To My Immature Ex Boyfriend (The Inappropriate Bachelors Book 5)

by J. S. Cooper

  And she hadn’t just walked away; she’d left the state, so I’d had no chance of wooing her back.

  Chapter 5

  Birdie

  The evenings are the worst.

  It sucks when you’re single because the evenings seem to last so long. There’s only so much TV to watch, there are only so many books to read, you can only paint your nails so many times until you get bored. I was officially fed up. I had no one to hang out with. All my friends were now in relationships. Every single one of them! Magnolia, Jane, Millie, and Olivia had all deserted me to be in happy relationships. Not that I was jealous. Not at all. Not that I wished I were them.

  No, I loved sitting by myself watching my nails dry.

  It was so unfair. How could they all be in loving relationships and not me? I was still single, sitting at home on my couch, wondering what to do, on yet another Friday night all by myself. I felt like a loser, and part of me wondered if I should just leave San Francisco. I knew I could try and make some new friends, but I didn’t have the energy. And knowing my luck, all my new friends would be in relationships or get into relationships right after they met me.

  “Maybe I’ll get a dog,” I said to myself.

  I grabbed my laptop and looked at the local Humane Society’s webpage. There were so many cute dogs that needed to be adopted. And didn’t they say that dog was man’s best friend? I could have a cute little dog that worshipped me. But then I thought about walking the dog twice a day and picking up its poop. I wrinkled my nose. I also had such a small studio apartment.

  “What dog would be happy here?” I sighed. It would be unfair of me to adopt a dog in my current situation.

  “I could get a cat,” I said to myself hopefully, and then groaned. “Well, now you’re just going crazy, Birdie. You’re just going crazy speaking to yourself as if you’re actually going to answer back.”

  I put the laptop down on the couch and walked around idly. “Maybe I should work out.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I shook my head. I didn’t want to work out. I yawned and looked at my bed. Maybe I’d just go to bed. But it was only 7 p.m. What sort of loser was I that I was going to bed at 7 p.m.?

  I could go to the bar, but the thought of being at the bar by myself was just depressing. Who was I going to meet at a bar? Drunk dudes, lecherous old men, crazy women, and maybe some hot guys who wanted to get laid. I mean, it was one thing going to the bar with friends and flirting with hot guys who wanted to get laid, but going by myself? That just seemed pathetic. I knew I was feeling sorry for myself, and I knew that I needed to snap out of it, but I just didn’t know how.

  I thought about picking up a hobby. Maybe I’d learn how to sail. The marina in San Francisco was beautiful, and it would be really cool to sail a boat around the Bay Area. Everyone would be super impressed, and my parents would be absolutely ecstatic at the fact that I’d learned to sail. They’d always wanted me to learn when I was younger, but I just couldn’t be bothered.

  I walked back to the couch, grabbed my laptop, and looked online to find some sailing lessons. My jaw dropped at the prices. “$1000 for three lessons? Hell, no!”

  This was ridiculous. I needed to think. Maybe I could learn how to salsa. Lots of guys go to salsa, and I could make lots of new friends. But then I remembered what a bad dancer I was. I wasn’t the most flexible, and I certainly didn’t have much rhythm. I was barely able to bump and grind to the beat, let alone do any sort of complex moves.

  “Maybe I’ll write a book?” I shook my head. I barely had time to write in my diary, and even that was not impressive. There was no way I could write a book.

  “Maybe I’ll make a movie …” I frowned. “What would I make a movie about?” I was talking out loud to myself again. “Horror, romance … Romance? No way, ugh!”

  I was literally acting like a crazy person, which was just sad. I didn’t even have a pet to pretend I was talking to. I was literally just talking to myself. “Oh, Birdie, you’re going crazy,” I whined. “You’re going absolutely crazy!”

  My phone pinged and my heart jumped in my chest. Maybe one of my friends was free after all and wanted to hang out.

  “Let it be Olivia!” I thought to myself. Olivia and I had the most fun. She was absolutely amazing and always good for a laugh. I quickly looked down at my phone, and I saw that I had a new message. I opened it quickly. The number was not one I recognized.

  “Hey there,” the message said.

  I frowned. “Hi. Who is this?”

  “What do you mean, Who is this?”

  “I mean, I don’t have your number saved in my phone. Who is this?”

  “You deleted my number?”

  “Yeah. So I’m guessing we don’t really know each other, or maybe we just met for one night?”

  Oh no, why did I say maybe we just met for one night? If it was a friend or something, they were going to think I was having a bunch of one-night stands!

  “How many different guys do you give your number that you’ve met for one night?”

  “Who is this?”

  “It’s me, Birdie.”

  “‘It’s me’ means nothing to me.”

  “It’s Hunter :)”

  Oh, fuck. I threw the phone on the couch and groaned. Why was Hunter texting me? I thought I’d blocked his number. Shit, he must’ve got a new phone. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

  I let out a huge sigh. I knew I shouldn’t text him back again, but I just couldn’t resist. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I typed in all caps.

  “I just wanted to say hello.”

  “Goodbye.”

  “Don’t be like that, Birdie.”

  “Don’t be like what, Hunter?”

  “I’m going to be in San Francisco next weekend. I thought …”

  “Whatever you’re thinking, Hunter, don’t even bother to ask.”

  “I thought we could perhaps catch up, go for lunch or dinner or something?”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “Birdie, I miss you.”

  “That’s a lie.”

  “No, it’s not :)”

  “Hunter, this conversation is over. I’m going to block you again. Please do not text me.”

  “Birdie!”

  Nope. I was not going to go down this road with Hunter Augustus Beauregard III again. I quickly blocked his number. My face felt hot and my heart was racing. What the hell? Did he really think I was going to meet up with him after what he’d done? I mean, in a way, it would be nice to see him because he was a piece of home that I hadn’t seen in a really long time. But he was an asshole, and he didn’t deserve my friendship or anything else from me. The fact that he’d been my first boyfriend, taken my virginity, and been the only man I’d ever loved? Well, that was just icing on the cake. I wouldn’t give him the time of day, not after what he did.

  I walked back to my laptop and picked it up. Maybe I could find some sort of meetup group to join. I needed to get out of the house. I didn’t care what I did. I just needed to find some event and have some fun.

  I quickly checked my email before I went onto the search engine and then cursed under my breath. Hunter Augustus Beauregard. He’d emailed me.

  I knew I should just delete the email, but I couldn’t stop myself from opening it. I opened it and read quickly. My jaw dropped and then I started laughing. Was this guy a complete and utter asshole? Did he really think that this was the way to get back into my good graces? I read the email again. What an absolute joker he was.

  Chapter 6

  Birdie

  It had been three days since I’d received Hunter’s email. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to respond, but as I sat at my desk at the office and watched Jane and Tate making sweet lovey faces at each other, I knew I couldn’t resist anymore. I was going to write Hunter back and let him have a piece of my mind.

  I reread his email once more to get myself worked up again.

  To My Mouthy Ex-Girlfriend,

  I’m guessing you blo
cked me again? I’m not sure why we can’t be friends, but you always were overly dramatic. I’m surprised you didn’t move to LA to be an actress. You could have made it with all your skills. I particularly miss your ’big mouth’.

  I will be coming to San Francisco next Friday for a week and would love to see you. I wouldn’t even mind seeing your bedroom for old time’s sake. In fact, I can stay with you if you wish. Do you still have your cheerleader outfit? It’s a recurring fantasy I have in my dreams. Remember that night we won the homecoming game and you gave me the biggest and best surprise of my life? Also, whatever happened to the promise ring I gave you? Don’t worry, you can keep it. I have the poems you wrote me about your undying love; you can have them back if you want.

  Nellie sends her love and misses you. I think it was really cruel how you stopped talking to her. But anyway, I hope to see you soon. Would be lovely to catch up and see how you’re doing.

  Hunter

  I stared at his email and thought about the homecoming game, how we’d had sex in the changing room with the coach right around the corner. I couldn’t believe I’d done that, and I certainly didn’t want to remember how hot and naughty it had been. I was over Hunter. If he really thought I’d want to reminisce about the good ol’ days then he was even crazier than I was.

  I typed a response and hit send before I could stop myself.

  To My Immature Ex-Boyfriend,

  There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I’m a lady, I will keep my ’big mouth‘ closed. I received your email the other day and you’ve got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short pier into an ocean of sharks. Also, the fact that you wouldn’t mind seeing my bedroom for “old times sake” makes me laugh. I don’t want to be rude, but those memories aren’t ones I wish to repeat. I have better uses for five minutes of my time. You can keep the poems I wrote you, my cheerleader outfit, and the promise ring that you gave me. The only promise I want from you is the one that says I will never hear from your obnoxious, arrogant, weirdly-shaped head again.

  Sincerely,

  Birdie

  P.S. No, we’re never going to repeat the night you won the homecoming game. I have a secret to tell you: I never cared about football then, and I still don’t.

  I sat back feeling satisfied. Take that, asshole. As if I would let him stay with me. Was he out of his ever-loving mind?

  Minutes later, I saw a response pop up in my inbox.

  To My Mouthy Ex-Girlfriend,

  Birdie, I’m guessing that you still have repressed feelings for my big head. I don’t blame you. If I’d gotten to be with a hunk like me, I wouldn’t have gotten over it, either. I’ll be in San Francisco for a week. I bet you can fit me in for three hours and twenty minutes. That was our record, remember? Please don’t go into the ocean with any sharks. I’d hate to have to rescue you in the water again … oh wait … that was just an excuse to show off in a wet t-shirt before, wasn’t it? I’m looking forward to seeing you. Maybe I’ll treat you to a Forty-Niners game. You know I can get VIP tickets to any game. We both know you’ll be there. I’d hate to have to let your momma in on some of your secrets.

  Your sexy ex,

  Hunter Augustus Beauregard III

  P.S. There are many things I’d love to repeat. I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you the first one. :)

  I could just imagine the cocky grin on his face as he was writing. It made me so furious that I couldn’t stop myself from responding.

  “I blocked you, remember? So don’t bother calling.”

  I hit send again and sat back, more annoyed than I’d been in a long time. I jumped up out of my chair and headed towards the office kitchen to grab myself a drink and a snack.

  “What race are you entering?” Olivia almost bumped into me as we walked into the break room at the same time.

  “Huh?” In my mind, I was still picturing myself murdering Hunter.

  “Birdie, are you okay? You seem distracted.”

  “I’m fine,” I growled in a voice that showed that I was anything but.

  “Birdie, it’s me. You can talk to me.” Olivia’s voice was coaxing.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Olivia. I’m fed up with being the person who’s always whining and complaining. For once, I want to be the positive, upbeat person.”

  “Birdie, you’re one of the most fun, upbeat people I know. That’s why I know something’s wrong.” She gave me a wry smile. “Because you’re not happy. You’re normally always happy.”

  “I know. I am, aren’t I?” I groaned. “I’m just so annoyed!”

  “Oh gosh, what’s happened?”

  “Remember I told you about my ex?”

  “Well, you told us a little bit about him. Not much.”

  “Yeah, I know. I hate talking about him. He’s such an asshole. But …” I paused for dramatic effect.

  She stared at me, looking patiently into my eyes. “Yes?” she prodded.

  “Well, Hunter emailed me. Actually, he texted me, and then he emailed me after I blocked him.”

  “Wow. He’s a bit of a stalker, isn’t he?”

  “He’s a total stalker,” I groaned. “An absolute, total asshole stalker.”

  “Wow. So I’m guessing you really like him.” She laughed.

  “You don’t even know how much I despise this man.”

  “So, what did he say in his texts and his emails?”

  “Basically, he’s coming to San Francisco, which I already knew. And he wants to meet up with me—as if that’s ever going to happen. And then … “

  “Yeah?” she said.

  “He kind of brought up some stuff from our past that I did not think was appropriate.”

  “What sort of stuff?”

  “Sexual stuff,” I whispered.

  “Oh, wow,” she laughed. “Sounds like Hunter wants Birdie back.”

  “Oh, no way! There’s no way he wants me back, and there’s no way I want him back. He knows it’s never going to happen.”

  “I’m sure if he asked you for one night you’d think about it.”

  “He wouldn’t ask me for one night because he knows it’s not going to happen.”

  “You don’t think he would want one more night with you, Birdie?”

  “Well, I’m sure he would want one more night with me.,” I laughed. “Come on. I’m me. I’m Birdie. I’m the best, probably the best he’s ever had and will ever have.”

  “That’s my Birdie,” she grinned. “So, you wouldn’t be up for one night with him?”

  “Oh, hell no. I wouldn’t be up for one second with him. I want nothing to do with that man!”

  “Wow. What did he do that burned you so badly?”

  “Girl, you do not want to know.”

  “Actually, I do want to know. Are you ever going to tell us or not?”

  “I don’t know, maybe over a drink or something. It’s kind of embarrassing and kind of stupid, and you’re going to think I’m a fool.”

  “Why would I think you’re a fool?”

  “You’re going to think I’m a fool for ever dating someone who was so immature as he was.”

  “But didn’t you guys start dating in high school?”

  “Yeah, we dated all through high school and all through college.”

  “Wow. That’s a pretty intense relationship for being so young.”

  “Yeah, it really was. I mean, I thought he was the man I was going to marry. Like, we were like the ‘it’ couple in Bluffton.”

  “That’s where you guys are from?”

  “Yeah. Bluffton, South Carolina. Have you ever seen that show Heart of Dixie?” I asked her.

  “Was that set in Bluffton?”

  “No, it wasn’t set in Bluffton, but it was a town sort of like it. Everyone knew everyone and everyone knew everyone’s business, but it was sort of more …”

  “Rich?”


  I made a face. “I hate to say that because I hate to sound like a snob, but it was sort of like a more upper-class version of the town in Heart of Dixie.”

  “Okay. So you’re telling me you come from money?”

  “Um, you could say that. I mean, my parents have money, but I don’t have money. So I don’t really come from money. Or I guess I do. That doesn’t make sense, does it? I do come from money, but I don’t have any money. Yeah, that’s it.”

  “And I’m guessing—Hunter, you said his name was?”

  “Yeah, Hunter.”

  “I’m guessing Hunter also comes from money?”

  “Yeah, Hunter comes from money, and now he has money too because of course he works at his dad’s bank.”

  “His dad has a bank?”

  “Yeah, I guess his great-great-grandfather started it. It’s like one of the biggest banks in South Carolina.”

  “Okay. And your ex-boyfriend is the owner of the bank?”

  “No. His father is the chairperson or whatever they call it of the bank. And I guess Hunter will succeed him when he retires.”

  “Wow. So your ex-boyfriend is going to be the owner of a bank, a whole bank.” her jaw dropped. “Shoot, he sounds like he’s richer than Tate and Jagger combined.”

  “Well, I don’t know about that. Remember, it’s a small bank. It’s not like Chase or Bank of America or anything. Though he did say he’s coming to San Francisco because they’re trying to merge with some bank here. I guess it must be like some credit union or something, I don’t know.”

  “So he’s coming for business? Huh.”

  “What do you mean, huh?”

  “I mean, at first I thought he was coming specifically to see you.”