The Wouldbegoods: Being the Further Adventures of the Treasure Seekers

by E. Nesbit

  CHAPTER 11. THE BENEVOLENT BAR

  The tramp was very dusty about the feet and legs, and his clothes werevery ragged and dirty, but he had cheerful twinkly grey eyes, and hetouched his cap to the girls when he spoke to us, though a little asthough he would rather not.

  We were on the top of the big wall of the Roman ruin in the Three Treepasture. We had just concluded a severe siege with bows and arrows--theones that were given us to make up for the pistol that was confiscatedafter the sad but not sinful occasion when it shot a fox.

  To avoid accidents that you would be sorry for afterwards, Oswald, inhis thoughtfulness, had decreed that everyone was to wear wire masks.

  Luckily there were plenty of these, because a man who lived in the MoatHouse once went to Rome, where they throw hundreds and thousands ateach other in play, and call it a Comfit Battle or Battaglia di Confetti(that's real Italian). And he wanted to get up that sort of thing amongthe village people--but they were too beastly slack, so he chucked it.

  And in the attic were the wire masks he brought home with him from Rome,which people wear to prevent the nasty comfits getting in their mouthsand eyes.

  So we were all armed to the teeth with masks and arrows, but inattacking or defending a fort your real strength is not in yourequipment, but in your power of Shove. Oswald, Alice, Noel and Dennydefended the fort. We were much the strongest side, but that was howDicky and Oswald picked up.

  The others got in, it is true, but that was only because an arrow hitDicky on the nose, and it bled quarts as usual, though hit onlythrough the wire mask. Then he put into dock for repairs, and while thedefending party weren't looking he sneaked up the wall at the back andshoved Oswald off, and fell on top of him, so that the fort, now thatit had lost its gallant young leader, the life and soul of the besiegedparty, was of course soon overpowered, and had to surrender.

  Then we sat on the top and ate some peppermints Albert's uncle broughtus a bag of from Maidstone when he went to fetch away the Roman potterywe tried to sell the Antiquities with.

  The battle was over, and peace raged among us as we sat in the sun onthe big wall and looked at the fields, all blue and swimming in theheat.

  We saw the tramp coming through the beetfield. He made a dusty blot onthe fair scene.

  When he saw us he came close to the wall, and touched his cap, as I havesaid, and remarked--

  'Excuse me interrupting of your sports, young gentlemen and ladies, butif you could so far oblige as to tell a labouring man the way to thenearest pub. It's a dry day and no error.'

  'The "Rose and Crown" is the best pub,' said Dicky, 'and the landlady isa friend of ours. It's about a mile if you go by the field path.'

  'Lor' love a duck!' said the tramp, 'a mile's a long way, and walking'sa dry job this 'ere weather.' We said we agreed with him.

  'Upon my sacred,' said the tramp, 'if there was a pump handy I believeI'd take a turn at it--I would indeed, so help me if I wouldn't! Thoughwater always upsets me and makes my 'and shaky.'

  We had not cared much about tramps since the adventure of the villainoussailor-man and the Tower of Mystery, but we had the dogs on the wallwith us (Lady was awfully difficult to get up, on account of her longdeer-hound legs), and the position was a strong one, and easy to defend.Besides the tramp did not look like that bad sailor, nor talk like it.And we considerably outnumbered the tramp, anyway.

  Alice nudged Oswald and said something about Sir Philip Sidney and thetramp's need being greater than his, so Oswald was obliged to go to thehole in the top of the wall where we store provisions during sieges andget out the bottle of ginger-beer which he had gone without whenthe others had theirs so as to drink it when he got really thirsty.Meanwhile Alice said--

  'We've got some ginger-beer; my brother's getting it. I hope you won'tmind drinking out of our glass. We can't wash it, you know--unless werinse it out with a little ginger-beer.'

  'Don't ye do it, miss,' he said eagerly; 'never waste good liquor onwashing.'

  The glass was beside us on the wall. Oswald filled it with ginger-beerand handed down the foaming tankard to the tramp. He had to lie on hisyoung stomach to do this.

  The tramp was really quite polite--one of Nature's gentlemen, and a manas well, we found out afterwards. He said--

  'Here's to you!' before he drank. Then he drained the glass till the rimrested on his nose.

  'Swelp me, but I WAS dry,' he said. 'Don't seem to matter much whatit is, this weather, do it?--so long as it's suthink wet. Well, here'sthanking you.'

  'You're very welcome,' said Dora; 'I'm glad you liked it.'

  'Like it?'--said he. 'I don't suppose you know what it's like to have athirst on you. Talk of free schools and free libraries, and free bathsand wash-houses and such! Why don't someone start free DRINKS? He'd be aero, he would. I'd vote for him any day of the week and one over. Ef yerdon't objec I'll set down a bit and put on a pipe.'

  He sat down on the grass and began to smoke. We asked him questionsabout himself, and he told us many of his secret sorrows--especiallyabout there being no work nowadays for an honest man. At last he droppedasleep in the middle of a story about a vestry he worked for that hadn'tacted fair and square by him like he had by them, or it (I don't know ifvestry is singular or plural), and we went home. But before we went weheld a hurried council and collected what money we could from the littlewe had with us (it was ninepence-halfpenny), and wrapped it in an oldenvelope Dicky had in his pocket and put it gently on the billowingmiddle of the poor tramp's sleeping waistcoat, so that he would findit when he woke. None of the dogs said a single syllable while we weredoing this, so we knew they believed him to be poor but honest, and wealways find it safe to take their word for things like that.

  As we went home a brooding silence fell upon us; we found out afterwardsthat those words of the poor tramp's about free drinks had sunk deep inall our hearts, and rankled there.

  After dinner we went out and sat with our feet in the stream. Peopletell you it makes your grub disagree with you to do this just aftermeals, but it never hurts us. There is a fallen willow across the streamthat just seats the eight of us, only the ones at the end can't gettheir feet into the water properly because of the bushes, so we keepchanging places. We had got some liquorice root to chew. This helpsthought. Dora broke a peaceful silence with this speech--

  'Free drinks.'

  The words awoke a response in every breast.

  'I wonder someone doesn't,' H. O. said, leaning back till he nearlytoppled in, and was only saved by Oswald and Alice at their own deadlyperil.

  'Do for goodness sake sit still, H. O.,' observed Alice. 'It would be aglorious act! I wish WE could.'

  'What, sit still?' asked H. O.

  'No, my child,' replied Oswald, 'most of us can do that when we try.Your angel sister was only wishing to set up free drinks for the poorand thirsty.'

  'Not for all of them,' Alice said, 'just a few. Change places now,Dicky. My feet aren't properly wet at all.'

  It is very difficult to change places safely on the willow. The changershave to crawl over the laps of the others, while the rest sit tight andhold on for all they're worth. But the hard task was accomplished andthen Alice went on--

  'And we couldn't do it for always, only a day or two--just while ourmoney held out. Eiffel Tower lemonade's the best, and you get a jollylot of it for your money too. There must be a great many sincerelythirsty persons go along the Dover Road every day.'

  'It wouldn't be bad. We've got a little chink between us,' said Oswald.

  'And then think how the poor grateful creatures would linger and tell usabout their inmost sorrows. It would be most frightfully interesting.We could write all their agonied life histories down afterwards like Allthe Year Round Christmas numbers. Oh, do let's!'

  Alice was wriggling so with earnestness that Dicky thumped her to makeher calm.

  'We might do it, just for one day,' Oswald said, 'but it wouldn't bemuch--only a drop in the ocean compared with the enormous dryn
ess of allthe people in the whole world. Still, every little helps, as the mermaidsaid when she cried into the sea.'

  'I know a piece of poetry about that,' Denny said.

  'Small things are best. Care and unrest To wealth and rank are given, But little things On little wings--

  do something or other, I forget what, but it means the same as Oswaldwas saying about the mermaid.'

  'What are you going to call it?' asked Noel, coming out of a dream.

  'Call what?'

  'The Free Drinks game.'

  'It's a horrid shame If the Free Drinks game Doesn't have a name. You would be to blame If anyone came And--'

  'Oh, shut up!' remarked Dicky. 'You've been making that rot up all thetime we've been talking instead of listening properly.' Dicky hatespoetry. I don't mind it so very much myself, especially Macaulay's andKipling's and Noel's.

  'There was a lot more--"lame" and "dame" and "name" and "game" andthings--and now I've forgotten it,' Noel said in gloom.

  'Never mind,' Alice answered, 'it'll come back to you in the silentwatches of the night; you see if it doesn't. But really, Noel's right,it OUGHT to have a name.'

  'Free Drinks Company.' 'Thirsty Travellers' Rest.' 'The Travellers'joy.'

  These names were suggested, but not cared for extra.

  Then someone said--I think it was Oswald--'Why not "The HouseBeautiful"?'

  'It can't be a house, it must be in the road. It'll only be a stall.'

  'The "Stall Beautiful" is simply silly,' Oswald said.

  'The "Bar Beautiful" then,' said Dicky, who knows what the 'Rose andCrown' bar is like inside, which of course is hidden from girls.

  'Oh, wait a minute,' cried the Dentist, snapping his fingers likehe always does when he is trying to remember things. 'I thought ofsomething, only Daisy tickled me and it's gone--I know--let's call itthe Benevolent Bar!'

  It was exactly right, and told the whole truth in two words.'Benevolent' showed it was free and 'Bar' showed what was free; e.g.things to drink. The 'Benevolent Bar' it was.

  We went home at once to prepare for the morrow, for of course we meantto do it the very next day. Procrastination is you know what--and delaysare dangerous. If we had waited long we might have happened to spend ourmoney on something else.

  The utmost secrecy had to be observed, because Mrs Pettigrew hatestramps. Most people do who keep fowls. Albert's uncle was in London tillthe next evening, so we could not consult him, but we know he is alwayschock full of intelligent sympathy with the poor and needy.

  Acting with the deepest disguise, we made an awning to cover theBenevolent Bar keepers from the searching rays of the monarch of theskies. We found some old striped sun-blinds in the attic, and the girlssewed them together. They were not very big when they were done, so weadded the girls' striped petticoats. I am sorry their petticoats turnup so constantly in my narrative, but they really are very useful,especially when the band is cut off. The girls borrowed Mrs Pettigrew'ssewing-machine; they could not ask her leave without explanations, whichwe did not wish to give just then, and she had lent it to them before.They took it into the cellar to work it, so that she should not hear thenoise and ask bothering questions.

  They had to balance it on one end of the beer-stand. It was not easy.While they were doing the sewing we boys went out and got willow polesand chopped the twigs off, and got ready as well as we could to put upthe awning.

  When we returned a detachment of us went down to the shop in the villagefor Eiffel Tower lemonade. We bought seven-and-sixpence worth; then wemade a great label to say what the bar was for. Then there was nothingelse to do except to make rosettes out of a blue sash of Daisy's to showwe belonged to the Benevolent Bar.

  The next day was as hot as ever. We rose early from our innocentslumbers, and went out to the Dover Road to the spot we had marked downthe day before. It was at a cross-roads, so as to be able to give drinksto as many people as possible.

  We hid the awning and poles behind the hedge and went home to brekker.

  After break we got the big zinc bath they wash clothes in, and afterfilling it with clean water we just had to empty it again because it wastoo heavy to lift. So we carried it vacant to the trysting-spot and leftH. O. and Noel to guard it while we went and fetched separate pails ofwater; very heavy work, and no one who wasn't really benevolent wouldhave bothered about it for an instant. Oswald alone carried three pails.So did Dicky and the Dentist. Then we rolled down some empty barrelsand stood up three of them by the roadside, and put planks on them.This made a very first-class table, and we covered it with the besttablecloth we could find in the linen cupboard. We brought out severalglasses and some teacups--not the best ones, Oswald was firm aboutthat--and the kettle and spirit-lamp and the tea-pot, in case any wearytramp-woman fancied a cup of tea instead of Eiffel Tower. H. O. and Noelhad to go down to the shop for tea; they need not have grumbled; theyhad not carried any of the water. And their having to go the second timewas only because we forgot to tell them to get some real lemons to puton the bar to show what the drink would be like when you got it. The manat the shop kindly gave us tick for the lemons, and we cashed up out ofour next week's pocket-money.

  Two or three people passed while we were getting things ready, butno one said anything except the man who said, 'Bloomin' Sunday-schooltreat', and as it was too early in the day for anyone to be thirsty wedid not stop the wayfarers to tell them their thirst could be slakedwithout cost at our Benevolent Bar.

  But when everything was quite ready, and our blue rosettes fastened onour breasts over our benevolent hearts, we stuck up the great placard wehad made with 'Benevolent Bar. Free Drinks to all Weary Travellers', inwhite wadding on red calico, like Christmas decorations in church. Wehad meant to fasten this to the edge of the awning, but we had to pinit to the front of the tablecloth, because I am sorry to say the awningwent wrong from the first. We could not drive the willow poles into theroad; it was much too hard. And in the ditch it was too soft, besidesbeing no use. So we had just to cover our benevolent heads with ourhats, and take it in turns to go into the shadow of the tree on theother side of the road. For we had pitched our table on the sunny sideof the way, of course, relying on our broken-reed-like awning, andwishing to give it a fair chance.

  Everything looked very nice, and we longed to see somebody reallymiserable come along so as to be able to allieve their distress.

  A man and woman were the first: they stopped and stared, but when Alicesaid, 'Free drinks! Free drinks! Aren't you thirsty?' they said, 'Nothank you,' and went on. Then came a person from the village--he didn'teven say 'Thank you' when we asked him, and Oswald began to fear itmight be like the awful time when we wandered about on Christmas Daytrying to find poor persons and persuade them to eat our Consciencepudding.

  But a man in a blue jersey and a red bundle eased Oswald's fears bybeing willing to drink a glass of lemonade, and even to say, 'Thank you,I'm sure' quite nicely.

  After that it was better. As we had foreseen, there were plenty ofthirsty people walking along the Dover Road, and even some from thecross-road.

  We had had the pleasure of seeing nineteen tumblers drained to the dregsere we tasted any ourselves. Nobody asked for tea.

  More people went by than we gave lemonade to. Some wouldn't have itbecause they were too grand. One man told us he could pay for his ownliquor when he was dry, which, praise be, he wasn't over and above, atpresent; and others asked if we hadn't any beer, and when we said 'No',they said it showed what sort we were--as if the sort was not a goodone, which it is.

  And another man said, 'Slops again! You never get nothing for nothing,not this side of heaven you don't. Look at the bloomin' blue ribbon on'em! Oh, Lor'!' and went on quite sadly without having a drink.

  Our Pig-man who helped us on the Tower of Mystery day went by and wehailed him, and explained it all to him and gave him a drink, and askedhim to call as he came b
ack. He liked it all, and said we were a realgood sort. How different from the man who wanted the beer. Then he wenton.

  One thing I didn't like, and that was the way boys began to gather. Ofcourse we could not refuse to give drinks to any traveller who was oldenough to ask for it, but when one boy had had three glasses of lemonadeand asked for another, Oswald said--

  'I think you've had jolly well enough. You can't be really thirsty afterall that lot.'

  The boy said, 'Oh, can't I? You'll just see if I can't,' and went away.Presently he came back with four other boys, all bigger than Oswald; andthey all asked for lemonade. Oswald gave it to the four new ones, but hewas determined in his behaviour to the other one, and wouldn't give hima drop. Then the five of them went and sat on a gate a little way offand kept laughing in a nasty way, and whenever a boy went by they calledout--

  'I say, 'ere's a go,' and as often as not the new boy would hang aboutwith them. It was disquieting, for though they had nearly all hadlemonade we could see it had not made them friendly.

  A great glorious glow of goodness gladdened (those go all together andare called alliteration) our hearts when we saw our own tramp comingdown the road. The dogs did not growl at him as they had at the boys orthe beer-man. (I did not say before that we had the dogs with us, butof course we had, because we had promised never to go out without them.)Oswald said, 'Hullo,' and the tramp said, 'Hullo.' Then Alice said, 'Yousee we've taken your advice; we're giving free drinks. Doesn't it alllook nice?'

  'It does that,' said the tramp. 'I don't mind if I do.'

  So we gave him two glasses of lemonade succeedingly, and thanked himfor giving us the idea. He said we were very welcome, and if we'd noobjection he'd sit down a bit and put on a pipe. He did, and aftertalking a little more he fell asleep. Drinking anything seemed to end insleep with him. I always thought it was only beer and things made peoplesleepy, but he was not so. When he was asleep he rolled into the ditch,but it did not wake him up.

  The boys were getting very noisy, and they began to shout things, and tomake silly noises with their mouths, and when Oswald and Dicky went overto them and told them to just chuck it, they were worse than ever.I think perhaps Oswald and Dicky might have fought and settledthem--though there were eleven, yet back to back you can always do itagainst overwhelming numbers in a book--only Alice called out--

  'Oswald, here's some more, come back!'

  We went. Three big men were coming down the road, very red and hot, andnot amiable-looking. They stopped in front of the Benevolent Bar andslowly read the wadding and red-stuff label.

  Then one of them said he was blessed, or something like that, andanother said he was too. The third one said, 'Blessed or not, a drink'sa drink. Blue ribbon, though, by ----' (a word you ought not to say,though it is in the Bible and the catechism as well). 'Let's have aliquor, little missy.'

  The dogs were growling, but Oswald thought it best not to take anynotice of what the dogs said, but to give these men each a drink. So hedid. They drank, but not as if they cared about it very much, and thenthey set their glasses down on the table, a liberty no one else hadentered into, and began to try and chaff Oswald. Oswald said in anundervoice to H. O.--

  'Just take charge. I want to speak to the girls a sec. Call if you wantanything.' And then he drew the others away, to say he thought there'dbeen enough of it, and considering the boys and new three men, perhapswe'd better chuck it and go home. We'd been benevolent nearly four hoursanyway.

  While this conversation and the objections of the others were going on,H. O. perpetuated an act which nearly wrecked the Benevolent Bar.

  Of course Oswald was not an eye or ear witness of what happened, butfrom what H. O. said in the calmer moments of later life, I think thiswas about what happened. One of the big disagreeable men said to H. O.--

  'Ain't got such a thing as a drop o' spirit, 'ave yer?'

  H. O. said no, we hadn't, only lemonade and tea.

  'Lemonade and tea! blank' (bad word I told you about) 'and blazes,'replied the bad character, for such he afterwards proved to be. 'What'sTHAT then?'

  He pointed to a bottle labelled Dewar's whisky, which stood on the tablenear the spirit-kettle.

  'Oh, is THAT what you want?' said H. O. kindly.

  The man is understood to have said he should bloomin' well think so, butH. O. is not sure about the 'bloomin'.

  He held out his glass with about half the lemonade in it, and H. O.generously filled up the tumbler out of the bottle, labelled Dewar'swhisky. The man took a great drink, and then suddenly he spat out whathappened to be left in his mouth just then, and began to swear. It wasthen that Oswald and Dicky rushed upon the scene.

  The man was shaking his fist in H. O.'s face, and H. O. was stillholding on to the bottle we had brought out the methylated spirit in forthe lamp, in case of anyone wanting tea, which they hadn't. 'If I wasJim,' said the second ruffian, for such indeed they were, when he hadsnatched the bottle from H. O. and smelt it, 'I'd chuck the whole showover the hedge, so I would, and you young gutter-snipes after it, so Iwouldn't.'

  Oswald saw in a moment that in point of strength, if not numbers, he andhis party were out-matched, and the unfriendly boys were drawing gladlynear. It is no shame to signal for help when in distress--the best shipsdo it every day. Oswald shouted 'Help, help!' Before the words were outof his brave yet trembling lips our own tramp leapt like an antelopefrom the ditch and said--

  'Now then, what's up?'

  The biggest of the three men immediately knocked him down. He lay still.

  The biggest then said, 'Come on--any more of you? Come on!'

  Oswald was so enraged at this cowardly attack that he actually hit outat the big man--and he really got one in just above the belt. Then heshut his eyes, because he felt that now all was indeed up. There wasa shout and a scuffle, and Oswald opened his eyes in astonishment atfinding himself still whole and unimpaired. Our own tramp had artfullysimulated insensibleness, to get the men off their guard, and then hadsuddenly got his arms round a leg each of two of the men, and pulledthem to the ground, helped by Dicky, who saw his game and rushed in atthe same time, exactly like Oswald would have done if he had not had hiseyes shut ready to meet his doom.

  The unpleasant boys shouted, and the third man tried to help hisunrespectable friends, now on their backs involved in a desperatestruggle with our own tramp, who was on top of them, accompanied byDicky. It all happened in a minute, and it was all mixed up. The dogswere growling and barking--Martha had one of the men by the trouserleg and Pincher had another; the girls were screaming like mad and thestrange boys shouted and laughed (little beasts!), and then suddenly ourPig-man came round the corner, and two friends of his with him. Hehad gone and fetched them to take care of us if anything unpleasantoccurred. It was a very thoughtful, and just like him.

  'Fetch the police!' cried the Pig-man in noble tones, and H. O. startedrunning to do it. But the scoundrels struggled from under Dicky and ourtramp, shook off the dogs and some bits of trouser, and fled heavilydown the road.

  Our Pig-man said, 'Get along home!' to the disagreeable boys, and'Shoo'd' them as if they were hens, and they went. H. O. ran back whenthey began to go up the road, and there we were, all standing breathlessin tears on the scene of the late desperate engagement. Oswald gives youhis word of honour that his and Dicky's tears were tears of pure rage.There are such things as tears of pure rage. Anyone who knows will tellyou so.

  We picked up our own tramp and bathed the lump on his forehead withlemonade. The water in the zinc bath had been upset in the struggle.Then he and the Pig-man and his kind friends helped us carry our thingshome.

  The Pig-man advised us on the way not to try these sort of kind actionswithout getting a grown-up to help us. We've been advised this before,but now I really think we shall never try to be benevolent to the poorand needy again. At any rate not unless we know them very well first.

  We have seen our own tramp often since. The Pig-man gave him a job. Hehas got work to
do at last. The Pig-man says he is not such a very badchap, only he will fall asleep after the least drop of drink. We knowthat is his failing. We saw it at once. But it was lucky for us he fellasleep that day near our benevolent bar.

  I will not go into what my father said about it all. There was a gooddeal in it about minding your own business--there generally is in mostof the talkings-to we get. But he gave our tramp a sovereign, and thePig-man says he went to sleep on it for a solid week.