by Lucy Dawson
It took longer than expected, but by the time I was closing the incision on the right breast, I was feeling much happier. ‘Good.’ I looked down at the edges of the skin I’d carefully joined back together. She’d have neater scars now too.
‘We’re done. Thanks, everyone. Have a good weekend.’
I walked away from the table, past the tray containing the redundant bloodied breast implants and went to scrub out. Glancing at the clock, I prayed the traffic wasn’t too bad. I wanted to get home in plenty of time to catch up with the kids over their tea before the babysitter arrived and I had to start getting ready. I was tired and didn’t feel like going out to dinner, but a school mum from home had kindly put me in touch with someone she knew, who lived in Exeter… she had equally kindly invited me and Ewan to dinner to meet them and some other local couples. It was a good opportunity to start building a social life and important to make the effort. Mindful, however, of how aggressive – probably frightened – Mrs Dowden’s daughter had been, I went down to recovery before leaving, to find what I hoped would be a much more relaxed and relieved family.
I could hear them talking as I rounded the corner, which was always a good sign, but as I slipped around the curtain, I discovered Nathan there, chatting away like an old friend.
‘Hello!’ I said in surprise. ‘It’s not your day here, is it?’
‘I wanted to pop in and check on Mrs Dowden.’ He had his arms crossed. ‘I did her original reconstruction, of course, and was only sorry I couldn’t be here today, but thank you for stepping in, Julia. All’s well that ends well. You’ll be much more comfortable now, Mrs Dowden, and home again in no time. We’ll let you get some rest. Shall we?’ He gestured for us to leave, but I held up a hand. I hadn’t had a chance to—
‘Thank you so much, Mr Sloan, for all you’ve done,’ the daughter interjected. ‘And for taking the time to explain what could have caused Mum’s reaction to the implant so thoroughly.’ She glared at me.
‘Not a problem at all. Pleasure,’ Nathan said. ‘You can always reach me if you have any more concerns, but I’m sure this is going to mark a real turning point. Now, if you’ve no further questions?’
They shook their heads.
‘Well, you both take care. I don’t want to see you back here again, OK?’ He pointed warningly at Mrs Dowden and grinned, pulling the curtain back. She actually giggled and after that, there didn’t seem anything for me to add.
I simply said, ‘Glad you’re feeling more comfortable now.’ They briefly glanced in my direction as if I was an extra in Casualty who hadn’t really warranted a line, and we left.
To my surprise, Nathan marched off ahead and had reached the double doors when I called after him, still trying to make sense of what had just happened.
‘I didn’t explain to the family about what could have caused the encapsulation because the daughter started asking if excessive handling of the implant might have been responsible,’ I explained as I caught up with him and we pushed through the doors together. ‘I wasn’t being lazy. I just didn’t want to get into that.’
He looked appalled as we made our way back to the office. ‘Excessive handling? What’s wrong with these people? Always looking for someone to blame. I did what I always did: out of sterile conditions, straight into her. No messing. Did they say anything else?’
‘No. Nothing at all.’
‘Good.’ He exhaled. ‘I certainly don’t think you were being lazy, and I don’t want you to think I was checking up on you, either.’
That hadn’t occurred to me until he said it.
‘I came in because – and this is going to sound daft – old Ma Dowden really reminds me of my mother. They’re both of the generation that dismisses the opinion of other women completely, but if a man says exactly the same thing, it’s gospel, so I hope she wasn’t unpleasant to you? I was worried she might let rip…’
‘Well, that was nice that you wanted to back me up.’ So that was why he’d more or less taken over? We arrived back and he stood to one side to let me through the door first. ‘It obviously meant a lot to them that you came in too.’ I hesitated, but before I had the chance to say anything else, one of the nurses appeared, putting an envelope on Tan’s desk.
‘Nice new colour!’ Nathan remarked as she passed him. ‘That really suits you!’
‘Thanks Mr S!’ she called over her shoulder, patting her hair as she left, and I stared at him, rather thrown by that unexpected comment.
‘There’s something else I needed to mention.’ He didn’t notice my stare, just carried on. ‘You’re out to dinner tonight to meet some new friends, aren’t you?’ He held up a hand and pointed at himself. ‘Me – I’m one of the “new friends”.’
‘Oh!’ I exclaimed, before I could help myself.
‘I know, sorry. It only clicked when my wife said Stefanie and Steve had invited us to dinner to introduce a new couple to the area. “She’s a surgeon at the hospital; he’s a teacher at St Ben’s… ” I told you – Exeter is a very small world. Anyway, I’m going to cancel. No one wants to hang out with their colleagues when they’ve been at work with them all week.’
His tone was brusque, and I paused. ‘Well, you’re honest, at least!’ I tried to laugh.
He blushed. ‘No, no – I meant you probably don’t want to hang out with me!’
‘Oh!’ I laughed properly. ‘I thought you were just being forthright that you find me boring. Please come. It’d be nice to have a familiar face there.’
He scratched his head. ‘Well, I guess I might see you in a bit then.’ He picked up a very nicely tailored camel coat, slung casually over the back of his chair. ‘You going for a run on the way home?’ He pointed at my trainers poking out of my gym bag under my desk.
‘No, I went before work. I’m more of a morning person. Hang on – are Stefanie and Steve smart?’ I called after him as he went to leave. ‘I’ve never actually met them before.’
‘He’s a partner in a local law firm. She’s a barrister at the chambers around the corner from him. Think three courses at the dining table, special china.’ He slipped his coat on. ‘Take the good wine and don’t wear your wellies.’
‘Oh ha ha.’ But I smiled as he disappeared. I’d missed being able to joke around with colleagues. It felt good.
‘Hi, Julia,’ another surgeon, Eleni, walked in and looked around. ‘The men have all gone home, eh? It’s OK, we will finish up! Has a scan just been brought into here that was meant for me?’
‘Something just went onto Tan’s desk?’
‘Ah!’ She walked across and peered at the envelope over the top of her glasses. ‘That’s the one. Thank you.’ She picked it up then paused to rub the back of her neck and groaned. ‘I’m getting too old for all of this hunching over! Was that Nathan I just saw leaving?’
‘Yes.’ I smiled.
‘On a Friday?’
‘That’s what I said!’ I laughed. ‘But he came in to check on a patient of his, so I guess we can’t be too mean.’
‘Yes, he likes taking care of people.’ She hesitated, seeming to consider something and took her glasses off. ‘You know, in all my years as a surgeon, I’ve put up with walking down corridors in scrubs and people saying “excuse me, nurse?”.’
I smiled encouragingly, although this was sounding like the start of a longer-than-I-had-time-for anecdote.
‘A man puts on scrubs and bam – he’s a surgeon, the big man, yes?’ she continued. ‘And it’s the little things too – surgical instruments are made to fit a man’s hand. The damn gloves are too big. I don’t need to tell you – you’ve got children… you’ve missed first steps, school plays… this job has tried to make a man of you. Years ago, I had a friend who was a nurse. She said to me, “why is it all female registrars are lovely, so approachable, but then they become surgeons and it stops? They won’t talk to the nurses anymore”.’ Eleni shrugged. ‘I protested – but she was right, we have to become like the men. For survival.’
My eyes widened. I hadn’t seen that coming. Eleni was a beautiful but steely sixty-something Greek grandmother. ‘What’s “hot”?’ I repeated, making sure that was really what she’d said.
‘Yes,’ she said, impatiently. ‘Attractive, sexy. I’ll tell you,’ she put her glasses back on, ‘it has nothing to do with how they look. It’s the way I hear them speak to their patients and the way they listen. Tan, for example. He is a gentle and sincere man – and oh! Be still, my heart!’ She clapped her hand to her bosom. ‘They are the authentic ones. They don’t need to be “seen” caring.
‘Now Nathan Sloan is very attentive. And recently I notice things, that someone about to retire doesn’t want to see.’
She placed a hand briefly on my shoulder. ‘You didn’t get to this point without knowing how things should work. You spoke out. You were a public champion. I read about you in the papers and I cheered. So perhaps you will keep your eyes open in this quiet little place.’ She looked at me meaningfully then her face broke into a broad smile. ‘You look dismayed. I know, I know – but what do I care anymore? Just days, Julia and I’m outta here!’
I thought about the hair colour comment I’d just heard Nathan make, the nurses I’d seen him flirting with before we’d even been introduced, and cleared my throat. ‘I’ll be honest, Eleni. It took me about five minutes to work out Nathan is “popular” with the female staff, although I’m grateful for the warning. You’re very kind to think I still feature on the radar of men in that way.’
She stared at me for a moment. ‘We women! Who needs the men to do it when we put ourselves down so well, eh?’
I blushed. ‘Fair point, but Nathan has been a good friend to me since I arrived here. I will say that.’ I held up my hands as if in surrender, as I thought about him leading Dom away.
‘Attentive, yes!’ She was becoming impatient with me. ‘This is what I’m saying. Listen Julia, you are female – he’s interested, OK? He has an agenda.’
Wow. She was really pushing the point. ‘Well, thank you, but even if he did have an “agenda” I’m not some med student whose knickers will fly off for Dr Handsome because everyone falls hopelessly in love with him. I would have some say in the matter, and I’m very happily married, thank you.’ My tone was tarter than I’d intended, but Eleni’s face broke into a wide smile.
‘That’s more like it!’ She patted me on the arm. ‘Have a good weekend.’
I was still thinking about Eleni’s warning when Al found me putting on a bit of make-up. ‘Mum – Cass is looking for you.’
‘OK. Well, she’ll find me, but thank you, darling.’
He watched me sweep mascara over my eyelashes curiously.
‘How’s the settling in going?’ I asked conversationally, as it seemed he was staying put.
‘Um. Someone pulled my chair out, so when I sat down it wasn’t there and they laughed. Ben told them to leave me alone.’ He scratched his head. ‘They haven’t actually touched me though, which is good.’
I paused, wand in mid-air, stomach lurching at the thought of him sprawled on the floor, confused and humiliated, as everyone pointed and jeered. Not being able to be there to protect him at all times was the hardest part of parenting. I put my hand down and looked at him in the mirror, sitting on the bed behind me. ‘Alex, you will tell me if you aren’t happy and things become too difficult again, won’t you?’
He nodded. ‘It’ll get better,’ he said, decisively. ‘I’m just not the sort of person people notice. Or if they do, it’s for the wrong reasons. I’ll make some friends when people get to know the real me.’
I couldn’t speak for a moment. Eventually, I cleared my throat and turned to face him. ‘I think you’re very brave.’
‘And that’s a good thing?’
I nodded, my eyes shining. ‘A very good thing indeed.’
‘Oh – so you’re both in here.’ Cass appeared in the doorway. ‘Al says you’ve got us a babysitter.’ She crossed her arms. ‘Is that true?’
Al left the room hurriedly.
‘We’re thirteen!’ she continued. ‘It’s so embarrassing! Who even is this person?’
‘One of the gap students from school?’ I confessed.
Her mouth fell open melodramatically. ‘You are kidding me? So now everyone at school will know too? How could you do this to us? Do you know nothing about how it works?’
‘We’re in a new area; I’m going out for the evening past your bedtime. Alex sometimes needs a bit of support. This isn’t about you.’
‘I can look after myself and Al,’ she insisted. ‘I always do. This is unbelievable!’ Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Is this just about the babysitter or is there something…’ I trailed off as she simply flounced out without letting me finish. Not for the first or last time, reminding me of her mother.
‘She’ll be fine,’ Ewan assured me in the car on the way to Stefanie and Steve’s. ‘Just try and relax. I’m really looking forward to meeting some new people.’
‘About that. Nathan Sloan’s coming with his wife, Storm.’
Ewan’s face fell.
‘It’s OK. He won’t have told anyone about Dominic.’
Ewan shot a glance at me. ‘I meant more that they’re parents at the school, so I better mind my p’s and q’s.’
‘Oh, I see. But I don’t think you have to worry. Nate’s not like that. You’ll like him.’
Ewan raised an eyebrow, not missing the ‘Nate’, but he didn’t comment further and, slightly embarrassed, I didn’t either. My informality had surprised me as much as it had him.
Nathan was right. Stefanie and Steve were extremely smart. We were the first to arrive, and once we’d done the introductions and passed over the wine we’d bought, we were ushered into an immaculate sitting room – a properly grown-up, luxurious space that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a boutique hotel. The fire was lit, with a huge mirror hanging over a mantelpiece carrying lots of handwritten cards and stiff formal invitations: evidence of busy, full lives.
I perched on the edge of a very plumped-up dove-grey sofa and prepared to begin the excruciating business of blind-dating the couple whose home we were in, but I needn’t have worried. Stefanie was a borderline professional hostess. Her small talk was as polished as the silver picture frames sitting on the piano and sideboard, displaying black and white pictures of beautiful, long-limbed, almost adult children, captured with tousled beach hair in various exotic locations. There was one of Stefanie at the centre of the arrangement, taken some time ago, laughing into the camera on board a yacht, dressed in a swimsuit, displaying endless legs.
‘Honestly, don’t,’ she remarked, finding me looking at it. ‘It’s high time that went into the attic – it’s not doing any good down here; people keep thinking it’s my eldest, Flora – it’s too depressing for words! What a lovely jumpsuit you’re wearing!’
I looked down at myself.
‘Thank you. I had to take about five yards off the hem, but…’
‘Well, you wouldn’t know,’ she said. ‘It looks like the whole thing was made for you, and navy is so flattering. Now tell me, how are you finding life in the South West?’
‘I love it,’ I said, truthfully. ‘This is such a beautiful part of the world. Open countryside five minutes out of the city centre, right next to the sea, close enough to Cornwall to pop in for day trips. What’s not to like?’
She nodded in agreement. ‘We’re very lucky, aren’t we? And how are you liking being “out” of Exeter, rather than “in”?’
She proceeded to smoothly grill me, asking interested questions, but making genuinely helpful suggestions. Had I joined a gym? She’d recommend hers. I was a r
unner? There were excellent running clubs and the indoor climbing centre was fabulous. Were the children settling into school? Had I considered some out-of-school clubs for Alex, in that case? That might take some of the pressure off everything being centred around the one environment; give him a little respite and help him feel more ‘involved’ locally, all at the same time. Was he sporty? Arty? She’d send me some links… I didn’t get the chance to ask her a thing about herself in return, and felt gauche when the bell went again and she jumped up to let in a heavily pregnant woman whose name I didn’t quite catch and her accountant husband, followed by Nathan and his wife. I knew she’d arrived because I smelt her perfume before she even came into the room.
When she did appear, clutching a glass Stefanie had already handed her, she smiled tightly at us. ‘Sorry we’re late! We’ve got builder issues at the moment. Nice to meet you all – I’m Storm.’
So I’d guessed what she was called correctly. I raised my glass of wine in greeting. She was dressed in a beautiful, black cocktail number. I hadn’t appreciated Devon would be quite so chic.
‘I missed your name?’
I realised she was talking to me and I was staring at her. ‘Sorry – I’m Julia. I think we might have children in the same class? I’m Alex’s mum.’ I decided not to do the ‘we met outside the kids’ classroom on the first day of term, actually’, as she’d obviously forgotten me. Fair enough as I hadn’t seen her since then. Ewan had done most of the subsequent pick-up and drop-offs – the joy of having him on site.
‘Ah – Alex and the much-discussed Cassia.’ She smiled, but her tone was cool.
