by Anna Edwards
“Not yet. I have an appointment with Heather Grey tomorrow.”
“Oh, Heather is lovely. She does wonders over at the centre. She’d love to have Ollie, I’m sure.”
I had to take her word for it. When I’d looked into home schooling, I knew instantly I wasn’t cut out for it. Keeping him at home wouldn’t have been fair to Ollie. He needed social stimulation from other children; he needed peers that were not his father or grandparents. Heather’s centre had been the second reason I’d moved to the area.
“Don’t look so worried, Lewis. Today we get a feel for one another, and we chat about what we can do for Ollie. What services are available and which ones he’d benefit from.”
Whilst I hated labelling of any type, Ollie was a labelled child, diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. He wasn’t severe, although I often queried how it could be any worse.
But my child he was, and today I was making steps toward getting my head into the right frame of mind. I’d leaned too much on Steph’s parents and felt a failure toward Ollie. I didn’t understand ASD half the time, no matter how many classes I took, or articles I read on the internet. Depression was creeping in and I refused to let that bitch own me. I wanted to be better so I could be the best for my son.
Dr Marshall and I talked schools, clubs, programmes - all about Ollie. “Once he’s settled in with Heather,” she winked at me like it was a foregone conclusion. “We start on you.”
Her statement was unappealing, brokering no comfort, but she was right. Essentially, I couldn’t hide behind Ollie, it would eventually come around to me. Two hours we talked and planned and by the time we wrapped up, Ollie was sitting in the corner, his pencils lined up in front of him and he was colouring in his pad happily. It was his go to thing. Drawing was about the only activity that held his attention, and I’d never seen him lose his temper with either his pencils or his paper.
“Are you coming on Saturday?”
I turned back to Dr Marshall. “Saturday?”
“Fete day. Big field just outside of Alcott. Lots of things for the kids to do.” I thought about it for maybe three seconds then shook my head. A fete would be full of people and noise, Ollie would struggle. “Heather is putting up a sensory tent. If you needed to take a time out, you could head there.”
“No, I don’t…”
“Give it some consideration. I think you and Ollie would enjoy it, meet some locals. Even if for just an hour.”
“I will. Think on it, I mean.”
She smiled warmly and shut off the recorder. “We’ll do this once a week for now. You have my number, please use it if you need to.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it. I’m struggling without his grandparents.”
“Have faith. I’m sure you’ll find a support system in no time.”
“I hope so, I’ve grown rather fond of Alcott.”
An hour later and we were back at the library, my heart beating faster than it possibly had a right to. I’d always loved old buildings and the library was gorgeous, but that wasn’t what had my heart beating harder. No, that would be all Jack, and the prospect of seeing the beautiful man again.
Upon entering however, I was met with disappointment, an emotion I hoped didn’t display well. When a cheery-faced woman greeted me instead, I couldn’t hide my faltering smile, my day feeling just that little dimmer.
It was past lunch, he should have been there. Maybe I’d heard him wrong?
“You must be the new guy?”
“And you are...” I smirked, trying to hide how I was feeling at missing seeing Jack. “Jill?”
“The one and only.” Did I ask about her brother, or was that too obvious? “Jack had to run an errand for Henry.”
I didn’t know who Henry was, but that ireful disenchantment was back. I tipped my head in question but when Jill neglected to catch the action for what it was; I ploughed on. “I came to pick up a book Jack ordered in from another library for me.”
Ollie tugged on my hand at that point and I shook my head. I hadn’t planned on staying, less so now Jack wasn’t here. For once, Ollie understood and didn’t make an immediate fuss, just held my hand a little tighter, worn out from his earlier exploits.
Jill patted her hand on top of the counter. “Bring him up here, let me see the little fella. Mabel says he’s a heartbreaker.” She winked, putting me at ease. I didn’t get the vibe of a flirty wink and was grateful, I kind of had the hots for the other employer.
Hoisting Ollie up on to the counter, I slipped an arm around his waist and anchored him to my side, making sure he couldn’t wriggle away. “So, the book?”
Pulling out the slip of paper that had the name of the book and the author written on it, I pushed it forward, hoping there was no judgement. A book about depression would always get people looking at you with pity, and that I didn’t need nor want.
A minute later, the book was in front of me, the one Jack had put aside with my name attached to a post it on the top. I’d also discovered exactly who Henry was, Jill laughing when I’d blown out a breath of relief.
“You going to the fete on Saturday?”
Clearly, Saturday was a big deal for people to be telling me about it. I scratched at the end of my nose, weighing up the pros and cons yet again. As if on cue, Ollie banged his feet against the counter, a constant bang he wasn’t likely to let up on. Normally I would do the ignoring thing I was still trying to master, but we were in a public library and I couldn’t let it continue.
Picking Ollie up and holding him to my chest, I gave a weak smile to Jill. “Sorry. I really need to go but it was lovely meeting you.”
Not waiting for a reply, I swung around and almost smacked into Jack right about the time Ollie decided to add noise to his gathering tantrum. Staring for a second at how utterly gorgeous he was, the man standing next to him brought me hurtling back down to earth along with the stinging thud at the top of my thighs. I was Ollie’s kicking board for the foreseeable future, and it was time to move it if I wanted no more bruises. Meltdown was on its way and the safest place for both of us was in his car seat before he really got going.
Without another glance, I stepped around Jack and hot-footed it out of there in silence. Ollie was making the noise of a small army, nobody would have heard me anyway.
Chapter Five
“What did you say to him?” I pointed at Jill, whose mouth had a habit of running away with itself.
“You didn’t tell me he was bloody gorgeous, Jack!” Her eyes were huge, her cheeks a little pink.
“Hey,” I protested. “Married, remember?”
Groaning, she bowed her head. “Don’t remind me.”
Jesus, it was about time she woke up and threw her slob of a husband to the kerb. If there had ever been a waste of space in Alcott, Jill had married it. “What was wrong with Lewis?”
“Uh uh. That’s all on you. He was perfectly fine until he saw your ugly mug.”
“Ha, fucking ha, Jill. Seriously?”
She shrugged and came out from behind the counter. “I think maybe his kid - cute as hell by the way - was going into meltdown. He left his book.”
A hasty second later, I had Lewis’s book in my hand and was turning on my heel, briskly walking out of the library. As soon as I was outside, I scanned up and down the road looking for Lewis and Ollie with no joy. I jogged around the side of the building to the back where there was a small car park that serviced the library.
Only six cars could fit, and the breath whistled from my mouth when I saw Lewis leaning on the bonnet of a black Audi. His arse was balanced on the edge, his head tipped back, eyes closed. He held an unlit cigarette in his hand slack by his side, which surprised me; I hadn’t pegged him for a smoker. When Ollie’s wails from inside the car hit my ears, I understood the urge, even if I didn’t like it.
Stalking toward him and catching him off guard, he almost jumped a mile when I drew close, dropping the cigarette. I didn’t think, walked those few feet and drop
ped the book to the ground, grabbing the lapels of the blue blazer he wore so beautifully, I hauled him from the bonnet and into my chest.
“Stress relief,” I muttered unconvincingly then clamped my mouth over his without thinking twice. I didn’t care if it disgusted him another man had dared to kiss him, not if it meant he got a few moments outside of his head.
But he didn’t hit me, didn’t even move back. He collapsed further into me and hung on for dear life, like he was drowning and only I could save him. With passion, he kissed me back, as if he’d missed me and I’d been gone from his presence for too long.
Hunger.
I could taste the hunger on his tongue as he warred with mine, a perfect synchronicity that melted my bones yet made me impossibly hard. The contradiction, mind blowing.
Lewis was skilled. No, he was more than skilled; he excelled in the business of owning my mouth. I tuned out my surroundings except for the man pressing the length of his body against mine like he wanted to crawl inside and live there.
The attraction was instant. Insta-lust. But it was more, so goddamned much more. The excitement of what if’s, terrifying. Even if this stayed one kiss, I knew in that moment, Lewis would be life changing, and there was no explaining the why.
I pulled away first, with great reluctance, my hand reaching to cup his cheek, my thumb swiping at the glistened corner of his reddened lips. That mouth begged to be consumed again and again, plundered and taken. I resisted, common sense snapping me back to the moment.
Ollie was in the car behind us. He wasn’t screaming anymore and when I looked over Lewis’s shoulder and through the front windscreen, the little boy with reddened eyes and a flushed face peered back at me. Ollie was smiling, toothy grinned and glorious.
Lewis turned too, gasping, a loud thing that cut the quiet, then he shifted slightly away. “I think you have a fan.”
Why was he whispering? “What?”
“He doesn’t normally make eye contact, but he’s staring right at you.”
“He likes me?” My heart went all kinds of squishy until Lewis spoke again, his words a sobering reality to what I’d shamelessly done.
“Or he wants to smother you for kissing his dad,” he chuckled.
“I’m sorry.”
Lewis sighed loudly, turning to face me. “Don’t. Please don’t be, Jack. It’s been a long time since anyone kissed me like that,” he admitted, his eyes casting downward, as if embarrassed.
“How long?”
“Since my wife died. Four years ago.”
“You seemed like you needed a distraction. Wait…” Lewis’s words sank in. “Your wife?”
When he nodded his head, misery poured from him, putting an end to the tent in my pants.
Everything clicked into place, not that I knew all that much about the man because this was only the second time we’d met. I knew a heavy heart when I saw one though. “That’s why you’re here?”
“Yes. To start over.”
What an almighty dick I was. This man was grieving the loss of a wife he’d loved. “Shit. I’m sorry.” Taking a step backward and waving a hand between us, I said. “I just made this awkward.”
“No, Jack. Please, no apologies. If I didn’t want to kiss you, I would have pushed you away.”
I felt mortified with myself. I’d kissed a man I had no right kissing, a near stranger. For all I’d known, he’d had a wife at home, or even a man. My heart sank to the Converse on my feet, the double tango it had been doing not five minutes ago danced to a different beat now.
He was a widow. A widow with a child.
“I have to go.”
Lewis had toppled me. He’d kissed me back, which was neither here nor there. Everyone knew you could never compete with a love that had died. Being the coward I was, I left the most gorgeous man I’d ever had the pleasure of locking lips with, against the bonnet of his car.
“I’ll see you Saturday?” he shouted before I turned the corner of the building. I was too pussy to answer back. I’d make a point of seeing him Saturday and just hoped I’d be able to hide the way he’d become the man who filled all my fantasies and more.
Chapter Six
The last few days had been calm with Ollie. His tantrum in the car had been the last, I still couldn’t figure out what had set him off, but I was enjoying the reprieve while I could.
The visit with Heather Grey had been everything I’d hoped it would be and solidified the reason for moving to Alcott. From the minute I’d met the woman, I’d had a good feeling about her and the two hours we’d spent at the centre were eye opening. Ollie had a rare sparkle in his eye and immediately took to Heather, she had a way about her with Ollie I’d never seen before. He didn’t even fuss when she held his hand while walking around the centre, willingly followed simple commands she gave. I guessed they were feeling each other out. I was happy with what I saw, and even happier when Heather said she’d love to have Ollie.
Everything was falling into place. For Ollie. Not so much for me.
Jack, the man who’d taken up permanent residence in my thoughts, gave me not a minute’s peace. Whether it was at night when I felt the loneliness creeping in like never before, or during the day when I daydreamed about his perfect lips and that perfect kiss.
I knew what this was, I’d felt the same when I’d met Stephanie. I wasn’t so naïve or jaded enough to think out of all the people in the world, we only ever got one shot at a happy ending.
Just one love? What a ridiculous notion. Insta-love, love at first sight, you had me at hello… All corny. Until you found yourself there. I didn’t know Jack, but hell I wanted to because whatever was there in the two short meetings we’d had, there was no ignoring his impact upon me.
I’d decided about the fete; Ollie and I were having a day out. It was less about seeing Jack - though that hope was there - and more about social opportunity. I wanted Ollie to thrive here, hell; I wanted to thrive here. The endless black cloud I felt above me daily had outstayed its welcome, I’d spent too long hiding from the world. This depressed fog I wandered around in most of the time was doing nothing for either myself or Ollie.
I wasn’t broken, but I was picking myself back up off the ground. Not before time.
Ollie helped me pack up his little Octonauts back pack. He could carry this one himself, getting better at snatching pieces of independence that came naturally to others. The bag was one. I reminded him he needed juice and snacks; we weren’t assured there would be anything Ollie would eat, such was his fussy taste in food. His notepad and rainbow pencil case were added, he couldn’t go anywhere without them. And thankfully, the sippy cup remained on the kitchen counter. Small victory.
Bundling Ollie into his car seat, he went willingly for a change. I’d already explained where we were going, happy to spot the small thrum of excitement from my son. Once I’d clasped the seatbelt of the car seat together, Ollie clapped and grinned from ear to ear.
“Ready? You excited?” He clapped again louder. Yeah, little dude was enthusiastic all right, and it warmed my heart to see him smile with such abandon. Like a child should. Not something I ever took for granted.
Time to meet the town’s people, show them who we were. Alcott would be home from here on in.
Ollie managed an hour, albeit with his ear defenders on and plastered to my side. The super star had done well, he’d been a hit with everyone we’d met.
I’d stayed away from the bottom part of the field where I could see Heather Grey and her centre had pitched a huge gazebo tent. The minute I took Ollie that way, I’d never get him to leave, and I wanted to mingle first. The more I involved my son in these situations with lots of people and noise, the more he’d get used to it even if he didn’t like it. I didn’t want him growing up a recluse because his father was too chickenshit to deal with the consequences of a meltdown. I had to learn when Ollie had had enough before he did, understand his triggers, and intervene before he spiralled out of control.
Now seemed like the perfect time to check it out, he was getting fussy, Heather’s tent was exactly what he needed.
It disappointed me I hadn’t seen Jack, having hoped to have been able to talk with him. I wanted no regrets or hard feelings between us, and possibly a chance to be friends at the very least.
He needed to see a man who wasn’t still mourning his wife and taking a back seat to life. My truth had thrown him, but he needed to know I was doing everything in my power to get back to the man I was. It seemed important to show Jack how much I liked him.
Ollie dragged his feet, his hand in mine losing grip so I scooped him up and held him at my hip. He was getting too big to carry this way, but I liked the involuntary closeness he gave, it wasn’t something I was eager to stop, feeling like it was often the only way to get affection from my son. I’d carry this boy no matter how big he got in life.
His head dropped to my shoulder, his fingers twirling in the strands of hair at the base of my neck. I smiled as I sauntered toward the welcome face of Heather Grey who was waving us over.
“The little tyke getting tired?” she asked as she ruffled Ollie’s hair.
“Overwhelmed, I think.”
She clucked her tongue and nodded. “Sometimes a little too much.”
“He did good.”
I glanced around her area, nudging Ollie and pointing at two tables butted up against one another. His little eyes lit up, and he wriggled to be put down on his feet.
He hesitated for all of two seconds, eyeing a girl at one table before deciding he wanted to draw more than anything else. Off he took without looking back and made himself at home opposite the girl. Out came his pencil case, then his notebook, and I knew I’d lost him for a little while.
“It’s good he has that. Perfect outlet.”
I gave Heather my attention. “Doesn’t always work though. When he’s in one of those moods, he’s destructive and won’t even look at his pencil case. Like he knows he’ll end up snapping them then be mad all over again for doing so.”
