CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
THE ANDY DREAMS had come back in full force since the night of the Halloween Dance. But this morning, Emily woke up and something had changed. The dream had been different.
Everything had started the same way. She ‘woke’ up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. When she arrived in the bathroom, she poured herself a drink and then looked in the mirror. There was Andy. The stared at each other just as they always had. But then, his hand reached out from the mirror and he took her hand.
It was so vivid, she could feel his hand, soft everywhere apart from a few callouses, ones he hadn’t had as a teenager but he always had as a kid. Andy loved to climb trees and hang from the monkey bars. She looked down and saw his hand on hers. It was so large that she could only see bits of her own hand through the cracks left by his.
The next thing she knew, they were both in the Wizard of Oz movie. An old-fashioned movie their Grandma made them watch a few times when they were younger. In the movie, a cowardly lion gets a courage, a tin man gets a heart, and a scarecrow gets a brain. Andy and Emily were in the magical world where the wizard in her dream he gave all the characters everything they ever wanted.
And then she woke up.
Emily felt like Andy had just died all over again. He had been so close. Andy had touched her hand. They had gone on an adventure together and now it was all over.
Her room was lowly lit by sun peeling in through the sides of the drawn curtains. A crack of light illuminated a full-length mirror opposite her bed. She could see herself in the mirror but it was like looking at a stranger. A sad, melancholy stranger lying in bed.
Since Andy died, Emily had a dream almost every day. The same one. Until now. It took well over a year for her brain to come up with something different.
Emily got out of bed, threw on a sweater and sat at her laptop to look up what a Wizard of Oz dream might mean. She had long ago looked up what dreaming of a dead relative meant: that one is repressing thoughts or feelings. She had been so irritated to find that result on Google; she could have written it herself it was so obvious.
Trying to find an interpretation about why she dreamt about the Wizard of Oz was a step too far. Her search came up empty. It as probably unusual. So she searched “deep hidden meaning of Wizard of Oz.” One site said:
The hidden meaning in the Wizard of Oz is to believe in self-sufficiency. Dorothy, The Scarecrow, Tinman and Cowardly Lion all seek external magic to give them qualities they already possess but fail to recognize…
Why would a dream about being self-sufficient come to Emily at this time in her life? Emily was totally self-sufficient. She had come half way across the country on her own accord. She didn’t need anybody to take care of her anymore.
But the word self-sufficient, and the way the author defined that word didn’t match up. What did taking care of yourself have to do with not being able to see what you truly are inside?
Did she seek “external magic” to give her qualities she already possessed?
CHAPTER FORTY
EMILY COULDN’T SHAKE the latest Andy dream. But she also couldn’t sit in her room all day and be melancholy about it. She and Xander had done no work at all on Conundrum since the Halloween dance and Leila had warned that even one missed edition and they were toast.
It was funny that although Leila came across as kind of a bully; she was actually an admirable person. She was super determined and Emily admired her ability to entertain the masses and to keep her identity secret. Emily found it hard herself when she and Xander had released the first great Conundrum about the Morse Code cheating scam. Every one was talking about it and she wanted to confess it was her, take the kudos.
Leila kept quiet for almost three years. Emily imagined she must be a very trustworthy person if she could keep such a juicy secret for such a long time.
Emily climbed the usual stairs to meet Xander in their usual spot in Kain Library. As she exited the stairwell, she saw him sitting at their usual table and had a little flashback to him in the Elvis jumpsuit. It made her twinkle a little bit, he was such a cutie. She was looking forward to forgetting about Pierce and just having some fun with someone uncomplicated.
As she walked up, Xander caught a glimpse and looked startled.
“Deep in thought,” Emily asked, smiling.
“Yeah… pretty much. I was just researching for my History paper actually. It’s like going doing a rabbit hole trying to figure out the pertinent information about an era spanning European history of two thousand years. Can’t they separate it into two courses?”
“If that would make it easier why don’t you just pretend it’s two courses? Then, take your pick.”
“Good point. I actually like it all though. Crusades, Romans, plagues… how could I choose what to write about with all that content?”
Emily laughed and said, “Well, I’ve got your central theme… Europe sucked until the French Revolution. Except you can’t steal that, because it’s my position.”
Xander joked, “Why don’t I take the the Negative, you take Affirmative and we’ll debate it out?”
Emily set her things down and sat down in a chair opposite Xander.
“You’re on,” she said.
“So,” she continued, “Not to change the subject, but actually, yes, to change the subject… we need to make this next Conundrum a goodie. I’m really sorry that I put most of this next one on you. Anything come up?”
Xander wasn’t sure this was a great segue. Something sexual leading to something sexual. But heat built up on his upper lip and it was only a matter of seconds before perspiration broke through. He couldn’t stand it. If he held back the information for too long, she would think him insensitive. Like it wasn’t important enough to talk about right away.
Xander shifted in his chair and it gave a loud creak. His temperature went up a further degree. This was going to be painful.
“Actually, Em, I have uncovered something. But it’s not about Beard-gate. I have something to tell you… it’s… it’s a bit close to home,” he said.
“What do you mean,” Emily said, taken aback and seeing that Xander’s body language had completely changed. He looked fidgety and his cheeks were flushed.
“Are you ok?” Emily asked.
“No… I’m really not ok at all. I’m tormented to say the least. Em… shit… this is so hard to say…”
He threw his head back, looked into the sky and took a deep breath.
“Come on, you’re making me worried now. What’s up?” she asked.
Still looking at the sky, not able to face her eyes, he said, “Pierce isn’t the guy you think he is.”
“Ok…” said Emily, “What guy do I think he is?”
Xander straightened his head out and looked at Emily now.
“No, Em… I shouldn’t have said that… I mean… he’s a bad guy,” Xander said, floundering his words.
Emily figured that Xander had a little crush on her. He was bound not to like Pierce. Not that the week had proven to be good for the future of any romance with Pierce, but she still felt the need to defend him.
“Well, I like him. I think he’s a nice guy,” said Emily, “He’s…”
Xander interrupted.
“I have to stop you. Because I’m not doing a very good job with this but… I’m just going to say it…”
He took a deep breath. Emily waited, eyebrows furrowed.
“… Pierce put a nanny cam in your room…”
Emily’s eyes opened wide.
“… on the night of the Halloween dance…”
Emily shook her head in disbelief.
“… he recorded you two being, you know… together…”
Emily wanted to run away but was frozen. It was a like a bad dream when a monster chased but the victim couldn’t move a muscle. She was silent. She didn’t say a word. Utterly petrified and suspended as if a spell had just been cast on her.
Xander looked at
his friend. Her face displayed out so many emotions. Fear. Embarrassment. Betrayal.
“Em, I’m so sorry,” he said, putting his hand out on hers, “I really struggled with this. I mean, I knew it would hurt you and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. But obviously, I had to tell you… I’m so sorry…”
Emily looked down at his hand on hers. It was big and engulfed hers completely. It was like in her Andy dream. Except it was a nightmare instead, and from this one, she would never wake up.
Emily was aghast. What had just happened? All at once her dream guy and her best friend seemed to unravel before her. Pierce turned out to be a total pervert and just an all out mean guy. How could he do this to her? To anyone? Xander now knew TOO much about her. She felt raw and revealed in a way that in an instant made her so much less comfortable around him.
Just when she thought she was getting on with her life… Creating a new persona, leaving behind the past... She just had new problems. Big problems.
She took her hand out from underneath Xander’s and held it to her chest, putting the other one on top. She held her thumb and pressed her fingernail into it. She looked down at the desk; it was hard to look Xander in the face.
“I’m so flipping embarrassed Xander… I, I don’t even know what to say…” she said, her words trailing into oblivion.
“I don’t want you to feel weird around me. I don’t think you deserved to be treated that way and, I mean, I don’t think any less of you or anything.”
He wished he hadn’t said that last bit. If she hadn’t been worried about that before, maybe now she was. He may have planted a seed.
She felt awful. She wanted to cry. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t because her go-to place in times like these was anger. She wanted to flip the attention away from tears and toward a more powerful place.
Emily looked up at Xander and faced him dead on. She tried to be indignant and really mad at him, but her words came out more like a plea than anything.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner. I mean, how long have you been holding on to this information? What if I had invited Pierce into my room a bunch more times in between then and now? The Halloween dance was like, a week ago.”
“I seriously just found out yesterday,” Xander said, “Literally I wanted to tell the dorm heads first because I was really worried that things were being loaded to the cloud. I mean…”
Emily gasped.
“Yes. Fuck,” she said out loud for the first time in her life, “There could be images of me and Pierce having sex all over the internet. My Mom could see it,” Emily tried to keep her voice quiet, but she was mortified.
Xander cringed at her mentioning that she and Pierce had sex. He knew it to be true but was trying hard to suppress that part of this scandal.
“Em, don’t worry. I highly doubt your mom is on the kind of sites that hold this kind of material,” Xander said.
Emily looked at him trying to hold back, this time she was truly annoyed.
“Oh, that makes me feel better, Xander. MUCH better. Thanks for that,” she said.
“Sorry. I don’t know what to say…. I wish I had the right words, but it’s just messed up. Emily, we have to tell the dean of students. Pierce has to be kicked out for this,” he said.
But Emily felt unsure. Bringing this into the limelight would expose Emily’s humiliation to the entire student body. Very little stayed a secret on the Harlow campus. Emily would suffer because people would know why Pierce was kicked out. They would know the exact role she played in his expulsion. Unless she was a victim and told the dean she had been coerced and it was against her will… but was it, really?
Rumors would spread like wildfire in an Australian summer. And Emily wasn’t sure she wouldn’t get burned. What if she got kicked out, too, for breaking the rules?
“Xander, I get why you might want to tell on Pierce but are you out of your mind? The fact that he was in my dorm room and we had… ugh. Maybe I’ll get in trouble, too. Have you ever thought of that? I’m only a prep… My God… it’s just not that cool to be known as a porn star in your first year. I’ll never shake that off,” she said, throwing her face in her hands.
Xander hadn’t thought of the rumors that might take Emily down. In his mind, the sole focus had been on the sinister act of recording someone against their will. It was wrong. It was against the law for God’s sake.
He felt in his heart, and needed to believe, that Pierce had taken advantage of her. He knew she had been played. He only wanted to protect Emily, but when news hit campus, Pierce would be the talk of the town… and so would Emily.
“Sorry… I didn’t really think of that… I guess I was actually thinking about you but also the fact that he might have done this to some other girls. Or even one of the other guys in the group might have,” Xander said, “He was kind of in on all of this with Grayson. I mean, there might be a whole ring of guys…”
Suddenly Emily’s body stiffened from it’s melting posture to full attention. It wasn’t just Xander that knew about this. Pierce knew. Grayson knew… somebody else, not them, must have told Xander. Someone else knew. Someone else.
“How did you find out about this,” she asked, “I mean, you know he was in my room, you know he recorded us… how do you know about this?”
“Randy.”
“Randy?!”
Her sweet, innocent and harmless study buddy knew about some sex scandal?
“You’re telling me Randy was in on this?” she asked, feeling destroyed.
“No… no… no,” Xander said, taking Emily’s hand again; he wanted to scoop up her entire body. He wanted to take care of her and hold her and just make her feel better. But he put her hand down, he couldn’t bear to have her pluck it away again.
Emily looked down at her hand. That was the second time Xander had held it.
Xander propped his head up on the table with his elbows and leaned closer to Emily. He spoke quietly.
“Randy hacks into people’s stuff. He overheard Pierce and Grayson talking about something in the bathrooms late at night and he decided to kind of, you know, cyber snoop.”
Ho-ly cow. Randy was a hacker? She was surprised and at the same time, not at all. That guy was the least surprising surprise she had ever had.
“But why did he have to snoop if they already admitted to putting a cam on me? I mean, this doesn’t make sense. He overhead them talking about nanny cams or whatever and he decides to tap into them and watch the footage or… what? This is insane.”
Randy had seen it all. Her “Friends” pajamas and everything underneath.
“Poke the prep,” Xander said out of nowhere.
“Poke the prep?”
“Randy didn’t know that there were nanny cams set up. He overheard the guys talking in the bathroom but all Pierce said was that he was going to ‘poke the prep.’ Randy didn’t get it. That’s why he did the digging,” he said.
Suddenly Emily’s anger and embarrassment turned into real, genuine pain. Pierce never liked her. She wasn’t his “Little One.” She wasn’t his Jill. She was just some girl he could dupe into fulfilling his stupid fantasies. One stupid little prep that was dumb enough to think that a guy like Pierce could actually like her.
She should have known better. She should have known that very first day that Pierce would never really be into her. It was all too easy. Too effortless. Too perfect. She was an idiot. Love at first sight was for losers. She was a loser.
Xander saw something he never, ever wanted to see in Emily’s eyes. It was the look of self-destruction. He knew Emily well enough to know that she would blame herself for all of this.
He regretted saying those words. For Xander, “poke the prep” just served to drive home what a jerk Pierce was. But the words didn’t make Emily think about Pierce at all. They made her think of herself. The words had made her feel worthless and Xander hadn’t needed to tell her everything.
Emily hadn’t been this close to tears sin
ce she watched the casket close on Andy. She was really afraid that if she opened her mouth nothing but a whimper would come out. She had to stay angry. Anger would stop the tears now just as they did then.
Xander looked at Emily and had never felt more helpless in his life. He wished he could turn back time and be more honest about his gut instincts on Pierce. He wished he would have asked her to the dance before Pierce did. He wished he could just press some giant delete button and get rid of the last week’s highlights. But all he could do was hug her.
Xander got up and went around to the other side of the table. He pushed Emily’s seat away from the table and bent down to embrace her.
His arms felt warm. They squeezed her just enough to take away some of the pain. They held her the way that a person in pain should be held. They held her the way she wished she had been held after Andy died.
Suddenly, a single tear trickled down her cheek. It was as though a spell had been broken.
Xander felt the change in her and pulled back to see her crying.
“Oh no…” Xander scrunched up his face, he too, was feeling the pain, “Don’t cry, Em… please…”
Xander’s sincerity touched her. A few more tears rolled down her cheeks.
“It’s ok. I’m ok. I’m actually glad I’m crying.”
“You are?”
“Yeah. I am,” she said, and then took a deep breath to clear away the foggy feeling of water in her eyes.
“Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?”
Xander pulled back a bit. Keeping his eyes on Emily he reached back for a chair and pulled it near hers so he could be within hugging distance if she needed it.
“Uh, yeah… my Grandma loved that movie,” he said.
“Funny… that’s why I saw it, too,” Emily said, sniffling a bit as her nose starting stuffing up, “Anyway… this is random… but all the characters, you know, they are trying to to solve their problems with some sort of magic. Like the wizard could just wave his wand and they would all get what they want. Fill themselves up with what they were missing. I thought Harlow would be my magic. But it isn’t…”
The End Defines the Beginning : A Boarding School Coming of Age (Harlow Academy Series Book 1) Page 16
