He steeled himself against her quivering lip. “James…”
His whole body flinched at her touch. “Don’t.”
“Look at me go, Daddy.” Isaac leaned back. “Wahoo!”
James turned his back on her and pushed Isaac higher. “Midterms are next week. Go home, Joni. I don’t want you here.”
She sniffed behind him. “I don’t want to leave Isaac.”
“You should have thought about that before you sold him to the highest bidder.” He turned and speared her with his eyes. “They paid Kathy ten grand. How much did you and Travis get?”
Her gasp took his breath. Her face drained of all color. James turned away and cursed himself for causing her pain. His shoulders relaxed as her footsteps faded toward the porch. He ignored the pain of her betrayal and ran with the swing. At the last moment, he stepped on the bottom of the tire. Isaac giggled as he and James sailed into the air.
Before supper and after washing his and Isaac’s hands, he took the chair next to Isaac. He refused to acknowledge his father’s or Joni’s presence at the other end of the dinner table.
Her voice trembled as she carried on a conversation with his father. “Is Mrs. Preston arriving tonight?”
His dad forked a bite of meatloaf. “No. Tomorrow afternoon.”
She rolled the peas around on her plate. “I’m sorry that I’ll miss her.”
James avoided his father’s glare. “Where are you going?”
Joni’s tight lips formed a weak smile. “Midterms are next week. I should have left this afternoon, but I need to see to Isaac’s bath.”
James cut his eyes from Joni to his dad and back to Joni again. “There’s no need for you to wait. I can bathe my own son.”
Isaac’s hand smeared ketchup on James’s wrist. “Joni likes to count the dots, but we can’t tell you.”
His dad’s fork clattered on his plate and all color drained from Joni’s face. She almost knocked over her tea glass. Her hand shook violently.
“What dots?”
“Don’t worry, Daddy.” Isaac patted ketchup into James’s skin. “She only got sick once.”
“Isaac, are you done?” Joni left her full plate and lifted Isaac from the table. “Let’s go play in the tub.”
When they were gone, James replayed the conversation in his mind. He was missing something. “Dad, what was Isaac talking about? Why is Joni sick?”
His dad’s chair scraped against the hardwood floor. “Joni makes everything a game to Isaac. Maybe she counts the polka dots on the shower curtain or something.”
The master bathroom had a shower stall with a door. The hall bathroom’s shower curtain was solid green, but the last time James called his father a liar he’d picked himself up off the floor. He glanced at the stairs where Joni and Isaac had disappeared and decided the dots could remain a secret. Surely nothing could be hurt by a few dots. He picked up his and Joni’s plates and carried them to the sink. She needed to eat more.
After helping his dad wash the dishes, he climbed the stairs and leaned in Isaac’s doorway. Joni sat on the edge of the bed, head bowed as she listened to Isaac’s prayers. She pulled the covers up to his chin and kissed his cheek.
James refused to move, and Joni brushed past him on her way out the door. His hand shot out and captured her wrist. He whispered near her ear. “How does it feel, knowing this is the last time you’ll ever tuck him in?”
Her body went rigid before she snatched out of his grip.
James turned off the light. “Goodnight, Isaac. Daddy loves you.”
A sleepy voice answered in the dark. “I love you too, Daddy.”
He closed his eyes and listened to his son’s even breathing. James had no intention of losing Isaac. The papers giving them a new life waited. In a few days, they would quietly disappear. Everything of value was packed in his truck. James was ready. He just didn’t know how to leave Joni.
He moved silently down the hall. Muffled sobs came from beyond his bedroom door. His muscles tensed as he listened to Joni cry. His heart couldn’t stand to hear her pain. With a trembling hand, he twisted the knob. In the moonlight near the window, she turned toward him. He stepped across the threshold and eased the door closed.
Her shoulders shook. “Will you hate me forever?”
He wished he had an answer for her question. She didn’t trust him to keep her and Isaac safe. He bit his lip and shook his head. “I don’t know, Joni.” His chest heaved. “I don’t know if I can forgive what you’ve done.”
“James.” She choked on a sob and reached out to him.
He crossed the room and gathered her in his arms. Sitting on the floor, he leaned against the windowsill and held her close to his heart. His thumb swiped at her tears. “You’re too beautiful to cry.” He kissed her trembling lips.
She wrapped her arms around his waist and soaked his shirt. “I love you.”
His heart thundered in his chest, and he knew he could never leave her. James felt under the mattress for the manila envelope he’d hidden earlier. He held it toward her.
Her hand shook as she opened the clasp. Her mouth dropped as she shuffled through the papers. James didn’t need to look to know what she saw. He’d stared at them enough this past week. She perched on the edge of the bed and waved the birth certificate. “How did you…? I thought that since…I mean…I don’t know what to say.”
He dropped to his knees in front of her. “Say you love me. Say you’ll come with us.”
“James.” Her eyes pleaded with him. “Don’t run. They’ll catch you and you’ll go to prison for a long time. In the end you’ll still lose Isaac.”
He pushed away and stood. Why couldn’t she trust him? “If you change your mind, we’ll be here for a few more days.” James swooped in for one last kiss. “Goodbye, Joni.” In two strides, he opened the bedroom door.
“Wait.”
He didn’t look back. Downstairs, he walked out to his truck and removed a fifth of whiskey from under the seat. Leaning against the oak, he drank himself into oblivion. His father’s face appeared and then the couch rose up to meet him. “Joni.” James whimpered her name before blessed darkness overtook him and the pain ended.
When he woke the next morning, she was gone. That afternoon, she texted him. Im sorry for hurting you. Your last week with Isaac should be special. I wont interfere. Sam and Anna will call the farmhouse after the legalities are final. Please dont hate me. I did the only thing that would protect Isaac. Consider the consequences before making any rash decisions. But wherever you go, I will love you, forever.
~~~
James should be halfway across the country by now, but he’d waited, hoping Joni would change her mind. He tossed the baseball and Isaac swung the bat. The ball zipped past James.
“I hit it, Daddy.”
“And the crowd goes wild.” He swung his son up on his shoulders in a victory celebration.
Isaac held up the bat and cheered.
“James, you have a call.”
He turned toward the porch where his dad held up the cordless phone. “Joni?”
“No. It’s Sam.”
The adoption was final. James left Joni four more voicemails, begging her to come with them. The next morning, he loaded their things in the truck and drove east. Ray would meet them at the Atlanta airport. He promised to buy the Toyota. That would give them a little extra money until James found a job.
He pulled into a fast-food place for lunch. Isaac peeked over the dash. “Is this where Sam and Anna is?”
Carrying his son through the door, he ignored the pain Isaac’s words caused. “No.”
“Are you sure? This is where we saw them. Do you think Mr. Sam brought my dog?”
“Isaac, you’re not going with Sam and Anna.”
His face fell. “Who’s gonna feed my dog?”
The disappointment on his son’s face hurt. “Don’t you want to see Uncle Ray?”
Isaac shook his head. “I want my dog and my cak
e. Uncle Ray brings beer and pizza.”
James placed their order. Isaac didn’t realize that staying with Sam and Anna was a permanent move. Throughout the meal, Isaac chatted about Sam building him a tree house, Anna baking him cookies, his new dog, and how he wanted to play T-ball. James could give him all those things now. Couldn’t he?
“After you work, you can come get me.”
Each word spoken was like a dagger in James’s gut. Sitting at the red light, he scrubbed a hand down his face and groaned. “Do you really want to live with Sam and Anna?”
“I want a dog and a pirate bed.” Isaac folded his arms across his chest. “Don’t be mad.”
He lowered his tone. “I’m not mad. It’s…well…you see that road?” He pointed to the northern exit ramp and Isaac nodded. “That’s the way to work. You see that road up there?” He pointed straight ahead to the next red light. “That’s the way to Sam and Anna’s. We can’t go both ways. You choose Isaac. Whatever you want. Which way do you want Daddy to go?”
A broad grin appeared on Isaac’s face. “Uncle Ray can watch cartoons without me.”
James swallowed his panic and changed lanes. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to travel the path Isaac chose.
A little hand stretched across the cab. “You’re the best daddy in the world.”
At every exit, James slowed and wanted to turn around. He didn’t know why he kept driving. For three hours, he listened to all the things promised to Isaac. James didn’t blame him. If he was a kid, he’d want to live with Sam and Anna too. In the driveway, he took his time unloading Isaac’s things.
At the door, his eyes burned, and his shaky hands refused to ring the doorbell. He sat on the top step and lifted his son on his lap. “Isaac, Daddy loves you.”
“You told me too many times already.”
He swallowed the knot in his throat and smiled. “I don’t want you to forget.”
Skinny arms wrapped around him. “I won’t.”
Memorizing Isaac’s every feature, James held out his fist. “Promise?”
Isaac bumped his knuckles against James’s larger ones. “I promise. Have fun at work.”
The door opened behind them. Isaac ran up the steps and claimed the wiggling puppy. James dropped his head in his hands. A single tear shattered on the concrete step. A large hand landed on his shoulder and James flinched. He didn’t want Isaac’s last memory to be of him bawling his eyes out. He stood and rushed toward his truck.
“Daddy, wait!” Isaac ran down the steps and leapt in his arms. He whispered in a loud voice. “Take care of Joni. Love her on both sides.” Two sweet kisses landed on James’s cheeks.
He choked. He had to get out of here before he snatched Isaac and ran. “I’ll try.”
As if sensing the danger, Anna pried Isaac from his grip. James forced himself into the driver’s seat. He pulled away from the curb and glanced in his rearview mirror. Isaac waved from Sam’s arms while Anna wiped her eyes. The three of them looked like a real family.
Joni’s words came back to him. Allowing the Mahers to adopt me was the most loving thing my parents did.
He turned onto the next street. His lungs burned and he couldn’t breathe. He pulled to the shoulder and collapsed against the steering wheel. The tangled knot in his chest exploded as the pain overwhelmed him. Sobs racked his body.
~~~
Joni ran up the apartment stairs. It had been a month since James disappeared. She didn’t know why he dropped Isaac off at Sam and Anna’s, but she didn’t worry about Isaac’s safety anymore. James, however, was a different story. He wouldn’t answer her calls or messages, but finally his truck was parked out front. A crash sounded in the apartment, followed by a curse. She winced, hoping he hadn’t hurt himself. She unlocked the door and flung it open. The living room was as she left it this morning before leaving for school. A thump sounded down the hall. She sucked in a breath and opened the door she’d avoided for over a month.
Unshaven, shirt wrinkled, James stood from Isaac’s bed and saluted her with a half-empty bottle of whiskey. “Heeeey, beautiful.” He stumbled back against the wall and raised the bottle to his lips. “I missed you.” After several blinks he waved her in.
She eased in the door. “Where have you been? Why haven’t you answered my calls?”
The lamp on an end table tilted when he jarred it as he slid down the wall. “Lost my phone.” Whiskey ran down his chin after his latest swig. He stretched his feet, and a dump truck rolled across the carpet. “It’s around here somewhere.”
“James.” She gathered the scattered toys and placed them in the closet. “How can I help?”
Powerful arms pulled her down in his lap. “Kiss me and make me forget.”
The whiskey on his breath burned her lips. “No, James. You’re drunk.”
The edges of the square glass bottle pressed into her back as he pulled her close. “Thought you wanted to cheer me up.”
“Not like this. Let go.” She wasn’t afraid, though even drunk he easily overpowered her.
“I know something else that would make me feel better.” His hand slid under her skirt.
Her palm cracked against his cheek. “I said, no.”
His hand fell to the floor. “I’m sorry, Joni. I didn’t mean it. I love you.”
She held on to the hope of his words. “You don’t hate me?”
He cradled her against his chest. “Isaac won’t let me. Keeps saying to love you on both sides. Then he waves in the mirror. He waves and waves. Then he’s gone.”
Joni held him tight and closed her eyes. James was lost without Isaac. How could she have done this? He was a man broken. He staggered to his feet and Joni slid onto the carpet. Losing his balance, he fell back onto the bed. Amber liquid splashed over her shirt. “I can’t live without him. I went back to get Isaac.” A lone tear escaped bloodshot eyes. “He was gone. You want to buy a house? It’s for sale.”
“No, James. God will take care of him.”
“God? Screw God!” The bottle slammed onto the floor. It was a miracle it didn’t shatter into a million pieces. “Where was he when Isaac needed him? Why couldn’t I keep Isaac? Why?” He reached for his keys. “I am. The. Best. Daddy. Ever. He tells me every night. I promised. I promised I’d never leave him. Isaac! Isaac. Daddy’s coming, Isaac.”
She pushed him against the mattress. James dropped the keys and buried his face in the pillow. “God’s punishing me.”
She rubbed his shoulders. “No, he isn’t.”
“Yes, he is. You were his and I took you. So he took Isaac. He took you both. Why Joni? Why couldn’t he let me have you?”
“I’m right here.” Joni wept for their loss as she snuggled against his side. While he’d been gone, God became her refuge and she wouldn’t sin against him, but she couldn’t abandon James either.
He babbled on about Isaac and a promise he couldn’t keep. “Why did you give him away? Didn’t you know I loved him?” He rolled over and shoved her off the bed. “Go away. I can’t stand to look at you.” Thankfully, he passed out.
Lord, why? He blames me. She choked on a sob. It’s my fault. Is this punishment for our sin? God, please help James. I’ll take his punishment and mine if you save him.
Joni sank to the carpet and did the only thing that brought her peace these last weeks. She prayed. She prayed for Isaac’s happiness and James’s salvation. Afterward, she emptied the whiskey in the toilet and placed the bottle on Isaac’s floor. In her bed, she tossed and turned.
~~~
James woke to the sound of running water. Joni was in the shower. He stumbled to the coffee pot and blinked against the pressure behind his eyes. The only pain reliever in the cabinet was for menstrual cramps. He popped four of them and eased down to his truck for a change of clothes. When he opened the bathroom door, Joni shrieked and hid behind the shower curtain.
He reached for the sink as a wave of dizziness passed. “Chill, Joni, I’ve seen you before.”
<
br /> “Get out!”
“Don’t yell.”
A bottle of shampoo sailed his way. He jumped in the hall and hid behind the door. Ugh! He grabbed his head and leaned against the wall. What happened to his sweet little Joni?
He eased into their room and collapsed on the bed. The ceiling swirled, so he struggled to sit upright and placed his feet on the floor. On the dresser, a note peeked from Joni’s and his Bible. Despite the pain slicing his head, he reached for her list.
Baptism Service 6:00pm
No white shirt
Two towels
Change of clothes
The door between the bathroom and closet opened. Thin lavender straps peeked out from under her towel and teased his tilting vision.
The slam of the closet door jarred his aching head. What did he do last night to make her so angry? He grabbed his clothes from the dresser and the shampoo off the hall floor.
Shower first, and then maybe he could think clearly.
~~~
Joni dressed quickly as James showered. Images lingered from the nightmare. It wasn’t the first time she’d been haunted by Isaac’s pleas not to let Kathy take him, or his battered body smiling from the clawfoot tub. But last night added James’s accusations.
“How can I love you? I can’t stand to look at you.”
The mirror revealed her red and puffy eyes as she wound her hair into a ponytail. She prayed as she crammed two towels and a change of clothes into a canvas bag. “Lord, help me get out of the apartment without giving in to him.”
The water shut off. Joni was tired of feeling sorry for herself. She’d done the right thing for Isaac and James needed to get over it. After today, she vowed never to think of him again. So what if he broke her heart? She could live without him.
“Joni.” A towel hung low on James’s hips. She turned away from the hunger in his eyes. His sultry voice caressed her. “You look beautiful in that dress.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t dare look in his direction, though he blocked the exit into the hall. “I’ve changed since you’ve been gone, but after last night, I guess it doesn’t matter.” In her peripheral vision, his hand grabbed his jeans off the bed. She closed her eyes and refused to look.
“Joni?” She heard the confusion in his voice. Her gaze met his. “What happened last night? Did I hurt you?”
Whatever He Wants Page 23
