The Secret Within: A totally gripping psychological thriller with a jaw-dropping twist

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘So when did you find out Dom was coming?’ Ewan said casually, staring straight ahead, his gaze on the road. I could tell he was making a huge effort to stay calm in front of the kids, but that he was furious too. Not even half past ten in the morning and already everything had veered wildly off course.

  ‘I’m not going to speak to Dad. You can’t make me,’ Alex interjected from the back. ‘He can take his stupid giant guinea pigs away too. And that dumb tiger.’

  ‘No!’ Cass said. ‘I like it.’

  ‘You can’t even sleep with it in your room.’ Alex glared at her. ‘Just admit it.’

  ‘Julia, I don’t have to give Whisper back, do I?’ Cass leant forward and pulled my sleeve. ‘That’d just be rude to Dom, wouldn’t it?’

  ‘All of you – please!’ I shouted suddenly, and they looked at me in surprise. Cass drew back into her seat.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said immediately. ‘I really do have a headache. Could I just have a moment of peace and quiet, do you think?’

  ‘Well, as we’re almost home, I think that’s unlikely.’ Ewan looked sideways at me. ‘Can I just ask how you want to play this? You want me involved or do I just say nothing and leave it to you?’

  ‘Look, I’m sure we won’t need to—’ I began but the sound died on my lips as we turned into our drive only to see Dom actually sitting on our doorstep. I sat forward in my seat, peering incredulously as if I was hallucinating.

  My rage reached boiling point, instantly. No build up – just there, like him. How many times must I tell him? Was no one hearing me anymore?

  ‘I think let’s just try and get him inside.’ Ewan took off his seat belt. ‘I don’t want a scene outside for everyone to hear.’

  But it was too late; I had already thrown open the door and was marching towards Dom. He was holding an iPad in his hands and waved it with a delighted smile. ‘Hey, you’re home after all! I thought you might be…’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I hissed at him, with a fury that took even me by surprise. ‘Why? WHY are you here?’

  ‘Hey!’ He stumbled to his feet. ‘I only wanted to drop this off for Al.’ He held the tablet up. ‘Someone gave it to me and I thought he might like it. It’s a bigger screen than his phone. We could FaceTime on it. It would feel a bit less remote.’

  ‘You live two hundred and fifty miles away!’ I exclaimed. ‘You don’t just drop something off! You arrange to come up!’

  Ewan and the kids had climbed out too. Al looked down at the floor as Dom held out the iPad. ‘Hey kiddo! Look what I’ve got for you?’

  ‘Let’s do this inside, shall we?’ Ewan glanced around us and smiled at the couple who had stopped in the drive entrance with their small dog and a bag of shopping.

  ‘Good news, Dom!’ the man called. ‘You weren’t locked out for too long then?’

  ‘I know, right?’ Dom reached down beside him, picking up an empty mug I’d not noticed, before jogging over to hand it back. ‘Thank you so much for the tea and biscuit though, Ian!’

  I was so stunned by this exchange, horrified at what Dom might have told the neighbours we didn’t even know by name ourselves yet, as they waved and disappeared into the house opposite, that everything slowed right down. I simply stopped as if I had hit pause. I imagined what that would feel like: everything static – no moving cars; no sound of birds; leaves suspended in the air as they fell from the trees; Dom frozen halfway back to us, tablet tucked under his arm; Ewan with his hand lifted, key in the lock. Cass looking down and Al trying to hide the fact that he was crying. I stepped outside of myself and regarded the scene calmly for a moment. I could walk up to Dom and scream my frustration in his face – but what good would that do? I took a deep breath, regained control and everything started up again. Dom arrived next to me; the front door opened. ‘Get inside,’ I said to Dom, keeping my voice low. My expression didn’t change. He frowned but did as he was told.

  I turned to Cass and Al. ‘Go upstairs, please, to your rooms. Put some music on, watch some TV in our room if you like. I’ll come and get you in a bit.’

  They filed past me without a word.

  ‘Don’t forget your new iPad!’ Dom said, holding it out to him in the hallway as Al passed. He grabbed it without a word and ran upstairs as Ewan and I came in and closed the front door.

  ‘OK, so you’re angry with me for saying I was locked out when I don’t actually live here,’ Dom said, hands up defensively as I stared at him. ‘I needed to say something to explain why I was just sitting there. They don’t mind, anyway. Ian said it was lovely we all get on so well together that I’ve got my own key.’ Dom looked at me hopefully, and I laughed in disbelief. What was it with these men? Dom repeatedly turning up out of the blue; Nathan’s ridiculous declaration at the beach; Richard calmly sitting on the edge of my desk at the Royal Grace telling me no one would believe me and everyone would trust HIM.

  I was sick of it – sick of them all.

  ‘You’re less trouble when you’re pissed or sleeping it off,’ I said out loud, and Dom’s eyes widened in shock. ‘I told you not to come here. Your son does not want to see you at the moment, but you still think you know best and come anyway. It’s great that you’ve been sober for a couple of weeks but stop thinking about yourself and what YOU want. You are damaging Alex with this behaviour and I won’t let it continue. Get out now, before I call the police and tell them you’ve been stalking our property, trying to convince the neighbours you live here, and harassing us for access to Alex that we haven’t agreed with the courts. You’ll be hearing from my solicitor about the next steps I’m going to take.’

  Dom looked like he was going to throw up. ‘You’re going to stop me from seeing him?’

  ‘Get out,’ I repeated.

  ‘I came to bring him a present,’ he said desperately. ‘I just wanted to—’

  ‘Get out!’ I said it again, like a stuck record, and Ewan stepped forward alongside me.

  ‘You really do have to leave now, Dominic.’

  Dom turned on him. ‘This is nothing to do with you!’

  ‘Becoming aggressive is not going to help your cause.’ Ewan switched into teacher mode. ‘Think about this: see it from Julia and Alex’s point of view.’

  ‘Oh, do me a favour.’ Dom laughed. ‘Like you understand her so well, when she’s moved you all down here for some other bloke. She’s doing to you exactly what she did to me, only you’re too dumb to see it. After being married to Lise, I would have thought you’d learnt to spot the signs, mate.’

  Ewan’s jaw clenched. ‘Do not talk about Lise like that.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, never speak ill of the dead, even when they liked to mess around on the side and we all knew it.’ Dom deliberately taunted him, but somehow Ewan managed not to react. ‘Jules will leave you for this flash git, Nathan, just like she left me for you.’

  ‘Nathan?’ Ewan looked pityingly at Dom. ‘That’s who you mean? He’s her work colleague, that’s all.’

  The blood had stopped moving around my body.

  ‘And she didn’t leave you for me.’ Ewan didn’t raise his voice. ‘Lise was still alive when you two separated. Julia left you because your marriage broke down. I didn’t become involved with Julia until after Lise died. You know that’s true, so why pretend otherwise? We’ve moved here for a new start, all of us together. You have to accept that. We want you to be a part of Alex’s life, but not like this. We’ll work everything out, OK? But right now, you need to leave and go home.’

  Dom hesitated, then wiped his chin and mouth with his hand, before looking at me, his expression haunted. ‘You really mean it?’ he said softly. ‘I’m less trouble pissed? Jesus!’ He looked up at the ceiling and his eyes filled with tears. ‘I’ve worked so hard, Jules. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t believe you’d say that to me.’

  He pushed past me, yanking the door open and banging it so hard behind him that the whole fragile fabric of the old building shook.
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br />   Upstairs in his bedroom, I put my arm round Alex’s thin shoulders as he cried, hating Dom with a passion for making our son feel so confused and helpless, for not giving him the space to be angry – while simultaneously wondering how on earth I was supposed to tell Ewan what had happened at the beach now? Dom’s ridiculous assertion wasn’t going to seem quite so laughable in the context of Nathan having just kissed me.

  ‘Are you going to stop him from seeing me, like Dad said, before he shouted at Ewan?’ Alex clutched the tablet to his chest.

  ‘I want Dad to remember that he has to ask before he comes here. He can’t just show up whenever he likes – even if it’s to bring you a present. Otherwise, I’m going to have to make some new rules that he’ll have to stick to, yes.’

  ‘I don’t even want this now.’ Al held out the iPad to me. ‘It’s caused too much trouble. Can you look after it?’

  ‘Sure.’ I took it from him.

  ‘I should have told him that I was angry with him instead of just ignoring him, but I didn’t feel brave enough.’ Alex looked down at the floor, fresh tears falling from his face. ‘I’m not very good at saying how I feel.’

  ‘I think you’re really good at it.’ I took his hand, only for him to pull back away from me.

  ‘No, I’m not. Can I just be on my own for a bit now, Mum?’

  Having just spoken about respecting boundaries, I could hardly insist I stay, even though I wanted to, very much. I got up.

  ‘I’m going to go and start fixing some lunch. What do you fancy? Burgers, maybe? I was thinking too, we might go and check out the sailing club later this afternoon. I’ve always wanted to learn to sail. I wondered if you might like to try it with me?’

  ‘Maybe,’ he said miserably and turned away from me. He was still crying when I closed the door quietly.

  As I shoved the wretched iPad on top of my wardrobe and finally began to strip my still-clammy gym gear to go for a shower, I decided then and there not to tell Ewan what Nathan had done. Dom’s absurd allegations would only make the kiss seem more significant than it was. What the hell had Nathan been thinking? It couldn’t just be about sex. I threw my leggings in the dirty clothes basket and stared at my reflection in our full-length mirror. No make-up, lank hair. No kidding I wasn’t into ‘artifice’. Although I took Eleni’s point about not putting myself down, I still looked like a normal, pretty tired woman in her forties; hardly hot enough to be driving someone wild with desire. That was just fact. Nathan’s absurd declaration had to be motivated by something else. Power? Was it about him needing to be in charge of me? He wanted to be top dog? In which case, that made him no different to pretty much all other male surgeons I’d ever worked with, except Nathan had gone to slightly more trouble with his X Factor backstory of bullying and his intriguing eyes. Worst-case scenario, Eleni was right and there was something even more significant in play. What had she said? Keep watch in this quiet little place?

  Well my eyes were wide open now.

  Sixteen

  Hamish

  Watching the two of them prowl around each other like cats on Monday morning was exasperating as it was inevitable.

  Julia arrived first and smiled in relief to see me – so obviously didn’t want to be on her own with Nate.

  He blew in like a whirlwind five minutes later. She didn’t look up, just ignored him and frowned at her screen as if there was something particularly demanding she had to concentrate on. I saw him glance at her, hesitate and open his mouth, so I jumped in quickly.

  ‘What time do you call this?’ I joked. ‘Want me to pop down and consent your patients and do the team brief for you?’

  Nathan gave me a wintery smile. He still hadn’t apologised for what he’d said to me on the beach. ‘I don’t want to bugger my day up completely, so no thanks. Morning, Julia.’ He hung up his coat. ‘How are you feeling?’ He turned to look at her, his face a picture of sympathy. ‘All better? We were sorry you had to leave us so suddenly on Saturday.’

  ‘I’m fine, thank you.’ She glanced up and held his gaze coolly, then smiled. It was a twist of pure steel. ‘Everything’s back to normal.’ She might as well have said Don’t ever try to fuck with me again, out loud.

  ‘Good!’ he said after a moment’s pause. ‘Delighted to hear it.’ He looked at the door. He wanted to talk to her alone. I didn’t get it. I simply didn’t understand how he could be married to Storm and want a snotty bitch like Julia instead. When he’d abandoned Storm mid-sentence on the beach and run off, leaving me to pick up the pieces, I’d been incredulous. I’d held her tightly as she cried, stroked her hair and reassured her – when she pulled back – that Nathan was definitely not sleeping with Julia Blythe. I love Nate dearly, but I really could slap him sometimes. If Storm belonged to me, I would cherish her. The girl is exquisite. Perfectly formed.

  Nathan cleared his throat. ‘Could I just grab a quick word with you, Julia?’ He pointed at the door.

  She glanced up. ‘I’m so sorry, I really need to finish this.’ She nodded at her screen. It was a battle of wills. ‘I’m afraid it will have to keep.’

  Ouch.

  ‘Of course.’ He smiled at her and after that put-down, obviously felt the need to remind her – or himself – of his genius. ‘Right, I must go rebuild a hand! See you both later!’

  He might as well have pissed around her desk to mark his scent before leaving.

  I sighed inwardly. It was all so frustrating. I’d been careful to slowly put my foot on the brake – outright telling Nathan what he can and can’t do is always catastrophic. Suggesting that it would be better if he didn’t shag her was perhaps unhelpful, but Julia had made me uneasy from the moment I met her. I just shouldn’t have allowed Nate to persuade me that she was the right person to back as the next member of our team. We’d have been better off pushing for some innocent newbie, like Tan had been when he’d arrived. In all honesty, I also didn’t expect Nathan to be quite so drawn to a woman as asexual as her – she’s not his usual type at all – and neither did I expect her to reject him so emphatically when he tried it on. It’s really as simple as that. I’ve never known anyone not fall for him when he has them in his sights.

  I should have trusted my gut instinct and shut the whole thing down before it began. He would have been none the wiser if I’d made some manoeuvres behind the scenes. She would have applied for the post anyway, but she wouldn’t have got anywhere, and Nate wouldn’t now be in such deep conflict with himself. One minute he was setting her up, the next passionately declaring ‘love’. He certainly believed himself to be suffering, and it was also very clear he was now going to pursue Julia at any cost.

  It was equally obvious to me – as someone well used to being rejected by women – that Julia was not going to change her mind… all of which presented me with a problem. I’d been alarmed by Nathan’s heartfelt and insistent vow at the beach that we needed to radically change our ‘wicked’ ways. I didn’t want to. I liked my life the way it was and I wasn’t going to change a thing – certainly not on Julia Blythe’s account. So, what to do?

  Julia herself wasn’t much of an issue. Her position only needed reinforcing. It was Nate who required more active management to make sure he wasn’t about to chuck the baby out with the bathwater. He needed a distraction.

  I checked my phone and glanced at the image I hadn’t deleted; the two of them kissing. On the plus side, we’d achieved our aim – we had dirt on Julia – which was the main thing. Now, I just had to make sure he wasn’t about to mess it all up.

  As usual, it was going to be down to me to sort everything out.

  Seventeen

  Julia

  Once Nathan left the room, I quietly exhaled with relief. Awkward though our brief exchange had been, it was at least now done. I’d made it clear to him that I wasn’t going to be difficult about things. I’d been polite but firm; he had misjudged the moment at the beach but there was nothing more to be said about it. Nathan had got the message,
I was certain of that, while Hamish had remained none the wiser that anything was out of the ordinary. A good result all round.

  It had actually been an easier encounter than I’d expected – almost as if the kiss hadn’t happened at all – which was exactly how I’d asked Nathan to behave… but so much for ‘love’. I shook my head lightly and returned to my notes. It had been the right call to keep it to myself – we still had to work together. Least said, soonest mended, while now keeping my guard well and truly up.

  My phone began to ring in my pocket and when I saw it was my former mother-in-law, I forgot about Nathan – steeling myself for a far more difficult conversation. No doubt Dominic had told her about my legal threats. I hurried out into the corridor – but again, I was wrong-footed.

  ‘Julia dear? It’s Sorcha. I didn’t expect you to pick up. I thought you’d be at work?’

  ‘I am – but I’m glad you called. I was going to—’

  ‘Darling, Dom relapsed again yesterday. Very badly. We’ve talked and he’s going into a residential rehab in Scotland for twelve weeks as of Wednesday, if we can get the admissions forms completed and sorted in time. He agrees it’s the best course of action. We can’t carry on like this. I wanted to let you know, obviously, so that you can discuss whatever you think is appropriate with Alex.’

  ‘Twelve weeks? Wow. Of course and thank you for letting me know. Are you taking him?’

  ‘Yes. He got into a scuffle last night and his face is a little battered this morning, but it’ll be fine.’

  I closed my eyes. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s my fault. I shouted at him. Is he OK?’

  ‘It was at Paddington Station, and you’re not responsible for the decisions he makes. They patched him up in A&E and he’ll be grand. He’s sleeping it all off now.’

  The poor, poor woman. ‘Are you all right?’