by SE Reynolds
"I hate the formality of a goodbye. Besides, everything happened so fast. My dad showed up at my dorm room un-announced. He tried to tell me he had to use my college fund to fix a leak in the roof, repair an engine, surgery for our fucking cat, but I knew. I heard my parents argue daily about his gambling addiction. He would go to Charlestown every weekend to bet on the horses. He even lied about a business trip once and ended up broke in Atlantic City. Such a pathetic soul. He gambled my education away. I didn't want you or anyone else to know about my fucked-up mess. Besides, I needed to find a way to survive."
"I could've helped you, Rose. I could've been there for you."
"What could you have done? You were just a kid, a fucking little frat boy. You couldn't afford to buy me a meal, let alone pay for my college education," Rose laughs, shaking her head. I feel insulted, but she's right. I had nothing to offer Rose but a hard dick.
"What did you do? To survive, I mean."
"I came back home, met an older gentleman with a lot of money, and married him. I never did go back to school. I enjoyed his money and eventually opened my bookstore."
"Congratulations, I guess?"
I notice Rose is not wearing a wedding ring. She sees me staring at her hand.
"He's dead. Life has been good," she says.
"Damn, Rose, I don't know if I should congratulate you or apologize?"
"Neither, things worked out just the way they should."
"What about kids? Do you have children?" I ask although I know the answer.
"No, it turns out I can't conceive. My ovaries are no good, but I never wanted a child. I'd only fuck them up, disappoint them, and be the reason for their inevitable demise. I'm happy, Joshua, all by myself. I saw pictures of your son on Facebook. He's very handsome. He looks like Melissa, a perfect little Hitler youth."
I laugh, remembering Melissa's reaction when I would say the exact same thing to her.
"Oh Rose, life has been crazy. Everything is happening so fast. I need to slow things down."
"Then slow them down, Joshua. You are the conductor of your life. Slow it down."
Rose takes my hand and rubs her thumb over my wedding band. I have no intention of telling Rose about Stacie. I hope she just assumes I'm still wearing the band Melissa put on my finger. The waitress comes over to refill Rose's coffee cup and finally offers me some.
"I know you! You are the mayor of Fairview. I voted for you. Appreciate you and your wife for all you've done. My husband was a real asshole. Still have the scars to prove it. I had to visit that shelter once or twice you opened up in Old Town. I finally got the nerve to leave that S-O-B. Oh, is this your wife, Stacie?"
"You mean Melissa, no, I'm not Melissa," Rose says, trying to save me from having to correct the waitress.
"Thank you. Thank you, Jill," I say while squinting at her name tag. Thank you for your support."
Now please go away, Jill. You are not helping me!
Jill stares at Rose. Her friendly demeanor changes when she realizes Rose is not my wife.
"If you need anything else, let me know," Jill says as she slowly backs away from the table.
"Mayor Steadman. That suits you. You definitely fit the part."
"Yes, it's not a big deal. Fairview is a small city."
"Wow, college frat boy turns into a small-town mayor, whose beautiful wife dies, leaving him single, looking for love again. What a backdrop for a novel!"
Rose stops talking and covers her mouth.
"I'm sorry, Joshua, I didn't mean to be insensitive."
"Please be insensitive. Don't feel sorry for me, Rose; I don't want pity, especially yours. I know we didn't know each other for very long, but you lingered with me throughout the years. I swear I thought I'd seen you a thousand times, in a mall, in the grocery store, in the crowd at one of my boring speeches, but it was never you. It was a poor substitution of you. I'd be so disappointed when I realized it wasn't Rose Umbra, my college obsession."
I take a deep breath and allow the avalanche of words that I've been holding back for decades to tumble and land where they may.
"Do you know how amazing it is to be sitting across from you right now? Not pretending, not trying so damn hard to convince myself that what I have is enough. I'm certain that if you didn't leave that day, that Melissa and I would've never been together. I would've been with you until you dumped me. I'm sure you would've eventually dumped me, but at least I'd have more time, more experiences with you, Rose. You have been fucking around my head for years."
I'm gushing like a teenager in an eighty’s brat pack movie, but I don't care. I have her back in my sight, breathing the same air as me. I don't want to let her walk away without her knowing how she affects me even today, even right this second. She just sits there sipping her coffee, lapping up my words. No "thank you," no "stop Joshua." She just sits and enjoys the gush.
"I'm sure you take pleasure in this, don't you, Rose? What's so crazy is it turns me on just knowing you take pleasure in my desperation."
Rose stares intently into my eyes, and a slight grin tugs at her mouth. God, I want to bite her lips and taste her again.
"Well then, are you done spewing? Quit being such a sap, Joshua. You are a mayor, a leader, not a sappy little frat boy."
"I am when it comes to you, Rose."
"Yes, it seems so. Would you like to see my bookstore? It's right down the street. I have to open it back up again soon."
She knows my answer. I don't need to respond. I put a ten-dollar bill on the table and escort Rose out of the coffee shop and down the street. We don't say a word, just like the first time she followed me to my dorm room.
∞∞∞
I feel like I'm in a funeral procession again, driving to a dreaded grave site. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I should have listened to my gut, but my gut was telling me something I didn't want to hear. It was like telling a starving dog not to eat a piece of meat that was put before him. A part of me was hoping Rose was no longer that mystical creature I knew when I was young and instead morphed into a middle-aged housewife whose only existence is to serve her asshole husband and entitled kids. But she didn't morph; she evolved. She's the same but better. She's my beautiful, untouchable, victimless creature I will never be able to have.
Just seeing her and leaving her again shredded my guts. Stacie will be waiting for me. She will be wondering where I've been. Her entire existence is me. I'd be content if I didn't see fucking Rose today. I'd be very content.
I see Stacie sitting in her pink princess chair, but I avoid eye contact. I just don't have the stomach or the strength to talk to her right now. I make a beeline for the bedroom. I need some time to transform into Stacie's husband, but she won't let me. I hear her coming up the stairs
"Are you okay, Josh?" she asks.
"Yes. I'm fine. Just another grueling meeting about a bunch of bullshit that no one cares about. How was your day, Stacie? Where's JJ?"
"My day was fine. JJ is at Mimi's, remember?"
"Oh right, I forgot about that."
She sits next to me on the bed and puts her hand on my knee. I have a strong urge to swat her hand away, but I can't. I know what she wants. I don't want to give it to her. I want to just disappear for a while, for a day, maybe forever. I stall and go back downstairs to get a beer. I could tell her I'm not feeling well, but she will know. If I don't, she will just worry and be extra clingy. That will only turn me off more. I need to man up and act like her husband tonight. I swallow down the manly pill my doctor prescribed me last week when my head wasn't in the game and chase it down with a gulp of beer.
When I get back to the bedroom, Stacie is under the covers. It seems so sterile to me. She is waiting to perform her wifely duty. I want to tell her she doesn't have to. I have no expectations of that, but she's ticking; her clock is ticking. Oh God, what have I gotten myself into? I leave my boxers on and get into bed. I stare at the ceiling like a virgin college girl praying for it to be over soon.
Stacie is all over me. I feel suffocated. Her breath smells like stale beer. I want her to get off me, don't touch me, don't go there!
"Stop it, Stop it!"
"What's wrong, Josh?"
"Nothing, everything. God, I get home, tell you I got out of a shit meeting, and you immediately want to fuck. Do you not get basic social cues?"
She gets out of bed and puts her robe on. I know I hurt her and I'm afraid there will be more hurt to come.
"I bought some Ryan's burgers. They are in the oven."
She turns towards the hallway to leave. I need to fix things with Stacie, or it will be a long awkward night filled with draining silence.
"Wait, Stacie, wait, I'm sorry. It's not you. You're awesome. It's me. Just had a bad day."
"You're right. I am awesome. That's all I've been to you is awesome. I've done everything you've asked of me, but tonight I just wanted to be your wife and feel like your lover, not your partner. You've had a bad day? It's more like a bad couple of weeks, Josh."
My apology isn't enough this time, but damn, I'm so sick of having to stroke Stacie's feelings and reassure her that she deserves me, especially tonight.
"What do you mean by weeks? I'm just having a bad day, and it carried over into tonight, Stacie. I'm human; shit, give me a break!"
She doesn't let up. She's looking for a fight.
"No, I'm not giving you a break, Josh! I've done nothing but be what you want, do what you want. It's all business with you. We havn't had sex in weeks, and even before then, it wasn't…."
"It wasn't what, Stacie?"
So, fucking ironic. If she only knew what it takes for me to get half an erection with her lately.
"Nothing! Never mind. I just want my husband back. I want my Josh back."
Stacie and her fucking fantasies. I'm sick of her disillusionment of what this is with us. I wish she would understand and conform to what we are.
"Marriage isn't always fucking and roses, Stacie. There's the real world. We have jobs; we have JJ, we have your fucking mother! I'm doing my best. And if that's not good enough…."
I stop myself. I look around the bedroom, Stacie's bedroom. It's a menagerie of yellow and glass, of schoolgirl dreams that she is so desperately trying to make come true. I'm suffocating.
"It's not good enough, Josh. I deserve more. I deserve better."
"Well then go, Stacie! Go see if you can find someone better. I have put up with a lot of your shit too. All of your yellow, all of your mother, all of these fucking little bears. Sometimes I feel like I am a pedophile, sleeping with a little girl every night!"
I pick up one of her bears and squeeze it. I want to break the damn thing; I want to break out of Stacie's fantasy world.
"Put it down, Josh!"
I don't. I hold it up high, silently threatening to smash it. She better back off.
"I'm not going anywhere, Josh. This is my house, remember, and at the end of the day, you are not going anywhere either. You need me as much as I need you and maybe more. I hold the key to your future. I know you better than anyone. I know your strengths, your weaknesses, your secrets. I'm the partner in all your big plans. Our names are circulating. We are out there. What would people think if you lose me, another wife you destroy?"
Finally, the sobering truth comes out of Stacie's mouth. I am no longer dealing with a little girl but a woman, a woman who knows what she wants and knows what she needs to do to keep it. I stare at the little bear in my hand, dressed in the bumblebee costume. I put the bear back in its place. I realize everything I thought I knew, thought I wanted, has changed in a day. My pill should be taking effect now; it's time to perform. I turn towards Stacie, the woman I belong to; the woman who owns my body and my soul; the one that has me locked away from my truth, my real destiny, my Rose. I've got to concede.
Chapter 47 – Virginia
"You need to go a little heavier, V. Your body is getting used to the weight," Misty says as she pulls the thirty-pound weights off the rack.
"No thanks, I'm quite happy with my twenty-fives; put them back, please."
"You need to challenge yourself more. You got to get out of this funk, V."
"I like my funk, I know my funk, I am content with my funk. Are we done yet?"
"It's your hour; it's your money. We can be done," Misty says as she puts the weights back.
"Great, then we are done. I hate noon workouts, Misty; I'm always hungry."
"You should eat a little protein before you come in then."
"I'm not that organized. You know, I've been thinking. I need a change, so I think I'm going to get Robert a dog. He's been begging for one for ages. I think it's time."
"A dog? You want to get a dog. Who is going to take care of the dog when you are at work, V?"
"I'll get a dog walker or a sitter or something. It'll be fun. I can play with it, take it to the park and meet other lonely dog people like me. I'd rather be a dog person than a cat person."
"I thought the dog is for Robert?"
"It is, but like most kids, he'll get bored with it. I will become the hand that feeds it. You know, the saying that a dog will love you unconditionally is bullshit. It only loves you because you feed it. If you don't feed it, it won't love you. It's that simple."
"If you don't feed it, it will die," Misty says, rolling her eyes.
"True!"
"Let's plan something, V. Let's go somewhere before you get that dog, maybe Vegas or Miami, some fun city. We need to get your mojo back, and I need a change of scenery. I'm sick of looking outside my studio and seeing this boring old town."
"Mojo? I've never had mojo, Misty. I've been in less of a rut, but I certainly never had mojo. I have to admit, the thought of getting out of town sounds kind of nice. We could stay in a nice hotel, drink good wine, eat good food, people watch. It actually sounds like fun, something to look forward to. Let's do it, Misty. Let's really plan it."
"Absolutely! I will google resorts and send you some options."
Misty jumps up and down like a cheerleader.
"Great, let's do this. I think you're right; a change will do me good, even if it's only for a couple of days."
I grab my things and head to the locker room. I take a brief shower to get the sweat off, pile my hair up on the top of my head with a clip, and change back into my work clothes. I leave Misty's and head down Main Street. The cold winter air is refreshing, but a nice sunny beach, absorbing all that vitamin D, seems more and more like a necessity right now. How fun it will be hanging out on a Miami beach with Misty, sipping on Margaritas at a café overlooking white sand. The beach will be full of all sorts of subjects to dissect, all in their bathing suits exposed to the world. Fat ones, skinny ones, no-ass ones, big dick in speedo ones, oh, the descriptive adjectives we will share about each and every one of them. It's just sinful.
"What the fuck!"
My brief escape to Miami is suddenly interrupted by a body slam. I look up to face my assaulter, and it's Joshua.
"Virginia! Wow, um, wow. Sorry, I was in a hurry, I didn't see you. How are you?"
"Where did you come from?" I ask.
"Herbert's Bank. I'm sorry if I startled you. Did I hurt you?"
"No, no, I'm fine. Excuse me," I say as I try to get the hell away.
"Virginia, wait!"
I stop and turn.
"Do you have a second?" Joshua asks.
"I deleted the picture, okay. I didn't do anything with it."
"I figured you didn't…I mean, you aren't that mean, Virginia. You were just hurt. I kind of lead you on."
"Yeah, yeah, you did. I need to go."
"Please, Virginia. I know you hate me, but can I just have a moment?"
He motions me to the side of the bank.
"Listen, the way things went down…I overreacted. I just wanted to protect Stacie. She's kind of fragile. I care enough about her that I didn't want to see anyone hurt her."
"Fragile is not the word I would use to describe Stacie. It
seems like things worked out for you two at the end of the day."
Joshua looks away from me and towards Stacie's law office.
"Yes, we were married about five months ago."
"Yea, I know. Congratulations."
"Thanks, well it hasn't been all wine and roses. It's been tough trying to get used to things, to each other."
"Yeah, well, that's why I will never do it again. I got to get going, Joshua. Good luck with all that."
I offer Joshua my hand, and he takes it.
"Thanks. You know I'm really sorry for coming down on you at Ryan's like that; I regret it. Beat myself up about it every now and then."
"Well, you should. You were a bit harsh, but, honestly, I didn't know how to handle things, especially how we got so close, and then just like that, I was replaced. It doesn't matter anymore. I've moved on."
"It matters to me, Virginia."
Joshua doesn't let go of my hand.
"Are you okay, Joshua?"
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
His eyes have a sadness to them I've never seen before. His twinkle has faded, and he looks tired. I should leave him here and get my ass back to work, but I know if I do, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will forever wonder what he has to say.
"Sure, I just need to make a phone call."
I step away and call Jerry. I tell him Robert is sick, and I need to pick him up from school.
"Do you want to go to Ryan's?" I ask.
"No, probably not a good idea," Joshua says as he turns towards Stacie's office again. "Can we go back to your house?"
"My house? Um, sure. I'll meet you there."
I pull into my garage as Joshua ducks inside before the garage door closes.
"Where did you park?"
"One street over, just in case," he says.
He follows me inside and up the stairs to the main floor.
