, which means we owe them big.

  I recite the address to Kyle, and we pull up out the front forty-five minutes later. Wood is in the front yard wrestling with the electrical cord of a power saw. There’s a stack of timber by the frame of a new porch and sawdust covers the front lawn like snow. He pauses, turning at the sound of the car. Then he whoops loudly, dropping the cord. I leap from the car and into his arms, squealing as if it’s been a lifetime rather than a few short weeks.

  Wood spins me around. “You’re back!”

  “We’re back!”

  He plants a hard kiss on my cheek before putting me down, setting me away from him and giving me a thorough inspection. “You look different.”

  I feel different, though I shrug his comment off. “It’s probably the tan.”

  “No.” He shakes Kyle’s hand when he reaches us, slapping him on the back. “It’s this,” he says, turning back to me and jamming a thumb against my forehead. “Your little furrow is gone.”

  “Hey!” I swat him away. “That hurt.” I look towards the front door. “Where’s Erin?”

  “Inside. In the study I think.”

  I leave Wood and Kyle to talk while I bound over the half-built porch and step inside. “Erin?”

  No answer.

  I wander from room to room. It’s mostly furniture and boxes half unpacked. I find her in a little nook down the back. She’s sitting at a desk, headphones on and pen in hand, mumbling over a piece of paper in front of her.

  I sneak up behind and pull the covers from her ears. “Boo!”

  “Arrrrghhhhhh!” she screams in a tone so shrill you could hear it from space. “You bitch.” She rises from her chair, putting a hand over her heart as if to calm it down. “I fucking hate you. Come here.”

  Erin wraps me up in a hug and tears spring free. I hug her back. Hard. “I hate you too.”

  We stand there, swaying a little, hugging. “I can’t believe I only get you for one night!”

  I step back and she performs an inspection—a different kind from the one Wood did just before. I’m a bug beneath her microscope. “Look at you. You’re all stinky and dirty. Did you turn hippy on me?” Erin lifts my arm, taking a peek at my armpits before I swat her away. She looks relieved at the hairless skin before she flicks the tangled strands of my hair. “You need a trim.” She peers closer … at my eyebrows. “And you need a wax. I was hoping we could go out drinking and dancing tonight, but look at you. I don’t have time for miracles.”

  Kyle steps inside, wheeling my suitcases behind him.

  “I could have got those.” An automatic protest.

  He gives me a look as he sets them off to the side, flicking the handles down.

  “Thank you, Kyle.”

  Erin gives him a welcoming hug. “How was your trip?” she asks him, drawing back.

  “Amazing. We’ve got so many photos to show you.”

  She claps her hands. “Gimme.”

  Kyle nods his head at me. “Jamie can show you. I’ve got to get going.”

  Something inside me sinks like an anchor to the ocean floor.

  “Will you come out with us later?” she asks. “We’re going out for
Jamie’s last night. Drinks on us for organising the crew to help us move.”

  “I can’t.” Kyle and I share a look as he answers, his expression heavy, his tone thick with regret. “Sorry.” He starts walking backwards as if he can’t wait to leave. “Maybe some other time though.”

  “I’ll walk you out,” I say.

  “Bye, Erin,” he calls out.

  “See you, Kyle!”

  We pass Wood as he steps inside, wiping dirty boots on the doormat. “Leaving already?”

  “Yeah. Got shit to do before I get back to work.”

  They shake hands again, Kyle giving Wood a slap on the back. “See you next time, mate.”

  He steps off the half-made porch and stalks towards the Hilux as if his ass were on fire.

  “Would you slow down a minute?”

  He heads around the side to the back of the Hilux. “I thought you didn’t like goodbyes,” he says and starts hooking the tonneau cover in place with practiced efficiency. I stand watching him, not knowing what to say because he’s right. I don’t. But it’s not like I’ll be gone forever, right?

  Kyle makes his way to the passenger door. He opens it, retrieving my satchel. Shutting the door, he gives it to me. Actually, he basically shoves it against my chest, and I catch it before it drops to the ground.

  “Well, I’ll see you next time, Jamie,” he mutters, keys dangling from his fingers.

  That’s it? I know I’m horrible at goodbyes, but that one was weaker than the shitty beer I bought him at the Condingup Tavern.

  He starts for the driver’s side. “Kyle?”

  He keeps walking.

  “Kyle, please.”

  “Fuck,” he mutters, stopping, resting his hand on the hood, his back to me. His shoulders rise and fall for several beats before he turns. The pained expression on his face roots me to the ground.

  “I’m sorry.” I take a step towards him, but my legs feel ready to give out beneath me so I stop, not knowing what to do or what else to say.

  He looks away, blinking. “Yeah,” he says, gruff. “Me too.”

  Kyle raps his fist gently on the hood of the car before he moves off. He opens the door and looks at me. “Message when you get to Townsville, will you?”