The Secret Within: A totally gripping psychological thriller with a jaw-dropping twist

by Lucy Dawson

  ‘You misunderstood my question. That’s all I’m going to say on that.’ She walked over to her desk and picked up her phone, only to hesitate at the door and look back at Nathan, who was doing well to keep his hands clasped behind his back and a blank expression on his face. ‘I can imagine what he’s told you.’ She gestured at Nate. ‘I’d urge you to consider that there are two sides to every story.’

  ‘I’m sure you would. I would also remind you of your promise to Nathan and me that you weren’t going to try it on with us.’

  ‘You’re taking that comment completely out of context, as well you know.’ She made for the door.

  ‘I think you twist the context when it suits you.’ I raised my voice, and she stopped, turning back. ‘No wonder your last place tried to get rid of you. Quite the cougar, aren’t you?’

  Her eyebrows shot up. ‘Cougar?’ And she laughed in my face.

  I had to grip onto the edge of the desk to stop myself from marching over to her. How dare she find this funny? This was exactly why I should have trusted my instinct and blocked her application. I should have tossed her back in the pool with the other small fry where she belonged! She was going to wreck everything.

  ‘You think this is amusing?’ I was struggling to keep my voice level. ‘Making disgusting allegations about a dedicated surgeon who will now face, at the very least, the stress of being formally investigated – because of you? You’re really playing this game all over again? We do like the warmth of the spotlight, don’t we?’

  She looked down at the floor. ‘I knew you didn’t agree with what I did at the Royal Grace. I saw it on your face when I was telling you what happened. Richard Norris was a—’

  ‘…man who made one surgical mistake,’ I interjected.

  ‘How can you possibly know that’s true? You weren’t there!’ she exclaimed. ‘He had a reputation for—’

  ‘Oh!’ I cut in. ‘A reputation! Well then! Sack him immediately! Discount years of excellent surgical outcomes! He had a reputation.’

  ‘Filming women naked, without their knowledge, is not a one-off mistake. Cutting off a woman’s healthy breast, making careless surgical errors is not a one-time mistake. How sad to see that my biggest barrier remains threatened men who refuse to support me.’ She looked me right in the eye, the bitch.

  ‘Hamish,’ Nathan said quietly. ‘Let’s just go.’ He put a hand on my arm, but I shook it off. While I was aware I had to be careful, she really needed to hear the sort of home truths people are becoming too afraid to say face to face these days!

  ‘Nathan is an extraordinary surgeon with years of experience and hundreds of happy patients. He just gets on with the job and genuinely cares. This is how you repay him for giving you a job when no other hospital wanted to go anywhere near you? I’d heard you were standoffish and self-important, but this?’

  She cleared her throat. ‘I’m aware that I’m not always seen as likeable or warm,’ she began, ‘but—’

  ‘I told you she’d be more trouble than she was worth,’ I turned to Nathan ‘sporting that little whistle in her fanny pack. Well, you know how to blow it all right, don’t you?’ I turned back to her and stuck my tongue in my cheek while making a wanking gesture with my hand.

  ‘Hamish!’ Nathan said sharply. ‘That’s enough! Don’t speak to her like that.’

  ‘You’re being much too kind, Nate,’ I said. ‘She deserves whatever she gets.’

  I turned back to see Julia had tears in her eyes. Of course she did, turning it on for effect. Double standards again. ‘Nobody really wanted you here either. They were going to politely tell you they felt you were too qualified for this position and there wouldn’t be enough high-profile work to hold your interest. It was only because Tan, Nathan and I argued your case. You might think on that – although I can see we underestimated you – you’re very, very good at twisting the “female surgeon versus the patriarchy” narrative to suit your own end, aren’t you?’

  I watched a well-timed tear roll down her cheek and she briefly closed her eyes, as if my words were actually wounding her. She was good – I had to give her that.

  ‘You can go to hell if you think you’re going to force us to take it lying down.’ I made for the door. ‘I’ll defend Nate every step of the way. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

  I left her standing there and started marching back down the corridor. Tan and Michelle were nowhere to be seen, presumably having carried on downstairs.

  ‘Hamish.’

  I turned to see Nathan walking slowly towards me. ‘While I’m grateful for the support, calling her—’

  ‘…who do we send the beach picture to first?’ I cut across him furiously, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone. ‘I vote Joan. We can say someone forwarded it to me anonymously and I’m not sure what to do about it. That ought to be the fastest way to get it everywhere.’

  He put a hand out. ‘I told you. I don’t want to use that picture.’

  ‘You don’t have a choice! You’ve got to start building your case, prove that Julia has a thing for you before the allegations come out; otherwise it won’t be as effective. Open your eyes and start protecting yourself! Julia sold you out!’

  ‘Yes – I’m coming to terms with that. Thank you.’ He looked at my phone, hesitated, then nodded. ‘OK. But tell Joan to keep it under her hat for now.’

  At last! He was starting to see sense. ‘There, it’s done.’ I slipped my phone back into my pocket.

  Nathan exhaled and stared up at the ceiling. ‘I can’t believe she did it. I have tried so hard to change – and it’s not enough, Ham. I have tried so hard.’ His voice trembled.

  ‘You shouldn’t HAVE to change for her. She doesn’t deserve you. Come on,’ I put a hand on his arm, ‘let’s go and get that drink.’

  Twenty-Seven

  Nathan

  Tan shifted in his seat as I picked up my pint and tried to ignore the lyrics of ‘Last Christmas’, just audible over the hum and chatter of the hot and stuffy bar. When we’d arrived, we’d practically had the place to ourselves, before some kids had rocked up. They’d not even asked if we were waiting for more people to join us – just sat down at the far end of our large table like they owned the joint – then steadily the whole place had filled up with clones of them; shouting and shrieking, slopping their drinks everywhere as they hugged noisily and shoved us further into retreat, not even relenting when our food arrived.

  I wished I’d ignored Hamish pushing us to stay for something to eat and gone home, especially when a couple of girls who looked younger than my daughters started singing loudly and tunelessly to each other, no consideration for anyone else around them. Their selfishness and overconfidence needled me badly. They hadn’t even been born when ‘Last Christmas’ first came out – what would they know about giving their heart to someone, only to have it destroyed? It was hard to remember a moment when I’d felt older or lonelier.

  ‘This is good.’ Hamish licked his fingers as he swallowed the last of his burger, then picked an errant piece of food from his teeth. ‘You’re not eating, Nate?’

  I stared down at my tasteless turkey bap and chutney, sitting on a sad square of brown paper, accompanied by a small metal bucket of greasy-looking fries, all served on a chopping board for the princely sum of £14.00. ‘You have it.’

  He shrugged and reached across the table, without offering any to Tan, and glanced at me as he bit into it, the juices dribbling down his chin. ‘Look – Julia didn’t say anything more than she’d reported you, did she?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘All she could have told them was you had cameras in your office.’

  I glanced at Tan, but Hamish waved a dismissive hand. ‘As if he’s going to say anything. You’ve got no timeline yet, have you? No one has contacted you from either hospital?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Well then put it from your mind for now.’

  I turned and looked straight at Tan. ‘I dumpe
d my laptop out at sea. It was a stupid thing to do, but I just panicked.’

  Tan looked confused and wary, but I’d already turned back to Hamish. ‘That’s the party line, right? I say that when asked? Yes?’

  Hamish nodded.

  ‘I imagine it’ll all kick-off tomorrow,’ I continued. ‘I’m going for full suspension. Care to place your bets, gentlemen?’ I drained the dregs of my pint. Suddenly I was pretty desperate for another.

  ‘We don’t have to think about it now.’ Hamish was firm. ‘Have a night off, for God’s sake. You need another drink, pronto! Ah, look! And as if by magic, here comes the lovely Michelle with our next round!’ He raised a suggestive eyebrow, and I turned to look at her crossing the room.

  Her face was prettily flushed with the booze and heat of the packed pub as she concentrated on not spilling anything. I knew what Hamish was up to. Arriving back alongside us, she bent over to proudly place the glasses on the table, and I saw right down her top before she straightened up, still carefully clutching her bank card. With a sudden pang of guilt for letting her get a round in, I remembered when I’d been like her, trying to keep up with my bosses and feel equal when I wasn’t. One particular consultant liked to dispatch juniors to the bar to get him cigars, with instructions to put it on his tab. The barman would stonily point out there was no tab and the hapless junior would just pay rather than face the embarrassment of asking the consultant for £7. A cunning ruse. The old bastard knew perfectly well what he was doing. I didn’t want to be like him.

  I reached into my wallet under the table, then bent down as if I was picking something up from the floor and handed Michelle a £20 note. ‘This just fell out of your pocket.’

  She frowned in confusion, then brightened. ‘Oooh! I love it when that happens! You find one you’d forgotten about! Thanks, Nathan! Woohoo!’ She gazed at me for slightly too long with open adoration and gratitude, her reactions delayed by the effects of the alcohol in her system.

  I half smiled. She was sweet. She reminded me a little of Serena twenty-five years ago. Twenty-five years… and what had I achieved in that time, really? Two wives, three kids and a career about to end in disgrace. I thought of Julia looking at me with barely concealed disgust. How did she manage to make me feel so hollowed out by her disappointment? I picked up my drink and knocked it back in one.

  ‘Wehay!’ Michelle laughed, raising her glass and knocking hers back too.

  Tan looked down at the table, briefly. ‘Are you operating tomorrow, Nate?’

  It was a reminder to go easy, but the genuine answer was, I had no idea.

  I threw my hands up. ‘Who knows, Tanny banany!’ Was it because I’d not eaten – possibly – or because I found myself suddenly unable to cope and wanted to blank it all out – probably – but either way, that was the tipping point of the evening: that was the drink I finally felt spreading through my veins, loosening my anxiety, melting the tightness in my muscles and soul. I recognised Recklessness as he pulled up a chair at the table and sat down alongside me with a cheeky wink – and I knew how this was going to end.

  I turned to Michelle and gave her the benefit of my full smile. She stared at me, Hamish smirked, Tan looked away and I could have stopped myself then and there… but I didn’t, and that’s always been my fucking problem.

  In the back of the taxi I watched the road flashing past, the music from the tacky city centre club still ringing in my ears. Michelle had thought it hilarious that a ‘90’s clubs classics’ night had made me come so alive on the dancefloor, teasing me as I waved my arms in the air to ‘Insomnia’.

  ‘I saw Faithless do this live; they played at my then-girlfriend’s student’s union! They were amazing!’ I’d shouted to her, only for her to gesture that she couldn’t hear me, before leaning in closer. I said it again, right next to her ear, hands on her waist as she wobbled into me as someone dancing bumped into her. I smelt her perfume and the slippery heat of her body as the beat surrounded us. I was twenty again. Everything ahead of me! She lifted her mouth up to mine and I kissed her, just for a moment, before I came to my senses and realised we were in public. We needed to go somewhere more private.

  I glanced back down at her, her head resting drunkenly on my shoulder. The taxi went over a speed bump and jogged her awake. She twisted her head up to look at me and our lips met again. She was warm; she wanted me. She wasn’t complicated. Why did everything have to be so complicated? I kissed her back a little harder, put my hand on her thigh and in the dark, to the right of her, I caught the gleam in Hamish’s eye as he smiled at me over the top of her head.

  The house smelt of air freshener and dust burning off the radiators as Hamish put on the heating to take the edge off the almost-empty rooms. Michelle was drunkenly kissing me in the sparse sitting room, fumbling with my belt, unable to undo it. I pulled her upstairs and she trailed after me, holding my hand, giggling.

  We found a bedroom. There was a bare bed in it. Just a mattress on a base. In seconds she was on her back – virtually passed out – but telling me she wanted me to fuck her hard, like she’d heard it in a film. I did as I was told because I was suddenly angry enough, but I couldn’t get there. I stopped and reached into my back pocket – pulling my knife out, opening the blade in the dark, ready to nick it against my bare leg, only having had too much to drink, my hands were clumsy and it fell – towards Michelle’s inner thigh. I gasped in horror – it could have punctured right through the skin into her adductor brevis – but thank God, it landed flat on her leg, the blade merely grazing the skin. There was the tiniest bit of blood – it was the sensation of cold metal that she hazily registered, lifting her head briefly before slumping back down and sighing, putting her arms above her head, her heavy breasts lifting. I shoved the knife away hurriedly. I’d got away with it – I’d got away with something – and then I thought of Julia, holding her in my arms, her beautiful face right next to mine. I returned to Michelle, only seeing Julia lose herself to me. I could hear Michelle gasping; I groaned and let my head hang briefly, before pulling out and turning to see Hamish stood in the corner of the room in the dark. Yanking my trousers up, I ignored him and went off to search for a bathroom.

  Blinking under bright strip lighting, I cleaned myself up, washed my hands, put my dry mouth under the tap, then glanced in the cheap cabinet mirror over the sink. In seven hours I had to be up, ready to operate on Stefanie, unless they suspended me first. Julia – how could you do this to me? I turned the light off, desolate, and went to find Hamish and Michelle. She was still out of it on the bed while Hamish was on the phone ordering a couple of taxis. I didn’t want to look at her.

  ‘Take her back for me,’ I pleaded, suddenly exhausted and placing a hand on his arm. ‘I’m not feeling so good.’

  ‘Sure thing,’ he said easily, not remotely bothered. ‘Sorry, yes.’ He spoke into the phone. ‘I’m still here. It’s going to—’ He gave an unfamiliar address.

  ‘You know where she lives?’ I frowned.

  He nodded, and I decided I didn’t want to go there. In every sense.

  As my taxi pulled away, I watched him help Michelle into the back of their silver Ford, the small anonymous terrace house already locked up and in darkness.

  Back at home, I drank a pint of water and showered before finally climbing in next to Storm, who stirred in her sleep, but didn’t wake up. I thought briefly about Michelle, Serena and even Stefanie as I turned on my side, trying to push them from my mind… shags of Christmas past and present, but what future now? I turned on my back again as Storm reached a hand out and placed it on my chest, trying to hold on to me even when unconscious. My stomach was churning though and I pushed her off. I should get up and puke, except… couldn’t be arsed… I was going to feel like shit tomorrow. Not that it was a big day or anything. And Stefanie… if she didn’t get her op… I yawned, my eyes closing heavily. She’d be furious. Fucking Furious. Double F, too big really. Just Furious… like Julia. Everything came back to Julia
.

  Broken-hearted and confused, I was grateful to finally pass out.

  Twenty-Eight

  Julia

  I crept into the office early, hoping to find it empty, but unexpectedly, Michelle was there. She looked terrible – eyes puffy and make-up smudged beneath them. It was evidentially the hangover from hell. She opened her mouth to say something when I greeted her but covered it just as quickly with her hand. Her skin washed out, and she dashed from the room.

  ‘Why don’t you just go home?’ I suggested, when she returned to her desk and sat down delicately. ‘You obviously had quite the evening? Don’t worry – we’ve all been there!’

  She looked at me stricken and, to my surprise, her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I grabbed a box of tissues.

  ‘She’s fine. Stop looking for drama and detail where there is none.’ I turned to see Hamish had thumped his bag down on the table and was glaring at us. He pointed a podgy finger at me. ‘What have you made her say to you? I know your game, and you can pack it in. She’s a secretary!’

  ‘What?’ I exclaimed. ‘I haven’t done anything!’

  ‘You just can’t help yourself, can you? This is a place of work, may I remind you? In fact, you know what, Julia? We’ve got one day left in this office together before the Christmas break. I have nothing to say to you and would prefer that you don’t attempt to engage me in any interaction, but please be warned that I will not tolerate you either attempting to manipulate or intimidate other staff members.’ He nodded at Michelle. ‘You clearly need to be reminded that we don’t allow bullies here.’ He was actually shaking with quiet anger. It was extraordinary.