Happier Without You

by Nicole Thorn

  “Have you girls known Poe for long?” his father asked us. “Sorry, but he didn’t mention you.”

  Cathy put her smile back on. “Not long. A couple weeks, but we hang out a lot.”

  The mom looked nervous, and it threw me enough to speak. “Um, does Poe not normally bring his friends around?” I stared at the pictures again, searching for one with another boy, or maybe a girl. I saw none. Cathy’s room had a ton of pictures of her friends, and mine had pictures of me and Peter everywhere. I really needed to burn those.

  But I felt the answer before the woman even spoke. Poe didn’t have friends. That begged the question, why? Why would a friendly, funny, energetic boy of eighteen, not have anyone in his life?

  “No,” his mom said. “You’re the first in a while. Do you girls… What do you guys get up to?”

  “Allison,” the husband whispered. “Easy.”

  Allison tried smiling at us again. “Sorry to sound nosey, but, well, I’m nosey. Are you girls dating?”

  “Nope,” Cathy answered. “I’m between relationships, much like my little buddy over here. Seems like a bad idea, what with graduation coming up. I can scope out babes in college.”

  Malon giggled. “You’re funny.”

  “Thank you, doll.” Cathy bowed. “I try.”

  “Scotty,” Allison said. “I’m going to get Malon something to eat. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  I hoped that Allison didn’t want her daughter away from us. Did we look all that bad? Maybe I seemed as miserable as I felt, and she didn’t think that would be good for a kid to see. I wouldn’t have blamed her, but it made me uneasy to see how quickly she wanted that little girl in the other room. Would she tell Poe to make sure we didn’t come by after this?

  Scott nodded, and the two left the room. Poe’s father put his hands in his pockets, and got an utterly Poe like expression on his face. “You kids excited about school ending?”

  I shrugged. “Sure. Not having to go to a building full of rude people every day is going to be nice.”

  He laughed. “I understand. You look like good kids.”

  “Relatively,” Cathy snorted.

  Scott did not laugh again. “So…what do you guys get up to in your free time?”

  An odd question, but I wasn’t afraid to answer that. “Mostly stay at home. I work glass, so I like to make little figures sometimes. That, and I read.”

  The man smiled, and then Cathy said, “I spend a lot of time with my needy dog. My brother too. I have a few friends of convenience, and then my lady over here.”

  Scott relaxed a bit, making it all the clearer that he had been tense to start with. Same as Allison, who came back into the room then. She combed her fingers through her hair, and stood by her husband.

  “The girls spend a lot of time at home,” he said, and it felt pointed. “Today seems to be a special occasion.”

  I smirked. “Does the pale skin make it too obvious that I don’t see the sun much?”

  Allison grinned back at me. “You look beautiful, hon. Don’t worry about it.”

  Scott snapped his fingers. “They’re here for our son, sweetie. We probably shouldn’t take up too much more of their time. You agree?”

  She hesitated, but eventually responded. “Yeah, of course. His room is upstairs and at the very end of the hallway. I’m sure he’ll be so happy to see you.”

  “Is he sick?” Cathy asked. “Not that I’m worried about germs or anything, but he’s not answering our texts. I wouldn’t want to wake him up.”

  The two exchanged a look, and Allison answered. “He’s had a rough couple of days, but he could use a little company.”

  We thanked them, and Cathy led me up the stairs. I saw more pictures of happier days, and a younger version of Poe. Not only that, but I saw a younger version of Malon, and she couldn’t have been much older than five. She had no scars in that picture.

  When we got to Poe’s door, it had pictures taped to it. Drawings, clearly done by his little sister. A few of them were landscapes made in crayon, but my favorites were the ones of the family.

  I knocked on the door, and heard Poe tell us to come in.

  We found him sitting on his messy bed, knitting needles in hand, and going to town on what I assumed was my scarf. He must have thought his parents had been the ones knocking, because Poe looked surprised to see us.

  I took a look around his room, and it felt so much like him. Every inch of the wall had something on it, like a poster or picture. He had little toys, clothes on the floor, and books in stacks. What concerned me, was the box in his opened closet. I saw a hundred colors, and god knew how many scarves in it. I couldn’t have imagined how much time that had taken.

  “Hey,” I said to Poe. “You weren’t in school today.”

  I prepared for him to tell us to get the hell out, or say something equally snippy to me. He looked at the both of us, and sat up in his bed. He had on jammies, with triforces on them, of course. His shirt matched, and his almost black hair looked a mess.

  “Is that why you’re here?” he asked. “Did you talk to my parents?”

  “Someone had to let us in,” Cathy said. “They were nice to us, don’t worry. And your little sister is a cutie.”

  Poe tensed, and broke eye contact. “You really shouldn’t have come over, guys.”

  I nodded, knowing he would say that. “We were worried about you.”

  “Very,” Cathy added. “So, what the hell is up with you?”

  I could sense Poe shutting down already, sighing, and pulling his fingers through his hair. We got no answer from him, and Cathy only had to give me a look, and then gesture to the boy for me to catch on.

  We both took our shoes off, and each went to a side of the bed. Cathy and I pulled the covers up, and got into bed with Poe. He tried to hide his smile, and did a poor job of it. The two of us turned to face him, and waited for Poe to finally say something.

  “I was a dick to you,” he said. “You shouldn’t be here trying to make me feel better. You should be off somewhere, talking about how much of a jerk I am, and getting ready to make fun of me at school tomorrow.”

  “Not a chance,” Cathy said.

  “We see this a couple ways,” I started. “Something is wrong in your life, and it made you a little snippy with us. We can forgive that, and as long as you don’t shut us out, then we’ll stick by you.”

  Cathy nodded. “Yeah, what she said. If you’re sad, then you can be sad. If you’re happy, then be happy. But neither of us want you thinking that you have to put on a show for us, or force it when you would rather sit there and be quiet. You don’t have to tell us what’s wrong, but you should be able to tell us that something is wrong.”

  As a move of solidarity, we both hooked a leg around Poe, and snuggled up to his sides. We laid there, all comfy under the covers, and Poe couldn’t have gotten away.

  “How are you feeling today?” I asked, testing to see if Poe was on board.

  When he hesitated, it made me sure this hadn’t worked out. Then he opened his mouth, and the world didn’t seem so glum. “You ever have those days where everything feels fine, and then out of nowhere, something hits you like it had its sights set to kill?”

  “Constantly,” I said, while Cathy stayed silent.

  Poe looked to me. “I had a day like that this week. I tried to bounce back to normal, but my body is rejecting it entirely. I’ll probably be fine in a little while, but I don’t feel good right now.”

  I put my arm around him, perfectly comfortable against the kind of bulky boy. “I know how you feel. Do you want us to go home?”

  “No,” he said. “If you don’t mind being around a huge bummer, then I want you to stay.”

  Cathy laughed at him. “Of course we don’t mind. I think that you forget that one third of our group is crazy, one is all fucked up over some prick, and one gets sad sometimes. None of us are really okay, so we should get to be not okay together. We’ll order a pizza, watch TV, a
nd maybe have a three way later if we don’t eat too much.”

  Poe eyed the bed. “Well, it would be a big waste of having two girls in my bed if I didn’t try anything. Surely someone would be disappointed in me.”

  “Yeah, us,” Cathy said. “Start with Clover. I think she needs it more.”

  Poe turned his head sharply to me. “Is that so?”

  I shook my head, blushing.

  He grinned at me, removing his arm from Cathy as he turned in my direction. “I think you’re lying. You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?”

  “No…”

  Then he attacked me, pulling the blanket over us, and sending his scarf flying. I heard a thump as Cathy hit the ground and cursed at the two of us. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to that, since Poe decided to put his hands on my sides, and torture the truth out of me. I kicked, but didn’t try all that hard to get way.

  “Quit trying so hard,” I teased.

  “I’m not trying. I am simply calling you out for being a liar.”

  “Please,” Cathy said, making us stop. Poe pulled the blanket back over his head, and we saw her standing there, arms crossed. “Don’t let me get in the way of your foreplay.”

  I should have realized a lot sooner that Poe laid on top of me, and my legs weren’t exactly closed… My face burned even more, and I would have squirmed out from under him if I could have.

  “You’re not,” Poe promised. “You can turn around for a little while if you don’t wanna watch. You’re more than welcome to do either.” Then he growled, and buried his face in my neck. Clearly it had been meant to mess with Cathy, but I didn’t mind it so much. He laid a loud kiss on my throat before he sat up next to me.

  Cathy smirked, and pointed to the two of us. “Are you finished yet? Seemed short, Poe. You should work on that kind of thing.”

  He lifted the blanket up for her to get back in. “Come along, you jealous little thing you. Papa has room for the both of you in his heart and in his bed.”

  She scoffed, but got in. “Gross. Don’t call yourself Papa.”

  “Is Daddy better?”

  Cathy and I gagged, switching between that and groaning. “You’re a bad person,” I said. “And you are no longer allowed to tickle me.”

  With that, he put his hand under the blanket, and felt around for my hips. When he found my left side, he proved me a liar, making me laugh uncontrollably. I’d need to punish him for it later. For now, I let myself be happy that he didn’t look so miserable.

  I didn’t know how long it would last, so Cathy and I stayed cuddled up to his sides, and I hoped that Poe could find in life what I couldn’t seem to.

  Chapter Eleven: Waves

  I could have done without the prom banners going up, but I knew I couldn’t have done a thing about it. Everywhere I looked I saw a reminder, and Kelly made sure to give me even more to be upset about. I just wanted to move past this. I wanted to stop seeing them together, and feeling like my time with Peter didn’t matter. He’d replaced me so quickly, and it sucked all the meaning out of every I love you he had ever said to me. How did I come to terms with the fact that I would never know what had been real? This constant reminder that during all those happy moments, he could have still been wanting her? I had been his consolation prize, and a fool for thinking I had meant more to him. I let myself believe the impossible, and it bit me in the ass. I guess I had this coming.

  Poe flicked my shoulder, because I had been staring at the banner too much. “Just give me the okay, and I’ll—”

  “Stop offering, because I might take you up on it.”

  He smiled, and pulled me to his side as we walked down the hallway. “The offer always stands. I want to murder that guy for making you feel like any of this is your fault.”

  “It is,” I said, and it sounded so whiny. “I wasn’t enough. Kelly was enough…”

  Poe flicked me again. “Shush. You’re feeling sorry for yourself because you’re in a mood. It’s fine to be in a mood, but you act like he was some prize that you lost. The guy is an asshole who clearly wasn’t ever in it with both feet.”

  I groaned, and came to a stop. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it just makes me feel stupid for having both my feet in.”

  Poe stopped with me, and held my face. “Listen here, woman.”

  I smiled.

  “You’re not stupid for doing what you were supposed to do. It doesn’t make you dumb, and don’t take this as a sign to stop trusting people. You did nothing wrong, and Peter should have done things different if he wasn’t sure about you two.”

  “But maybe he used to be sure. Then him and fucking Kelly went off and—”

  “Clover, I like you so much, so I hope this doesn’t upset you. But it is none of your goddammed business what Peter got up to after you broke up. Is he a prick for moving on so soon? Yeah, and he’s a prick for a lot of other things, but you guys are done, so he’s able to go off and do whatever. Same as you. If you adopt the idea that it’s none of your business, then it’ll make your life a lot easier. If you start thinking about it, try to shut it down. It’s hard, but you have to try.”

  He had a point. It wasn’t any of my concern what Peter got up to now, and it only upset me when I pictured it in my head. I just wished I could make the dwelling stop. I kept thinking about him, and wanting things to go back to the way it had been. Simple, and safe. We had all these plans, and that was still the future I wanted.

  “It won’t go away,” I said.

  “What won’t go away?”

  I inhaled, trying to slow time. “It hurts. Everything hurts, and he’s fine. It’s infuriating.”

  “I know it is. You have to find a way to work past it.”

  It didn’t look all that possible from where I stood. I didn’t want to still be hurting in a year, or five. But on the other hand, it felt so wrong to think that one day, I wouldn’t know what Peter was up to. He would be a total stranger to me, when he used to mean so much. Everything. It sounded like blasphemy.

  “How come I’m so replaceable?” I asked, like Poe could have answered. “He used to come to me with all of his problems and worries, and I made him feel better. How could I go from the only person who could do that, to what I am now?”

  “I don’t know, honey. I can’t come up with a reason, because I don’t know the person who you’re talking about. All I can tell you is that Cathy won’t replace you, and I won’t replace you.”

  I blinked, and stared away from Poe’s face. “I was all fucked up too. I had the same problems he did, feeling worthless, and unwanted.”

  “And he made you feel better when you talked to him about it.”

  My face contorted as I felt the line form between my eyebrows. “We never really talked about that.”

  “What?”

  I shrugged. “We didn’t talk a lot about my issues. He knew he couldn’t make it go away, so we didn’t talk about it. I tried not to bring it up when I was upset, because there was always something up with him. It wasn’t fair for me to complain when he had it worse.”

  Poe grumbled, and then rolled his eyes. “I really hate that guy.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Other than the obvious? He used you to feel better, and he didn’t help you at all.”

  “He needed me. I got by without leaning on him like that. He didn’t need that stress.”

  I didn’t understand why Poe stared at me like I’d lost my mind. “He should have been grateful for the stress, especially if it would have made you feel a little better. But Peter didn’t try, and that’s not right. You deserve for someone to try, even if you think it’s useless, because that’s not the fucking point.”

  I flinched at the touch of aggression, but Poe noticed and settled down. He took my hand, tugging me back over to him. His lips pressed against my temple, and then he put them to my ear. “You’ll be okay,” he said. “I promise that eventually, this is going to fade away.”

  Rubbing my eyes,
I sighed. “I feel like garbage. I want to do something insanely petty to upset him. I mean, he probably wouldn’t care about anything I did, but it would be nice to upset him just once, to try and even out this constant misery he’s put me in.”

  Poe smiled, and looked upward. “Hmm, give me a little time. I can come up with something good.”

  “I swear to god if it involves your dick…”

  He laughed, but didn’t tell me no. “Don’t worry. I’ll figure something out. Sugar in a gas tank is pretty good too, by the way. Or stabbing him.”

  “Oh, I like that one. Wanna be teenaged Bonnie and Clyde?”

  “Do I get to kiss you on the mouth?”

  My heart decided to slam into my ribs for some reason, but I decided not to pay attention. “I mean, obviously.”

  Poe nodded. “Then I shall go out with you in a hail of gunfire.”

  “The way the lord intended.”

  We walked with linked arms to Poe’s first hour class, where he got the joy of making up a test he missed the day before. That meant I didn’t get a ride home. Cathy had a thing with her friends, working on something for the goddammed motherfucking prom, so that meant a lonely walk home for me. Cathy said she would dedicate a song to me when she played at the dance, and that was meant to make me feel better.

  “Abandoner,” I accused in a sigh when Poe and I got to his class.

  “So sorry,” he said. “I’ll make it up to you.”

  “How?” I asked, lifting up on my tiptoes before dropping.

  He cocked his head, getting a cute thinky face. “I’ll let you know.”

  We parted, and I shuffled slowly through the empty hallway. We’d lingered too long, and most of the students had gone home. Fridays cleared out quick, and I couldn’t blame them. I had nowhere to be, so what did it matter?

  Once I got outside, I trudged past the boys headed off to do their lacrosse stuff. They went in the opposite direction as I did, and I kept my head down as I walked through the grass.