Happier Without You

by Nicole Thorn

  My eyes still searched, but I had nothing to hold onto as I thought about all the things to come. What if Tammy did want to destroy me? Step one: make me afraid. Then, once I was in a weakened state, she could come in, and do what she wanted. Making me paranoid seemed like a damn good start. If I went off telling people about this, and they didn’t believe me, that would have left me all alone.

  But I wasn’t all alone. I had two whole friends, one of which lived down the street.

  I appeared outside before I knew I’d rushed out the door without telling anyone. At least my dad wouldn’t have noticed me vanishing. I hurried down the street, not wanting to linger for too long. I didn’t want to give Tammy what she wanted, but I was still afraid to be alone. She knew a lot of people, and I had no doubt that she could have gotten someone to hurt me if she wanted to.

  I frantically knocked on Poe’s front door, and looked around me when I had to stand there alone. If I screamed, someone would have come out of their house to save me, right? Surely they wouldn’t have let me get beaten or maybe hit with an arrow. I didn’t know what the hell Tammy had in mind.

  A tiny girl answered the door, with Poe right behind her. Trying to sound like a normal person, I smiled and said, “Hello, sweetie,” to Malon.

  Poe smirked at me. “Hello to you too, baby.”

  I glared at him without heat. “Ha. Can I come in please?”

  Malon opened the door wider, and I thanked her as I walked inside. She looked up at me, a little wrinkle between her eyes. The scars on her face popped, and it hurt my chest to see. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “But I need to talk to your brother about something.”

  “I’ll go play with Mommy.” Malon waved to me, hugged Poe, and then skipped out of the room.

  Despite the Tammy of it all, my brain forced me to think about what Poe had told me the other day. At least it made me feel a little better, seeing how Malon acted now. Not sad, or frightened, or angry. She seemed like a normal, and sweet little girl, who happen to have lived through something traumatizing. It made me glad that at least someone in the world could do that.

  Poe nudged me, getting my attention back. “Something happen between my dropping you off a half hour ago and now?”

  I nodded, and pushed him in the direction of the stairs. We walked up together, and I shut the door when we got to his bedroom. I hesitated, wondering if I should have brought him into this. God forbid Tammy decide she wanted to play with Poe too. She’d already made it clear she didn’t mind fucking with Peter. But I couldn’t handle being alone in this, so I decided to be selfish. I didn’t want to say it out loud, so I handed over my phone. I paced as he went through it.

  A couple minutes later, Poe looked up at me with caution. “I take it you didn’t plan this little photo shoot?”

  “No,” I said, and then launched into my explanation. I stumbled over myself, trying to talk without letting my voice get all shaky. I did a poor job in hiding my worry. It didn’t help when I started chewing on my nails.

  Poe pulled my fingers out of my mouth and set my phone down. “Breathe. You’ll be fine.”

  I glared at him. “You sound like the women in the office.”

  He glared right back. “Hey, I’m trying to calm you down here. Work with me.”

  Sighing, I sat up on his dresser, and rubbed my eyes until I saw spots. “I’m in no position to be dealing with a crazy person right now. I have pouting and eating to do.”

  Poe smiled, and patted my thigh. “Atta girl. Don’t let this make you forget your priorities.”

  I groaned obnoxiously. “What am I supposed to do here? I’m not going to say I’m sorry I called her out on stealing from Cathy, and she didn’t even accept my apology about the car. I can’t reason with her.”

  “You’ve given up so quickly. Maybe she’s trying to make a point. You can try talking to her again. Take me or Cathy with you if you’re worried.”

  “I’m not about to drag you into my mess.”

  Poe shrugged, and leaned his side against the dresser. “Maybe I don’t mind being in your mess.”

  “You should. You might wake up with a dog head on your pillow.”

  “I’m not all that worried I’ll have a dog head show up. I’m more concerned with how twitchy you are right now, and getting it to stop. We can take this to the police if you want. It’s harassment at the very least, and they might do something about it, since it happened at school.”

  Rubbing my eyes again, I said, “I have no proof of where it happened, and these could have been taken by me. It doesn’t even look like she had the phone in her hands.”

  Mixing this with my other complaint, wouldn’t have gone my way. If I was an outsider, I would see this as something else. I’d embarrassed her in front of a crowd, twice. Then I accused her of kissing me, and threatening me. If I showed up to a police station with a ton of pictures that could have been taken by me, they would have assumed I had something to do with it. They wouldn’t have been on my side, and it could have made Tammy hate me all the more.

  “I don’t think I have anything solid enough,” I said. “Nothing that would get anything done.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  I lifted an eyebrow at him. “What do you think the cops would do with this? It’s her word against mine, and I’m the one that did things with witnesses around. Nothing would happen.”

  Poe stared at my phone, but didn’t seem to have any more advice for me. “Okay, so we have a couple options. We can hope that this is the end of it, crossing our fingers and praying. We can go to the cops. Or, we can try to talk to Tammy so we can smooth things over.”

  None of those sounded like good choices, but there they were for me to choose. I already said no to the cops, and I didn’t know what talking to Tammy would have done. I still decided to try.

  “Fine,” I huffed. “Mr. Reasonable. I can try and work things out with Tammy. Maybe if I grovel, she’ll stop it. Even though she deserved what she got for stealing.”

  Poe put his hands on my shoulders, kindly trying to rub the stress away. “You’ll be all right. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll curb stomp a bitch if I have to.”

  I laughed, snorting and then pretending it didn’t happen. Which only made me laugh harder.

  Poe seemed to like my losing it, so he tried to see how far he could push me. “Have you ever heard of a Columbian Neck Tie?”

  I shook my head. “Knock it off,” I laughed, swatting at him.

  He took my hands so I couldn’t fight, and he had the proudest look on his face as he went on. “I mean, like, I’ll fuck her up. Get me a branch from the back yard and go to town on her scrunched up little face. They’ll hail me as a hero.”

  “They won’t!” I struggled in his hold, but he didn’t let go.

  “Of course they will!” he mock shouted back. “They’ll fear me, and understand that I am willing to do anything to protect my person. I can carry around a sledgehammer to make sure that they remember.”

  “You’re such a weirdo.”

  “You love it.”

  I did love it. “Not even.”

  “But yeah.” He nodded, and his fingers tightened around my hands.

  “You wish.”

  “I do.”

  We paused for a moment, but it felt like so much longer. It would seem we both lost our damn minds at the same time, because I couldn’t have said for certain which of us moved first. Neither of us stayed still, and that might have said something.

  I had my mouth on Poe’s in a blink, and I didn’t hesitate to kiss him like the world was about to end. I gripped his sides tightly, but he held my face so gently that I almost couldn’t feel it. While I moved eagerly, Poe wanted to be slower. I matched his pace, not wanting to ruin it.

  My lips parted, and I felt Poe’s tongue softly caress mine. No prodding around, or invading anything. I forgot for a moment that kissing could be pleasant. Then I didn’t have the ability to think anymor
e, which meant I couldn’t overthink anything. I relaxed, and enjoyed the moment.

  Poe might have left me on the dresser, if I didn’t kind of insinuate I wanted something else. I hooked my leg around him, moaning against his mouth when I grinded myself against him. He took the hint, and picked me up off the dresser. In the next couple seconds, we fell onto his bed, and my head landed perfectly on his pillow.

  I had a smile on my face when Poe kissed me again, and I shamelessly arched up to meet him. I wanted more of that nervous flutter in my stomach. I wanted the pleasant sensation Poe caused when he pushed himself against me. I wanted a lot of things that I realized then, I wasn’t allowed to want.

  Poe and I parted, both needing air. While he panted, he pressed his lips to my neck, over, and over again. He had no right to do something that felt so pleasant, and something I didn’t want to have to stop. If I thought I could live through the guilt, I would have laid there all day long. I would have let myself be happy, because I really fucking wanted it.

  But I specialized in ruining things.

  I sat up, wordlessly making Poe move off of me. I stayed there for a moment, fretfully checking myself so that nothing looked out of order. I didn’t know what to say, or how to think when my heart pounded so loudly in my ears. My cheeks felt like fire when I touched them, and I couldn’t make myself look at Poe.

  “Did I do something wrong?” he panted. “I thought you… I thought you wanted me to do that.”

  “I did,” I told him as I got off of the bed.

  I couldn’t escape seeing Poe’s face. So cautious and worried that he had done something wrong. “Did I upset you then? What did I fuck up?”

  Stab me in the heart, why don’t you? “You did nothing wrong,” I said honestly. “I promise, this isn’t anything you did. I just… I can’t do this.” Any of it. Kissing, enjoying the kissing, or wanting more than what I had with Poe.

  Bless Poe, because he didn’t try to follow me out of the room. He let me walk out the door, get all the way downstairs, and then leave his house. I made the mistake of stopping when I got to the sidewalk, and looking up at the house. Poe stood by the window, watching me leave. I had nothing to say, so I didn’t pull myself together enough to walk back up there.

  “I’m sorry,” I said out loud, even though he couldn’t hear me. I would have to answer for my actions, and I knew it. Poe deserved something more than me running out on him, but that had to wait for another day.

  Chapter Nineteen: Kick A Dog When She’s Down

  Cujo stared at me, the black pits of her eyes locked on for her judgement. I deserved that and a lot more, so I let it happen. She sat there on Cathy’s lap, getting pet, thinking I was a dumbass. Which felt fair.

  “You don’t look surprised,” I said to Cathy.

  She shrugged lightly. “I’m not.”

  “About which part?”

  “I am not surprised that you guys kissed, nor am I surprised that you bolted in terror. I expected as much.”

  I frowned, tilting my head down so I could stare daggers at the floor. I had nothing to say to defend myself. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

  “Don’t feel bad about it. I know exactly why you did it. And if you want me to explain it to you, I can.”

  Still frowning, I glanced back up again. “Is it gonna hurt?”

  “Probably. It doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t hear it.”

  I gestured to her. “Hit me then.”

  Cathy set Cujo aside on the bed, and she rolled over the second her mama stopped touching her. Cathy rolled her eyes, called her a couple names, and then rubbed her belly.

  “All right,” Cathy started. “You have a thing for Poe, which makes sense, because he’s a cutie. But you’re a neurotic mess of a person—that I love by the way, so shut the fuck up—and that makes your life a little hard. In your head, you’re probably assuming Poe regrets the kiss, or he lost his mind, or some other sad shit. Like wondering why he likes you at all, despite the fact that you’re lovely, and pretty, and everyone you meet likes you, if you haven’t noticed.”

  I didn’t notice, because it wasn’t true. I had two friends, and people didn’t enjoy my company. Peter said I wasn’t made to be around people, and he liked that we had it in common. We spent so many Saturdays in my room because of it.

  “You got most of that right,” I admitted.

  “All of it,” Cathy muttered under her breath.

  “But it changes nothing.”

  “Oh, I know. You’re gonna be a crazy ass and sit there, all sad when you could be spending time with a boy you’re into, all because you don’t think you should be into him. I bet it’ll be awkward tomorrow when you have to get your phone back from him.”

  Yeah, I left it on his dresser when we made out. Which was a sentence I shouldn’t have been able to say.

  “I feel like a terrible person,” I said. “I got so pissy with Peter for moving on quickly. If I do the same thing, what does that make me?”

  Cathy blinked, and then stared at her dog while she rubbed her temples. “I mean, where do I fucking start?” She looked back to me. “Don’t base when you move on, on anyone else. Only you can decide when you’re ready. And also, base nothing off of what that asshole Peter does. He’s selfish, and mean. You’re also insane for letting that be the reason you hesitate on something you want. Nothing stays the same, Clover. You fall in and out of love, get new people in your life, and that’s how it is. Don’t feel guilty for being a person, and moving on. Lastly, Peter had a new girl in a couple weeks. It’s been months now. So not the same. Even if it was, fuck it. Be happy, because what’s the point of being alive if you’re going to be sad all the time? Especially if you’re choosing to be sad because you think you have to.”

  I couldn’t make sense of anything in my brain. I understood that my reasoning wasn’t exactly on point, but it felt right. If me and Poe started up something so soon after I broke up with Peter, then wasn’t I just as bad as him? I’d been replaced, and I didn’t want to make Poe feel like he was only something to fill a gap, or distract myself with.

  “What if Poe thinks I’m trying to make Peter jealous?”

  Cathy sighed, and gave Cujo another rub on her tummy. “If Poe thought that, I don’t think he would have kissed you back. He’s a good guy, and he wouldn’t have done something that was either taking advantage, or letting himself get used.”

  But Poe was kind, and sweet to me. He knew how fragile I could be, and he wouldn’t have wanted to do anything that could have hurt me even more. “Maybe it was just us both losing our minds for a minute. Didn’t mean anything.”

  Cathy threw a pillow at my face, and gave me a second to recover. “No, dummy. That is not what—” Cujo walked around Cathy, licked her hand, and then plopped down between us, exposing her belly. My friend sighed, and started petting her again. “Anyway… That’s not what this is. You like him, right? Like in a romantical way?”

  “Well…yeah.”

  She smiled. “Thought so. You like him, he likes you, so you can see what happens.”

  “I don’t know Poe likes me.”

  She stared hard at me, and stopped petting the dog. That got Cujo glaring at me too. “He put his tongue in your mouth.”

  “So?”

  “He brought you over to his bed, and rubbed his junk against you.”

  “So…?”

  “Was lil Poe… How do I put this for your delicate ears?” Cathy scratched her head. “Um, at attention?”

  I blushed. “I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.”

  I had a feeling Cathy wanted to wrap her hands around my throat and throttle me, but she held back with a puff of air out of her mouth. “Are we gonna do this? Really? Fine then. Was he hard?”

  I should have seen that coming. “I mean…yeah.”

  “Then I’m gonna take a wild guess and say he was into it. It wasn’t some pity thing, or kissing you back so that your feelings didn’t get hurt. Poe
has a thing for you, and if you deny it, then you’re crazy.”

  I already knew I was crazy, and I could have easily written off everything she said. Boys reacted certain ways to things, and it didn’t make me special that it happened with Poe. Of course, I wouldn’t say that out loud, because Cathy would have beaten me and tried to make logical points.

  “I feel…” I started. “I feel like everything is going to fall apart. I’ve loved a sad person before, and look what happened. Things are hard all the time, and then they decide they’re better off without me around.”

  Cathy reached forward, and took my hand. She ignored the dog licking her and said, “I understand that you’re scared. It makes sense, and it’s not a bad thing to be cautious. But not every man is like Peter. They’re not all selfish cowards. Some people can carry their brokenness without letting it hurt others.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes you can. You held Peter together the best you could, and you didn’t crumble. You deserve more credit for that than you get. You still hurt, but you had no one to talk to about it. Instead, you took care of him.”

  “It didn’t work. He’s still broken, and I sucked at making him feel better.”

  “You tried as hard as you could, and it’s not your fault he wouldn’t accept comfort. That’s not on you. This thing with Poe, isn’t about Peter. So don’t let him affect your choices.”

  How could I not? He remained to be the only person I’d ever been with, and that wasn’t something I’d forget. Peter had been my whole world, and then he left me.

  I pulled my shaking hand away from Cathy, because I didn’t want to be touched. “I’ll ruin it,” I said with a trembling voice. “I’ll fucking ruin this. I have a friend, and he makes everything feel better. I’ll be too much for him too, and then what? God, there’s only so much I can take before I can’t get up again. How many times am I supposed to get abandoned before I quit? Do I have to invite it?”