by Karen Deen
All our intentions for sleep are gone, and I don’t care one bit.
I’m ready to take on tomorrow no matter what happens.
I’m stronger than I think.
Just like Anna told me.
Remembering back to last night and the hours I spent with Lex, being worshipped, I’m trying to keep myself distracted from where we’re driving to.
We talked, touched each other, made love, played a little too much, but one of the parts I loved was the easy conversations in between. About what I had tried, what I liked and didn’t like. How Lex’s sex life had previously been. I’ve never had a person to talk such intimate subjects with. We talked about my sex life and the hard parts I couldn’t tell him before. Edward had only forced me a few times, and I know once is more than enough, but I had it much easier than others have in their life. Lex was compassionate and tried to hide his anger. But also kept saying how he knows I’m hurting but he loves that I’m not married. The strange thing is, that after I got over the initial shock, I’m happy about it too. After we get through this morning and the custody of the kids is approved by the courts, then Edward has no hold over me.
“How you holding up?” Lex’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
“Better than I expected. I mean, that will probably change when I see him. But right now, I’m coping. How do you feel, are you worried?”
“Not one little bit. Nothing he can do will hurt me. Even if he submits a complaint, I don’t care. I’ve got the one thing he can’t have in life, and that’s you. Nothing else matters.”
“I’m not a pawn in a game, you know.” I feel a little put out by his comment.
“Shit, Mia. I didn’t mean it that way. I would never treat you like that.” The worried look on his face reminds me that he wouldn’t.
“Sorry, Lex, that wasn’t fair. Maybe deep down I’m not as calm as I’m trying to convince myself.” He reaches over from the driver’s seat, taking my hand and squeezing it tight.
“Lean on me, baby. I’ve got you. Nothing that happens today can change the fact that you and the kids are safe and have an amazing new life. No matter what, you will always have me.”
Taking my hand up to his lips, he kisses it, and I feel the same little tingle I always get. The one that keeps me coming back for more.
“Remember that offer when I’m the crazy woman standing in the courtroom shortly, who can’t breathe and is freaking out like an idiot.” Saying I’m fine really wasn’t quite true. Deep down, the fear of a man I lived with for five years is simmering and ready to boil up and over.
“I’ll be the man next to you, holding you, counting with you, and making you laugh when you need it. Because it’s been proven I have the best dad jokes around. Do you want me to show you again, or better still I can call Tate and we can have a joke-off contest, and you can judge it?”
“Oh my god, did you just say you and Tate can have a jerk-off contest? Lex, what the hell?” I start giggling and can’t stop.
He shakes his head at me. “Far from it. I can tell you now, the only person who will be jerking me off will be you, Mia. Plus, that’s just weird to be jerking off with Tate. He might be a jerk at times, but that’s as far as it goes.”
I’m laughing so hard now I’m almost peeing my pants. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” I’m trying to get out in between my fits of laughter.
“I might be ridiculous, but you love it, and I’ve just proven my point that I have great jokes.” He looks very proud of himself.
“Lex, you weren’t even trying to say a joke, it was just the words you used, so that doesn’t even count. No points for that one.” It’s then I hear the GPS say the words that make my laughter stop and my heart start to race a little faster: ‘You have reached your destination.’ Looking out the window, I see the courthouse that I’ve seen before on the television news broadcasts, and now I’m about to enter it to help secure my safety.
“I can do this,” I say out loud, trying to convince myself.
“Yes, you can, Mia. But I also want you to remember that if you can’t, that’s okay too.” Our voices have changed from fun-loving to quiet and solemn.
“Okay, let’s get this over and done with.” I don’t want to sit here and just stare at the building. I need to stand strong and march in there with my head held high.
“That’s my girl.” Lex exits the car and comes around to my door. Opens it and waits for me. Not rushing me, not saying a word. He lets me do this in my timeframe. Taking a big deep breath, I undo my seat belt, turn to him, and give him my hand to help me out.
“One more step to happiness for my kids.” We start walking towards the courtroom, hand in hand.
“And your happiness, Mia, which is just as important.”
“Mhmm,” is all I say as he opens the door for me.
Watching Lex in work mode always shows him in a totally different light. From the moment we step through the door, he drops my hand and takes control. The voice he uses to speak to the court attendants is a firm one with direction. He is running the show now, and I just need to sit back and let him. It feels so good to have someone in my corner.
“Just take a seat here with Ashton, I’ll be back in a minute.” Lex talks to one of the desk clerks, hands him over an envelope, and then signs off on something. They’re talking intently as the clerk goes through whatever was in the envelope.
I’m concentrating on Lex when I hear the noise of high heels marching down the marble floor of the courthouse corridor. I’m not paying too much attention to the noise, but it’s something that stops Lex in his tracks, and he turns to give whoever it is his full attention. The look on his face is strained and it worries me, trying to work out what’s going on.
Then the footsteps stop right next to me.
Turning, I see the stone-cold bitch-face of Jacinta.
“Mia Kennedy, I’m Jacinta Nordick, your legal counsel for today.” She throws her hand out at me as Lex arrives by my side.
“Mia, this is Jacinta. I thought with the events of yesterday between me and Edward, it’s best I don’t represent you as your lawyer but just stand beside you as your boyfriend. I contacted Jacinta last night and asked her to attend on my behalf, and she graciously agreed. I don’t trust anyone in the courtroom more than I trust Jacinta.” He doesn’t need to be a mind reader to know I’m pissed off. Why didn’t he tell me? He had plenty of time last night or this morning. I know he thinks he’s doing the right thing, but I hate these surprises all the time. Fuck. And why her? This woman hates me. I took the man she thought she was about to marry from her. She’s not going to care about me or my case. For all I know, she’ll happily throw me under a bus when we get in there.
I need to just get through this. Remember you are stronger than you think.
Standing and taking her hand, I put on my armor that I had started packing away, and get on with it.
“Thank you for your help, Ms. Nordick. I didn’t know Lex had asked you, but I appreciate you coming at such short notice.” Lex flinches at my words; he knows he’s done the wrong thing.
“He’s lucky that I didn’t have court today, but the early start wasn’t much fun.” Taking her hand back.
“I’m sure. Thank you again.”
“Mia, can I talk to you for a minute?” Lex asks from beside me.
“No, we don’t have time. I’m sure Ms. Nordick needs to talk to me or you about what’s going on today.” I need to maintain this anger to get through the next hour in the courtroom.
“She’s right, have you secured a meeting room?” Jacinta is very direct in her tone. Her coming here for this would have been a big ask, and I’m not prepared to upset her.
“Yes, but we only have ten minutes before we’ll be called,” Lex says, rubbing his chin. That’s when I know he’s worried about me. It’s his nervous tell sign.
“Then let’s move,” she says, already walking away. He reaches over to take my hand, but I don’t think now is the time.
With Jacinta here, and Edward could walk in at any moment.
Getting the message, he points in the direction of the room we’re in and we follow him, with Ashton quietly in the background, but always close by. I feel totally safe, but between my anger at Lex and the anxiety of Edward, I feel like I could just walk back out the front door and keep going.
I’m tired.
You can only live on your adrenaline stores for so long. I have a feeling mine are getting close to running out.
I’m sick of a life full of drama.
I just want this over.
Watching Lex and Jacinta work and her asking me a few questions, I understand why he called her. She’s good at her job. In fact, to me she looks like she thrives on it.
There’s a knock at the door, and I shiver as they tell us it’s time.
“Lex, you shut your mouth in there. Do not engage with Edward one bit, not a word, not a look. Nothing, do you hear me?” Jacinta is treating him like a child, but I wonder if this is his punishment for leaving her, or her disappointment in him as a lawyer, that he stepped over the boundary with Edward. And me, for that matter. I’ll never know, but I can tell she’s using this time to make him feel as small as possible, and I could never have seen him being happy with her. She would never have met the real Lex like I have. He wouldn’t have been given the space to grow or just be himself.
I might be angry at him, but I’m still so grateful I have him in my life. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be doing this today, and I never would have found out about the fake marriage. Jacinta may see him as a weak man, but she has him all wrong.
So totally and utterly wrong.
He has so much strength that he openly shares with me every day.
Jacinta marches down the corridor like she owns the place and opens the courtroom door like she’s been in here a million times before. Following her in with Lex to my side, I stop in my tracks two steps into the room. My hand grabs Lex’s and squeezes it so hard like I’m about to break his bones. My breathing speeds up and things are getting blurry. The only thing I can see is Edward sitting on one side of the room with his head down and looking a mess.
“Breathe, baby, I’ve got you. Ten, nine, eight, breathe…” I hear whispering in my ear. “That’s it, nice and slow, let it out. Seven, six, five, and breathe.” The room is coming back to me. “Lean on me. Four, three, breathe.” I can feel my body slowing slightly. “You’re doing great. You are strong. Two, one, big deep breath… Now let it out slowly.” I didn’t notice that he was rubbing his thumb back and forth over my hand making sure I knew he was there, but as I come back to him, I can feel his never-ending calmness.
Looking up into his eyes, my anger is gone, seeing only his pure heart shining through as he protects me from myself before anything else.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“One foot in front of the other,” he whispers back but waits for me to take that step. He never pushes me and always makes me take the leap.
As I start to walk again, I know I should let go of his hand, but I can’t. He is my strength and I need him.
I don’t look sideways at Edward, just sit straight down on the seat next to Lex. My body is shaking slightly, and I know that won’t go until I leave this room.
“Do I need to start with the dad jokes?” I hear his whisper next to me.
Oh, Lex, I adore you. No one else would say something like that to me and know that it’s the perfect thing to pull me out of my head.
“I promise it won’t be one about jerking, though.” I can’t help it, even though it’s not the time. I let a little grin creep on to my face and look up at him from where I was staring into his lap.
“All rise,” the bailiff calls as the judge walks in. Any smile I had is gone. The tight chest is back, and in my head, I’m chanting the words.
‘Do it for the kids, be strong for the kids.’
Standing and moving to the desk with Jacinta feels like I walked a mile, but in fact it was three steps. I didn’t realize how much I would miss the touch of Lex beside me, though.
But it makes me understand as much as I need him, I actually need to do this on my own. To prove to myself I can be the woman I want to be, I must stand strong and fight for the life I want.
It’s fucking hard, but I’m doing it, and no one including Edward can stop me now.
“Counsel, please approach the bench.” The judge’s voice startles me.
Shit, what does that mean?
Is there a problem?
Fuck, has he made a complaint?
I didn’t even know he had a lawyer here.
Don’t panic, don’t panic. It will be okay. Lex promised me it would be okay.
Turning and looking at him, he just mouths the words to me that I love to hear.
“I’ve got you. It’s okay.” Yet his eyes aren’t as confident as I would like them to be right now.
My foot is bouncing under the table, and I can’t help myself. For the first time, I look across at Edward.
He looks up, maybe sensing my gaze.
His nose is swollen and his eyes are sunken. A shell of the man I thought I fell in love with all those years ago. He has aged so much, and the alcohol and his lifestyle are slowly killing him. All the bravery in him has left, and he looks like a scared little boy sitting there. It makes me wonder why I ever felt so frightened, but I already know the answer to that. He had me trapped in a situation I had no way of getting out of, and above all, I would never do anything to put my kids in danger. His pull over me was more a psychological one than the physical one.
Jacinta’s shoes walking back towards me have me quickly turning to her.
As she sits down next to me with her straight face and tense body language, I can’t read her because to me she always looks the same.
“Mia, Edward’s lawyer has put forward that her client has agreed to comply with the restraining order and the claims you have made. He has advised that he has signed the documents for you to have sole custody of the children that Alexander has filed with the courts this morning. His only request is that you and Alexander also stay away from him. He wishes to have nothing to do with you either. Do you agree to these conditions?”
Agree, what the hell would I disagree with? But I’m not letting him get off that easy.
“Yes, I agree, of course, but I have one more condition and I’m not sure you can say this in front of the judge or just his lawyer. But he has to agree to never say anything about the meeting he and Lex had with each other. I don’t want him to hurt Lex in any way. If he agrees to that, I’ll happily walk out of his life for eternity. If he doesn’t, then I will report him for fraud on the illegal marriage stunt he pulled.” Once the last word is out of my mouth, I see Jacinta looking at me slightly differently. I don’t know what I’ve said or done, but whatever it was, I think she liked it.
“Give me a moment and I’ll have this finished and ready to sign off on.” Leaving me sitting here alone, she talks to Edward and his lawyer. He nods in agreement, then both the lawyers approach the judge at the bench again to discuss something, and then she returns to sit with me.
The few moments of silence are almost killing me and then the judge finally starts speaking.
“I have awarded the restraining order against Edward Walker to not be within fifty miles of Mia Kennedy, Jack Walker, and Kayla Walker. All custody of the children, Jack Walker and Kayla Walker, is temporarily awarded to Mia Kennedy until the full orders for custody are heard by the court. This matter is now closed. Thank you, counsel. Ms. Kennedy and Mr. Walker, you are free to go.” She bangs her gavel on the desk and my heart starts racing in excitement this time.
“Next case,” the judge calls, and Jacinta looks at me.
“Time to move, we’ll talk outside.” Whatever that look was before is gone and she’s back talking to me like a child.
To be honest, I don’t give a shit.
Standing and following her, I just want to jump into
Lex’s arms, but I know I can’t. He’s smiling at me like I’ve won the lottery, but I can see he’s physically restraining himself too. We don’t need to talk or touch. We’re both saying it all with our eyes.
I’m free to be me, and I made sure he is too.
For the first time in my life, I got to make my own choice.
I took control.
As I’m about to step away from the courtroom doors to follow Jacinta down the corridor, I stop to take one last look at Edward.
We both share a moment.
For me it’s one of letting go of my past.
For him I hope it’s one of realizing what he lost and the changes he needs to make.
I can’t help but give him a small smile of thanks, which will seem strange to the outside world. But I have two amazing, beautiful children that are a gift he gave me. He may not have wanted them, but I did, and will cherish them until the day I die.
Even in the darkest times, there are bright twinkling stars.
Chapter Twenty-Five
LEX
I hate being here in the public seats and not knowing what’s being said. It’s taking every part of my patience to stay seated and not interfere. But I made that choice yesterday when I punched Edward and placed my hand around his throat. I’m not proud of myself, but I will stand up for Mia again in a heartbeat if she needs me to.
While Mia sobbed in the shower last night, I knew I had no choice but to call Jacinta. I was surprised she even answered my call. But I couldn’t risk not having someone here to represent Mia if Edward filed any complaint against me. We needed this restraining order in place and the temporary custody orders while we wait for the permanent ones to be completed. I couldn’t have my actions risk her safety.
Jacinta gave me a tongue lashing about how stupid I was and how I’ve put my law career and any future political career in jeopardy. I took it all. I could have argued she’s talking about a political career I never wanted or intended to pursue. But I needed her here, so I shut my mouth and agreed. Seeing my father in me, for the first time in my life. The way he just says nothing and lets my mother go with her rants, I get it now, I really do. I may have been a little harsh on him in some parts of my feelings, but I still won’t forgive him for not caring enough to stand up for me. No matter what, he should have stood up and protected me from her. Or at least shown me that he loved me.
