Beefcakes

by Katana Collins

  I sighed as she finished her answer. She had no idea about the bullet I had just dodged for her. And with any luck, she’d never learn. Knowing Lainey? The wrong question would cause her to quit the show entirely—walk off set and never look back. Honestly? That couldn’t happen. I was not doing this without her. End of story.

  “Cut,” Elliott called out and crossed to me, pulling me away from the girls. Leaning in, he whispered, “I’ll let you get away with that once… but the next damn card you better read word for word.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Or what?” I held more of the cards here, literally and figuratively, and Elliott knew it. Yes, we had signed a contract, but nothing in that contract stated I needed to be cooperative. What’s the worst thing they could do? Kick us off the show? Yeah, monetarily that would suck, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

  Elliott sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You have to trust me here,” he said, and for the first time since we met, he actually sounded human. “These questions are designed to get viewers to fall in love with Elaina. But they can’t do that with superficial questions. They need to see her vulnerable. They need to see the past connection you two had.”

  I nodded, understanding finally. The question about her virginity wasn’t meant to embarrass her—it was meant to show that we had serious history, unlike my relationships with the other women. I swallowed, flipping to the next card as I took my seat once more. My lines were written for me.

  At the top it said: Lainey, can I call you Lainey? Even though both Elliott and I knew the answer to that was a big, fat no.

  “And action,” Elliott said.

  I cleared my throat. Oh boy, this was not going to go over well. “Lainey,” I said, reading the card word for word. “Can I call you Lainey?”

  Her eyes narrowed at me. “Only if you want me to knee you in the groin.”

  I chuckled. That was my Lainey. “Noted. I mean, I’m kinky, but we haven’t seen each other in a decade. Maybe we should have a date first.”

  Her nostrils flared, but I continued reading the card. “Most people know that our image went viral with a caption war to fill in the thought bubble over your head. Can you tell me what was really going through your head at the time of that photo?”

  Lainey swallowed, and the movement against her throat did nothing to alleviate the tension in her shoulders. She sat taller, stiffer. And after a brief moment, she blinked, looked up at the camera first, then at me. “I was thinking how I don’t fit in most places.”

  She averted her eyes and became quiet, wringing her hands in her lap. From behind the camera, Elliott made a hand gesture for her to elaborate.

  “I, um, was at my sister’s bachelorette party. A party I planned entirely on my own for her and her friends. Then you and your brother showed up, and everyone started laughing and drinking and, well, uh, admiring both of your muscles. I just felt awkward. Like, by being there and trying to be a party girl, I was being someone I wasn’t anymore. I used to be a party girl… or at least, I pretended to be. But it was mostly just something I was trying on for size. It wasn’t who I was. And…” she paused, glancing back up at me. “When we were in high school, it got your attention. Attention I’d never had from a boy before. Even still, it wasn’t really who I was. And in that moment of the photo, I felt like I was back in high school and caught between pretending to be someone I wasn’t and staying true to myself.”

  Silence rang through us as she finished talking and dropped her gaze to her hands once more. I opened my mouth to say something—anything—but before I could, Elliott stepped forward. “Cut,” he said. “I think that’s a wrap for tonight. That was great. We got a ton of good stuff there.” He started pointing at some of the crew, instructing them on what to do next before turning back to all of us. “Take these diary cameras home with you,” he said, handing out small video cameras to all of us. “They have little tripods on them so you can film your thoughts. I want as many video diaries as you can take. Tomorrow, you’re each getting a date with Neil.”

  “All in one day?” I asked.

  “We’re going to do at least two tomorrow. Preferably more, though, if there’s time.”

  I groaned, and Lainey stood, grabbing her bag from behind my counter. “I have a meeting tomorrow morning. A really important meeting.”

  Elliott waved her concern away. “We’ll start with the others first and get to you later.”

  Elaina nodded and the other girls groaned. “Guess that means an early morning for us,” Margarita grumbled.

  “Great,” Elliott said, clapping his hands together. “Get some rest and I’ll see you all in the morning.”

  As everyone stood, beginning to clear out, Lainey bee lined for the exit, not bothering to wash her face or take off the dress they’d put her in. “Lainey,” I said, managing to stop her just before she reached the door.

  “Neil, don’t.” Her voice cracked, sending a spike of pain directly into my heart.

  “You were just pretending to be a party girl? That doesn’t sound like—”

  “What about don’t do you not understand?” She spun to face me, her eyes wide and angry. The sudden shift of her demeanor left me speechless. I stumbled back a step, holding my hands out in front of me.

  “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I just… I had no idea.”

  “Of course you didn’t. Because you left. You left before you could ever see the other side of me. The real side. The side you’d never seen because before my senior year you didn’t know I existed.” She threw open the door and stomped out into the night toward her car.

  I almost let her go. Almost. But what the hell did she mean that I never saw the real side of her? That was bullshit. I yanked the door open and ran after her. “I saw the real you, Lainey. I saw you when you and I were just freshmen. You had the locker right next to the gym and I’d see you taking bites of your lunch while standing there so that you wouldn’t have to go into the cafeteria alone. I saw as you made friends and slowly came out of your shell. I tried to talk to you for years. I’d say hello every time we walked by each other, but you would just bow your head, tuck your hair behind your ear, and keep walking.”

  I paused to take a breath, and Lainey’s mouth was gaping open. “That first night you spoke to me at our senior kickoff night before school started? It was the best night of my life. That Lainey, the one from senior year, managed to have fun and let loose and still maintain her real self, despite how you remember it.”

  She snorted and shook her head, turning to unlock her car door. “You have no idea, Neil.”

  “Okay, fine. If you weren’t your real self with me, how would I know that you could write an English paper in a night if you needed to, but you preferred to have at least a week to get it done?” I paused. “The real Lainey read Little Women every year during her Christmas break. The real Lainey cared about a lot of things—including school, but also including her friends and football games and prom.” Elaina’s hand was frozen on the door handle as though she were balancing her body upright. “The real Elaina didn’t get drunk on weeknights but would still come out and have fun with the rest of us. No one was pressuring you. They just enjoyed you being there. Maybe they were both real sides of you, Lainey. You had fun in those days, didn’t you? I remember you and Addy laughing and growing close. And you still maintained your grades and got into an Ivy League school with a scholarship. One doesn’t have to be exclusive of the other. You don’t have to be a hermit in order to be smart and successful. You can enjoy life while also being responsible and intelligent and successful.”

  She shook her head, “You don’t get it.” She turned to me, and her eyes were like silver orbs in the moonlight. “You leaving, even though it hurt, was the best thing to happen in my life. It snapped me out of that stupid party girl phase. Yeah, some of it was fun. But most of it was something I felt I had to do to be popular. Once it started, it was like an avalanche. If I stopped partying, if I stopped sneaking out
at night, would I lose all these friends I’d finally gotten? Everything I did, I worried that no one would like me if I went back to being smart, studious Elaina. No one thought I deserved to be the girl on Neil Evans’s arm. Hell, they still don’t think that. Look at those girls in there! They cannot even conceive of why you might have liked me once.”

  “Who gives a fuck about them, Lainey? I don’t. I haven’t thought about any of those women in years. But you? I’ve thought of you every day for the past decade… even if it was just once a day. One fleeting thought or memory. Not a day passed that you weren’t in my thoughts at least once. Can you honestly tell me that you didn’t think of me during our time apart?”

  She sniffled and swiped at her cheek with the back of her hand. In the darkness of night, I couldn’t see the tear that I knew had fallen. “I honestly didn’t. I couldn’t let myself think of you. It hurt too damn much, Neil.” Her jaw ticked. “But I knew… I learned that you leaving was the best thing to happen to me. If you had stayed in Maple Grove, I probably wouldn’t have gone to Harvard. I would have chosen you over my education.” She snorted and shook her head, looking into the navy sky. “I’m not blaming you for that. But don’t stand there and tell me I was better off as that girl. Or that Lainey Dyker was smart. Because no intelligent girl in her right mind would choose a boy over Harvard.”

  I was stunned, speechless, as she yanked open her car door, slid into the driver’s seat, and slammed it shut.

  I stepped forward, wrapping my knuckles gently against the window. She rolled it down and sighed. “What Neil? I’m tired. I’m hungry. My face is itchy, and I think the stupid Benadryl is wearing off. I need to be up tomorrow for a city council meeting—”

  I leaned through the window and kissed her. I closed my hands carefully around her jaw, pulling her deeper into the kiss and she parted those lush, full lips for me without a single objection. The steady rhythm of my heart crashed against my breastbone like a drummer keeping beat. Slick heat brushed my bottom lip… a stroke of Lainey’s tongue. There was a sharp twinge of pain at my scalp that melted into a shivery cascade of tingles as I felt her fingers thread through my hair and tug.

  With a moan, we parted, but not before I sucked on her bottom lip, laving one last time against her swollen mouth.

  I’m not sure what compelled me to do it. We were both broken from our past. Both of us made choices based on the other person. For that moment, I just wanted to feel like my old self. I wanted her to remember who she was. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was all bad and she had been pretending to be someone she wasn’t. But the Lainey I knew had a balanced life, unlike Elaina—who lived to work.

  I clutched the car with both hands. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough as you were. But for the record, I wouldn’t have let you not go to Harvard. That was your dream, Lainey. It was always your dream. We would have made it work.”

  She blinked and her fingers lifted, touching her bottom lip. “But you left without a goodbye. So, I guess we’ll never know.”

  With that, she started the car and drove off.

  Note to self: Do not take Benadryl right before being filmed for a nationally syndicated reality show.

  I groaned, rolling over in my bed as my alarm blared the next morning. Throwing the covers off my body, I got up and padded my way to the bathroom. I jumped as I saw my reflection. Holy crap. Even though I had scrubbed the foundation off my face last night, I hadn’t bothered with the eye makeup, and now half of it was running down below my eyes. I looked like a Kiss concert gone wrong.

  I rubbed my hands over my face, and my cheeks bloomed with two pink splotches as I remembered my stupid answer to Neil’s question. My phone beeped, and I glanced down at the text on the screen as I swiped a cotton ball across my eyelid.

  Elliott: When can we expect you to move into the artist residency?

  I groaned. I had completely forgotten that I’d agreed to that. Granted, living with my mother and father since the breakup wasn’t all that glamorous, but it was certainly better than moving into the same place as Neil.

  Then again, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. We would be in different cabins… completely different buildings. Sort of like if we were just living in the same neighborhood. And the residency center was right on the lake. It would almost feel like a vacation getaway… with the one man who could get under my skin like no other.

  I groaned, grabbed my phone, and punched in a quick reply.

  I figured I’d only have to move in if I got voted in for the rest of the episodes.

  His reply was almost immediate.

  Elliott: Oh, you’ll get voted in. After last night’s interview? America will love you.

  I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant, but I didn’t like it. And I definitely didn’t trust it. As I thought about my response, my phone beeped again.

  Elliott: Don’t forget to do your video diary this morning.

  Great. Just great. I glanced at the time and thankfully had twenty minutes before I needed to get to the office.

  After a few more swipes with cotton balls below my eyes, I gave up trying to remove the eye makeup and instead shoved my toothbrush between my lips, scrubbing my teeth.

  Why in God’s name did I get so deep last night on camera? Why did I tell them all that? Benadryl. That’s why. No one in their right mind gets on reality TV and bears their soul like I did. That was crazy.

  And that kiss? What in God’s name possessed Neil to kiss me like that? I know I was certainly not giving him any signals. Or… was I?

  No. I was definitely not. But… it was a great kiss. He’d gotten even better in that department since we were eighteen. Which didn’t surprise me. He’d always had talent.

  I put on my makeup for work, which typically wasn’t a lot anyway, but my skin still felt raw and sensitive, so I skipped the foundation entirely and opted instead for just a little concealer under the eyes.

  I set up the camera on its little tripod, sat cross-legged on my bed, and hit record.

  “Morning,” I said to the camera feeling utterly ridiculous. I even gave it a little wave. “So, last night was interesting. I got very real with Neil… maybe to my detriment on the show. I just… I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. My body is literally rejecting being on television. Look!” I leaned forward, pointing out the hives to the camera. “See that? That rash is from the makeup they used on me. This… lights, makeup, cameras… this just isn’t my life.” I gulped, looking down at my hands and wringing them in my lap. “Maybe that’s why we didn’t make it the first time,” I said quietly. It was a thought I’d had so many times, but had never stated aloud. “I’ve always wondered ever since the day he left, why I wasn’t enough for him. Why couldn’t my love, our love, be enough?”

  I twisted the pendant on my necklace, spinning the cool metal in my fingers.

  “You were enough,” a deep voice said from behind me.

  I screamed and slammed my hand down on the record button to stop it, spinning around to find Neil standing in my bedroom doorway. “Neil?” I pressed my palm against my racing heartbeat. “What the hell? How did you get in here?”

  “Sorry,” he chuckled. But that bastard didn’t sound sorry at all. “Your mother let me in.”

  “How much of that did you hear?”

  “Not all of it. But enough.” He leaned against the doorframe, his massive muscles taking up almost the entirety of the space. “I didn’t leave because of you, Elaina,” he said.

  I unfolded my legs, pushed up off of my bed, and tucked the camera into a drawer on my nightstand. “Yeah? Well, I wasn’t enough to keep you here either.”

  “Is that what you would have wanted? For me to stay… wait around Maple Grove for you to come back from your Ivy League school?”

  “Don’t put words into my mouth,” I whispered. “It’s not that you left. It’s how you left. And then the irony that it all could have been avoided. That you ended up in Boston anyway for school.”<
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  “You would have always questioned whether or not I moved to Boston to follow you. Maybe I would have always questioned that about myself, too.” Neil shook his head, but a smile twisted his mouth. That was always the thing about Neil. He could always find a reason to smile, even during a fight. “Regardless, we still wouldn’t have worked. Eventually, you would have met a Harvard man, and all your friends would have wondered why you were with such a meathead.”

  “You’re not a meathead,” I whispered.

  “I know,” he said. “But that’s what others would have said.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Who cares what other people would have said? I never cared—”

  “Well, duh, you didn’t care. Because they weren’t saying it about you.”

  “Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes. “They said plenty about me. They still do. Just look at those memes. You don’t think each of your other exes were wondering to themselves why Neil ever dated such a nerd?”

  “Shayla would not have said that about you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, fine. But Margarita and Gretchen at least thought it.”

  “They’re bitchy! Why do you think they’re my exes?” He inhaled deeply, pressing his full lips together. Lips that had been on mine mere hours ago. “I’m sorry they made you feel that way,” he said. “You’re not a nerd.”

  I raised my brow at him. I kind of was a nerd. And I was okay with it… now. Now that I was older and wiser, and “nerd” meant so much more to me than it did when we were in high school. His mouth lifted. “Well… if you are, you’re the sexiest nerd I’ve ever seen. Besides, I would rather be talked about for being ‘nerdy’ than for being dumb. Everyone thought I got by on my looks and looks alone. They said the reason my dick was so big was because all my brains went to the other head.”