I am with you always.
But she didn’t deserve Him. She didn’t deserve His grace. She didn’t deserve His forgiveness.
She closed her eyes against the tears and breathed deeply. It hadn’t been an audible voice. It had been within her heart. Dunking herself under the water, she let the water roll over her face and hair.
I will never leave you, nor forsake you.
The words pierced her like a knife. She came up for air and lifted her chin to the heavens. “But I am so wretched. I’ve failed You. I couldn’t help my parents. I failed Hezekiah.”
No answer came. But as her mind recalled Psalm 23—the very words she’d spoken over Hezekiah’s grave—her tears lessened.
Olivia went under the water again and scrubbed at her face and hair. This was not what she had wanted. Not ever. No matter that she had made a hasty marriage, she would never have wished for Hezekiah to be … gone. And for her to be alone. But here she was.
A widow.
Sucking in a few more deep breaths, she tried to calm her heart and mind. The Lord was with her. Yes, she’d made mistakes and had an attitude that needed adjusting. But she was forgiven. She knew that deep down.
If she could just forgive herself.
Stepping out of the creek, Olivia sat on the bank in her underclothes. It had felt good to cry, but it also exhausted her. Weariness filled her limbs. Grief overflowed her heart.
Why had God taken her parents? Olivia had prayed so hard … had begged God to spare them. If they hadn’t died, she wouldn’t have made the decision to marry Hezekiah. If she hadn’t married him, he wouldn’t have gone off trying to hunt something for them to eat. He’d still be alive.
Shaking her head, she tried to dispel the condemning thoughts. She couldn’t do anything to change the circumstances. The guilt would remain, but she needed to think about her survival and what she would do next.
The only logical step was to head to San Francisco, sell everything, and beg her brother for a job. Her dreams of being happily married and raising a family in a quiet little town—with a church and a school at the center—were gone. She was twenty years old and a widow. A very poor one at that.
Wrapping herself in her dressing gown, she looked down at her left hand. Because he couldn’t get her a ring, Hezekiah had shaped a piece of wire to fit around her finger. It had pinched at first, but she’d gotten used to it as it molded to her finger, and she at least appreciated his effort. But it was all for naught. Tugging at the metal, she pulled it off her hand. She didn’t have much to show for her hasty marriage to Hezekiah Brighton, and she didn’t deserve to wear his ring no matter what it was made of.
She grabbed Buttercup’s reins and headed back to the wagon—the emptiness of her stomach a harsh reminder that she had no food or money.
A soft nicker greeted her as she made it back to her campsite. Their other horse—Julius—had returned and was eating the tall grass by the rear wagon wheel.
“You came back!” Olivia raced over to the horse and patted his neck.
At least she would be able to hitch the horses up in the morning to pull the wagon, and the horses had food and water.
She even found a couple of hard biscuits that she’d forgotten about. If she was careful, that could get her through tomorrow. She could drink plenty of water to keep her stomach feeling full, and she could pray that she would make it to the town to find her brother.
Life wasn’t at all as she’d hoped, but tomorrow was a new day. She would just have to take it one step at a time and pray for God to show her what to do and where to go.
Buttercup and Julius plodded along ever so slowly as if the past days’ circumstances were thick mud around their hooves, weighing them down. Olivia couldn’t blame them. Hezekiah had driven them hard for weeks. They’d started off with a prance in their step this morning, but the hours and hilly terrain had worn them down. The wagon was heavy—Olivia knew that—and she didn’t have the heart to urge them on any faster. She was tired. They were tired. And the closer she came to San Francisco, the more she worried about what she would say to Daniel. It’d been a long time since they’d seen each other.
Sweet memories of her childhood competed with the doubt in her mind. Daniel had always been her protector, her loving big brother. Until he left home, they’d spent hours together every day. And even though time and distance had kept them apart for years, his love and care for his family had always been apparent in his numerous letters. Shouldn’t she rest in that?
Thoughts and memories of Daniel brought Mama’s face to mind. Daddy had always said that Olivia looked just like her. But Olivia didn’t have the wisdom and courage her mother had. Oh, how she wished Mama were here to talk to right now. Then she’d know what to do and what to say.
Blowing out her breath, she resolved to keep her emotions in check. It wasn’t helpful for her to continue to dwell on things that were out of her control. She’d just have to tell Daniel the truth.
The afternoon was getting on, and a new worry settled in that she wouldn’t make it to San Francisco before dark. The dirt road had wound through some pretty terrain, and she’d even seen the ocean once or twice. All she knew was that the town was at the end of the peninsula—but how far would that be?
A cloud of dust appeared on the road ahead of her. Before long, she realized it was a wagon. Not having seen another soul in some time, Olivia’s heart sped up. She pulled her team to a stop and hoped the others would do the same.
The wagon grew larger as it neared her, and Olivia stood and stretched for a moment. Taking the reins back in hand, she sat down and breathed deep.
“Hello there,” an older man in a suit with a proper lady beside him hailed as he brought his wagon to a stop.
These people looked like fine folk. “Good afternoon.” Olivia smiled. “I was wondering if you could tell me about how far San Francisco is from here?”
The woman pursed her lips.
The man cleared his throat and frowned. “I hope you aren’t headed there alone, miss. It’s a wicked town.” The couple both looked down their noses at her.
The words weren’t encouraging, but what else was she to do? “My brother is there, and he is a fine, upstanding man. Do you know how far it is on this road?”
“Three hours at least.” The man shook his head, all friendliness from his initial greeting gone.
The woman tsked at her. She lifted her shoulders and eyebrows, making her look quite severe. “I would suggest you find your brother and head out of that nasty town as fast as you can. No God-fearing folk would stay in such a den of iniquity.” She patted the man’s arm and turned her gaze straight ahead. Conversation over.
“Good day.” The man’s words were clipped as he flicked the reins and set his horses back into motion.
“Thank you.” Olivia’s soft words were lost in the rumble of their wagon.
Not entirely sure what to make of the conversation, Olivia prodded Buttercup and Julius back into motion. One thing was certain: those people didn’t think much of San Francisco or of people who chose to live there.
Well, she didn’t have any other choice. Daniel was the only person she had to turn to, and he was in San Francisco. At least it was only a few more hours. Prayerfully she’d make it there before dark.
The horses moved a little faster, almost as if they could feel her anticipation. After a little time had passed, Olivia saw another cloud of dust on the horizon. Not wishing to stop for another unpleasant conversation about how she shouldn’t be headed to San Francisco, she decided to keep moving.
When the oncoming wagon reached her, she was glad she hadn’t stopped. The disorderly behavior of the drunk men it held was not encouraging. The one driving belted out some horrid song about how he would soon be rich, while the other man tried to get her attention and made lewd comments about how she should join them.
Olivia’s face filled with heat as she flicked the reins a bit harder than she intended, but she felt a sense of relief as her horses
picked up their pace and took her farther away from the filthy men and their lecherous words.
Was this what she was headed into? Maybe the stern words of the couple were true after all. But what would Daniel be doing in such a place? And his letters made it sound as if his restaurant was upstanding and classy.
Another cloud appeared on the road. With another one after it.
Olivia braced herself and urged her team on faster.
Wagon after wagon passed her. All were filled with men, none of whom seemed to be of high moral character. Or any moral character. In all her years, she’d never heard such language or foul songs. San Francisco must be a very wicked place indeed.
Every muscle in her tensed as she reached the outskirts of the town. Men were everywhere. And the severe woman from the first wagon was right—none of them looked God-fearing. Tents filled the street as far as her eye could see, with a dilapidated shack here and there thrown in. Garbage blew around in the wind and filled the space between the tents. And the smell! Was this actually San Francisco?
Men who noticed her began to shout comments as she passed. Lifting her shoulders, she urged the horses on and kept her gaze straight ahead. Certainly this wasn’t truly the town. Her brother wouldn’t be in such a place, would he? Making her way down the street, Olivia was overwhelmed as the number of men and tents grew. Pretty soon she could hear the tinny sounds of pianos being played in fast tempos with shouts and cheers coming from the saloons.
The tents had given way to larger shacks and ramshackle buildings that burst at the seams with activity and sounds. She looked to the side for a moment and counted eight saloons before she looked the other way and saw men in a drunken brawl in front of her. One extremely large man picked up another and threw him to the ground. A whiskey barrel broke his fall and smashed to pieces beneath the smaller man. The unmistakable smell of alcohol filled the air, and Olivia tried not to breathe it in.
Booming voices and saloon music competed for everyone’s ears. Filth and unwashed bodies filled the walkways and sides of the streets. If she had had anywhere else to go, she would have turned the wagon around right then and there. But she had no one else. No other choice.
Tears burned at the edges of her eyes, but she clamped her jaw tightly and sat straighter on the wagon bench. More lewd comments were thrown at her from the streets, but she refused to acknowledge them. On and on she drove, praying for help to find Daniel. The mass of people—almost entirely men—surprised her. Daniel had told them in a letter that there were only a few hundred people in the town of San Francisco, but there were thousands of people here. What had brought them all? The thought of gold?
Some larger buildings appeared ahead, and they didn’t seem nearly as rickety. As she approached that section of town, the noise died down a little as well. A large mercantile sat on the left side of the street ahead. Then she spotted it. Livingston’s Restaurant.
She wanted to shout with relief that she’d finally made it, but she held herself in check. As she pulled her wagon up as close as she could get to the nice wood building, which looked like a mansion compared to all the shacks she’d seen in the rest of town, several men approached. The hitching posts were filled with horses. Apparently, a lot of people were here. Her heart beat faster, and she prayed for safety. Peering into the windows of the restaurant, she could see it was indeed quite full and busy. Dozens of tables filled the space. The place was massive. How would she get Daniel’s attention? What if he wasn’t there? And would her wagon be safe out here? Would she be safe venturing in alone?
A spindly kid wiggled his way to the front of the crowd that had gathered around her wagon. All men. All grinning at her.
“Hey, miss?” the kid’s voice squeaked. “Whatcha doin’ here?”
She raised her eyebrows and looked at him. “I’m looking for Mr. Daniel Livingston. Do you know him?”
“ ‘Course I do. Everyone knows him.” The kid moved a step closer. “Do you need me to fetch him? I can do that right now.”
“Yes, please.”
As the boy pushed his way back through the men, they in turn pushed closer to her.
“What’s a pretty lady like you doing here in a place like this?”
“What’s yer name?”
“I been lookin’ for a pretty girl to be my wife.”
“I’ve got gold. Dontcha want a man that can provide for ya?”
The men got braver and came closer, throwing out more and more statements and questions until they all mixed into a blur of sound. Voices rose and fell all around her as bodies pressed up against the wagon.
“That’s quite enough, gentlemen!” A voice she recognized hushed the crowd. Before she knew it, Daniel climbed up onto the wagon seat next to her and took the reins.
Groans, curses, and murmurs rose from the men.
“Daniel!” She threw her arms around her brother and could contain the tears no longer.
“Move on,” he said to the crowd, which was clearly unhappy that he was taking the reins. He smiled down at her. “It’s good to see you, Sis.” He shook his head as if in disbelief. “You’re all grown up. And you look just like Mama.” The emotion in his eyes about did her in.
All the stress and grief and fear she’d carried came to the surface. She grabbed a hankie just as the waterworks began. Daniel didn’t say a word. He simply drove the wagon down the street, around the corner, and behind another large building. He hopped down and opened the doors to a large barn and then led the horses in. He helped her down as the tears continued to stream down her face, and went to close and bar the doors behind them.
He came back and put his hands on her elbows. “You look done in, Olivia.”
She managed a nod.
“I am so sorry that you had to face the loss of our parents alone.” He put an arm around her shoulders. “I’ve been worried sick ever since I got your letter.”
“I’m all right. I’m just glad that I made it here.” Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she looked around the barn as relief took up residence. At least she didn’t have to share the news of their parents’ passing. “This town isn’t anything like what I imagined.”
“It’s not how it used to be. It has only become this way in the past few months.”
“Why are you still here?”
Daniel walked over to a bale of hay and sat down. “Because God has me here for now. Someone has to shine a light to these people and stand up for what’s right. And I don’t have a wife or a family to worry about. A lot of the other men that had families left when things got out of hand.”
“Does that mean I shouldn’t stay? Is it safe for me to be here?” She had to admit that the way the men looked at her and spoke to her had made her nervous. Never in her life had she been around so many men at once—especially ones that didn’t seem to own an ounce of decorum.
Her brother rubbed his face. “As long as you are always with me, I think you’ll be fine. But I don’t want you going anywhere without me or someone we trust. And some parts of town you need to stay away from at all times.”
“I don’t want to be a bother, Daniel …” What could she say? “I just don’t have anywhere else to go.”
He grabbed her hands. “You are not a bother at all, Olivia. You’re not. So get that out of your head right now. You are my sister. My family. I’ve missed you so much, and I love you.” Squeezing her hands, he winked at her. “Tell me, do you still use sarcasm to cover up your fear?”
The question made her laugh. “Dad must have written you about that.”
He laughed along with her. “I remember your quick wit as a child, but yes, Dad wrote often of your banter. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot, but I want you to feel comfortable being yourself with me. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m here for you. No matter what.”
“Thank you, Daniel.”
“If you are still willing to work at the restaurant, I could use the help, and I also think it would be safer than to leave you alone during the
day. I’ve got strict rules in place about no brawls or fights of any kind. The customers know if they break the rules, I don’t let them back in. We’ll just establish additional rules about how they need to treat a lady. I’ve got the best food in the city and the best prices. No one wants to lose that.” He stood up. “You look like you’re about to wilt, so let’s get you settled upstairs. I built my own living quarters above the restaurant, and there’s plenty of room.”
Too weary to argue, Olivia grabbed a few personal items from the wagon and followed her brother. “I’ve got to figure out what to do with all our things.”
“Let’s not worry about it tonight. You need a decent night’s sleep first. We’ll get up early in the morning, you can fill me in on your life, and we’ll decide what to do.”
Olivia nodded. Everything would be all right. She had her brother now.
The next morning, Olivia paced the length of the parlor while she told Daniel most of what had happened. While he was shocked to hear of her hurried marriage, he hadn’t scolded her. And he seemed even more sympathetic to learn that she’d lost her husband as well. It made her heart ache to think of him not seeing their parents for so long—not being able to say goodbye. His grief was still fresh—she could see it in his eyes.
Reconnecting after all these years was wonderful, but she couldn’t stand the thought of him hurting and grieving not only for himself but for her as well.
Daniel was still her brother and protector. Almost as if he’d never stepped out of that role even though the miles had separated them for a decade. But it seemed he took on a heavier weight now because their parents were gone.
It was understandable, and she wished she wasn’t such a burden. She needed a place to live, and he’d offered her a job. Maybe as time went on, she could show him how valuable it was to have her around. They needed to get to know each other as brother and sister again.
As he left to go down to the restaurant, he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “I’m so glad you’re here, Livvy. It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”
The Golden Bride Page 3
