Unending Love: Alex & Katlin: Second Chance Military Romance (Black Swan Book 7)

by KaLyn Cooper

  21

  Katlin felt a little queasy as Alex drove her to Walter Reed Hospital. Her usual toast and fruit washed down with two cups of coffee sloshed around in her stomach. It was nerves. Had to be. She hadn’t made the progress in the past two weeks she should have. She was failing everyone. Alex. Top Cooper. Dr. Tobias. And herself. But all she wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep.

  Maybe she’d done too much. Maybe she hadn’t pushed herself enough. Either way, she’d failed.

  The nightmares wore her out. Thankfully, Alex was there by her side each and every night. It didn’t matter whether she had one horrible dream or three. He’d move in close, perfectly aligning his body with hers as he gently woke her. All too often, she was soaked in sweat so they would take a hot shower together before returning to their bed where he changed the damp sheets.

  He wasn’t bothered by her nightmares, but she was becoming afraid to fall asleep. The more she fought sleep, the more tired she became. Sometimes she was so exhausted that she’d fall into a deep sleep during an afternoon nap and wake up screaming, her heart beating so fast it made her head hurt. The worst part of those nightmares—or were they really “day” mares?—was that Alex wasn’t around. She had to handle them by herself. She never told Alex about them.

  She wouldn’t allow herself to take up any more of his time nursing her back to health. She could take care of herself. She knew when she’d had enough and politely excused herself for a nap or bedtime. He had ten security centers to run, hundreds of employees, and thousands of clients. He’d already dedicated far too much time to her.

  Her lack of sleep left her without enough energy to complete her morning workouts. She could see the worry in Alex’s eyes that she was backsliding.

  “I’ll drop you off here and you can check in while I find a parking space.” Alex pulled up to the physician offices wing.

  “I hate to make you wait around while I see the doctor,” Katlin said as she got out of the Guardian SUV. “You know this sometimes takes hours. I can call Guardian’s operations center and have them send over a car when I’m done. That way you can go back to work.”

  He gave her that killer smile that said she was the most important thing in the world to him. “You trying to get rid of me? Not happening, babe. I’ll be there in just a few minutes, probably before you’re finished with the paperwork.”

  She wouldn’t mind having him next to her when she received the bad news she was sure to get. Forcing a smile, she stepped back. “I’ll see you inside.”

  Sure enough, it took more than thirty minutes before she was moved from the waiting area into an examination room.

  “So, how were your travels?” Dr. Tobias began his examination as soon as he stepped into the room.

  “Traveling was fine, but I seem to be tired all the time.” She glanced at Alex then decided to push forward. “I’m having nightmares every night, sometimes two. Then I don’t want to go to sleep because occasionally I fall right back into the bad dream picking up where it left off.”

  “Uh-ha.” His grunt of acknowledgment was all he said as he continued testing her reflexes.

  When he was finally finished, he sat down on the short round stool on rollers. “I expected this.” He patted Katlin’s hand. “Nightmares at this stage are very common. Sometimes they’ll make sense, other times they will be bits and pieces of things that have happened in your past that are all jumbled together. On occasion, they’ll be nonsensical, and your brain will spend several unconscious hours trying to unweave the elements. You wake up feeling more tired than you did when you went to bed.”

  That’s exactly what was happening. Normal. Thank God.

  Dr. Tobias looked at Alex. “I’ll also bet that her workouts aren’t anywhere near the level they were before you saw me last time.”

  Alex lit up. “Exactly.”

  The doctor redirected his questions to Katlin. “Have you been indecisive? Maybe even a little depressed with your progress?”

  Katlin wanted to cry. “Yes,” she croaked, trying to hold back the tears.

  “This is a vicious, downward spiraling cycle we often see in TBI patients.” The doctor held Katlin's gaze. “I don’t want you to worry about this. It’s perfectly normal. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you start sleeping.”

  He turned to his computer, clicking, and typing. “I’m ordering you some mild sedatives. They may help with the nightmares.” He paused for a long moment staring at his screen before he bounced his gaze between Katlin and Alex. “Are you two going back on the road?”

  Alex glanced at her before answering. “I’d like to take her with me.” His smile was loving and gentle. “I like having her at my side. We’ve established a daily routine.”

  And a nightly one.

  When Alex’s gaze met hers, they were both thinking the same thing.

  Dr. Tobias spun around on his stool to face Katlin. “I don’t know how you feel about psychiatrists, but with TBI’s, they’re automatically part of the healing process. I’m going to put in an order for you to speak with Dr. Eloise Bowden. I’d like you to meet with her in person before you fly off to the next city. After your initial session, I’m going to suggest you do videoconferencing with her every few days. And, before you ask, her clearance is higher than yours. Normally, she only sees special operators, and we all know that the U.S. military doesn’t have any females in SpecOps.”

  When the man winked at her and then slid a glance to Alex as though he didn’t know, Katlin thought she was going to burst out laughing.

  “Thank you, sir. Actually, Dr. Bowden and I have known each other for years.” Katlin gave a brief thought as to tell him exactly how many years, then mentally shrugged. “When I was kidnapped in a South American country at the age of four, Dr. Bowden was just starting in psychiatry as a new Lieutenant Junior Grade. They sent her down to work with my mom and me. I’ve seen her professionally from time to time over the years.”

  Katlin wasn’t going to mention that the familiar psychiatrist tested every woman before she could graduate from JAFSOS. The doctor had also made a personal phone call to Kat when each of her parents passed away, as well as shortly after Ty had been buried.

  “I look forward to talking with Captain Bowden.” And she truly did.

  “Very well, then.” The doctor spun back to his computer. “I’d like to see you again in three weeks. Stop by the pharmacy and pick up your prescription.”

  On the way back to Guardian’s office, Katlin texted Dr. Bowden. She was shocked when the older woman called minutes later.

  “Katlin, I just read your file. I’m so sorry but I’m in San Diego debriefing a SEAL team. I’m fine with videoconferencing if you are.” The psychiatrist sounded genuinely apologetic.

  Katlin glanced over to Alex. “Do you mind going out to the Los Angeles office first? I might be able to get in and see Dr. Bowden there more quickly.”

  “That will actually work out well.” Alex seemed a little hesitant, as though he had more to say but decided against it.

  “I have wonderful news,” Katlin told the woman who knew more about her than anyone else on the earth. “I’m headed to Los Angeles, but I can take the car down to San Diego. I’ll let you know my schedule within the next few hours.” She was actually excited to see the psychiatrist. Katlin had always found the older woman easy to talk with. After her mother had been suddenly killed in a car accident, Katlin would occasionally call Dr. Bowden for motherly advice.

  “That sounds perfect. I’ll see you in a few days. I’ve got to run, my next appointment is here.” When the doctor hung up, Katlin already felt better.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind going to Los Angeles?” Katlin laid her hand on Alex’s bicep that stretched the company polo shirt he wore.

  “Not at all. I need to go back there. I was headed to the L.A. Center when I heard you were hurt.” His eyebrows drew together as though he was worried, or perhaps thinking hard. He reached out his hand and she slid he
rs down his arm and interwove their fingers. “I got a call a few weeks ago from Jae…the world knows her as JJ, the actress, but we grew up together so she’s Jae to me. Our history goes back to kindergarten. She’s a special friend. We dated a few times when I bought the Los Angeles office two years ago, before you came back into my life.”

  He slid her a glance, watching her as though she might go apeshit-girlfriend crazy.

  “I know you weren’t celibate after your divorce,” she squeezed his hand. “But you’d better be monogamous now.”

  He picked up her hand and kissed the engagement ring he’d given her nearly a year ago. The large blue diamond, a family heirloom, with a clear diamond on each side, was perfect. She loved the ring as much as she loved Alex. “Kat, I don’t want any other woman in my life except you.”

  “Good. And you’d better keep it that way.” Katlin wondered why he was telling her about his childhood friend, Jae.

  He squeezed her hand. “While you were on that last mission, she had a stalker, but we caught him just before I got the news that you were hospitalized.”

  “That’s good, right? You caught him.” Katlin felt like she was missing something.

  “Yes. We did. But there were a lot of pictures, and speculation, about the two of us in the trade rags and celebrity blogs.” They stopped at a red light and he turned to face her. “I swear to you, nothing happened between us.”

  “Good to know.” There was more to this that Katlin just didn’t seem to be able to read between the lines. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Jae asked me to help her train for the movie she’s filming. She’s supposed to be some kind of kick-ass-and-take-names detective. I’ve had her working with several of the men at the L.A. office, but I really should go help her for a few days while I’m there.”

  “That might work out well since I’ll need to go to San Diego to meet with Dr. Bowden. I’m sure we can get one of the men to drive me there.” She’d already held him back from so much of his work, she wasn’t going to pull the fiancée card and insist that he go with her. Hell, had she been released to drive, she’d just take one of the cars and drive herself. But she wasn’t quite there, yet.

  “You’re the best fiancée a man could ask for.” He bounced their joined hands on his thigh.

  “You’d just better remember that.” Katlin didn’t need to warn him. Alex was not like her first husband at all. She trusted Alex completely. Paranoia crept in every now and again, but then she remembered who he was…and wasn’t.

  “See how soon we can catch a flight to L.A.,” Alex asked as he released her hand. “I’m thinking maybe five days there, then we’ll go up to San Francisco. We can catch Denver then Chicago on our way back to D.C..” Alex frowned. “Fuck. I forgot to ask Dr. Tobias if you can now go to Denver.”

  “I’ll send him an email and confirm one way or the other before we schedule that leg.” Katlin quickly checked the executive jet service they used and scheduled their flights.

  Three days later, Tim was behind the wheel of the Guardian SUV taking Katlin to the Naval Base in San Diego, a two-and-a-half-hour drive in good traffic. But it was Southern California. Traffic was always insane.

  She turned to pet Damnit, who’d decided to take up the whole backseat, when she asked, “Were you assigned to helping train JJ?” She already knew the answer.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Do they always work such long hours?” Since arriving in L.A., she hadn’t seen much of Alex. He left for the studio early in the morning and often didn’t return until long after supper.

  Tim chuckled. “They did the days I was assigned to her. The movie director is a real taskmaster. He wants JJ to perform all the fight scenes, so we ended up working with her for hours. Then they wanted to be sure they got the right camera angles. More than once, I felt like the stunt coordinator. The guy getting paid for that job sat on his ass, talking on his phone, while I re-scripted the movements to more realistic ones.”

  That made Katlin feel a little better. She probably wouldn’t see Alex at all that night. When arranging the appointment with Dr. Bowden, the psychiatrist thought she might want a sleep study, so Katlin was scheduled late in the afternoon. Just in case, they’d made reservations for Tim at a nearby hotel.

  “Thanks again for being willing to take care of Damnit if they do the sleep study.” She loved having the dog by her side. Lately, he’d been as diligent about her workout routine as Top Cooper. If she pushed it too hard, the dog would push her. More than once, he shoved his nose at her when her heart rate was too high. Even the damn dog wanted to take care of her. She was surrounded by protective Y chromosomes.

  “No problem, ma’am.” He reached back and petted the oversized puppy. “I love dogs. I miss mine.”

  “Oh, no. Did he take that trip over the rainbow?” Losing a dog was so heartbreaking. It was like losing a family member.

  “No, ma’am. I couldn’t take him when I left the military.” He gave her a big smile. “When they decide to retire him, I’m on the list. Maybe I’ll see him again, someday.”

  Katlin stroked Damnit’s smooth coat. “I hope you do.” She loved her dog. She was surprised and thankful that Dr. Bowden allowed her to bring Damnit to the session.

  They greeted each other with warm professionalism. Katlin knew the routine. She also knew how useless it was to lie. She wanted to get better. She wanted to return to her team. Although no one had said so, most likely Dr. Bowden would be the one to give the final okay, allowing her to return to full duty.

  At the end of an hour-and-a-half of intense questions, Katlin was drained. “Well, am I insane?” It was an old joke started by a sassy four-year-old.

  Dr. Bowden smiled and gave her routine answer. “Nope. Not yet.” She sat back in her chair and glanced at the notes she’d taken on her computer. “Okay. First, we don’t need the sleep study.”

  Yay. They could go home, and she could sleep in the Guardian apartment with Alex. She hoped Tim wouldn’t mind if she slept most of the way back, but she was exhausted.

  “Second, you’re not experiencing typical nightmares. Your subconscious is trying to remember the explosion. They are two very different occurrences.” She went on to explain, “Most nightmares consist of bits and pieces of memories, but they are rarely the same. They are like a jigsaw puzzle and your mind tries to rearrange the pieces each time. The theme may be similar, and the result is always that the person wakes up before the fear reaches a certain level.”

  The doctor leaned forward in her chair. “Your dreams are exactly the same, beginning to end, element to element. Each dream adds just a little more to it.”

  She typed into her computer and put a workbook away that had been lying on her desk the entire meeting. “I was all set to start you on Imagery Rehearsal Therapy.”

  “What’s that?” It sounded interesting to Katlin.

  “It’s a method by which you reimagine your nightmares with a different, less frightening outcome. Basically, you reprogram your nightmare. We’ve had great success using it with PTSD patients. But you are actually re-experiencing your trauma.”

  “Okay, so what do I do about it?”

  Dr. Bowden smiled. “You remember.”

  “Yeah, right. If I could remember what happened, I wouldn’t have the nightmares.”

  “You’re absolutely right.” She took out a small book that looked almost like the old-fashioned logs the military used. The small green book was filled with lined pages and had an attached pen.

  For the next ten minutes, Dr. Bowden explained how to awaken and remember the dream. “It takes practice. And don’t worry if you can only remember a snippet the first few times. It’ll come. And as it does, I want you to write down everything you remember in the book. I could go into the whole psychological reason why you write it down, but you don’t care.”

  Katlin giggled. “You’re right about that. Just knowing that these are memories trying to fight their way through makes me fe
el better already.”

  “These memories are real, and what your nightmare is telling me is that you felt a great deal of anxiety while trapped in the vehicle.” The doctor’s tone softened. “You carry a great deal of emotional responsibility for your team. The inability to act is what I see as the key component of your fear. You feel the need to be in control of every element of a situation, but when the SUV was on its side and you couldn’t get out on your own power, it was the most frightening thing your mind could concoct. Your mind shut down.”

  Dr. Bowden let out a short breath. “The fact that your brain was physically swelling was another factor. The mind doesn’t like pain. In your case, internal and external forces made it shut down. Thankfully, your mind is smart enough to know that certain parts of the brain need to keep functioning. You are very fortunate that they didn’t have to put you on a ventilator. I can tell from your records that your subconscious was very active during your coma. From a physical standpoint, that’s excellent.”

  The doctor smiled. “Now, we just have to get your mind to open those doors so we can deal with the locked-up emotions and memories.”

  The doctor handed her a bottle of peppermint essential oil. “It may seem weird, but it works. I want you to put a drop of this oil on a washcloth that you keep under your pillow.” She giggled. “Yes, you might have to move your weapon. Many of my SEALs slide theirs between the mattress and box springs.”

  Pointing to the small bottle in Katlin’s hand, Dr. Bowden continued, “As you’re fighting your way out of the nightmare, I want you to grab the washcloth and bring it to your face. When you inhale, the mint will ground you. Part of your brain will realize that the peppermint is real, and the dream is not. You wake up much quicker. Give it a try.”

  When the doctor stood, so did Katlin. Damnit rose, too.

  “I like that you have a service dog.” Dr. Bowden said on the way to the door.

  “Oh, Damnit isn’t a service dog. He’s a rescue mutt.” She petted the furry creature and scratched his ears.

  “Didn’t you tell me that Tanner Hill trained him?” The doctor opened the door.