I peered down at my baby, sleeping in her arms. “He just left. He walked right out without a thought about Jackson.”
Chloe shook her head. “You’re right. He did. You can’t. Not just because you’re his mother, but because you’re his mother. You would never leave Jackson. I know things have been hard on you and this has been a huge adjustment, but you’ve made it through. I don’t think there’s anything you can’t do, Emma.”
I closed my eyes. “I can’t do this.”
Her arm moved up to my shoulders and she pulled me toward her. “Of course, you can.”
I shook my head. “No, Chloe. I can’t do this.” I pulled away and lifted my eyes to hers. “I don’t think I’m cut out for this.”
“No one is cut out for doing this alone, but you’re not alone. You have all of us.”
She didn’t get it. I knew I needed to say it clearer, but I couldn't. I couldn’t say those words out loud.
“Okay.”
She stared at me. Like she was searching my soul. After a moment she nodded. “You go shower and change. I’m going to put Jackson in his crib and make some calls.”
I didn’t bother asking her who she was calling. Between her job, the fundraisers she orchestrated, and managing Reese she was seldom not on or near her phone. I stood and dragged myself back to my room. I wanted to plop down on my bed and forget the world existed, but I knew that would only last for a few minutes before Chloe came looking for me. I walked into my bathroom and started the shower.
I turned and peeked in the mirror at the stranger facing me.
Her skin was dull and dark purple surrounded her eyes.
I took off my shirt and frowned.
She was too thin, except around her waist. The baby weight had melted off on its own, except the sagging skin on her tummy.
Postpartum had been hard on her.
I reached up and pulled my hair down from the bun it had been in for the past…three days. Wow. I’d forgotten to shower for that long?
What happened to me?
Where had the sunny, happy woman that loved life gone?
Where was the woman full of energy and passion?
Who was this shell?
I barely recognized myself. I knew I should be more concerned than I was, but I couldn’t muster the energy to care.
No one said anything to me.
Olli hadn’t mentioned how horrible I looked. He didn’t notice how tired I was, how little I held Jackson, how I flinched when he cried.
If my own husband didn’t notice, then was it real?
Maybe what I was seeing and feeling was a delusion? Maybe it was all just worse in my head.
“Emma, you okay?” Chloe’s voice pulled my attention to the present.
“I’m fine.” I removed the rest of my clothes and stepped into the warm water. I went through the motions before stepping out with my towel wrapped around me.
The door swung open and Chloe walked in carrying a pile of clothes.
“Um, what if I was naked?” I pulled the towel tighter; no chance was I going to let anyone see this body. Not until I had time to get back to normal.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” She smiled and set the clothes on the counter.
She had no idea, but I wasn’t about to challenge her.
I picked up the clothes and smiled. “Guess we’re not going anywhere today?” My favorite pair of yoga pants and a loose, long sleeve shirt were just what I was craving.
“Nope, we’re having a lazy day and the rest of the girls will come over when they can.”
I met her eyes through the mirror. “Thank you.”
She nodded once. “I don’t know how many more times I have to say this before it sticks, but I’m here for you. We’re all here for you.”
I glanced down and brushed my fingertips against the soft fabric. “I know.”
“You’d better. Now change and meet me downstairs.”
I followed her instructions, actually taking the time to brush my hair and apply moisturizer. Who knew that one day those simple things would feel like luxuries?
By the time I got downstairs, Kendall and Colby were in the kitchen with Chloe laying out more food than the four of us could possibly eat. Bagels, fruit, juice, and bacon. I smiled at the smell.
Huh, first genuine smile in days and it was because of bacon. I needed help. Obviously.
Kendall walked up to me and gave me a brief hug. “I’m sorry I called the guys.”
I shook my head. “You did the right thing.” I sighed. “He needed help.”
It was harder to say those words than I thought. I knew it was what I was should say. I knew it was what they wanted to hear, but it stung. It was painful to admit that Olli wasn’t himself. That there were problems I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t reach him. I wasn’t enough for him to change or get help. Jackson wasn’t.
It took a complete breakdown and two of his teammates for him to concede.
How was I supposed to feel about that?
Proud that he was getting help?
Happy?
Relieved?
Because I felt abandoned, betrayed, and disappointed.
Not to mention guilt. More guilt every single day. I sucked in a breath and forced a smile. “That bacon smells amazing.”
Colby brushed back her honey colored hair with her arm before flipping the bacon in the pan. “Chloe said to grab some healthy things but come on. When doesn’t bacon make things better?”
I smirked. “You sound like Noah.”
Kendall winked at me.
Colby just blushed. “Stop guys.”
“Stop what? We haven’t done anything.” Kendall walked behind Colby and mouthed, “Noah bought a ring.”
I fought my initial instinct to freak out or scream or clap. I just smiled and stared down at Colby. “Things are getting serious though, right?”
I felt terrible that I hadn’t checked in with her since Mexico. They could be married for all I knew. I hadn’t been paying attention to anything outside my own little bubble.
One more thing to feel guilty about.
Colby’s blush deepened. “I guess so.”
Chloe, Kendall and I shared a look.
“Have you had the talk?” Chloe asked. Of course, she was the first to push the personal boundaries.
Colby scanned the room at each of us with a confused expression. “The talk? Like the relationship talk? Of course.”
Chloe tilted her head. “Oh sweetie. We all know about that. I mean, the talk.”
Colby glanced at me, and I pointed to my ring finger. Her mouth formed a perfect O.
I studied her face for any hints, but she was good. She didn’t reveal anything, just shrugged.
“Tell us!” Kendall jumped up and sat on the counter next to where Colby stood. “Come on. Distract us.”
I nodded. “Please.” I dragged out the word and looked extra sad.
I guess that was a low blow. I shouldn’t have used my situation to manipulate her, but if it worked, I wouldn’t feel too bad.
“Okay fine.” Colby gazed up to the ceiling. “We’ve talked about marriage.”
Chloe cheered. “Tell us everything.”
“We’re not engaged or anything.” Colby sighed. “We just talked about the future.”
Kendall leaned forward, resting her chin on Colby’s shoulder. “Tell us more.”
“We talked about where we want to be in a few years. Him with hockey and me with my own business. He asked me if I would be willing to move if he ever got traded.”
“And what did you say?” I asked a little more eagerly than I should have.
She bit her bottom lip. “I said yes.”
We all squealed but Chloe waved us down. “What else?”
“We both want three or four kids, and...” She paused for what I was sure was dramatic effect. “We agreed that when the time is right, like maybe after this season, we want to get married.”
That was it. I rushed
to her and threw my arms over Kendall’s and Chloe joined behind me. We jumped in a circle, laughing and cheering.
Finally, Colby pushed us back. “Don’t say anything yet. It was just hypothetical. Nothing’s happening for a while.”
I doubted that.
If I knew the guys at all, they were all conspiring together to plan the perfect proposal for Noah. I doubted Noah would wait until the end of the season. He was way too eager and excited.
I gave him a month at most, especially if he already had the ring. That thing would burn a hole in his pocket before Halloween.
“I’m really happy for you, Colby,” I said. “Noah’s so great and you’re perfect together.”
She beamed. “Thank you.”
I smiled before turning and making a plate of food. People always said Olli and I were perfect together. Are perfect together. We weren’t over. Not yet. Olli might have walked out without a second thought, but I couldn’t. I would fight for us. I hoped he would too. We’ll see, I guess.
“We’re all happy for you,” Chloe told Colby. “And just give me the word so I can start planning.” She smiled and picked up a piece of bacon. “Get your food, and then we’re having a marathon.”
I burrowed into the couch and sat my plate next to me. “What kind of marathon?”
“Your very favorite.”
I narrowed my eyes and gawked at Kendall and Colby before returning my gaze to Chloe. “No,” I said in disbelief.
She smiled and nodded slowly. “Oh yes.”
Once everyone was seated, Chloe picked up the remote and soon the music started, and our Harry Potter marathon began. There was nothing that a dose of my favorite wizard couldn’t fix. I sat back, munched on my bagel and lost myself in the wizarding world.
After the second movie, the doorbell rang, and I heard the front door open.
“I brought snacks.” Lucy walked in with two grocery bags in her hands. I looked around and realized that someone had cleared out our breakfast plates and put the food away that had been on the counter. Huh. When did that happen?
Lucy dropped the bags on the coffee table and took out a bag of chocolate, licorice, chocolate chip cookies, popcorn, and chips.
“You’re amazing.” I gushed as I reached for the chips.
Before I could get the first deliciously salty chip to my lips, Jackson started crying over the baby monitor.
I sat the bag down and started to stand. Lucy put her hand on my shoulders. Her sly blues eyes bore into mine gently. “Nope, my turn. I haven’t seen my boy all week.”
“Thanks.” I didn’t bother arguing with her. The girls seemed to genuinely love taking care of him. I was lucky to be the first one with a baby. It was new and exciting for everyone. In a few years, when they had kids of their own, I doubted they would be as eager to help.
By the time Lucy was back, carrying Jackson, the Knight Bus was taking me back to my happy place.
There were bottles in the fridge and the girls knew his routine, probably better than me.
We snacked and watched another movie when another knock came. I waited for the door to open, since most of our friends just walked in, but it didn’t.
I started to stand but Chloe was already to the door. She opened it and immediately stepped out. I hurried forward until I saw who was there, hugging her. I thought I’d ran out of tears, but they poured from my eyes once again.
“Mom?” I whispered through the deluge.
She stepped back from Chloe and looked me over. “Oh honey.” She closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around me. “Oh baby. I should have come sooner.”
She held me, and I soaked her in. Her faint vanilla scent. Her warmth. When she released me, I held her hands. “How are you here? I thought you weren’t coming for a few more weeks.”
She glanced at Chloe who just shrugged. “I got a call that my baby girl needed me.”
I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and nodded. “I do.”
“I’m here now. I’ll take care of things.”
I nodded again. I knew she would. This was the first time in my life I’d needed to rely on others. It wasn’t easy, but I’d had to forfeit control.
“Now, where’s my baby boy?” she said.
Lucy appeared behind me and made a big show of passing Jackson to my Mom. “Here’s Grandma, Jackson.”
Seeing my mom hold my baby took a boulder off my shoulders. Things clicked. This was just what I needed.
I hooked my arm though Chloe’s and rested my head on her shoulder. “Thank you.”
She kissed my forehead. “Anytime, babe.”
14
Olli
I opened my eyes to see Grant glaring down at me. His curly hair falling in front of his eyes.
“Ugh. What do you want?” I threw my arm over my eyes and tried to go back to sleep.
The bed shook. “Get up, man. I told you I’d only let you stay here if you worked on getting better.”
“I am.”
“How?” I liked him better when we were on vacation. In Mexico he was the laid back one. What happened to that version?
“I haven’t thrown or broken anything in three days.”
“Yeah, and you’ve been here for four. You owe me for that senior CLASS trophy.”
“I’ll have my people pay your people.” I rolled over, hoping he’d get the hint.
“No way, Olli.” The bed shook again. “Get you lazy butt out of bed, man. You have physical therapy and an appointment with the team shrink. Coach told me if you missed one more day, he’d trade you to the lowest bidder.”
I scoffed. “Go for it.”
The thin blanket covering me was ripped away. I shot up. “What’s your problem?”
He glared at me with more intensity than before. “You are. I’m doing you a favor by letting you stay here. I know I’m the only one that would let you in. But just because I’m letting you sleep in my guest room doesn’t mean I’m going to tolerate you being an idiot. You’re on thin ice, man. We’re all rooting for you to get better but there’s nothing we can do to make it happen. Only you can.”
“Cute speech. Have you been practicing?”
His fists clenched and I almost smiled. He might be a few inches taller than me, but his curls and dimples made me think of a little boy. Not so intimidating. What was he going to do? Hit me? I’d like to see him try to fight me.
Grant folded his beefy arms across his chest. “Go to the appointments today, Letang, or you’re out.”
He finally walked out of the room and I fell back against the strange bed. I knew I was being a jerk. I knew I was driving everyone crazy. I was making them miserable. Like me.
I didn’t want to bring them down to my level, but I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind. All I wanted was to be left alone. I wanted to stay in bed and let the world go on without me. It was better off that way. All I’d done for weeks was cause stress and pain.
The team was doing well. The kid was handled himself better than I expected. They didn’t need me.
I hadn’t been around to help Emma with Jackson. He was already seven weeks old and I’d missed so much by being in my darkness. Emma was doing it well on her own with the help of the Pride. Those girls were the ones she needed. Not me. I made her cry. I left her alone. I failed her.
I deserved the pain and darkness. I welcomed it.
Why couldn’t the guys let me sink away? Why couldn’t they leave me alone? I deserved it all.
I pushed them away and they came back with twice as much force. I just wanted it to stop.
How was I supposed to get through this? How was I going to take a year off and get back into shape for next season? How was I going to overcome my anger?
I stared up at the white ceiling as if answers would appear.
It felt impossible.
I picked my phone up from the nightstand and frowned at the screen. No missed notifications. No texts or calls.
Emma hadn’t spoken to
me in four days. It was the longest we’d gone since we met. When I was on the road, she called me every night to talk. She sent me messages throughout the day. She said she wanted to always feel like we were living our lives together, even when we were apart.
I probably should have told her something cheesy about how we’ll always be under the same stars or moon, but I’d just told her that thanks to the gift of modern technology we were one call or text away from each other, no matter where we were.
I probably should have specified that included when we were emotionally distant. Physical distance was something we overcame early and adjusted to. This was all new ground for me. I didn’t know if I should reach out. Would it make her upset? Was she waiting for me to call?
It felt like every passing second that I didn’t reach out the hole I was in got a foot deeper, expanding the distance. I was too far in now to reach the edge and pull myself out. I needed a rope or a rescue team.
I needed her to tell me it was okay to try. I needed her to make the first move.
I was a coward, I knew, but that’s what was so amazing about Emma. She always sensed when I needed her. When I needed her to be the brave one and make the first move. So why wasn’t she now?
Maybe she’d had enough. This life was tough. I was away a lot. My schedule was hectic. She had every reason and every right to want an escape. To claim a piece of normal.
The urge to throw my phone into the wall boiled in me. It was almost enough to follow through, but I promised Grant no more property damage.
I didn't want to admit it and I would never, ever say it to his face, but he was right. I needed to go to my appointments today. I knew Coach’s threats were empty, but it was time for me to make an effort again. I knew Madeline would be reporting back to Emma about my progress. I didn’t want to disappoint her anymore. At least, not in this respect. It was probably the only thing in my life I could control.
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