Sketches New and Old

by Mark Twain

  CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS--[Written about 1867.]

  I visited St. Louis lately, and on my way West, after changing cars atTerre Haute, Indiana, a mild, benevolent-looking gentleman of aboutforty-five, or maybe fifty, came in at one of the way-stations and satdown beside me. We talked together pleasantly on various subjects for anhour, perhaps, and I found him exceedingly intelligent and entertaining.When he learned that I was from Washington, he immediately began to askquestions about various public men, and about Congressional affairs; andI saw very shortly that I was conversing with a man who was perfectlyfamiliar with the ins and outs of political life at the Capital, even tothe ways and manners, and customs of procedure of Senators andRepresentatives in the Chambers of the national Legislature. Presentlytwo men halted near us for a single moment, and one said to the other:

  "Harris, if you'll do that for me, I'll never forget you, my boy."

  My new comrade's eye lighted pleasantly. The words had touched upon ahappy memory, I thought. Then his face settled into thoughtfulness--almost into gloom. He turned to me and said,

  "Let me tell you a story; let me give you a secret chapter of my life--a chapter that has never been referred to by me since its eventstranspired. Listen patiently, and promise that you will not interruptme."

  I said I would not, and he related the following strange adventure,speaking sometimes with animation, sometimes with melancholy, but alwayswith feeling and earnestness.

  THE STRANGER'S NARRATIVE

  "On the 19th of December, 1853, I started from St. Louis on the eveningtrain bound for Chicago. There were only twenty-four passengers, alltold. There were no ladies and no children. We were in excellentspirits, and pleasant acquaintanceships were soon formed. The journeybade fair to be a happy one; and no individual in the party, I think, hadeven the vaguest presentiment of the horrors we were soon to undergo.

  "At 11 P.M. it began to snow hard. Shortly after leaving the smallvillage of Welden, we entered upon that tremendous prairie solitude thatstretches its leagues on leagues of houseless dreariness far away towardthe Jubilee Settlements. The winds, unobstructed by trees or hills, oreven vagrant rocks, whistled fiercely across the level desert, drivingthe falling snow before it like spray from the crested waves of a stormysea. The snow was deepening fast; and we knew, by the diminished speedof the train, that the engine was plowing through it with steadilyincreasing difficulty. Indeed, it almost came to a dead halt sometimes,in the midst of great drifts that piled themselves like colossal gravesacross the track. Conversation began to flag. Cheerfulness gave placeto grave concern. The possibility of being imprisoned in the snow, onthe bleak prairie, fifty miles from any house, presented itself to everymind, and extended its depressing influence over every spirit.

  "At two o'clock in the morning I was aroused out of an uneasy slumber bythe ceasing of all motion about me. The appalling truth flashed upon meinstantly--we were captives in a snow-drift! 'All hands to the rescue!'Every man sprang to obey. Out into the wild night, the pitchy darkness,the billowy snow, the driving storm, every soul leaped, with theconsciousness that a moment lost now might bring destruction to us all.Shovels, hands, boards--anything, everything that could displace snow,was brought into instant requisition. It was a weird picture, that smallcompany of frantic men fighting the banking snows, half in the blackestshadow and half in the angry light of the locomotive's reflector.

  "One short hour sufficed to prove the utter uselessness of our efforts.The storm barricaded the track with a dozen drifts while we dug one away.And worse than this, it was discovered that the last grand charge theengine had made upon the enemy had broken the fore-and-aft shaft of thedriving-wheel! With a free track before us we should still have beenhelpless. We entered the car wearied with labor, and very sorrowful.We gathered about the stoves, and gravely canvassed our situation. Wehad no provisions whatever--in this lay our chief distress. We could notfreeze, for there was a good supply of wood in the tender. This was ouronly comfort. The discussion ended at last in accepting thedisheartening decision of the conductor, viz., that it would be death forany man to attempt to travel fifty miles on foot through snow like that.We could not send for help, and even if we could it would not come. Wemust submit, and await, as patiently as we might, succor or starvation!I think the stoutest heart there felt a momentary chill when those wordswere uttered.

  "Within the hour conversation subsided to a low murmur here and thereabout the car, caught fitfully between the rising and falling of theblast; the lamps grew dim; and the majority of the castaways settledthemselves among the flickering shadows to think--to forget the present,if they could--to sleep, if they might.

  "The eternal night--it surely seemed eternal to us--wore its lagging hoursaway at last, and the cold gray dawn broke in the east. As the lightgrew stronger the passengers began to stir and give signs of life, oneafter another, and each in turn pushed his slouched hat up from hisforehead, stretched his stiffened limbs, and glanced out of the windowsupon the cheerless prospect. It was cheerless, indeed!--not a livingthing visible anywhere, not a human habitation; nothing but a vast whitedesert; uplifted sheets of snow drifting hither and thither before thewind--a world of eddying flakes shutting out the firmament above.

  "All day we moped about the cars, saying little, thinking much. Anotherlingering dreary night--and hunger.

  "Another dawning--another day of silence, sadness, wasting hunger,hopeless watching for succor that could not come. A night of restlessslumber, filled with dreams of feasting--wakings distressed with thegnawings of hunger.

  "The fourth day came and went--and the fifth! Five days of dreadfulimprisonment! A savage hunger looked out at every eye. There was in ita sign of awful import--the foreshadowing of a something that was vaguelyshaping itself in every heart--a something which no tongue dared yet toframe into words.

  "The sixth day passed--the seventh dawned upon as gaunt and haggard andhopeless a company of men as ever stood in the shadow of death. It mustout now! That thing which had been growing up in every heart was readyto leap from every lip at last! Nature had been taxed to the utmost--shemust yield. RICHARD H. GASTON of Minnesota, tall, cadaverous, and pale,rose up. All knew what was coming. All prepared--every emotion, everysemblance of excitement--was smothered--only a calm, thoughtfulseriousness appeared in the eyes that were lately so wild.

  "'Gentlemen: It cannot be delayed longer! The time is at hand! We mustdetermine which of us shall die to furnish food for the rest!'

  "MR. JOHN J. WILLIAMS of Illinois rose and said: 'Gentlemen--I nominatethe Rev. James Sawyer of Tennessee.'

  "MR. Wm. R. ADAMS of Indiana said: 'I nominate Mr. Daniel Slote of NewYork.'

  "MR. CHARLES J. LANGDON: 'I nominate Mr. Samuel A. Bowen of St. Louis.'

  "MR. SLOTE: 'Gentlemen--I desire to decline in favor of Mr. John A. VanNostrand, Jun., of New Jersey.'

  "MR. GASTON: 'If there be no objection, the gentleman's desire will beacceded to.'

  "MR. VAN NOSTRAND objecting, the resignation of Mr. Slote was rejected.The resignations of Messrs. Sawyer and Bowen were also offered, andrefused upon the same grounds.

  "MR. A. L. BASCOM of Ohio: 'I move that the nominations now close, andthat the House proceed to an election by ballot.'

  "MR. SAWYER: 'Gentlemen--I protest earnestly against these proceedings.They are, in every way, irregular and unbecoming. I must beg to movethat they be dropped at once, and that we elect a chairman of the meetingand proper officers to assist him, and then we can go on with thebusiness before us understandingly.'

  "MR. BELL of Iowa: 'Gentlemen--I object. This is no time to stand uponforms and ceremonious observances. For more than seven days we have beenwithout food. Every moment we lose in idle discussion increases ourdistress. I am satisfied with the nominations that have been made--everygentleman present is, I believe--and I, for one, do not see why we shouldnot proceed at once to elect one or more of them. I wish to offer aresolu
tion--'

  "MR. GASTON: 'It would be objected to, and have to lie over one day underthe rules, thus bringing about the very delay you wish to avoid. Thegentleman from New Jersey--'

  "MR. VAN NOSTRAND: 'Gentlemen--I am a stranger among you; I have notsought the distinction that has been conferred upon me, and I feel adelicacy--'

  "MR. MORGAN Of Alabama (interrupting): 'I move the previous question.'

  "The motion was carried, and further debate shut off, of course. Themotion to elect officers was passed, and under it Mr. Gaston was chosenchairman, Mr. Blake, secretary, Messrs. Holcomb, Dyer, and Baldwin acommittee on nominations, and Mr. R. M. Howland, purveyor, to assist thecommittee in making selections.

  "A recess of half an hour was then taken, and some little caucusingfollowed. At the sound of the gavel the meeting reassembled, and thecommittee reported in favor of Messrs. George Ferguson of Kentucky,Lucien Herrman of Louisiana, and W. Messick of Colorado as candidates.The report was accepted.

  "MR. ROGERS of Missouri: 'Mr. President--The report being properly beforethe House now, I move to amend it by substituting for the name of Mr.Herrman that of Mr. Lucius Harris of St. Louis, who is well andhonorably known to us all. I do not wish to be understood as casting theleast reflection upon the high character and standing of the gentlemanfrom Louisiana--far from it. I respect and esteem him as much as anygentleman here present possibly can; but none of us can be blind to thefact that he has lost more flesh during the week that we have lain herethan any among us--none of us can be blind to the fact that the committeehas been derelict in its duty, either through negligence or a graverfault, in thus offering for our suffrages a gentleman who, however purehis own motives may be, has really less nutriment in him--'

  "THE CHAIR: 'The gentleman from Missouri will take his seat. The Chaircannot allow the integrity of the committee to be questioned save by theregular course, under the rules. What action will the House take uponthe gentleman's motion?'

  "MR. HALLIDAY of Virginia: 'I move to further amend the report bysubstituting Mr. Harvey Davis of Oregon for Mr. Messick. It may be urgedby gentlemen that the hardships and privations of a frontier life haverendered Mr. Davis tough; but, gentlemen, is this a time to cavil attoughness? Is this a time to be fastidious concerning trifles? Is thisa time to dispute about matters of paltry significance? No, gentlemen,bulk is what we desire--substance, weight, bulk--these are the supremerequisites now--not talent, not genius, not education. I insist upon mymotion.'

  "MR. MORGAN (excitedly): 'Mr. Chairman--I do most strenuously object tothis amendment. The gentleman from Oregon is old, and furthermore isbulky only in bone--not in flesh. I ask the gentleman from Virginia ifit is soup we want instead of solid sustenance? if he would delude uswith shadows? if he would mock our suffering with an Oregonian specter?I ask him if he can look upon the anxious faces around him, if he cangaze into our sad eyes, if he can listen to the beating of our expectanthearts, and still thrust this famine-stricken fraud upon us? I ask himif he can think of our desolate state, of our past sorrows, of our darkfuture, and still unpityingly foist upon us this wreck, this ruin, thistottering swindle, this gnarled and blighted and sapless vagabond fromOregon's inhospitable shores? Never!' [Applause.]

  "The amendment was put to vote, after a fiery debate, and lost. Mr.Harris was substituted on the first amendment. The balloting then began.Five ballots were held without a choice. On the sixth, Mr. Harris waselected, all voting for him but himself. It was then moved that hiselection should be ratified by acclamation, which was lost, inconsequence of his again voting against himself.

  "MR. RADWAY moved that the House now take up the remaining candidates,and go into an election for breakfast. This was carried.

  "On the first ballot there was a tie, half the members favoring onecandidate on account of his youth, and half favoring the other on accountof his superior size. The President gave the casting vote for thelatter, Mr. Messick. This decision created considerable dissatisfactionamong the friends of Mr. Ferguson, the defeated candidate, and there wassome talk of demanding a new ballot; but in the midst of it a motion toadjourn was carried, and the meeting broke up at once.

  "The preparations for supper diverted the attention of the Fergusonfaction from the discussion of their grievance for a long time, and then,when they would have taken it up again, the happy announcement that Mr.Harris was ready drove all thought of it to the winds.

  "We improvised tables by propping up the backs of car-seats, and sat downwith hearts full of gratitude to the finest supper that had blessed ourvision for seven torturing days. How changed we were from what we hadbeen a few short hours before! Hopeless, sad-eyed misery, hunger,feverish anxiety, desperation, then; thankfulness, serenity, joy too deepfor utterance now. That I know was the cheeriest hour of my eventfullife. The winds howled, and blew the snow wildly about our prison house,but they were powerless to distress us any more. I liked Harris. Hemight have been better done, perhaps, but I am free to say that no manever agreed with me better than Harris, or afforded me so large a degreeof satisfaction. Messick was very well, though rather high-flavored,but for genuine nutritiousness and delicacy of fiber, give me Harris.Messick had his good points--I will not attempt to deny it, nor do I wishto do it--but he was no more fitted for breakfast than a mummy would be,sir--not a bit. Lean?--why, bless me!--and tough? Ah, he was verytough! You could not imagine it--you could never imagine anything likeit."

  "Do you mean to tell me that--""Do not interrupt me, please. After breakfast we elected a man by thename of Walker, from Detroit, for supper. He was very good. I wrote hiswife so afterward. He was worthy of all praise. I shall always rememberWalker. He was a little rare, but very good. And then the next morningwe had Morgan of Alabama for breakfast. He was one of the finest men Iever sat down to--handsome, educated, refined, spoke several languagesfluently--a perfect gentleman--he was a perfect gentleman, and singularly juicy.For supper we had that Oregon patriarch, and he was a fraud,there is no question about it--old, scraggy, tough, nobody can picturethe reality. I finally said, gentlemen, you can do as you like, but Iwill wait for another election. And Grimes of Illinois said, 'Gentlemen,I will wait also. When you elect a man that has something to recommendhim, I shall be glad to join you again.' It soon became evident thatthere was general dissatisfaction with Davis of Oregon, and so, topreserve the good will that had prevailed so pleasantly since we had hadHarris, an election was called, and the result of it was that Baker ofGeorgia was chosen. He was splendid! Well, well--after that we hadDoolittle, and Hawkins, and McElroy (there was some complaint aboutMcElroy, because he was uncommonly short and thin), and Penrod, and twoSmiths, and Bailey (Bailey had a wooden leg, which was clear loss, but hewas otherwise good), and an Indian boy, and an organ-grinder, and agentleman by the name of Buckminster--a poor stick of a vagabond thatwasn't any good for company and no account for breakfast. We were gladwe got him elected before relief came."

  "And so the blessed relief did come at last?"

  "Yes, it came one bright, sunny morning, just after election. JohnMurphy was the choice, and there never was a better, I am willing totestify; but John Murphy came home with us, in the train that came tosuccor us, and lived to marry the widow Harris--"

  "Relict of--"

  "Relict of our first choice. He married her, and is happy and respectedand prosperous yet. Ah, it was like a novel, sir--it was like a romance.This is my stopping-place, sir; I must bid you goodby. Any time that youcan make it convenient to tarry a day or two with me, I shall be glad tohave you. I like you, sir; I have conceived an affection for you.I could like you as well as I liked Harris himself, sir. Good day, sir,and a pleasant journey."

  He was gone. I never felt so stunned, so distressed, so bewildered in mylife. But in my soul I was glad he was gone. With all his gentleness ofmanner and his soft voice, I shuddered whenever he turned his hungry eyeupon me; and when I heard that I had achieved his perilous affection, andthat I st
ood almost with the late Harris in his esteem, my heart fairlystood still!

  I was bewildered beyond description. I did not doubt his word; I couldnot question a single item in a statement so stamped with the earnestnessof truth as his; but its dreadful details overpowered me, and threw mythoughts into hopeless confusion. I saw the conductor looking at me.I said, "Who is that man?"

  "He was a member of Congress once, and a good one. But he got caught ina snow-drift in the cars, and like to have been starved to death. He gotso frost-bitten and frozen up generally, and used up for want ofsomething to eat, that he was sick and out of his head two or threemonths afterward. He is all right now, only he is a monomaniac, and whenhe gets on that old subject he never stops till he has eat up that wholecar-load of people he talks about. He would have finished the crowd bythis time, only he had to get out here. He has got their names as pat asA B C. When he gets them all eat up but himself, he always says: 'Thenthe hour for the usual election for breakfast having arrived, and therebeing no opposition, I was duly elected, after which, there being noobjections offered, I resigned. Thus I am here.'"

  I felt inexpressibly relieved to know that I had only been listening tothe harmless vagaries of a madman instead of the genuine experiences of abloodthirsty cannibal.