by Varsha Dixit
Meher reached out and hugged Gina.
Gina hid her face and started crying. Her sobs shook her body. “Mahi, I had no idea. . .no idea how much I wanted the baby until it was gone.” Gina’s voice broke. “I killed my baby!”
Doyal and Kyra embraced Gina as she rocked on the sofa, lost to her misery and her past. A dam of emotions had broken, and Gina could not hold it in. She fumbled over her words but kept talking. “I had no idea of what to do. I was so lost in my fear—fear of my family, my future—that I barely ate or rested. It was hard; I was throwing up all the time and the stress of everything was too much for the little one. It did not survive its mom’s madness or its father’s hate and simply gave up the fight. So did I. After I lost my baby, I realized I had nothing else to lose.” Drained, Gina fell back in the chair, her face splotchy and red in places, her shoulders slumped.
Meher looked around and saw the mini fridge in the office. She went and got Gina a cold bottle of water.
She uncapped it and held it to Gina’s mouth. Doyal took Meher’s spot and held Gina from one side. Kyra, gently, wiped Gina’s face when she was done drinking the water.
“You guys!” Gina took in a few deep breaths as she sought self-control. She gave the Wallflowers a watery smile. None of them had a dry eye.
“What happened after you. . .you lost. . .the baby?” Meher felt tears prick her eyes.
Gina drank some more water. “My mother was the only one who knew about the miscarriage. She arranged for me to move to Singapore to a distant relative of ours. My family needed healing because of what I had put them through. I was no good to anyone. Not to you, not to them, not to anyone!” Gina finished, her breathing fractured.
“Oh god Ginny, why didn’t you tell us?” Kyra wrapped her arms tightly around Gina.
Gina fell slack in Kyra’s arms as she fought for composure. She felt raw, exposed like she was naked in front of them, but somehow her soul felt lighter. As if a tiny streak of light had entered a cave that had been obsidian and quiet for centuries!
“Gins, why didn’t you tell any of us? Gosh, sweetie, we would have taken care of you and your baby. You would never have been alone. Never!” Meher stroked Gina’s back.
Kyra glanced at Doyal. Doyal was sitting on the floor in front of Gina, her expression dazed.
Straightening, Gina rubbed her eyes. “I was so young and so unprepared for something like that.” Gina looked at Doyal sitting at her feet. “You warned me, remember Doy?”
Doyal shook her head, her eyes blank.
Gina leaned forward. “When we were in college and one night when Mahi and Ky had gone out, you had said that you worry for me. You worried that ‘my innocent, impulsive, and darn optimistic nature’ as you called it would get me into trouble. You were right, Wallflower number 3. It did.”
Doyal dropped her eyes. The deep pain and guilt Gina saw in Doyal’s eyes caused her to reach out to her friend. “Doy!”
Doyal rose to her feet, pivoted sharply, and left the room.
“What the hell is wrong with her?” Meher said, watching Doyal exit the room.
“Let her go! No one cared for the Wallflowers as Doy did. She is hurting a lot, right now. She won’t show her distress to us. Let her go!” Gina said.
Doyal walked out of the room. She needed to be alone right now. It was either that or she would completely lose her shit. It felt like someone had shredded her soul. She wanted to empty a gun into Ojas’s chest and shake Gina’s mother. Doyal wanted to scream. She became aware of someone standing on the side, just outside the office.
It was Ojas. Gone was the mask of politeness and civility. His face was white. His jaw was clenched and his neck was corded; his body appeared nailed to the wall. Tears ran down his face, his mouth twisted as if he was in agony. He had obviously overheard every word Gina had said.
Doyal felt her body swell with rage and her angry eyes locked on Ojas. Doyal’s lips pulled back and she snarled. “You fucking bastard. There is a special place reserved in hell for likes of you.” Turning around, Doyal walked out of the house and ordered herself a cab.
Chapter 8
Later that evening
Meher’s Apartment
“Yes, Aunty! Yes, yes, I understand. No, I will not raise my voice at him again.” Gina looked as solemn as she sounded. “I’m sorry if I hurt you both. Yes, thank you for your help.” Gina ended the call and sat back on the bed. She glanced out of the window as the sun was setting on a typical Pune evening. There was a cacophony of traffic on the street below Meher’s apartment. An odd bird flew across the sky that was darkening as the sun had set.
In the last few years, evenings would be depressing to Gina. Alone in a foreign country with no friends and no family, an evening was like a signal for Gina. A signal that work was about to end and Gina would have to go back to what was painfully familiar—loneliness.
Today, amongst her Wallflowers, she felt that accustomed pang once again as she stared out of the window. After she had revealed the most painful part of her past to her friends, she felt like a weight had slipped off her chest. But memories brought pain, pain that lingered. Should I tell Ojas the truth too? Gina blinked at the thought. Where did that come from? She slid off the bed.
Gina, Kyra and Meher had left Ojas’s farmhouse soon after Doyal’s abrupt departure. Ojas had been MIA. Gina had not seen him after he had escorted Ritesh out. Gina had asked Vinay about Ojas. Vinay had said that Ojas was working and did not wish to be disturbed.
Ritesh had checked into a lodge near the airport and was not talking to Gina.
But now he will, as I have convinced his mother.
Gina walked into the living room where Kyra was sitting, working on her next story. Meher had gone to the hospital and Doyal had taken a room in the nearest five-star hotel. She needed privacy for her work too.
Kyra looked up from her laptop. “All good?”
“All good. Ritesh’s mom understood. She will talk to Ritesh and then I will talk to him.” Gina sat down next to Kyra.
“Shall we order some tea?” Kyra asked, closing her laptop.
“Yes please!” Gina said. “Am I disturbing you?”
“Don’t be silly!” Kyra called out to the maid and requested two teas. “How are you feeling?”
“I should probably say that I have been better, but that would be wrong. I have been worse. So frankly speaking, having shared my pain with you all, I’m actually feeling better.”
“You are my rock star!” Kyra squeezed Gina’s hand. “Did you talk to someone? A therapist maybe?” she asked, her expression tentative.
“I did. For years!” Gina held up her wrist to show her multiple bracelets. “These aren’t just bracelets; these are to help me with my anxiety. I also have a running prescription for anti-depressants for the days I’m feeling terribly anxious.”
“Do you have to take the medicines often?”
“I haven’t taken them in the last two years and then I came here.” Gina said, her expression sheepish.
“You are almost at the finish line.” Kyra reminded. The two friends grew quiet and then Kyra asked. “Gins, why did you not take any money from Ojas? He owes you a lot.”
Gina gave a mock shudder. “Did not feel right! I don’t want his money. I just want him out of my life, forget this whole episode like it never happened.”
Kyra nodded. “I did not see him when we left his farmhouse. Did you?”
“No,” Gina began to chew her lower lip. “I asked his PA where Ojas was, but he said that Ojas was working and did not want to be disturbed.” Was today morning the last time I will ever see Ojas? A hollow feeling made house in Gina’s stomach.
Kyra nudged Gina. “Why the look? What are you thinking?”
Gina shrugged. “Nothing! Nothing important.”
“Can I ask you something? Please don’t get mad?”
Gina gave Kyra a knowing look, “Is it about Ritesh?”
Kyra grinned. “You know me so well.
Why are you marrying Ritesh? He is not the kind of man the Gina I knew would have gone for. He is not the man any of the women I know will go for.”
“Hey, not nice!” Gina gave a pretend frown. Then she sobered. “There are no surprises with Ritesh. No highs, no lows, and no expectations!” Gina paused and then said. “Ritesh is not going to promise the world and then pull the rug from under my feet. What you see is what you get. He is never going to rouse me to crazy passion nor will a breakup with him ever devastate me.”
Kyra watched Gina, shocked. “Then why marry?”
Gina’s chin rose a few inches high and her mouth became grim. “So everyone can see that I know who is right for me. Plus,” Her voice became soft, “Ritesh does not want children. Maybe that is best. I’m not a great mom; we all know that.”
Gina was staring at the floor and did not see Kyra swallow thickly. “I think you are making a mistake, Ginny!”
Gina was grateful that the maid walked in then with tea, saving Gina from having to answer to Kyra.
Chapter 9
Three days later
Ojas’s farmhouse
“Oh, good Lord! The stench!” Doyal instinctively covered her nose as she stood at the threshold of Ojas’s bedroom.
“Sir has been inside his room for all three days. He hasn’t eaten anything, just has been drinking himself till he passes out and then gets up and drinks more,” Vinay said, his usually composed face marred by lines and creases. If Vinay, by himself, had been able to pull Ojas out of the latter’s deep sorrow, he would have never allowed another person to see his boss in this pitiful state. In Vinay’s code of conduct that he strictly followed, this was betrayal. But code of conduct came second to being alive.
Three day ago, Ojas had taken to the bottle like Vinay had never seen anyone. He would guzzle alcohol, pass out, wake up, throw up, and then drink more. The brief time Ojas was awake he would curse himself, uttering the vilest words upon himself, stumbling around his room and crashing into things. When Vinay, along with the cook and the gardener, tried to help him, Ojas threatened to shoot them if they entered his room again. Vinay was worried that something awful and fatal would happen to his boss who had been nothing but respectful and generous to Vinay in their many years of association. Vinay had tried calling Ojas’s younger brother, but Puru was on a trek to a remote place for the last two days.
“Is he even alive?” Doyal asked, still covering her nose as she studied the bedraggled state of the room. The smell of vomit mingled with body odor was making her gag. Yet, it did not faze her. Most of her life she had lived in a small town and a small house crammed with people; she was used to smells. “Let’s open the windows first. Please gets some bleach, rags, and mops so we can clean this room.”
Vinay hesitated. “But Ojas Sir…”
“I know what I’m doing.” Doyal eyeballed Vinay.
Vinay swallowed but the authority Doyal exuded was hard to ignore or question.
“Do as I say and hurry.”
***
Something uncomfortable stabbed Ojas’s eyelids. It caused him to turn his face away but the pricks continued. His head was pounding; his mouth tasted like it was holding acid and his stomach felt hollow.
A guttural moan escaped Ojas’s parched lips that were dry and stuck to each other. His body felt like stones weighed it down. It took much effort to open his eyes. He pried them open to the width of a slit. The breath that escaped his lips was so pungent that he nearly passed out because of it. He saw blurred shapes moving around him. He blinked a few times to bring them into focus. The shapes became people. People he knew.
What the fuck! Isn’t that one of Gina’s friends? Ojas couldn’t remember her name. But he did see Vinay and his staff members cleaning his room.
“Hey…” Ojas tried to get up but it was too much effort, so he flopped back on the bed. His actions did alert others that Ojas was awake.
Doyal walked over to Ojas. “Ready to hit the road running?”
Ojas opened his mouth and closed it again. It felt like someone had sanded down his throat. His tongue sat thick in his mouth. “What are you doing here?” He was finally able to ask, his speech slurred.
“Getting you out of this self-inflicted crap hole you have sunk in.” Doyal clicked her fingers. “C’mon, get up!”
“Get lost!” Ojas couldn’t turn so he simply closed his eyes. He was breathing hard, the only sign of the anxiety building up in him. His heart felt like it was thundering in his ribcage. “I need a drink,” he said hoarsely.
“What you need is a kick in the ass.” Doyal retorted.
“Get out!” Ojas wanted to roar but his voice came out as a squeak.
“It’s about Gina! Something is not right with her.”
Ojas’s eyes flew open at ‘Gina.’ It took effort but he was able to raise his head from the prop pillow. He still couldn’t open both of his eyes. “What happened,” He had to swallow the dryness in his mouth, “to her?”
Doyal spoke to his one open eye. “Brush your teeth, take a shower if possible, and then come out of this stinking room of yours and I will tell you.”
Ojas gritted his teeth as his head hung down. It was too much effort to hold it up. “Tell me right now. What is wrong with her?” He wanted to sound forceful, but he sounded like he was a whimpering puppy.
“Outside! You have twenty minutes. In the kitchen.” Doyal rotated sharply on her feet and walked out.
Instinctively, Ojas reached out for an empty bottle near his bed to smash it on the floor but then he paused. That is one promise I’m not breaking. Gina’s face swam in front of Ojas’s eyes. Her words again came back to Ojas. It did not survive its mom’s madness or its father’s hate and simply gave up.
The anguish hit Ojas as hard as a car slamming into him. He wanted to howl with the pain; it was suffocating. He wanted to pull out his nails, rip his skin inch by inch, break his bones with a hammer, inflict so much pain on himself that everything else became oblivious. I ruined Gina when all she did was come to me for our baby. Not you Gina! I killed our baby. I destroyed everything. I’m the one who should have died.
“Boss!” Vinay’s soft-spoken voice brought him back to the reality.
“What?” Ojas gritted his teeth and managed to roll over on his back. He sat up bit by bit and then swung his feet to the ground.
“Miss Doyal!”
“Can go to hell!” Ojas tried to stand up but his legs buckled, and he fell hard on the bed. A part of Ojas just gave up, his hand reaching out for the three fourth scotch beckoning him from the nightstand. But he paused on remembering Doyal’s words. It’s about Gina! Something is not right with her.
Ojas did what he thought was harder than climbing Everest. He turned to Vinay and asked for help. “Can you assist me in getting to the bathroom?”
***
Doyal sat on the circular table tucked in the cozy corner of the kitchen. The sunlight streamed through the open wooden slats of the windows, warming the kitchen and revealing the particles floating in the air. They made for an interesting pattern.
She checked her wristwatch. Her twenty-minute deadline was almost up. “Thanks!” She murmured as the cook placed a plate of toast and a glass of cold milk on the table in front of the empty chair opposite to Doyal. On cue she heard shuffling feet. She sat straighter.
Ojas came in the kitchen, his hair wet and fresh from the shower. His skin still had a sickly pallor. His eyes were blood shot. He was nearly doubled over his walking stick and he moved like a chain was tied to his ankles. Vinay followed close behind, ready to provide support if Ojas fell. Ojas stumbled down in the chair opposite Doyal.
“Eat up! Especially the cold milk.” Doyal ordered.
“You got me out of the bed. Now talk.” Ojas swallowed. However much he hated Doyal for bossing over him, she was a lady and he from an army background. “Please!” he added.
Doyal’s gaze brushed Ojas like he was as insignificant as crumbs on the table. She looked
at the glass of milk pointedly as she tapped her fingers on the Formica surface.
Biting off an expletive, Ojas reached over and held the glass of milk. His hand wasn’t steady, and some milk sloshed on the table. Doyal didn’t offer help.
Ojas brought the glass to his lips and drank it in one go. He seemed to be having trouble keeping it down, but he swallowed a few times and then sat up. He signaled the cook and the cook gave Ojas a glass of water and some napkins.
Muttering ‘thanks,’ Ojas asked the cook and Vinay to leave them alone.
“So, what is wrong with Gina?” Ojas’s voice was gravelly.
“Ritesh, her fiancée.” Doyal said, drawing her hands back in her lap.
Ojas gritted his teeth. “Her fiancé is what is wrong with Gina?” After the words came out of his mouth, Ojas realized it sounded more like a statement than a question.
“You said it.” Doyal leaned forward, her delicate face with a slightly pointed chin determined. “Ritesh needs to go. He isn’t right for Gina. He’ll screw up her life.”
Ojas’s chest felt tight. He pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced. “It’s all my fault!”
“Wholeheartedly agree. And that’s why you will get her out of this mess.”
“If Gina has made a decision, we should respect it.” Ojas rubbed his eyes. He was damned if he was going to cry in front of a stranger, but anguish was sweeping inside him from all sides. He had just found, simultaneously, that he might have become a father and that he had lost the baby. As if that pain wasn’t enough, he also had to live with the fact that he had been the reason Gina had miscarried their child. Ojas wanted to howl.
Doyal must have seen something in his face for she pushed the glass of water toward him. “Have some more.”
