Beefcakes

by Katana Collins

  “Tell us, Elaina,” Mom said. “What’s your latest project down at the town manager’s office?”

  Lainey glanced between the three of us before finally saying, “You know the old mill over on Elm Street? There’s the possibility a new developer might build a new shopping center there.”

  “What?” Liam dropped his fork to his plate, the sound louder than any of us anticipated, making Mom jump in her seat.

  “What sort of shopping center?” I asked. If it was smaller boutiques, that could be fine. Beneficial. Or outlets of designer brands like what they have in other tourist towns. That could work… bring in more visitors who might come into town center and eat lunch or stay the night. So long as it wasn’t…

  “The proposal had a Target and a Starbucks.”

  Damn. That’s what I was afraid of.

  “A Starbucks? It could sink us,” Liam said.

  “Okay,” I gripped his shoulder, giving him a little shake. “Don’t be dramatic.” Though he was right… it certainly wouldn’t help business any. Maple Grove was already full of places to eat and drink coffee. But we really only had a couple of retail shops. “Is it a done deal, yet?”

  Lainey shook her head. “Not yet. I have to get council approval and pitch a new idea… a better idea. Something the town could justify spending the money on.” She nibbled at the end of her asparagus. “If only I had a few hundred thousand dollars laying around. I could buy the mill myself and build something. Something our town could actually use.”

  “Uh… don’t you mean a few million?” I asked. She was wildly mistaken if she thought she could build anything for less than a million.

  She shrugged. “The site itself is five hundred thousand. From there, we could work on federal grant money and fundraising for the rest of the cost.”

  Liam whistled. “That’s a lot of fundraising.”

  “You know what this town needs? A freaking hospital,” I muttered.

  Lainey glanced up at me, her blue eyes wide. “What did you say?”

  Liam rolled his eyes. “We have a hospital,” he said.

  “Yeah, a small one for little emergencies like broken arms. But any real problem and they helicopter you over to Portsmouth or Boston. Hell, for Mom’s cancer treatments, we have to drive to Boston.”

  Mom took a bite of her asparagus. “Our hospital used to be a big deal. It was a teaching hospital a couple decades ago.”

  “What happened to it?” Elaina asked.

  Mom shrugged. “Most of the teaching doctors and residents got better offers at larger hospitals that Maple Grove couldn’t compete with. Their tech developed while ours couldn’t keep up.”

  Elaina sat there silently, her fork halfway to her mouth staring at us. Her eyes were wide, and even though she was looking right at me, I got the impression that she was seeing right through me. “Elaina? Earth to Elaina?” Liam waved his hand in front of her face as he spoke in a sing-song voice.

  She swatted his hand out of her face and abruptly stood up from the table. “I have to go.” Her breath was heavy. Excited. And she grabbed for her purse, slinging it over her shoulder as she smiled at me.

  Let me repeat that. She smiled. At me. That smile fed my soul in a way that nothing else had in years. Maybe ever. My mouth went dry. My heart raced, and for a moment, it was only Lainey, me, and that breathtaking smile of hers.

  “Thank you so much for dinner. I-I hate to run out on you like this… but I have an idea.” As an afterthought, she looked down at the second box of cupcakes that Liam had decorated and brought, pointing at them. “Can I take one for the road?”

  “Sure.” I nodded while Liam simultaneously jumped to his feet, placing his hand over top of the box.

  “No!” he cried out. “Not those ones.”

  Elaina looked taken aback and she physically stepped back. “Oh… Um, it’s okay, I don’t need one I guess.”

  “Liam, what the hell? Give her a cupcake.”

  He glanced between Lainey and me. “Those aren’t for us to eat. They’re, um, a new prototype I wanted your opinion on. Later. After dinner.”

  His eyes widened, like he was trying to say something without words. I didn’t know what he thought he was doing… we could never communicate with just looks like some siblings could. Hell, even Liam and Addy didn’t have that kind of bond and they were twins. “I’ll, uh, get one from the batch you made,” he added. “Inside. Besides, I messed up when baking these earlier. You don’t want them. They’re gross.”

  “What are you talking about? I saw you bake these, and they looked just fine—”

  “I messed up with the, uh, icing… just… just hold on.” Liam ran inside.

  I rolled my eyes, reaching for the box. He was being ridiculous and poor Lainey clearly had something she needed to do. “He’s so weird sometimes,” I said, shaking my head. “Just take one.” I opened the box, immediately regretting it when I saw the cupcakes inside.

  Shit. Note to self… when your brother is acting weird… take heed.

  Inside were half a dozen differently decorated bachelorette party cupcakes with tiny fondant penises resting in the buttercream.

  Elaina’s eyes widened and Mom snorted into her wine glass. “Oh,” Elaina said, covering her mouth. “Well, those are… explicit.”

  Only, the cupcakes weren’t the worst part. On the inside lid of the box, was a picture of Liam and me from Elaina’s sister’s bachelorette party. Scribbled in marker, it said: Enjoy your Beefcakes! <3 Neil & Liam.

  I cringed.

  And even though it wasn’t the picture from the viral meme, the whole thing clearly rubbed Lainey the wrong way.

  She swallowed, shutting the box and looking directly at me. “I think I lost my appetite, anyway.” Her jaw ticked as she walked over to my mom to give her a hug. “Thanks again for letting me crash your dinner, Linda.”

  “Anytime sweetheart,” My mom gave her a sympathetic smile. As Liam came back outside, holding a regular cupcake in hand, Mom shot him a glare that could stop him dead in his tracks. “I promise that usually they aren’t so… inappropriate, these dinners.”

  Liam groaned, setting the cupcake on the table. “You opened the box?”

  Elaina’s hand clenched tighter against where she held her purse straps. “Yep. Sure did.” She turned and walked down the steps of the deck, following the stone path around to the front of the cabin.

  “What the hell dude?” I smacked my brother’s arm.

  “I was trying something new!” he said. “I thought it could be a novelty cupcake for some of the bachelorette parties.”

  I shook my head and took off after Lainey. “Lainey,” I called out after her. “Elaina, wait. Hold up.”

  She paused in front of her car parked next to my jeep, her keys barely visible within her white-knuckled grasp.

  “Sorry about that. Liam… I guess… was experimenting…”

  She spun around to face me, that same anger back in her icy eyes. “I thought you said you weren’t trying to capitalize on that image, Neil?”

  “We’re not! At least, I’m not. If I had anything to do with that back there, would I have opened that box?”

  “Dammit, Neil!” She brought her hands down on my chest and shoved me back. I barely budged, not even rocking back on my heels with the movement. She hit me again, harder this time. Again, I didn’t move, and she gave a frustrated growl.

  “Look, I don’t love Liam’s idea with the… um, erotic cupcakes. But he’s a businessman. And part of that is brainstorming. It doesn’t mean we’re going to have those cupcakes out on display.”

  “Well I would hope not.”

  “Are you kidding? Do you think our mother would really allow that to be what her sweet little Cupcakery became? C’mon, Lainey. What are you really mad about?” She blinked, looking up at me, now only a foot away thanks to her little attempt at physical assault.

  Her chest heaved against the chaste buttoned-up blouse she wore, and I fought my instincts to
dip my gaze to her covered cleavage. Bringing her hands to her collar, she fiddled with the buttons, her fingers ticking nervously as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth.

  I reached out, brushing her bangs back from her forehead. Her eyes drifted closed at my touch, and for a moment, I thought she might lean into my hand.

  I wanted to kiss her again. The desire to press my lips to hers was so strong, I decided to follow that instinct, resting my forehead to hers and brushing the pad of my thumb against where her bottom lip was pinched between her teeth. “You know me. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

  With those words, her eyes snapped open.

  She took a step back until she was nearly flush against her car. “Except, I don’t know you. Not anymore. You’re someone new.”

  I felt my gut tug at that statement. “That’s not true,” I said, my voice a harsh whisper. “I’m still me. If either of us has changed, it’s you.”

  She straightened at that, tugging at the hem of her shirt. “That’s right.” Her words were clipped. “I have changed. Thanks to you.”

  “Fine.” I threw my hands out at my sides. “I’m the devil. I fucked up everything in your life… in this town… hell, in the whole country. Is that what you want to hear?”

  She snorted and rolled her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, Neil. Your leaving me without a goodbye was the best thing that could have happened to me. The best. I’m not looking for apologies. That ship has sailed.”

  “Yeah? Then what are you looking for, Lainey?”

  “To start with, I’m looking for you to start calling me by the right name. Other than that, I want you to take your stupid lewd bakery to some other city who wants that smut in their town.”

  I snickered at that. “Babe, if you think a fondant penis is lewd, then you’re not getting enough action—”

  “I mean it, Neil.” She stepped forward, pointing her finger into the dead center of my chest. “Take your bakery idea elsewhere. Or I will make your lives a nightmare. Do I make myself clear?”

  I nodded. “Crystal.”

  She didn’t say another word, but walked around to the driver’s side door, and yanked it open. After climbing inside, she slammed it shut, and peeled out of my driveway.

  Liam came back out around the side of the house from where he had been obviously listening in the kitchen. “Holy shit,” he whispered. “I’ve never seen her that mad.”

  I felt my scowl deepen and I didn’t tear my eyes away from where she drove away. “No thanks to you,” I muttered.

  Even still… Lainey Dyker ran this town. Or at least, she thought she ran this town. But threatening us? That was too far, even for her. If we wanted to sell penis cupcakes, it was our damn right to do so… whether or not she considered them lewd.

  “We can’t keep those cupcakes out in the store. But we can put up a sign that says: ‘Ask us about our novelty cupcakes.’ We can have a photo album with pictures of the different, uh, bachelorette cake designs.”

  Liam’s brows lifted to his hairline. “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. And we’re going to need a new sign for the front of the store.”

  “Does this mean—”

  “I’m in,” I said, staring at the muddy footprints her ballet flats left on my stone path. “All in.”

  Three Weeks Later…

  I held up a light blue box that had our Beefcakes label printed on the top. “Guerraro,” I called out. “A dozen Beefcakes for Guerraro.” Beefcakes. There was still a part of me that cringed at the name… it wasn’t the most appetizing, but people remembered it, that was for sure.

  A tanned arm shot into the air. “That’s mine!” A beautiful brunette stepped forward from the crowd, shouldering her way to the front. “That’s me,” she said, smiling up at me. Her brown, coal-lined eyes lifted to mine, and she bit her scarlet-stained bottom lip suggestively.

  These days? That was par for the course. The flirting. The way our customers would undress us with their eyes. Granted, we weren’t leaving much to their imagination these days. Liam had come up with a new uniform for us. Aprons with our logo… and no shirt beneath it. He said he didn’t care what pants I wore, no one would be looking at my pants. Unless I turned around. That was a direct Liam quote.

  I had been annoyed with the change of uniform… until I saw Lainey’s face one day as she walked by our large store front window and saw us inside practically half-naked. The red flames that licked her cheeks almost made it worthwhile.

  Almost.

  Not to sound too much like a chick at the moment, but being ogled like this? It wasn’t fun. It was the number one reason I left the competition world. I was so sick of being judged based on my looks and muscles. The amount of people who didn’t think I had a brain? Who just expected me to be some dumb meathead who liked lifting shit above my head? It was more than I could take.

  Most of the customers who came in didn’t want to get to know me. It was funny, Liam’s and my roles in this. I was the face of the business, sure. I was the viral meme that started this insane train. But Liam was the voice of Beefcakes. Women who walked in wanted to touch my bicep, but he was the one getting all the dates. They saw him as relationship material and me as the big, dumb, pretty face.

  Which, frankly, was fine. I didn’t want the dates. I didn’t want the women. And if he did? Then by all means, Liam. Have fun. Have your damn cake and eat it, too.

  Liam also did most of the talking in our interviews—and yes, there’d been a lot of interviews. Every national morning show wanted us to come on and talk about our Beefcakes. Tourism in our sleepy little town had tripled, thanks to that stupid meme. Yes, it was mostly bachelorettes, and there was a small subset of people in town who hated the fact that we were now overrun by twenty-something women wearing sashes and sporting pink flasks. But for the most part? All of Maple Grove’s business owners were reaping the benefits.

  “Uh, hello?” The Guerrero girl stared at me, eyebrow cocked, awaiting my answer to a question I hadn’t paid attention to.

  Shit. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Can I get a selfie?” she repeated again… this time a little more condescending than was necessary. Again… the dumb thing.

  I sighed and stepped out from behind the counter. Being on the register took twice as long these days with all the selfies. “Sure.” I grabbed the cupcake we kept behind the counter for pictures only and balanced it on my bicep, making sure both my hands were visible in the image.

  She snapped a quick photo, handed me forty dollars for the cupcakes, then slipped a business card across the counter. “Any chance you could give this to Liam?” she asked.

  I glanced to my right where Liam was boxing up some of our cookies for a redhead batting her eyes at him.

  I put my finger on the card and pushed it back to her. “I could. Or you could go give it to him yourself.”

  I had no doubts Liam would call her… eventually. He had a queue of business cards and dates lined up.

  Her smile widened. “Yeah?” She brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Do you think he’d be interested in me?”

  “Probably,” I said, leaving out the thought that he’d be interested in any woman who could stand upright. Never in a million years did I think Liam would become the manwhore of the Evans brothers. Yet, here we were.

  If Liam was the manwhore, then I guess that sort of made me his pimp.

  An older woman entered the bakery in ripped jeans and a white tee shirt. She glanced around, snapping some photos with her cell phone before tucking it back into her pocket. I studied her… she was different from our usual customers. She wasn’t sporting a diamond on her ring finger. She wasn’t dolled up to try to get our attention. She wasn’t old enough to be a mother of the bride. And she didn’t seem as interested in our baked goods as she was with the space in general.

  She crossed around the side of the counter and peeked behind where our espresso machine was.

  “Uh, can I help you?” I a
sked.

  She smiled and waved at me. “Hi, I’m Margie, just here to scope out the lights and the shop.” She gave me a dismissive wave and walked behind the counter with such abrasive authority, I almost let her. Almost. “This is a tight space. Is that warehouse behind the building vacant?”

  I didn’t answer her question; instead, I stepped in front of her, placing my hands on my hips and blocking her path. “You’re not allowed to be back here.”

  “Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m from the show.”

  “What show?”

  She gave me a weird look. “Your show.”

  “I don’t have a show.”

  She rolled her eyes and tried to move past me. “I don’t have time for this.” She tugged a measuring tape from her pocket and measured the space between our front counter and back counter.

  I should have known this would happen. The sort of attention we’d been getting could really bring out the crazies.

  “Okay,” I said, grabbing my cell phone. “Let’s see then if the cops have time for this.”

  “The cops?!” she exclaimed and that seemed to get her attention. The bells above the door chimed, and I looked up to see Ash and Jude, two of my best friends from LA. We had met in Boston in undergrad right after I had left Maple Grove and we all moved to Hollywood after graduation in hopes of pursuing our dreams.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I laughed, rushing over to hug my friends, forgetting all about the crazy woman trying to measure our counters. Ash’s laugh was deep and booming as he hugged me back, and Jude shook my hand first before pulling me into a hug.

  “We heard that an ex-Mr. Universe had gone viral running a new cupcake bakery, and we had to come see it for ourselves.” Ash covered his laugh with the back of his hand.

  “And it’s true,” Jude said, arms outspread, gesturing to the bakery around us.

  From behind us, the crazy woman sighed. “This space is really tight, Ash. I don’t know how you plan to get all my lights in here.”

  All our eyes swung around to the woman behind my counters. I hitched my thumb over my shoulder. “What the hell is she talking about?”