by Jenny Lee
“No! Wait, you don’t understand!” Anna screamed.
Vronsky wriggled in the fearsome grip of Johnson’s strength, having no choice but to elbow the older man in the stomach so he could be free. Balboa, the dog they had rescued and who had been watching at a distance, now ran into the fray, snarling and barking. The dog leapt at Vronsky, the man who’d struck his master. Vronsky screamed in pain as the dog’s teeth tore into his leg, and he whirled around, kicking the dog, who yelped, backed off, then attacked again, this time leaping onto the boy’s back as he crouched down, clutching at his bloodied pant leg. Vronsky spun about, moving across the platform, trying to keep the angry beast from ripping into his neck. Anna grabbed the dog’s back leg, yanking with all her might, and Balboa flew off Vronsky, skittering across the floor and dropping down onto the train tracks and out of sight.
Anna screamed and ran to the edge of the platform, and Vronsky watched in horror as she jumped down after the dog.
“Anna! Get back here!” Vronsky cried out, running over as she tried to approach the snarling dog, who stopped baring its teeth, sensing that Anna was a friend.
Vronsky felt a wind from the tunnel and looked to his left at the faraway headlights of an oncoming train. In a flash, he jumped down onto the tracks and grabbed Anna around the waist, but she struggled against him, screaming hysterically. “He fell because of me! How many animals have to die for us? A dog, a deer, a horse! Not another one!”
“The train’s coming!” Vronsky shouted. “I’ll get him, I promise.” He dragged Anna to the side where Johnson was waiting. The homeless man reached down, pulling Anna to safety. Vronsky saw his jacket, which was once on Anna’s shoulders, now crumpled on the tracks. He threw it over the dog’s face and in one quick motion, lunged at Balboa, scooping his wriggling canine body into the jacket and passing him up to his owner.
The train was close, and the unseen conductor laid on the horn, filling the platform with a deafening noise. Vronsky scrambled to the edge, but just before taking Johnson’s outstretched hand, he spotted the shiny silver heart charm he had given Anna for Valentine’s Day with the words YOU and ME engraved on either side. His heart filled with joy, as he realized Anna had been holding onto his heart all along, the whole month when he was wondering if she had given up on him. She had carried the silver charm with her always. Anna loved him. She always had. He had to get it for her.
He doubled back, reaching down and picking up the first gift he had ever given her, then ran back to the ledge, where Johnson was still reaching down as the train shot out of the tunnel. Vronsky grabbed Johnson’s hand, but as Johnson pulled up to lift him out of harm’s way, Vronsky’s hand slipped from the man’s slobbery, rain-slick grasp.
“Anna!” was the last word from Vronsky’s lips, as he fell backward in front of the train.
XXIX
Dustin had stopped by the apartment to see Anna the day before she was leaving to go abroad for Vronsky’s funeral with Steven, Lolly, and her father. He hadn’t seen her since Vronsky’s tragic death a week ago at Grand Central, though he had been checking in with Steven daily to see how she was holding up. Dustin had wanted to offer his condolences in person, especially as Anna had been so kind to him after his brother’s death a few months previous. He found her in her room packing a large suitcase. When he entered, she gave him a rueful smile, and when he hugged her she started to cry.
“It’s good to see you, Dustin,” Anna said.
“Anna, I have to say it in person, and I’m sure you don’t want to talk about it, but I need you to know how very sorry I am for your loss,” Dustin said. “I know how much you loved him.”
“Thanks. I did, I do. I love him so much,” Anna said. “But please, I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. Let’s talk about something else. When is prom?”
Dustin shook his head. “We may not go. It just seems like such a silly thing in light of everything else.”
Anna interrupted him with a ferocity that took him aback. “No!” she cried. “If you and Kimmie don’t go, then you’re just perpetuating the cycle of misery. Please, be happy and dance together. Love needs a victory.”
Dustin didn’t know what to say. Anna’s words were so incredibly sad. Instead he nodded, took a deep breath and said, “We’ll go. You’re right. Love does need a win.”
“Good.” Anna sat down on the bed, suddenly tired from her outburst. “Please send me a picture. I’m sure Kimmie will be the prettiest girl there.”
Dustin nodded in agreement, while he remembered how foolish he had been with his silly youthful goal to walk into prom with a girl from the Hot List, as if something so frivolous would have meant anything in the grand scheme of his life. He’d been a boy then, with stupid notions about life and love, and though only five months had passed since, his entire outlook on the world was radically different. He was a new man, who understood what was truly important. It wasn’t about winning some girl’s affections, it was about finding someone who gets you and who you get right back. It wasn’t about lamenting your losses, it was about celebrating the lives of those you lost by living your own life well.
“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Dustin asked, motioning to Anna’s suitcase.
“Yes, we’re going to Italy for the memorial service,” Anna said softly. “His mother wasn’t going to let me come, but she changed her mind after she found a lot of sketches of me and a few poems he had written in Alexia’s room. She decided Alexia would want me to be there, so she stopped by and invited me herself. We had a good cry together when she gave me copies of his poems.” Anna trailed off and looked down at her hands, hands that would never touch her beloved’s golden curls again. “Though I won’t say good-bye, because I can’t. I’ll love him forever.” Anna was crying again, but she knew Dustin wouldn’t mind, as she had sat by his side while he wept many times over the loss of Nicholas.
Dustin stared at Anna, his heart twisting in his chest for her. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’d witnessed, though Steven told him Anna kept repeating she wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.
“At least I got to tell him I loved him before … before … I just wish I had told him sooner. I wish I had told him every day.”
“The important thing,” Dustin offered, “was that he knew.”
“It was my fault, Dustin,” Anna whispered. “I haven’t said this to anyone, but I’m going to tell you. It was me who insisted on saving that damn dog. He did it for me. If we had left him behind, then Alexia would still be alive.”
“You can’t think that way,” Dustin said, sitting down next to her. “It was a terrible accident. That Johnson guy had him, but he couldn’t pull him up in time. It’s not your fault. How could you have known? You were down there yourself trying to save the dog. It’s not like you asked him to do it while you stood by and watched.”
“But he died saving my life.”
“And I would gladly die to save Kimmie’s. That’s love, Anna. It gives us purpose and strength. Vronsky had no other choice but to save you. He couldn’t have lived with himself if anything happened to you.”
“But now I’m the one who’s alone. How am I supposed to go on without him?”
Dustin put his arm around Anna’s shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “We just do. It could have been you who died by that train, but Vronsky gave his life to make sure it didn’t happen. He did it because he loved you, which, as my brother told me, is the only reason to do anything. You need to honor his love and live the life you were meant to live.”
Anna bit her lip, trying in vain to stop her tears. She wanted to change the subject. “I heard you deferred MIT so you could be with Kimmie for another year,” Anna said.
“Yes, that and I’m also staying in the city to look after my mom. She helped me find a job working at a youth center that specializes in drug addiction.”
Anna looked out her window. “I’m really going to miss the city, and all you guys, Steven and Lolly…”
&n
bsp; Dustin furrowed his brow. “I thought Steven and Lolly were going with you.”
“They are, but I meant after. Did Steven not tell you? I’m not coming back with them after the trip. My father thinks it’s better if I finish school abroad. You know, a fresh start. He’s going to work out of his office in Seoul and I’ll be attending a private girls’ school there.”
Dustin was a little shocked. “I don’t understand, when did this get decided? What about your mom and Steven?”
“This morning. My mom’s going to stay here. They haven’t said they’re getting divorced, but it’s not looking good. And Steven’s going to Deerfield. But since New York’s much closer than where I’ll be, I am counting on you to look after my brother for me, okay?”
“Are you sure about all this?” Dustin asked, staring into Anna’s face, suddenly feeling uneasy. His hands were now clammy.
“My father thinks it’s what’s best.”
“But what do you want, Anna?”
She looked at him for a long time. “I guess right now, I don’t want anything.” She paused and then continued, “Actually that’s not true. I do want one thing. For you and Kimmie to have fun at prom.”
* * *
Dustin and Kimmie left for Dustin’s senior prom when it was still light out, because after taking pictures at Kimmie’s mother’s apartment, they had to go to his mom’s place, where his mom, dad, and a noticeably pregnant Marcy were waiting to snap some photos of the happy couple, as well. Normally, Dustin would not have agreed to the extra hassle, but his mom was finally out of bed and had asked to share in the occasion, so he couldn’t refuse. He was surprised when she informed him that his father and Marcy would be coming over, too, but it made sense. The loss of their son had allowed them to set some of their past differences aside, at least for a little while. Life brought tragedy with the same hand that it brought joy, and Dustin and his beautiful girlfriend going to prom was one joyous moment they would treasure. His parents were rallying around him and Kimmie, and it was springtime in the city, a season of rebirth and renewal.
As Dustin and Kimmie danced to Tina Turner’s “Better Be Good to Me” in the ballroom of the St. Regis hotel, Kimmie listened to the words with a smile because she knew it wasn’t something she needed to worry about when it came to Dustin. She just hoped all the other girls dancing around them took Tina’s words to heart when it came to the boy they were dancing with.
“What are you thinking about, Dustin?” Kimmie asked the boy of her dreams, the boy who she now knew was her first and only true love, as he twirled her on the dance floor. Kimmie had let go of her anger and her black nail polish and combat boots and was back in the color she looked best in—pink. It was okay to be girlie, as long as it was her choice. Lately she had been teaching Dustin to ice-skate, which was going slowly because of his weak ankles, but she didn’t mind. They had plenty of time now that Dustin wouldn’t be leaving for college for another year.
He looked down at the beautiful girl in his arms and told her the truth, his truth. “I’m thinking about … you and me.”
Epilogue
It took a while for Jon Snow and Gemma to settle down on the plane. They had flown private a few times before to Maine, Hawaii, and once from Newfoundland, Canada, which was where they were born. Anna had it in her head after Doozy, her first Newfoundland, died that she couldn’t possibly get another Newfie after she’d already had the perfect one, but a few sleepless nights after Doozy’s death, she was sitting in the dark of the living room in the CPW apartment when her father came home late from work. He didn’t even see her curled up on the couch, but she watched him come into the dark living room and make himself a drink. She was afraid she would scare him, so she stayed very still. But she had been crying and sniffled, and her dad heard.
“Anna?” he asked. “Is that you?”
She nodded in the dark, even though he couldn’t see her. Her father came over and sat next to her. She put her head in his lap like she was still a little girl and cried, telling her dad that it didn’t make sense. Doozy had just celebrated her ninth birthday. (Anna always had a birthday party for Doozy every year, complete with a buttercream frosted cake.) When she came home from the dog park two months later, she’d had a slight limp and then seven days later she was gone, just like that. Her father reminded Anna she was only thirteen years old, so she’d have many more dogs in her lifetime, and that death was as much a part of life as learning to love again was. Love cannot last forever or it wouldn’t be special.
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, Daddy,” she had said. “No offense.”
She told her dad then that she had decided Doozy would be her last Newfoundland and she was already trying to decide what breed her next dog would be.
“Or because you loved Doozy so much,” he said, “you get another one, or even two. Don’t think about it like you’re replacing Dooz, think about it like you are honoring all that was good about her. Loving her, slobber and all, will only make you love your next Newfie even more.”
Anna fell asleep, and her dad carried her to her room, even though she was much too big to be carried off to bed like a baby. The next morning, she felt like she had dreamed the whole thing, but when she looked over onto her bedside table, her dad had placed a piece of paper mentioning a breeder who lived in Newfoundland that was expecting a litter of championship bloodline pups any day now. “We’ll fly there in a few months and you can pick out two. Maybe a brother and sister like you and Steven,” said her father’s handwritten scrawl at the top of the page.
Jon Snow was lying across her feet and Gemma was lying down in the aisle on her left, literally barricading Anna into her seat by three-hundred-plus pounds of dog. She had made the right decision in getting them, or rather, her father had helped her make the right decision.
Anna looked over at her dad who was reading the Financial Times across the aisle from her. Sensing his daughter’s gaze, Edward turned, reached out, and squeezed her hand, but didn’t say anything. After Vronsky died, there were security and cops everywhere. A police officer asked Anna who she wanted him to call, and even though her father had barely been able to look her in the face since the sex tape scandal and had only spoken a handful of sentences to her, she said, “Please call my daddy. He’ll come for me.”
And he did. Since that tragic night at Grand Central, Anna’s father had been doing what he could to mend the relationship with his daughter. He had come to realize he had treated her terribly after the tape scandal and he was ashamed that it took witnessing another parent’s loss of a child to make him see the misguided error of his ways. Every evening after the accident he’d come in her room and apologize to her. Anna said she forgave him. That he shouldn’t even apologize, none of this was his fault. He was a good father. There was something in his daughter’s voice that frightened him when she said this. A week later, the day before they were leaving for Vronsky’s funeral, she awoke to find her father sitting on her bed. He told her after their trip to Italy he had decided they were going to stay abroad. He really felt that what they both needed was a fresh start, and the change of scenery would be good for both of them. She listened while he told her about a famous girls’ school in South Korea where she could finish high school. “You’re only seventeen, baby girl,” he whispered. “You have your whole life ahead of you and I know it’s too soon to say this, but you will love again.”
She didn’t verbally agree to her father’s new plans but had nodded, which satisfied him. She didn’t say yes, because she didn’t want one of her last words to her father to be a lie. Since the moment she lost Alexia on Track 27 in Grand Central, Anna had known what she was going to do. There was no way to go on living without him, even though she knew she’d go from Anna K., rich society sex-tape girl, to a modern-day Juliet, who died for her Romeo.
She went through the motions of packing for the trip, all the while knowing that she’d never board the plane. She had hidden her intentions well, though
she was nervous that Dustin may have sensed something was amiss when he had stopped by earlier to wish her farewell. When her mom came in to say good night, she hugged her and told her she loved her. Anna said it quietly back, though she couldn’t remember the last time they had said it to one another.
At midnight she got up, waking her dogs and shushing them, got dressed, and slipped out of the apartment, leaving letters for her father and Steven under her pillow. She was going to walk to Grand Central, but she was tired, and it seemed so far away, so she hailed a cab, got in and said, “Please take me to Grand Central.” The cab driver asked her where she was going so late at night, and she whispered back, “I’m meeting the boy I love there. His name is Alexia.”
When she got to Track 27, she wanted to cry. The platform was now the home of her greatest happiness and her greatest sorrow. It seemed right that they would both die in the same place, and she hoped if there was an afterlife, she would be better able to find him if they died in the same location. But her tears didn’t come, because she was surprised to see someone sitting on the bench at the end of the platform. This was not part of her plan, having to deal with some stranger on her last night on earth. Anna was too frightened to throw herself in front of a train, which seemed a bit too messy and extreme for her taste. She had googled the right dosage of sleeping pills she would need to get the job done and had gone about finding them around the house. Her mother was a troubled sleeper, so there were all sorts of medications floating about. Her plan was to take them and fall asleep on the bench, like she was waiting for her beloved’s train to come in.
Anna thought about leaving and going back upstairs to wait until the person on the bench left, but before she could, a female voice called out to her. “Yo, you over there. You got a light?” Anna did have a lighter in her purse, because she had also brought a candle, which she had planned to light in Alexia’s honor. She wanted to do a quick memorial service of her own, since she would miss his, and had brought the poems he wrote for her so she could read one aloud.
