Chloe laughed. “I’m his sister, so I guess this is a family reunion.”
I laughed with them, but my stomach turned at the thought of my parents. They wouldn’t make the trip from Canada to see their grandchild born. Not much for showing attention or affection, they helped to mold me into being the best goalie in the NHL, but that’s where they stopped. Once I left for the junior leagues in high school, they’d said goodbye and good luck. They weren’t the loving, doting type. I hadn’t visited them in person in over five years, and they hadn’t made the effort to come see me, despite my asking them and offering to pay all the expenses. A part of me, the child within, craved their approval. For them to tell me they’re were proud, but it wasn’t going to happen. And I doubted it would change even with their grandchild involved.
Coach and Marie had been my parents since I’d signed with the team as a nineteen-year-old almost seven years ago. They were my family. They were the ones I wanted to share this moment with, and I was grateful they were here for me and especially for Emma.
She was close to her family, but they lived in Minnesota and with three younger sisters they were often too busy to visit. I knew she wanted her mother here and I offered to fly her out this morning, but we agreed last night having her here later, when Emma needed more help, would be more beneficial.
Kelly walked back in with a much more relaxed demeanor. “I’m going to check how Emma’s doing, so I’m going to have to ask your visitors to wait in the hall for a moment.”
I watched as the room cleared before going to Emma to help her turn onto her back and scoot down to the end of the bed. Kelly lifted the sheet and did the exam in record time. “You’re right at a seven, but I spoke to Dr. Hopkins and she wanted you to at least a nine by now.” She paused for a moment as if letting the words sink in. “We’re going to prep you now for the cesarean. I’ll be right back.”
She left and soon our support team filed back into the room. “What did she say?” Chloe asked first.
“We’re doing the C-section,” I said while squeezing Emma’s hand. She was pale and appeared a bit shocked. The mood in the room shifted. Instead of waiting, we were in action mode. We’d been assured there were low risks and chances were slim there would be any problems, but the thought of having Emma cut open was unsettling. I just had to be strong for her.
“Do you know what that means?” Coach asked with a growing smile.
I shook my head and peered down at Emma who seemed confused.
“Your baby is going to be here in less than an hour. You’re going to meet your little one and all you have to do is lay still for a few minutes.”
Emma’s eyes darted to Marie. “It’s that simple?”
She nodded. “It will be over in a flash.”
That seemed to bring some relief to Emma, and I grew even more grateful they were here. Coach and Marie were the closest thing we had to parents and the most experienced ones in the room.
Kelly walked back in carrying a small cup. “This is Bicitra to help settle your stomach. The operating room is being prepped and we’ll bring you in as soon as possible.”
“Thank you.” Emma’s gave her a weary smile.
Kelly disappeared and I watched Emma. She seemed to be doing better but I wish I knew what was going on in her mind.
“You okay, baby?” I asked Emma.
Her eyes met mine and she nodded. She was pale and tired, but oh so beautiful to my eyes. I kissed the top of her head, warm from exertion.
A new nurse walked in with a stack of folded blue cloth. “These are for Dad.” She surveyed the room and I held up my hand. “Change into these and we’ll take you to wash in.”
I took the cloth and realized they were scrubs. This was it. It was time. I looked up and saw Coach watching me with a smile. He nodded. “It’s ‘go’ time, son.”
I walked into the restroom and changed quickly. I felt guilty being away from Emma when I knew she needed me.
When I walked back into the room, Dr. Hopkins was there. I dwarfed the doctor by two feet, but she seemed tall and hero-like to me at that moment. This tiny brunette was going to help us deliver our baby. “Hey there, Dad. You ready?”
I shrugged. “I guess so.”
Emma held out her hand and I hurried to her side and took hers in both of mine. “You ready?” I asked.
Her face contorted and a tear rolled down her cheek. “Yeah. Let’s go meet our baby.”
“Perfect. I will see you in the operating room.” Dr. Hopkins excused herself and left.
“Let me take those.” Chloe took my folded clothes from the bed where I’d set them and stuffed them in our hospital bag.
“Honey, do you have preemie clothes?” Marie asked suddenly.
Emma shook her head. “No, I didn’t think I’d need them.”
Marie and Chloe looked at each other. “We have shopping to do.” Marie sounded excited about this.
“Oh great.” Reese groaned, but smiled and winked at me.
“We’ll take care of that and be back by the time you’re in the recovery room.” Chloe said with optimism.
“Thanks guys.” I was grateful someone else was able to think more than ten seconds ahead.
“If you need anything just let us know,” Marie said before leaning down and giving Emma a hug. “We’ll be here when you’re done.”
Emma nodded. “Thank you.”
After each of them hugged her then me, they walked out leaving us alone.
I gazed down at my beautiful wife and couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her. I placed a gentle kiss on her lips, cheeks, then forehead. “I love you so much.”
Her glistening eyes held mine. “I love you more.”
Kelly walked in followed by two new nurses. “Ready?”
“Yes.” Emma sounded strong. I was so proud of her.
“Okay, Dad follow me, and we’ll see you soon Emma.”
I squeezed her hand one more time before stepping away. “I’ll see you in a second.”
She nodded.
I followed Kelly through a maze of halls until we entered a small room with several sinks. “Wash your hands and any other exposed skin.” She handed me a bright orange bar of soap and stood at the sink next to me. I followed her lead, scrubbing like it was life or death. What did I know? Maybe it was.
After I toweled off, she led me into a white, sterile operating room. Emma was already in the center with a curtain over her middle. I went to her and she reached out for her hand. “I’m here, baby.” She nodded as the team of nurses got to work.
I peeked over once to see Dr. Hopkins making an incision. That was enough for me.
“What’s going on?” Emma asked sounding a bit calmer than the last time I saw her. Hopefully Kelly gave her something to help her relax.
“They’ve already started,” I said, feeling nauseated.
“I don’t feel it.”
“That’s good.” I might not be able to unsee this, but knowing Emma was oblivious to the pain was a relief.
Her eyebrows pulled together. “This is weird.”
I forced myself not to react at the sight of the doctor’s hand inside my wife’s cut-open belly. I closed my eyes and thought of nice things. Blocking a goal, puppies, the ocean. Nope. It wasn’t working. This was something that would haunt me forever.
I focused only on Emma, holding her hand and whispering how much I loved her. The second a cry erupted I jumped up and looked between the arms of the doctor and nurses to see a red, angry bundle flailing. Tears flooded my eyes until I blinked, trying to clear my vision. “Emma, you did it.” I choked out the words around the lump in my throat.
I stared down at her to see her beaming. She was my superhero. She was absolutely incredible.
“Congratulations mom and dad. Here’s your baby boy.” Dr. Hopkins lifted our baby enough for Emma to see him before turning and handing him off to a nurse. He was smaller than I thought was possible. His precious skin was covered with whitish clumps an
d the realization that he had actually just come out of Emma washed over me. I’d just witness a miracle.
“We have a boy.” Emma whispered crying more than me.
“You did so good, babe. I’m so proud of you.” I kissed her forehead as my tears fell.
She smiled. “Go see him. Make sure he’s okay.”
I nodded and wove my way through the room to where the nurse was bathing him off. His screaming continued to make me smile. “You’re a tough one.”
I smiled down at him as the reality of the moment washed over me. I had a son. This impossibly tiny human was mine. He was part of me. The moment I’d seen him I knew.
I counted his toes and fingers. Admired his little feet and squished face. He was perfection. With each heartbeat my love for him grew. I didn’t know it was possible to be so in love with someone I had just barely met. It was more overwhelming than anything I’d ever experienced. One look and I knew I would do anything to protect him. To fight for him. To make sure his life was full of happiness.
Did my parents feel this way when I came into the world? Or had they always been aloof and indifferent to my presence? I shook away the negative thought and followed the nurse as she took him to the warming table and began taking measurements.
“He’s four pounds, ten ounces. Eighteen inches long.” The nurse smiled at me. “He’s little but he’s strong.”
I nodded. He was perfect.
I turned to tell Emma. The doctor was yelling to one of the nurses and another was running across the room. “What’s going on?”
The smile on the face of the nurse next to me disappeared. “She’s hemorrhaging.”
Kelly was next to Emma using suction while Dr. Hopkins’ hands moved quickly around Emma’s middle. Blood covered the table, too much blood.
I hurried to her, but her eyes were closed. “What’s happening? Why isn’t she awake?”
They ignored me. The doctor barked, “Get her blood.” A nurse jumped at the doctor’s command and soon another IV was inserted in Emma’s arm.
“Emma, honey. Stay with me.”
Someone put their hand on my arm. “We need you to move away from the table.”
I moved back against a wall as things moved in fast-forward around me.
I never imagine something like this. I didn’t let myself. This was worst case scenario. I closed my eyes and wished Coach was in here with me.
We’re going to get through this. I opened my eyes and checked on Emma. Her color was improving, but she wasn’t awake.
“Found the source” Dr. Hopkins announced and I noticed Kelly relax.
Within a few moments Emma was stitched up and being moved to the recovery room. Kelly pushed the bed while I followed dumbly behind. I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do.
The baby. I turned and looked around. “Where is he?”
It had been less than an hour and I’d already lost him. Panic flooded my entire body. Emma was going to kill me.
“He’s at the nursery. We’ll bring him in once Emma is situated,” Kelly replied. I nodded, thankful someone had half a brain around here.
Kelly led us into a large room, much nicer and more spacious than the one we were in before. She and another nurse lifted Emma to the new bed and switched her monitors and tubes over as well. Once they were done and left, I slumped onto the leather chair and dropped my head into my hands.
How had this happened? I left her for just a second and she almost died. Thank goodness she was alert. She was going to be fine.
Someone knocked on the door and it swung open. Coach and Marie stepped in, seeming cautious. “Kelly said you looked like you could use your parents right now.”
I nodded and stood. They rushed over, wrapping their arms around me. It was just what I needed and somehow, they knew.
“What’s going on, Olli?” Coach asked with concern over his face.
I shook my head and gestured to Emma who was sleeping peacefully. I kept my voice low so I wouldn’t wake her up. “She did so good. The baby came out and he cried--”
“It’s a boy?” Marie asked.
I nodded and smiled a millimeter. “He’s so perfect. I was watching him get his measurements taken then I turned to tell Emma and the doctor was yelling. The nurses were running around. She was hemorrhaging. When I got to her, she had lost consciousness. They got it under control, and said she will be okay, but I don’t know. Then I forgot the baby. I thought I lost him, but he’s at the nursery.”
Marie smiled gently and rubbed my arm. “Olli, you just went through a lot and I think you’re in shock. Let’s sit down.” She led me back to the chair and sat in the matching one next to me. “Emma is going to be okay. It’s common for bleeding to happen. All that matters is that you have a great doctor who saw it before closing her up. Your baby boy is just fine. The nurses will take good care of him.”
As if on cue, there was another knock and a new nurse came in pushing a white bassinet. “Hi.” She whispered with a smile. Her eyes darted to Emma before resting on me. “I have someone that would like to meet you.”
I went to stand but Coach held my shoulders down and looked next to me. The nurse had parked the bassinet at the foot of Emma’s bed then picked up the little blue bundle and came to me. “Here you go, Dad.”
I took my son and held him against me for the first time. I glanced up to see Marie beaming and Coach holding out his phone. I appreciated him having the thought to memorialize this moment. Not that I would ever forget.
The nurse smiled and backed out of the room. I peered down at my little man. There was nothing that could have stopped the flood of tears. I’d never been much of a crier, but today was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I’d felt more emotions in the past few hours than I normally did in a year.
“He’s perfect, Olli.” Marie whispered while leaning over to see him. I adjusted so she and Coach could admire our creation.
“Do you guys have a name picked out?”
I nodded. “Jackson Oliver.”
They sighed in unison.
I used one hand to wipe the tears off my face. “Thank you, guys, for being here. It means more than you’ll ever know.”
Coach patted my shoulder. “There’s no place else we’d be, son.”
I choked down the rock in my throat then turned to Emma. I hoped she would wake up soon. I couldn’t wait for her to meet our son.
5
Emma
Jackson was perfect. Everyone had said it at least a hundred times. I smiled and nodded, but inside felt numb. Not because of any medications. Not from the epidural. Emotionally there was nothing.
I was just plain tired.
I’d repeated that to myself a million times since I’d woken up. Coach and Marie were the only ones in the room and let me have time with Jackson alone before everyone, and I mean everyone, came into the room.
I followed the nurse’s instructions for skin to skin time. I worked with the lactation specialist to get him to latch. This part was going smoothly. Much better than the labor and delivery had.
I almost died. I shivered at the memory. During the C-section, I heard Jackson’s cries, then Olli left, then darkness. There was so much chaos then nothing. I thought in that moment I had died. Maybe it was medication or my brain’s self-defense, but something happened and then there was pure darkness and nothing else.
I closed my eyes and forced those thoughts away.
“I’m already so in love with him, Emma.”
I opened my eyes and smiled up at Kendall who was holding Jackson, her blonde curls bouncing as she did. Hartman stood behind her looking uneasy. I was glad his concussion wasn’t too bad. He seemed like his normal self, though his brown hair was messier than normal.
“Makes you want one of your own, right?” I teased. Hartman’s expression morphed into panic.
Kendall giggled. “Maybe one day.”
Hartman shook his head and looked to the other guys for support. Reese and Erik seemed co
mfortable with the baby, but Brassard and Noah appeared nervous anytime Jackson was within a few feet of them. I understood how they felt. Babies were intimidating, but newborns were in a league of their own. So tiny and fragile and wholly dependent on others to survive.
I’d felt that pressure blanket me the moment I opened my eyes and saw Olli holding our baby. A weight so heavy I was slow sinking. I wanted to be as excited as the rest of the Pride, but I couldn’t get over the responsibility.
“My turn.” Colby extended her arms in front of Kendall who pouted but passed him off.
Colby pulled her long honey-colored hair over her shoulder and took him in with expert motion. Something I hadn’t been able to do. I was clumsy and awkward and didn’t feel like I was doing it right.
“Colby, do you have little siblings?” My mind felt like it should know the answer, but it couldn’t find it.
“No, I just did a lot of babysitting in high school.”
I nodded, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Why wasn’t this maternal instinct coming naturally to me? Jackson was my own flesh and blood, but it just wasn’t clicking. I peered at my sweet baby, and felt nothing. No excitement. No joy. Just dread.
I listened to the chatter in the room but felt like I was far away. Like I was in another room hearing and seeing, but not really a part of it.
I’m just tired. I’ll feel better after I sleep.
I hoped that would be the case.
Our new nurse, Melanie, walked into the room and tsked at the number of people. She wasn’t as cheery as Kelly had been, but she’d taken great care of me and Jackson so I couldn’t complain.
“How are you feeling, Emma?” Melanie asked. “Any pain?”
I shook my head. “Feeling good.” They’d been generous with the pain killers since I woke up and I was blissfully unaware of the consequences of the surgery so far. I was going to take advantage of that for as long as possible. Any time I felt a tinge of pain, I pressed my happy little button and within moments I felt better.
Melanie smiled. “I got you the good stuff.”
I let out a laugh and immediately cringed. The action required stomach muscles and although I couldn’t feel the pain, my midriff clenched strangely.
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