“Are you feeling ready to eat yet?”
I should be starving. I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty-four hours, but the thought of food didn’t sit right. “Not quite.”
“Just let me know when you’re ready and we’ll get you a dinner ordered.”
“Thank you.”
She nodded and checked over the monitors before walking out.
Olli took her place at my bedside. “Doing okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I felt shy around him all of a sudden. Uncertain, and frankly scared. Could he tell how wrong I felt? Could he already tell I was a terrible mother? The thought of disappointing him was like another weight stacking on top of me.
“Do you want me to ask everyone to leave? Are you feeling tired?”
I was past the point of exhaustion, but I didn’t want everyone to leave. That would mean I’d be alone with Olli and Jackson. There’d be no distractions and Olli would realize how terrible I was. He’d see how awkward I was with our baby. All the other girls seemed so natural with him. I didn’t know how to do anything without the nurse helping, and soon I’d be on my own. If only I could take Melanie home. She would know what to do. She’d know why he was crying and how to help him. I knew nothing.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s nice to have our friends here.”
He narrowed his eyes. “We did just spend a week in Mexico with them.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, but Jackson wasn’t there.”
He laughed. “Just barely. Could you imagine what would have happened if you went into labor a day earlier?”
I’d definitely thought about it. I couldn’t be more grateful I hadn’t. Things might not have gone according to plan, but at least I was at my hospital with my doctor. Going through that labor and delivery in another country sounded terrifying.
“I can’t put into words how happy I am that didn’t happen.”
He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Me too, babe.”
“Hey Olli, watch this.” Erik was holding Jackson now, stroking his cheek.
“He’s smiling!” Olli sounded happier than I’d ever seen him. He was so in love with Jackson. He’d bonded with him in just a few hours. It all seemed so easy for him.
Why wasn’t it happening for me?
Pregnancy had been a breeze. A little morning sickness and that was it. I loved it. It was an amazing experience, so why didn’t I love motherhood as much? This is what it was all about. All the work, pain, and stretchmarks were for him. But he was a stranger.
If it wasn’t for the barcode on his tiny ankle I’d wonder if he was even mine. If maybe he got switched in the nursery, but Olli saw the hospital staff put the bracelet on. Olli had recognized his little smushed face. He was ours.
My hands ran over my still swollen belly. He was out. My little bean was here finally, and I felt nothing. Not even relief. I wished I had someone to ask why I felt this way. My mom always talked about how much she loved each of us the moment she saw us. How she had this magic connection with her babies. That’s what I’d been expecting.
I didn’t have any other friends with babies. I could ask Marie, but what if she was more like my mother? What if it was just me? How humiliating would that be? She’d think I was crazy, or that something was wrong with me. Maybe there was.
Things would get better. I just had to be patient.
* * *
Coming home after four days in the hospital was the most glorious feeling. Having the nurses’ help was great, but I wouldn’t miss them coming in at all hours of the night and day. Or when, right after Olli or I got Jackson to sleep, a nurse would poke and prod him until he cried.
That was all behind me now.
Chloe and Madeline made sure all the preemie clothes were washed and ready for Jackson when we got home. They also had lunch waiting for us. They were heaven sent.
“Welcome home momma!” Madi clapped when I slid into one of the chairs at the bar.
“Thank you, guys, so much.” I slid the rice bowl toward me. “Mm real food.” I took a bite and moaned.
“The food wasn’t too bad.” Olli deflected as he took his bowl. One bite later he shook his head. “No, I’d just forgotten what food was after all that hospital junk.”
The girls laughed and moved to the car seat where Jackson was sleeping.
“He’s so sweet.” Chloe cooed.
I pasted on the smile I’d been forcing for the past several days. “He really is.”
Things hadn’t gotten better for me.
I thought it was obvious. How horrible I was with him. How he felt like someone else’s baby. I loved him, but it felt like how I would love Chloe or Madi’s baby. He was precious and beautiful, but still didn’t feel like mine.
No one had said a word to me that a new mom could possibly feel this way. At least not to me. Maybe this was normal. Maybe it took some moms a few days to adjust.
“Once we found out he was a boy,” Chloe said, “we went out and got a few things for the nursery. I hope you don’t mind.” She glanced at me with uncertainty.
I shook my head. “Not at all. That’s really sweet of you guys. It’s one less thing for me to worry about.”
That was at least true. I’d decorated the room in white and gray so it would work for a boy or girl but adding a few dinosaurs or hockey sticks wasn’t even on my radar. I couldn’t care less.
I let out a sigh.
I’d been obsessed with decorating and preparing just last week. What had happened to me?
I was stranger to myself.
“Have you guys decided if you’re going to get a nanny or anything?” Madi glanced between me and Olli.
There was an idea. I could have someone else around. Someone with experience. Someone to do the things that were already feeling insurmountable.
“We’ll have to see,” Olli said. “Maybe give it a few days before we call in reinforcements.” He winked at me.
I doubted it would take a few days for him to realize I needed help. So far, I could handle changing Jackson’s diapers and feeding him. That still wasn’t feeling natural, but Jackson caught on quickly. He made it easy for me. Other than that...I didn’t know what to do. Olli was constantly holding him, staring at him, loving on him.
I only held him when I needed to.
That felt wrong in my mind, but I couldn’t change it. I knew I should want to snuggle with him and memorize every detail of his little face, but my baby didn’t draw me in. So far, each girl in the Pride and even the guys had held Jackson more than I had. Chloe and Colby were baby hogs and I didn’t mind at all. Olli kept checking to see if I wanted him back, but I never did.
If that wasn’t normal, Olli would have caught on. Right?
The longer everyone else acted normal, the crazier I felt. My world was off its axis, but no one seemed to notice.
Did that mean I was the only one that was off or was it everyone else?
I took another bite of food even though my stomach felt like stone.
No. It was me.
I stood and put the leftovers in the fridge. “I’m going to lie down. Do you guys mind?” I massaged my forehead. “I fed him right before we left the hospital so he should be okay for a little bit.”
Chloe was the first to respond. “Don’t worry. We’ve got everything handled.”
I smiled as the girls nodded eagerly. “Thanks.”
Olli helped me up the stairs. Each step up took more effort than it should have and I cringed.
“You okay?”
I forced a smile. “Still sore.”
He slowed down. “I’m so sorry, babe. I wish there was more I could do. It’s not fair you have to recover from surgery and take care of a newborn.”
“You’re helping a lot.” More than he knew. I finally made it to my bed and sighed. Someone had even changed the sheets and closed the blinds.
“I love you.” He kissed me once before removing my shoes and covering me with the blanket. It only took seconds before I fe
lt the world float away.
“Emma.” A whisper pulled at my brain, but it was so nice out here lying in the sun on the warm sand. I ignored the call.
“Emma.” Ugh. The voice sounded closer. “Emma, sweetie.” My body shook and I opened my eyes. Olli was sitting next to me looking guilty. “I’m sorry to wake you, but the little man is hungry.”
I nodded and he returned a moment later with a crying Jackson. I sat up and took him into my arms. I went through the motions of feeding him. It was all I did.
I couldn’t picture a life beyond this stage. Would I ever get my body back? Would I ever feel like myself again?
Once he was full, Olli took and burped him. By now Olli knew how to perfectly swaddle him so Jackson slept soundly for an hour or two. This baby stuff was so foreign to me. How was everyone else catching on so quickly?
“Thank you,” I told Olli.
He smiled. “I’ve got the easy job. Holding a sleeping baby. You’re the one that has to feed him.”
I smiled back but didn’t feel any better. The second I could pump breastmilk, anyone could have the important job of feeding Jackson. I’d be nothing more than a dispenser.
Maybe that would be better. I wouldn’t have to be around Jackson as much and no one would realize how terrible I was. Everyone else could love and take care of him.
Olli stood and kissed me gently. “You can keep resting, babe.” Then he walked out to put Jackson back in his crib.
I appreciated all the time Olli and our friends were giving me to recover, but it just made me feel useless. Like I wasn’t needed to care for Jackson. Anyone could do it. So why bother with me?
I shook the thought. I was his mother. Of course, he needed me.
Did he?
I burrowed my face against my pillow, hiding my face in shame. There was only one person I could ask, but I’d have to wait a few days for Jackson’s checkup. Dr. Hopkins would know whether this was normal or not. I just had to survive until then. I closed my eyes and let that thought carry me away.
6
Olli
I felt horrible leaving Emma at home for practices, but at least the girls took turns staying with her. The Pride had been amazing at coordinating meals and help for Emma. They’d always been like family to us, but this just cemented that notion.
Today was rough. Emma looked like a zombie walking through the house. It was like she was on autopilot. She went through the motions of feeding, changing, and putting Jackson to sleep, but I hadn’t seen her smile in days.
I knew she was still in pain from the C-section and I wished I could stay home with her more. Coach had been gracious about letting me skip a few practices while she was in the hospital, but tonight was the season opener so there was no missing that.
Erik and Reese were skating in circles in front of me. We were warming up for our first game and our attention should be on that, but all I could think about was Emma and my baby.
“Don’t worry, Dad,” Erik told me. “Madeline is with them.”
I peered over to Erik and nodded. The guys had taken to calling me Dad lately and even though there were others on the team with children, I was the first of our group. It felt strange but I didn’t call attention to it. That’s how nicknames stick.
“I know,” I said. “I just wish I could make it easier for Emma. A C-section is major surgery, but somehow she’s expected to go on living and caring for another human while recovering.”
Reese patted my shoulder. “She’s got help, and if you think she needs more just hire someone.”
I nodded. I’d been thinking about it a lot. Maybe someone that could stay through the night so Emma could get more rest. She’d tried pumping a few times and was getting more used to it.
Hopefully within a few days I’d be able to get up for the feedings and let her sleep. Not that I could afford to be sleep deprived. I had to be on my A-game this season. We had back to back championships to defend. We had a huge target on our team, and I couldn’t let exhaustion take over and make mistakes. Not only would it affect the team, but if I didn’t perform well there would be consequences. I’d be replaced by the insufferable nineteen-year-old, Dwayne Smith. I’d just as soon quit than let that happen.
It felt great being back on the ice after so long. The high of facing another opponent pulsed in my veins.
Our game opener should be an easy one. We’re playing the Arizona Rattlers and they didn’t have the best track record. As the guys skated laps around our half of the ice and ran a few drills I went through my motions stretching and cutting into the ice then stretching again.
I scanned where the Pride usually sat, searching for Emma’s face then remembered this was the first home game she would miss in years. I knew she and Jackson were in good hands with Kendall. Emma told me she’d be cheering me on from the couch. I’d have to pretend she was sitting in the third row up behind the penalty box between Chloe and Sasha, Porter Vaugh’s wife, like always.
Part of me was excited to know that Jackson was watching his dad play for the first time, even if it was on a TV screen. Not that he would remember it of course. I didn't think he could even see far enough to watch the TV yet. He probably wasn’t even awake, but it meant something to me to know that he was there for his Dad’s first game.
I watched the Rattlers step onto the ice, running each of their stats through my mind. Pearson was a right-hander. Jacks liked to shoot from far in the corner. Jeffries always liked to wait at the last second to shoot so I had to stay in the deep blue when he had the puck. I went through each player until I felt confident and started stretching again.
Soon the refs called the captains to the center of the ice for the ceremonial puck drop with Salt Lake City‘s mayor. I went through the motions of the national anthem then took my spot back as goalie. I turned off my brains, not letting anything distract me. My focus was only on that puck and making sure it didn’t cross my line. The defense was looking good this season, but I wasn’t going to let us lose our first game.
The moment the clock started, my heart rate picked up. I moved left and right with ease, watching as Samelson broke away from our defense and came at me. I knew his move though. He went for the same strike every single time, top right corner. I caught the puck in my glove with a smile. He passed and gave me a friendly four-letter word before going back to center for the next drop.
The game continued like this, their players trying to trick me but I stayed a step ahead of them. I watched the bench and slapped my stick on the ice. I wanted to get the attention of the rookie, to let him know how good I was. He could watch me until I retired for all I care, and I wasn’t going to let him take my spot.
During the second period, things started heating up. The Rattlers were getting angry and a little impatient with their inability to score so far. Their second line was on the ice, swearing and shoving harder than necessary. The refs weren’t calling anything though. It was frustrating, but if Coach thought it was getting out of hand, he’d call a time out.
A fight broke out on the other end of the ice. I watched and laughed as someone tried to take on Erik.
What an idiot move. Erik was big, angry and didn’t like being challenged. The refs stepped in to help the poor soul, but I knew that that was the wrong move. Erik ended the fight with a solid right-hook, sending his opponent to the ground.
After that, the Rattlers started to play a little bit dirtier than I like but I kept my head up and watched them closely. They started yelling out to each other and I heard someone say, “Get the net,” so I knew they’re coming after me. I made eye contact with Hartman, nodding to let him know I’d heard the enemy and was prepared. The first line guys had possession and took it into the Rattler zone but their biggest one, Rodney, stole the puck and headed my direction at full speed. I watched and waited, getting into position until I realized he had no intention of slowing down. They’re trying to take me out! They knew I wasn’t going to let them score, so they wanted to take me out of
the game and get the rookie in. That wasn’t going to happen.
I stood my ground and braced for impact, hoping the refs would catch this. Just as I predicted. Rodney shot the puck and seemingly forgot to stop, slamming all two hundred and ninety pounds of force into me. I was ready though and let myself fall, hoping to turn on him and have him take the brunt of it.
As soon as I was down, I knew something was wrong. An explosion of pain came from my knee and an unnatural sound sent chills down my spine. I didn’t move as Ronnie got up off me. He glared down with a sneer and skated away. Seconds passed before my teammates surrounded me.
“You okay?” Hartman asked.
I didn’t move a muscle. I didn’t want to make anything worse. I took a slow deep breath, “No man. Get Coach.”
Noah took off first heading for the bench and yelling for Coach Romney and Rust to get out on the ice. Our trainer, Nathan, came onto the ice with them.
I thought of Emma at home and panicked. I didn’t want to scare her. I needed to get up and make it seem like it wasn’t as bad as it was. I tried to move but Erik and Hartman held me down.
“Don’t make it worse,” Erik said calmly. “Just wait for Nathan.” Soon the other guys made room for coach to get through.
Coach Romney was on his knee next to me while Nathan and Coach Rust stood behind him. “What’s going on, Letang?” Coach asked. “Tell me what happened.”
I pointed to my knee. “Coach, I don’t think I can move it.”
He swore under his breath as Nathan replaced him next to me.
“It’s my left,” I said.
Nathan nodded. “Okay, we’re going to move you. Can you sit up?”
I closed my eyes and swore as Hartman and Erik pulled me into a sitting position.
“We’re going to get you up and take you off the ice. Try not to let the injury show.” Coach patted my shoulder.
I nodded. I knew what to do. Erik and Hartman lifted me, carrying the majority of my weight so I wouldn’t have to put any pressure on my knee. They looked around making sure that no one else could tell what was wrong. It was imperative in our profession not to let the other teams know our weaknesses. We couldn’t let them know where my injury was. We would put a statement out I had a lower body injury but letting the league and all its players know exactly what happened would make that body part an easy target in the future. I didn’t want people going after my knee when I came back for the next game.
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