by Jenny Lee
But it wasn’t easier, not by a long shot.
Every single girl turned away from Anna, but that was nothing compared to the looks she received from the boys as she passed by: snickers, leering glances, and crude gestures, once they knew Steven couldn’t see them. What hurt Anna the most was the whispering that began the moment she walked by. Anna held her head high and bit her tongue to keep the tears at bay, but when she saw Vronsky sitting with Beatrice and Claudine she faltered. Vronsky stood up immediately to greet her, genuinely thrilled to see her. He was about to reach out, but Anna took a step back, looked down at her Louboutin Mary Janes, and shook her head.
“Please, Alexia,” Anna said quietly. “Don’t.”
Vronsky was stunned, but respected Anna’s wishes and sat back down, never taking his eyes off her when she sat down next to her brother two rows ahead of them.
“You could have said hello,” he whispered angrily to Beatrice. “It would be the nice thing to do. It could have helped her. Everyone is being such assholes.”
“Dear cousin, that girl’s beyond help,” Beatrice snapped back. “And you of all people should know I’m not nice. Besides, I have more important things to do with my mouth.” She smiled at Claudine and blew her a kiss, licking her lips.
Anna sat frozen next to her brother, trying to process what had just happened. Not a single person had greeted her besides Vronsky. It was like she was a ghost at her own funeral, invisible to everyone and yet the subject of their gossip.
“Do you want to leave?” Steven asked. “It’s okay if you do.”
“No,” Anna said. “This is the shit pipe that I have to crawl through, and I have to start sometime.”
“What does that mean?” Steven asked.
“It’s The Shawshank Redemption,” Dustin said, appearing beside them. “Steven, I really need to shore up your film studies education. It’s pathetic.”
Anna smiled at Dustin, who was crouching next to her seat in the aisle. She stood up to hug him, and when she pulled back, she saw Kimmie standing behind him. It was the first time Anna and Kimmie had come face-to-face since the night at the club so many months ago. Anna was scared, unsure if her fragile ego could take another hit, but her fear faded immediately when Kimmie stepped forward and embraced Anna warmly.
“Always the most beautiful girl in the room,” Kimmie said. “No wonder everyone hates you.”
Anna could have laughed or cried, but laughter won out, because she could tell Kimmie was joking even if it was true. “Kimmie, I really want to apologize for…”
Kimmie interrupted Anna. “Please don’t. I knew the risks. I didn’t have to be there. If it rains, you get wet.”
Dustin explained, “It’s a quote from Heat. We watched it this weekend.”
The lights flickered on and off, indicating the show was about to start. Kimmie and Dustin rushed off to their seats, excited for Lolly’s performance. When the lights went down, Anna felt better, relieved for a short reprieve from everyone staring at her with disdain. She was trying to steer clear of negative thoughts these days, but she couldn’t help her growing anger at the unfairness of everything that was happening. Yes, she was in a sex tape. It happened, so what? Everyone knew it was Vronsky with her, but that didn’t seem to matter. How was it that he could still walk around while no one blinked an eye?
Lolly’s song was the closing number of the first act before the intermission. She came out onstage, wearing a gorgeous lavender Monique Lhuillier dress she’d gotten from Rent the Runway, which Steven later purchased for her, because she had never looked more beautiful to him. She stepped forward to the microphone, introducing herself and the school she was representing. She then looked down, about to begin her song, but instead leaned forward into the mic and said, “I’d like to dedicate my song tonight to my boyfriend’s sister, and my very good friend, Anna K. I picked this song for you.” The crowd murmured in the dark, but Lolly didn’t care. She’d spoken from her heart and wanted to do this for Anna, because, in her eyes, no one needed this song more.
Lolly began to sing “It’s Quiet Uptown,” the song from Hamilton, which told the story of Eliza and her husband dealing with the heartbreaking aftermath of the tragic death of their son in a pointless duel. It spoke of two people learning to forgive each other for the mistakes they’d made. It was also a song of redemption and forgiveness, about how Eliza learned to let go of the past and forgive her husband for his affair with another woman. The bereaved husband and wife bonded over the death of their son and learned to love each other again, despite all the odds stacked against them.
We push away what we can never understand
We push away the unimaginable.
Steven had never loved Lolly more than when she dedicated her song to his sister. Anna had never been so touched by another girl, bravely speaking up on her behalf to a crowd of disapproving hypocrites. Kimmie had never been prouder of her beautiful sister, who she once thought was superficial and shallow, but who surprised her by being anything but. And Dustin had never been so happy to sit in the dark theater, holding the hand of the girl he loved. And Vronsky? Vronsky stared at the back of Anna’s head in the dark and wondered if she was thinking of him the way he was thinking of her. Even though he hadn’t seen Anna in a month, she was still the first thing he thought of when he awoke each morning and the last thing he thought of before falling asleep.
Lolly received a standing ovation, and when the lights came up, Anna and Steven noticed that both their parents were wiping away tears. Lolly came and found Steven and Anna during intermission and was thrilled that they’d been so moved by her performance. Anna gave Lolly a fierce hug and thanked her for her incredible display of kindness. “Lolly, I hope I don’t bring down your reputation.”
“Oh, Anna, stop it!” Lolly replied. “I used to only care about what everyone thought of me, but not anymore. Now I only care about what the people I love think of me, and everyone else can rot in hell! If it wasn’t for you pushing me to find it in my heart to forgive Steven, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’m a better person for it, and I will never forget what you did for me. For us. I’ll be forever grateful to you for showing me the way.”
The two girls hugged again, and Steven, overcome with emotion, wrapped his arms around his two favorite girls. Anna was crying now, but her tears were joyous. For the first time in a very long time she felt grateful for the people around her. She had gone through the unimaginable and was still crawling through the shit, but she now had hope that one day, eventually, she’d crawl out the other side and be free again. She excused herself to go to the ladies’ room and sat for a while in the stall drying her eyes. As she stood up to leave the stall, she stopped at the sound of some girls talking at the mirrors.
“Can you believe she showed her face here? If I were her, I’d have left town. She deserves everything she got…”
“All dressed up like a lady, but still a two-timing whore, just like her mother. Did you hear? They’re actually separated and the mom’s living in Greenwich alone.”
“Did you see? Poor Alexander’s here with Eleanor. He must hate himself for all the years he wasted on that half-breed piece of trash.”
Anna waited until the bathroom emptied out before she left. She felt awful but was too stunned to cry. She exited the stall, washed her hands, and looked at herself in the mirror for a long time. She didn’t like what she saw, and she knew what she had to do. She walked out of the bathroom straight into Alexander, who was leaning up against the wall waiting for her.
“Hey” was all she managed to get out in her surprise. She noticed his eyes looked glassy and wondered if he was feeling all right.
“Are you okay?” he asked before she could ask him.
Anna was about to say she was fine, but that would have been a lie. “Not really,” she admitted.
“Yeah, I can imagine,” he replied. “Actually, I can’t.”
Anna waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. She wasn’t s
ure what he wanted from her and she didn’t know if she wanted to know. “Is there something you wanted to ask me?”
“Did you ever love me?” He hated himself for being pathetic, but it was something he desperately wanted to know. Even though he wasn’t in that much pain anymore, he was still taking Percocet. And though his doctor said it was time he weaned himself off them, he hadn’t been able to. He still felt pain every day, but perhaps it wasn’t in his leg, perhaps it was his pride. He couldn’t stop feeling like a wounded animal over Anna leaving him for another. Some OG he turned out to be. Over and over he replayed their relationship in his head, always regretful over things he should have done differently.
“You’re better off without me,” she replied. There was so much she wanted to say to him. Why did it take all of this happening for them to talk to each other openly? For a moment she wished she could go back in time, start again, request a do over, go back to her old life when everything made sense. Was that the better version of herself? Was that a girl who could look at herself in the mirror without feeling ashamed? “I’m sorry, Alexander. For hurting you. I made so many mistakes.” And with that she turned and walked away, crossed the expansive foyer of Alice Tully Hall, and left out the front entrance into the dark and rainy night.
XXVIII
When Alexander W. took his seat in the back of the theater next to Eleanor, he felt terrible. He had seen Anna walk in with her family, and a tsunami of sorrow washed over him. He was angry and hurt when she ended things with him before he left for Cambridge but felt only pity when he found out about the video. She had made some mistakes, yes, but certainly did not deserve such a terrible fate. He wanted to say something, but when he had his chance he realized he didn’t know what to say. Instead, he found himself taking a good look at her for what seemed like the first time ever. He had known she was beautiful and accomplished, but maybe he’d never taken the time to really know her. He’d loved her from the first moment he saw her, but what did that even mean? Eleanor was fidgeting in her seat. “I didn’t see her return. Did you? Maybe she left. I cannot believe she has the gall to show her face in public.”
“Eleanor, please shut up,” Alexander said. “Let it go.”
“Why are you still defending her?” Eleanor hissed. “She made a fool of you and our family. I’m happy she’s disgraced. She deserved it, and I have no regrets. Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
It took longer than it should have for his half-sister’s words to sink in. Eleanor quoting obscure Bible references was nothing new, but what was she saying exactly? And then, he knew. Even though the second half of the show had started, he got up and walked out of the theater. As he stood alone in the lobby, he tried to gather his thoughts, but was at a loss for what to do. He heard a door close and looked up to see Vronsky enter from outside. He had been out looking for Anna, because he’d noticed she hadn’t returned after intermission. Vronsky saw Alexander standing alone and their face-to-face meeting was unavoidable.
“Alexander,” he said, nodding curtly.
“Vronsky,” Alexander said.
Vronsky was at the theater door, about to walk in, when he heard Alexander speak. “Wait.” He turned and walked back to the man that was at one time his greatest rival.
“Eleanor released the video,” Alexander said bluntly, his voice strangled with the atrocity of his sister’s misdeed. “I thought it was you, but I was wrong.”
Vronsky stared at Alexander, speechless. He had assumed it was Alexander, to get back at Anna for dumping him.
“I saw Anna leave. She didn’t look well.”
“Maybe she went home,” Vronsky said.
“If you love her, you should find her. She needs you,” Alexander said, even though the truth pained him. Alexander watched as Vronsky ran out the front doors into the dark Manhattan gloom. Alexander decided he no longer wanted to stay, either. He certainly couldn’t go back and take a seat next to Eleanor after what she had done. Alexander knew something that Eleanor didn’t know yet. His father was planning to divorce her mother. The news would devastate Eleanor, as it meant they would no longer share a home, and part of him wanted to go in and deliver the news, to hurt her the way she had unjustly hurt Anna, a girl he still loved. But Alexander made the moral choice not to act out of anger and, with the help of his cane, slowly hobbled across the lobby and exited the building. It was raining now, and he didn’t have an umbrella. But he didn’t care in the slightest.
Out in the New York streets, Anna was soaked to the bone, but after leaving Lincoln Center, she didn’t want to go home, and so she walked. Just like in the song that Lolly had sung so beautifully only fifteen minutes ago to a packed house, Anna stalked the same avenues as Alexander Hamilton once did over two centuries ago, grieving for her love, a golden object turned to dust in her hands as though she were a King Midas in reverse.
For the first twenty blocks she zigzagged with the lights, but as she walked through the eerily empty theater district, she realized there was only one place for her to go.
By the time she entered Grand Central, she was a half-crazed, bedraggled mess. She wiped her wet hair from her face and continued with purpose, passing everyone who couldn’t help but stop and stare at the beautiful girl, wearing a maroon silk dress that dragged a trail of inky water behind her like the residue of some phantom, or the trace of a wraith.
She took the escalator down to Track 27. This was where she’d met him for the first time. The platform was empty, and she walked to the far end where Johnson, the homeless man, lay on Valentine’s Day, grieving over his lost dogs.
At least I had one good Valentine’s Day, she thought bitterly. How did I get here? What should I do? What’s to become of me? Her thoughts swirled. She couldn’t stop hearing the girls’ voices from the bathroom. They call me a whore. They think I deserve everything I get. They hate me. I’ve disgraced my family. I’ve disgraced myself. No one will ever love me again. I’m damaged goods, the inherent vice of high society.
Anna didn’t know how long she had been sitting there in the silence, but she was cold and wet and had never been more miserable in her entire life. When she heard his voice, she thought, I’m going mad. Now I’m a delusional girl who hears voices.
“Anna?”
Anna turned and saw Vronsky standing before her. He, too, was wet, but he had on a rain jacket, which he took off immediately and dropped to the ground. He took off his sports coat and hurried to the pitiful girl on the bench before him, draping it over her shoulders.
“What are you doing here?” Anna asked.
“I came to find you,” he said, unable to tell her anything but what was true.
“Well, here I am,” she said. “Now please go away.”
“It wasn’t me, Anna. I didn’t make that video, and I didn’t release it. It was Eleanor.”
Anna looked up at him. “What? How do you know?”
“Alexander,” Vronsky replied. “He told me. He just found out.”
“That conniving bitch!” Anna whispered. “I should have known!”
“I’m so sorry, Anna,” Vronsky said. “I’ve been desperate to see you. I’ve called every day and left letters with your doorman. Did your parents tell you?”
Anna shook her head. “I’ve been under house arrest. No one tells me anything. It doesn’t matter anyway, Alexia. Haven’t you heard? As my father says, I’m ruined in this town.”
“I don’t care about any of that,” Vronsky said. “I love you, Anna!”
“My dad wants to send me away to give me a fresh start,” Anna said, her voice shaking from the cold. “But I told him I wouldn’t. Do you want to know why?”
“Yes, tell me…”
“Because just like you need to be where I am, I need to be where you are,” Anna said, finally answering the plea in Vronsky’s pale blue eyes. “I love you, too. Even though it’d be easier to hate you. But my father said though the easier path is always more tempting, the harder path is bet
ter in the end. Ironic that his words are bringing me to the last decision in the world he’d want me to make.”
Vronsky couldn’t contain the hope that was building within him. Anna had never uttered those words to him, not once had she said she loved him back. Hearing her speak them was like hearing all the angels in heaven put on a concert just for him. He crossed over to her and tried to sit beside her but she jumped up, recoiling from his touch.
“Get away from me!” she cried out in anguish. “It can never work! It’s too late for us. Everything is shit!”
“But it doesn’t have to be,” he said. “Anna, who cares what people think? I don’t! Fuck everyone but us. We love each other.”
“No, my father would never allow it. And I won’t go back to sneaking around and lying again. I can’t. That’s how this all began, with lies and betrayal. We were doomed from the very beginning!”
“You’re wrong!” Vronsky said. “We didn’t betray anything. We were loyal, Anna, loyal to our love for each other. And we’re not doomed, dammit! We don’t have to be doomed if we don’t want to be. We’re not living in the nineteenth century. Fuck all these stupid society rules of conduct. We have choices, we have free will, we can do whatever we fucking want.”
Again, he approached her. All he wanted was to hold this rain-soaked girl in his arms. She let him hold her, but only for a second before she started hitting him in his chest with her fists, crying hysterically, “No, no, no! It’s too late, Alexia!”
Suddenly, Vronsky felt himself ripped away from Anna. He hadn’t even heard anyone approach, but a pair of hands were pulling him away from his one true love. “Leave her alone!” a man roared. “She’s a good one! She’s a good one!” Anna recognized him immediately. Johnson, the homeless man whose lost dog they returned, was soaking wet, too, his filthy face streaked with sludge.
