Wanting to Love You (Houston's Finest Book 3)

by Erin Rylie

  If he had stuck around, she wouldn’t have run away, they would’ve had a stable home to bring Ryker home to, and CPS wouldn’t have had a case against them.

  “I didn’t ask you to meet me so that we could talk about this though. Before you meet Ryker, there is something you should know about him. He’s on the Autism spectrum. He has Asperger’s.”

  Abruptly, Reese’s hands stopped their motion. His eyes widened and his mouth opened, but no words escaped. He closed his mouth and opened it again before snapping it shut.

  “Like Jesse?”

  Becky smiled, her memories of Reese’s brother, Jesse, nothing but positive. “Yeah, like Jesse. He reminds me of his uncle constantly. He likes to stack coins just like Jesse does, and he’s so damn smart.”

  A smile broke out over Reese’s face, and she imagined it wasn’t a reaction most parents had when delivered this news. Reese had a special relationship with his brother though, and she knew how incredible Jesse was. If their son was anything like his uncle, they were lucky parents.

  Jesse had left for college before Becky and Reese had ever met. He hadn’t gone far, attending school at the University of Texas in Austin, so he came back home often. She’d gotten to spend a few weekends with Jesse and all of the major holidays in the year she and Reese had dated. For her, Jesse had been like an older brother, someone she looked up to.

  She had tried calling him once or twice after Reese left, but once she’d spoken to Beth and had been told to move on, she’d deleted his number. She had looked him up on Facebook a few times and had been happy to see that he was living in Chicago now with a wife and kids.

  Before Reese had come back into Becky’s life, she had considered reaching out to Jesse to tell him about Ryker and ask his advice, but she had been trying to decide how to tell Reese first. Keeping things from Reese was a tough choice to make, but telling Jesse before telling Reese had seemed like a step too far.

  “I can’t wait to officially meet him.”

  “Well, that’s the other thing that we need to discuss. We need to talk about your role in his life.”

  The smile dropped from Reese’s expression, his eyebrows lowering and his gaze narrowing in confusion. “I don’t understand. I’m his father.”

  Becky took a deep breath. She knew that Reese wouldn’t like what she said next, but she was just doing what was best for Ryker. Hopefully he would see that.

  Chapter Six

  I don’t think I’m going to like the direction this conversation is heading.

  Becky drew in a deep breath, looking as though she were steeling herself for war. If he were completely honest, he would admit that he hadn’t thought past meeting Ryker. His thoughts over the last few days had been so focused on meeting his son that he hadn’t given much thought to the how of that introduction. Would he be able to be introduced as Ryker’s father? Was that too much for a nine-year-old to handle?

  Fuck, why didn’t I research this?

  “Being in Ryker’s life can’t just be some passing fancy for you, some new project you want to take on like you took me on in high school. He is a child, Reese. A child with Asperger’s. A child who has been through foster care and an entire upheaval of the life he’s known. I can’t deny you the chance to get to know your son, but I’ll be damned if I let you stroll into his life just to leave in a few months like you left me. So you need to think long and hard about what you want out of this relationship. Do you want to be his father? Because right now, based on our history, I’m more inclined to introduce you to Ryker as a family friend. I don’t want him to be abandoned by another person, particularly not a father. Friends come and go, but a father is forever. He is my entire world, and I will not let you shatter my world a second time.”

  Reese felt the familiar frustration bubbling up. He’d never been great at articulating his thoughts. Sure, he was good for a well-placed jab, but he wasn’t exactly one for words. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth, and focused on what he needed to get out.

  “No, this isn’t how this is going to go down, Becky. You don’t get to make me feel bad for something I never fucking did. I didn’t leave you, your family left me no choice. They offered me money, they threatened my future, told me that they could ensure I never made it onto a police force. I told them to shove their money up their asses and that I could find another job, but not another you. But then they threatened you. They told me they’d take everything away from you, all of their financial support, all of your college prospects, your future. They stole something from us, but I never left you.”

  He took a deep breath and plowed on, ignoring the look of shock on Becky’s face. If he stopped now, he wouldn’t get through the second half of his impromptu speech.

  “As far as Ryker goes? You’ve known about him from day one; you’re the one who took him from me. You didn’t give me a choice in the matter. Did it ever occur to you that I would’ve wanted to fight with you for him? The way I see it, your family stole you from me, and you took my son away from me. That ends today. He is my child, Becky. I will be in his life, even if I have to fight you for joint custody. I’m fucking done having decisions made for me by you and your family. It ends now.”

  Reese watched a flurry of emotions cross Becky’s face. Over the course of the next few minutes, he did his best to calm himself down while she grappled with the information he’d laid out. Her mouth opened and closed more than once as though she had something to say but just wasn’t sure if she should let it out.

  Finally, she took a deep breath, something the both of them seemed to be doing constantly during this conversation, and spoke. “That is a lot of information that we don’t have time to unpack over lunch. First of all, I tried to call you when you walked out of my life. Repeatedly. So if you’d answered a single one of those calls, you would’ve known about Ryker. I’m not trying to take him away from you, I’m trying to make sure that your intentions here are pure. This is a lifelong commitment—one that you need to take seriously. I talked to Ryker’s therapist and she doesn’t think that we should introduce you as his father right away. It’s just too much for him to process right now. I know it isn’t what you want, but it’s what’s best for Ryker. That needs to be your thought process now. You need to put Ryker’s needs before your own.”

  Were they not even going to discuss everything he’d just told her? He knew that she had felt wronged for all of these years, but so had he. He’d been robbed of an entire relationship with Becky—possibly an entire lifetime. It had impacted every single relationship he’d had since. He pushed his thoughts and frustrations away, trying to do what she was asking of him. Becky was right, his number-one priority needed to always be Ryker. It was hard to rewire his brain, though, to process all of this.

  “Okay. All right. I do want what’s best for Ryker, of course I do. I just need to know that you’re going to give me a chance to be his father.”

  “Let’s get the two of you together, have you spend some time together, and then you and I can go talk to Dr. Cumberland together. She’s going to help us figure out the best way to approach this with Ryker.”

  The rest of their lunch together was uneventful—filled mostly with long silences as they ate and thought about the new information they’d thrown at one another. It had always been like this with them; Becky and Reese were polar opposites. They’d been raised differently, they handled their emotions differently, and they were just different people. Their relationship had started sweet, a slow burn that built into a fire that consumed him.

  Being around her again brought back all of those emotions. He was mad at her, turned on by her, amazed by her resilience, and still in love with her?

  No. Neither of us can handle going down that path again. Look at us both now—ten years apart and we are still broken up over a one-year relationship when we were teenagers.

  When they got up to leave, he went in for a hug, realizing belatedly that he should’ve just shaken her hand or given her a side hug.
The moment she was in his arms, his mind flooded with memories. When they were younger, he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her. Now that her mother wasn’t weighing her every week, her curves were absolutely killer. His hands slipped down to her waist, and he almost groaned at the feel of her. He needed to pull away before she became aware of his cock just begging for her attention.

  Instead of letting her go, one of his hands crept up her back, tangling in her hair and twining the long strands in his fingers. He’d always loved her hair like this—wild and untamed.

  Fuck, am I so hard up that I’m turning hugs erotic now?

  Before he could get any more handsy, Becky extricated herself from his arms, her cheeks flushed and her eyes wide. He was relieved to see that he wasn’t the only one affected by their seemingly innocent hug. He needed to keep his hands off her though. They were in each other’s lives for Ryker, not for anything else.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at dinner, okay?”

  He nodded, not trusting himself to keep his response PG. Reese tried to keep his thoughts out of the gutter as she walked away, tried to focus on everything they’d talked about and all of the reasons it would be a terrible idea for them to sleep together. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her ass as she walked away though. After all, he was a guy, and she had a damn fine ass.

  Reese was sitting at his kitchen later that night, staring at his now empty plate while his mind ran circles around the information he’d gotten today. He couldn’t help but wonder what his life would’ve been like if Becky’s parents hadn’t chased him off.

  They threatened me like that knowing that Becky was pregnant. They fucking knew.

  He still hadn’t decided if he wanted to share that bit of knowledge with Becky. What was the point of adding to the hurt she was already feeling? Sitting around thinking about it wasn’t doing anyone any good, so he got up to put his plate in the dishwasher and change into his gym clothes. He knew that sleep was far off, but maybe if he wore himself out at the gym he’d be able to get some rest tonight.

  As he was pulling on his running shorts, he heard his phone ringing on the dining room table. Grabbing a shirt to throw on as he walked, he hurried to grab his phone. It could be his mom calling him, and he made a point to never miss one of her calls. Even though she was in remission, he worried about her. Remission didn’t mean shit. The cancer could always come back.

  He picked up the phone and just stared at it blankly when he saw the name flashing across the screen. Becky was actually calling him—again. Was Ryker okay? Had she changed her mind about dinner tomorrow night?

  His heart in his throat, he answered the phone.

  “Becky? Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine. I just—”

  There was a long pause and he pulled the phone away from his ear to make sure she was still on the line.

  “I just need to know if it’s true.”

  Reese ran a hand through his beard and up his face. Fuck, I shouldn’t have told her like that.

  “Yeah, it’s all the truth.”

  He heard her draw in a shaky breath and let out a small sniffle. He’d heard her cry enough times when they were younger over fucked-up shit her parents had done or said to know that she was crying now.

  “I don’t understand. I know that they’re awful, selfish people, but why would they do that to us? Why did you let them?”

  He swallowed his frustration, but knew that if he kept tamping down his thoughts around her he would explode sooner or later. Now wasn’t the time to go off on Becky though. She was hurting, and some part of him still couldn’t stand the thought of anyone hurting Becky. She’d always put up a tough front, but she was one of the most sensitive people he knew. It was one of the things that he’d admired about her. So many people in her position, with the family she had, would’ve become desensitized, more hardened. Becky still felt everything acutely, and he’d loved her for that.

  “They threatened you. I was just a scared teenager, and they were threatening the person I loved most in the world. I didn’t know what else to do, Becky.”

  He could hear her choked sobs now, and his heart hurt imagining her sitting at home alone thinking about all of the terrible shit they’d been through.

  “I needed you, Reese. I fucking needed you and you weren’t there. It was the scariest time of my life and you were just gone.”

  He felt moisture gathering in his own eyes. Why had the universe dealt them such a shit hand? “I know. I know you did. It wasn’t easy for me either. Leaving you like that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I thought I was doing what was best for you.”

  “That’s the problem. You tried to do what was best for me without even consulting me. We could’ve figured it out. I never needed my parent’s money. I needed you.”

  He tried to gather his thoughts, to respond with something that would fix all of these old hurts, and came up blank. Before he could utter another word, Becky disconnected the call. Reese placed the phone back on the table and put both of his hands behind his head. He ripped the hair tie out and threw it across the room, tugging at his too-long strands of hair.

  “FUCK!” he screamed, finally letting go of his control—letting loose all of the emotions that had been building in him over the last few days. He swept his hand across the table, knocking his phone to the floor before gripping the edge of the table and flipping it.

  His breaths were coming hard and fast now, each one an effort. For years he had been tortured by the choice he’d made. He’d lain in bed agonizing over it night after night. Every relationship he’d tried to maintain had been destroyed because his heart wasn’t in it. His heart had only ever beaten for one woman, and he’d let her fucked-up family dictate their entire future.

  So many years lost. Years with Ryker and Becky that he could never get back. Time that had been stolen from him. He felt like his rage would never leave him. He was mad at Becky for keeping this secret, mad at her parents for putting an impossible decision in the hands of an eighteen-year-old boy. Most of all he was pissed at himself for making the wrong choice.

  All the time he’d spent trying to get over Becky, to move past their year together, had been a waste. He was right back where he’d been ten years ago, but the hurt felt compounded somehow, larger. It felt like his heart was ripping its way through his chest.

  He paced his apartment, trying to regain his composure, but there was no point—it was gone. He searched the floor for his phone and swiped to unlock it. He only hesitated a second before finding the contact he knew he needed and dialing.

  “Get your lazy ass out of bed, we’re going to the gym.”

  Carlos let out a long whistle. “Damn, man. I didn’t know your shit was that fucked up. I don’t even know what to do with this information.”

  Reese laughed. “Yeah, let that shit marinate for about ten years and you might be where I am. I’m beyond lost, and confused, and hurt. It’s a mess.”

  Carlos walked slowly on the treadmill next to Reese, building himself up to an easy jog. His partner had been in an accident with a drunk driver last year and was constantly careful with his body. He’d been out of physical therapy for a while, but things had gotten pretty rough there toward the end.

  “I know I’m the go-to guy for advice…” Reese rolled his eyes at this, something he seemed to do more and more frequently around Carlos. “But even I don’t know what you should do.”

  Reese grunted, increasing the pace on his treadmill. The best way to get all of his frustration and anger out was to take his emotions out on his body. It was what he’d always done. Pushing himself physically let him forget the emotions he was dealing with, even if only temporarily.

  “I only called you because Rafe has a baby.”

  “Hey! I have a kid too!”

  “We both know that James is spending the week with his dad.”

  Carlos grumbled under his breath and flipped Reese off. They ran for a few minut
es in silence before Reese slowed his treadmill to a walk before getting off. He wiped down the machine, because people who left their sweat on public gym machines were fucking douchebags, and grabbed his water bottle.

  “Come on, slow poke. I need you to spot me.”

  Carlos grumbled some more, slowed and turned off his own machine, and flipped Reese off again before walking in the direction of the weights. After he secured his weights and laid down on the bench, Reese began lifting, talking in between sets. The familiar burn in his muscles felt good, but not quite good enough to wipe the night’s events from his memory completely.

  “I just don’t know how to talk to Becky about this. She’s mad, I’m mad. We’re pissed at each other, at her parents, pretty much at the whole fucking world. I feel like my feelings aren’t valid because she was the one who got left in the dust. Leaving wasn’t any easier for me than being left was for her though. That shit fucked me up for years. Plus, she never told me I was a father. Who the hell does that? I feel like I’m on the Maury show here.”

  Carlos nodded. “I get that. Maybe you two just need to have it out, get everything off of your chests. It can’t be healthy for Ryker to be around so much tension.”

  Reese huffed in response, pushing himself to finish one more set before he moved to squats. “No, it isn’t healthy. But every time I talk to her about how I feel she shuts me down. It’s like my hurt isn’t valid in the face of her own. When we were younger we were so passionate and full of fire, but that always led to sex. We would take out all of our frustration in bed and then talk things out calmly.”

  Carlos laughed. “That sounds like your solution. Sex solves everything.”

  “Slow down there, manwhore. I’m not putting myself through that again. The universe has clearly spoken—Becky and I should be friends and co-parents. Nothing more.”

  “Whatever you say, dude.”

  “This is why I wanted to call Rafe. Your advice literally always includes sex.”