“The tattoo on your back.”
“You mean the tramp stamp. I hate it. I’m going to get rid of it someday.”
Of course he’d seen her tattoo. She’d known he had when they had sex that night, but they’d never talked about it. Hell, they’d never talked about much of anything after that night.
Her fault because she’d run away.
Again.
No more. She was tired of running.
“You can do that anytime. I’ll help you get it done.”
Her heart flipped. “It’s expensive. And it’s not your problem. It’s mine.”
“Baby, when are you gonna understand? We’re getting married. That makes it my problem. If you hate it, we’ll get it removed. Or covered. Whatever you prefer. One of the guys at work is married to a tattoo artist. Her name’s Eva, and she used to ink for a motorcycle club. She could probably cover it if you wanted to go that route.”
“Really? Wow.”
The stamp wasn’t too big, thankfully. It was a skull and crossbones in gray and white with the letters K.O.D. inked above the design. She’d felt so wicked getting it, and then she’d grown to hate it. She’d never thought of covering it up before. She’d always wanted it gone, but maybe a redesign was something to consider.
“Yeah. I’ve seen her work. It’s good. I’ve been planning to get something new myself, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. We could go see her together if you want. It’s one option. Doesn’t hurt to see what she says.”
“That would be great.”
He ran a palm up her arm, down again. “Any other shitty things you did that you want to tell me?”
“You don’t think that’s shitty enough? Lying about who Ana’s father was, leaving her with my sister without telling her where I was going, suspecting the Kings of Doom were far worse than they seemed and blissfully ignoring the evidence? Oh, and I lied about my identity and I dropped off the face of the earth and didn’t contact Bailey for months while she was worried sick about me. She didn’t even know I’d had a baby until I showed up on her doorstep and dropped her niece in her lap.”
Kayla’s throat ached and her eyes stung. Zach stroked her hair, cradled her tenderly, and the tears built inside until she had to gulp them down or never stop crying.
“You were a twenty-one year old girl who listened to a man’s lies. You did the best you could while pregnant and cut off from your family. You made mistakes, but you didn’t give up. And you fought for your baby when you realized what Dunn intended. You aren’t a terrible person, Kayla. You’re brave. I think you did a fucking amazing job of getting out of that situation. I’ve watched you with Ana, and I think you’re a great mom. You’re fierce and determined, and you’d sacrifice yourself in a second if you thought it would save her.”
Kayla sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut. What the hell was he doing to her? He made her tremble inside, and he made her look at things in a different light. Was she brave? She didn’t feel brave when she’d banged on his door a few nights ago and begged him to marry her and keep her and Ana safe. She’d felt like a lost little girl searching for someone to hand all her burdens to. Giving up responsibility as usual.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” she whispered.
“Yeah, I do. Stop beating yourself up, Kayla. Give yourself credit for being the fierce mama bear you are.”
The ache in her heart was intense, but it wasn’t a terrible ache. It was an ache that spoke of strong emotion and gratitude. For this man.
Zach Anderson said things to her that no one else had said. It was like he saw deep inside her and pulled out the shiny parts. The golden, happy parts. She adored him for it even while she wasn’t entirely sure she believed him. Maybe he was the kind of guy who saw the good in everyone, or maybe he knew exactly what he was doing and said what she needed to hear when she needed to hear it, whether or not it was true.
Like James had, though he’d never actually seen this deeply into her.
Zach isn’t like that. You know he’s not.
“I’m trying,” she managed while her brain whirled with confusing thoughts.
“I know you are.”
There was a wail from the bedroom that had Kayla bolting upright. Zach got up too. “She rarely wakes once she’s down, but sometimes she does. I need to check on her.”
“I’ll come with you, if that’s all right.”
She didn’t hesitate. “Of course.”
Kayla pushed the bedroom door open. Ana was sitting up in her crib, crying. Kayla went over to check her.
“Wet diaper,” she said. “An easy fix.”
Her heart pounded as she retrieved the changing pad and a fresh diaper from the bag. She couldn’t get over Zach telling her she was brave and fierce, not the cowardly liar she’d always thought she was. It was monumental to her. Bailey had said similar things to her, but Bailey was her sister. Bailey was supposed to see the best parts of her.
Nobody else had to.
“Let me help,” Zach said, taking the changing pad and placing it on the bed for her.
“Thank you.”
Kayla put Ana on the pad and changed her. Zach took the dirty diaper and left the room. She didn’t know where he was taking it but she finished with Ana and rocked her a bit before putting her in the crib again. When she turned around, Zach was in the doorway.
“Do you need anything?”
“No. Thank you for taking care of the diaper.”
“No problem. I took it outside and threw it in the trash.”
They looked at each other for a long moment. Kayla’s heart throbbed with emotion but she didn’t know what to say.
“I think I’m headed to bed,” Zach finally said. “I’ve got to be at work at six.”
Disappointment flared deep inside. She didn’t know what she’d expected him to say, but she hadn’t expected him to leave her just yet. “Okay. What time should I be ready to leave in the morning?”
“You don’t have to get up when I do. I’ll leave a key on the kitchen table. It’s yours.”
“Thank you, Zach. For everything.”
“You’re welcome, Kayla.”
“I had fun tonight.”
“So did I.”
“Goodnight,” she said quietly.
He shut the door and left her alone. It was a long time before she slept.
Chapter Ten
It was before eight when Kayla went into the kitchen to find coffee and a note from Zach on the counter.
I made coffee for you. Eat whatever you like. There’s cereal or bagels and cream cheese. The dairy is all good. I sniffed it. Here’s the key. Have a good day, beautiful. I’ll call you later. Z
Kayla laughed. He’d sniffed the dairy. Such a man thing to do. She went over and grabbed a bagel from the bag he’d left on the counter and popped it into the toaster. Ana was in her playpen in the living room where Kayla had turned on a morning show so she could listen to the news while she fixed breakfast. She poured a cup of coffee, then found a small pan, added water, and turned on the gas so she could make oatmeal for Ana.
Kayla felt pretty good, all things considered. She’d finally fallen asleep around midnight, and she’d slept better than she had in a few days now. Maybe being in Zach’s house let her relax enough to finally sleep without fear. The fear was still there, humming along at a low frequency now that she was awake and Zach was gone.
The bagel popped up and she grabbed the cream cheese from the fridge. There wasn’t much in the fridge, which told her that Zach ate out a lot, but he had a few staples like cream cheese and milk and cream for coffee. There was butter and cheese, and some apples too. A couple of eggs.
Kayla fixed the bagel and took a bite. The water wasn’t ready yet so she stood and waited while the television blared in the background and Ana chirped from time to time as she reacted to the show’s hosts or played with her toys.
A knock on the door made Kayla jerk. Coffee spilled over the side of the mug
and dripped onto the counter. Kayla grabbed a paper towel to swish it up while telling herself to be calm. Just be calm. It could be anything.
It wasn’t very likely that the asshole who’d stalked her on the street in front of the salon would find her here instead of at Bailey’s place.
She went over to the front door and peered out the peephole, telling herself she didn’t have to answer it if she didn’t want to.
But it was Chloe. Relief flooded Kayla as she opened the door. “Hey, Chloe.”
Chloe squealed. “I knew that was your car! You and Zach finally figuring it out?”
Kayla blinked as she stood back to let Chloe in. The other woman was wearing a long skirt, glittery sandals, and a lacy top. She always looked so pretty and put together.
And happy. Kayla envied her that.
“Yes, I think we are,” she said.
“Hot damn. Ryan about had a cow this morning. He said it’s about darn time. I told him not to count his chickens yet.”
Kayla laughed. She loved that Chloe spoke country. It was almost like being back in Tennessee where she’d been born.
“Never count the chickens before they hatch. But we’ll see.”
“Oh my goodness, is that my little Ana-banana?” Chloe said as she spotted Ana in her playpen. Ana chortled with glee as Chloe went over and picked her up. Chloe turned to study Kayla. “You both spent the night. Wow.”
Kayla felt her face heating. “Nothing happened. I slept in Ryan’s old room.”
“Well, pooh. But baby steps, right?”
“Right.”
“Oh honey,” Chloe said, “I know you’ve been hung up on him for a while. I think he’s hung up on you too. I mean I never wanted to say anything, because it wasn’t my business, but the way you look at each other.” She shook her head and bounced Ana on her hip. “Sizzling, little princess. That’s what it was. Sizzling, and almost… mournful.”
“Mournful?” Kayla asked, surprised at the word choice. And the insight.
“Well, yeah. Like you wanted each other so bad but there was a giant barbed-wire fence between you, and you couldn’t figure out how to scale it.”
“Wow. That obvious, huh?” At least on her part. She didn’t know about Zach. Surely he hadn’t been pining for her the way she had him.
“Yep.”
“So when you said Zach was hung up on someone the other day at the salon… you meant me?”
Chloe gave her a duh look. “Well of course you. Who else?”
Heat flooded her. “I don’t know. I just thought….”
“Honey, I didn’t want to say it to JoJo and Avery if you weren’t going to claim the man, but believe me, I’m pretty sure he’s yours.”
Kayla’s heart thumped. She certainly wished it was true even if she wasn’t entirely certain. I mean yes, he was marrying her to protect her and Ana. And when he touched her, she melted for him. But that didn’t mean he was hers.
Did it?
“You want coffee?” she asked, tamping down the chaotic thoughts before they drove her crazy. “I was just fixing Ana’s breakfast.”
“Sure thing, sugar. I had a cup with Ryan, but I could use another.”
They went into the kitchen and Chloe sat at the little table with Ana in her lap. Ana promptly reached for the placemat that was there, but Chloe headed her off by pushing it away. Kayla poured coffee and brought it to Chloe along with the cream and sugar.
Kayla went back to fixing the oatmeal packet she’d brought for Ana and took another bite of her bagel. Then she wiped her mouth and gulped the bite down. “I’m sorry. Did you want a bagel?”
“No thanks, honey. I ate with Ryan.”
Kayla tested the oatmeal. It was done, so she put it in a bowl and took it to the table. “I can take her.”
“I don’t mind feeding her. Unless you prefer to.”
Kayla smiled as she sat. She loved these friends of hers who adored Ana. She’d never had friends like Chloe and Avery before. And definitely none like JoJo. “No, that’s fine. You go ahead.”
Chloe dipped the spoon in the oatmeal while Kayla fastened Ana’s bib around her neck and sat down again. Chloe blew on the oatmeal to cool it, then started to make train noises. “Here comes the choo-choo, Ana-banana.”
Ana opened obediently.
“Do you want one?” Kayla asked.
Chloe looked up. “A baby?”
“Yes.”
“Someday. I’m not ready yet though. I want to spend time with Ryan first, make sure we’re really ready before we go there. We’ve only been together a little over two months, and we’re still planning a wedding.”
Kayla thought of Zach and all they’d been talking about. “Have you ever thought about just getting married at the courthouse and to heck with the big wedding?”
Chloe blinked. “Truthfully? Yes. But Ryan wants me to have the white dress and the special day. And I want it too, but sometimes I think it would be easier to just get married.”
“But then you run the risk of disappointing friends and family.”
“True. Though you can always have a reception later, right?”
Kayla nodded.
“Still, I’m Southern. I’ve always wanted the white wedding with all the traditions. And there’s no hurry, so that’s what we’re going to do.”
“No, there’s no hurry for any of it. Not even babies,” Kayla said. “But to tell you the truth, I don’t think you’re ever ready for a baby. Not until it happens, and then it’s sink or swim.”
“Probably true. I guess you can think yourself to death on babies.”
“You can.” Kayla sighed. “I didn’t plan to have Ana, but it happened. I’m not sorry, but I won’t say it’s been easy either.”
“You don’t have to explain. In fact, I should apologize.”
Kayla blinked. “What for?”
“For saying I wasn’t ready and needed to think. I mean it kind of implies that I think having a baby right away is somehow bad or something. Like I’m judging you for having this little one.”
“I didn’t take it that way at all. Honestly. It’s good to think about a baby. They aren’t dolls, and they have needs. I didn’t get the chance to think about it, but that’s my fault.”
“And the father’s,” Chloe added.
“Well, yes.” Kayla bit into the bagel. Chewed. Chloe continued to feed Ana, and Kayla made a decision. She couldn’t talk to Bailey about this, but maybe she could talk to Chloe. She knew Chloe had gone through something, but not exactly what. “He’s in prison. You probably know that.”
Chloe looked up. “I’d heard.”
“He’s a pimp and a dealer. Probably a murderer too.”
“Oh honey. I understand. I really do. My ex was… well, he was abusive, and though he skated the line of criminal activity, he crossed it in the end. He’s dead now, and I’m not sorry at all. I’m glad. May the good Lord forgive me,” she added.
“I wish James was dead,” Kayla said vehemently. “He tried to sell Ana to a black market adoption agency.”
Chloe’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my God! That’s evil!”
“Yes,” Kayla said bitterly. “It is. He never wanted her, but he saw an opportunity to make money off her. There are rich people who will pay a lot for a no questions asked adoption.”
“That’s just... I can’t imagine what kind of person would want to sell their own child. I’m so sorry.”
Kayla sucked in a breath to calm her roiling emotions. “Thank you. I’m sorry I hit you with that out of nowhere. I kinda thought you might know. The team knows a lot of it.”
“Ryan tells me a lot of things, but he’s also an honorable guy. He wouldn’t tell me things about you that he wasn’t allowed to talk about. I mean I knew Ana’s daddy was in prison, and I knew he was in a motorcycle gang. I didn’t know about the pimping or dealing—or that he tried to sell his own child. I just can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you.”
“It was horri
ble. I ran away, then I dumped Ana on Bailey, telling her that Alexei was Ana’s father. I knew she’d go after him, and I thought that would somehow keep her and Ana safe because he’s a SEAL. I went into hiding, thinking if James couldn’t find me, he’d give up.”
“But he didn’t?”
“No, he didn’t. He kidnapped Bailey and threatened her. Alexei and his team rescued her. That’s how James ended up in jail. The entire motorcycle club was swept up and scattered. Many of them went to jail.” Kayla bit her lip. “That’s why I was scared the other day at the salon. I’m pretty certain the guy who harassed me on the street was one of them.”
“Oh, honey,” Chloe said. “I’m so sorry. Do you think they’re still looking for you?”
Kayla considered what to say. “It’s possible. I think it will always be possible. That’s why I can’t stop looking over my shoulder.”
“I completely understand. It was the same way for me when I left Alabama. Travis was a militia leader, and he was determined to get me back and make me pay.”
“What happened to him?” She knew he was dead, but she didn’t really know how it’d happened.
Chloe concentrated on feeding Ana. Then she looked up, her eyes flashing. “Ryan shot him. He had to do it—but I wish like hell it was me who’d done it.”
She should be shocked, but she wasn’t. “I understand that. I really do.”
Chloe looked stricken then. “Honey, please don’t tell anyone I said that. About Ryan, I mean. I’m sure that’s supposed to be a secret or something.”
“I won’t, Chloe. I promise.”
Chloe set the spoon down and wiped Ana’s mouth with the bib. She reached over and squeezed Kayla’s hand. “Thank you. Anytime you need to talk about what happened to you, or how you feel about your ex, you can always talk to me. I understand how you feel and where you’re coming from.”
Kayla squeezed back. “I know you do. Thank you.” She finished the bagel and got up to get the coffee pot. “I really like working with you and Avery and JoJo. It means a lot to me that y’all took me in,” she said as she refilled their cups.
HOT SEAL Devotion Page 10
