She hated herself for allowing him to hug her close. “Not physically. I simply realized that what I did was unforgivable.”
He kissed her temple and she turned in his arms. His heart thundered beneath her cheek. She waited for words that never came.
Fear squeezed her lungs. “Will you ever forgive me?”
A shudder racked his body. “You were supposed to be my wife.” He spoke in past tense.
Joni crumpled against him. Her last hope vanished.
“You were supposed to be Isaac’s mother. But now…every time I see you, I look for Isaac…only he’s not there. I can’t…”
“You don’t have to explain.” She stepped away, but he gripped her waist. The ring on her finger glistened against his muscular chest. The diamond mocked her. She ripped it off her hand, tearing her heart out in the process. “Here.”
His arms fell to his sides.
She shoved the ring at him. “Take it.”
His stance locked. His muscles flexed. His eyes closed.
She sobbed his name. “James.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, but he didn’t twitch.
“Fine!” Joni slammed the ring on her dresser. “I’ll be gone all weekend. Take your ring and pack all your stuff. Leave the apartment key on the table.”
He still hadn’t budged after she lifted her canvas bag, yet she loved him despite his painful rejection. Her naked hand smoothed his whiskers and her lips stole one last kiss. “I love you.”
His jaw clenched at her words.
“Goodbye, James.”
~~~
He could never forgive her betrayal. James twisted the ring on his pinkie. Joni may have loved him, but she’d loved Isaac more.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he poured a cup of coffee and called Cecil. It was time to man up. He packed Isaac’s room and gathered all of his things from the apartment. Despite what she demanded, he kept the key.
The water under the causeway was choppy. The skies were overcast. He drove to his sister’s and stored his things in Sara’s empty garage apartment.
At six fifteen, he found a parking place in the full lot beside the church. Going in the side entrance, he slipped into the sound booth next to Cole. “How’s law school?”
“Fine. It’s good to see you.”
James swallowed and nodded at the baptistery. “Has Joni gone through?”
Cole smacked the lollipop in his mouth and adjusted the left monitor. “Not yet. They’re going by age group. She and Marla are in the second set. Her mom and aunt are in the third.” He indicated a tripod on the platform. “We’re recording. For a five-dollar donation, you can have a copy mailed. There’s a sign-up sheet in the foyer.”
James removed his wallet. “I’d prefer no one knew I was here. Could you keep a copy for me? I’ll get it later.”
“Sure thing.”
At the front of the church, Joni stepped into the pool. Pastor spoke on Joni’s sacrifice and commitment to God. As the floodlights in the baptistery haloed her hair, he thought of the night they first met. He knew then she belonged in church. His mother snapped several photos from the front pew, and James wished he was the type of man that could forgive and forget.
“I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” Pastor dipped Joni under the water. When she surfaced, James gasped at the joy radiating from her face. How could he not love her? One word whispered through his mind. Isaac.
He turned toward the small door but called over his shoulder, “Thanks for letting me watch.”
“James, I’m praying for you. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.” Cole slapped a hand across James’s shoulder.
“Thanks, man. I appreciate the gesture.”
~~~
Joni stared at James’s picture as she remembered their phone conversation. Last night wasn’t the first time he’d called drunk and wanted her to sing. Wherever he was, did he remember saying, “I love you”? Her finger slid across her phone screen.
The Statistical Reasoning professor’s lecture buzzed on. At least last year’s Economics classes counted as a prerequisite toward her new goal, a bachelor’s degree in social work. With her summer courses, she should graduate in three years.
Garrett, Dr. Seanbridge’s graduate assistant, winked from the front of the lecture hall. Joni always knew what James was thinking when he’d winked. She blushed. Shaking her head, she pushed him out of her thoughts as her phone vibrated in her hand.
Dinner? Tonight? The fourth such invitation from Garrett in the past hour.
She sucked in a breath and replied. No. Stop staring!
Your address? Pick you up at 7? Cant help it.
She had never dated anyone but James. Texting someone else felt like cheating. I can’t. Quit asking.
She scooted her chair to the right, blocking Garrett’s view.
He didn’t give up easily. Dont care if you love him. I can be your rebound guy.
Joni peeked from behind the broad shoulders in front of her and narrowed her eyes at Garrett. Ducking out of sight, she scribbled on her notepad. Her lips curled in a smile. If James still loved her, he’d take care of the unwanted invitations in a flash.
Marla texted from the seat next to her. Is he asking you out? Dont do it. Matt is better looking and so is his friend Jeremy. We can double.
Why did all her friends think she should forget James? She wanted to get on with her life. She really did. That’s the reason she changed her major. Her parents didn’t know yet, but she was slowly warming them up to the idea with her job at Twila’s House, a safe home for children.
Marla’s elbow nudged her and Joni replied. I dont think I can love anyone but James.
Didnt say anything about love. Just dinner. Next time Matt asks, say yes. You owe me.
Her friend tilted her head and Joni sent, Ill ask Matt about his friend. But only for you. Not interested in dating.
Marla’s next message didn’t surprise Joni. James isnt a Christian. Remember what Pastor said about being unequally yoked and forget him.
I remember. She sent the last text and put her phone in her purse. Oh, how she remembered. Everyone at church, including James’s sister, told her repeatedly how proud they were of her for leaving James and recommitting her life to God.
They were wrong.
Church activities, along with school, kept her mind busy during the day. Worship music intrigued her, though the ability to play with freedom eluded her. Pastor eventually allowed Joni to sing during services again. She loved God. Loved His people, but peace was something others experienced. The apartment was her refuge. Her tear-soaked pillow was only a substitute for what her heart really desired. In her dreams, Isaac begged her not to let Kathy take him. She woke and mourned the loss of James’s comforting arms.
During his few phone calls, she heard his pain in between the drunken slurs. He hurt because of her actions. Did she do the right thing? Could the three of them be living in another state as a family even now? Isaac’s adoption was six months ago. Was his family everything a little boy needed? Did he have a dog?
Marla whispered, “Stop thinking about him.”
Joni blinked away tears and turned her back to her friend. No one understood. She didn’t know how to stop loving James.
Seven days later, Joni returned from her afternoon class and found a bouquet of fuchsia roses sitting in the middle of the dining table. “James.” Her book bag slipped off her shoulder as she lifted the delicate vase. The scent of honey mingled with his cologne as the soft petals caressed her cheek. Her hands trembled as she read the card. “Happy Anniversary.”
Her heart fluttered and shed the burden it had carried for months. He remembered the night they met. Where was he? She searched the apartment. Other than the roses, there was no sign that anyone had been here. She couldn’t eat dinner. Couldn’t concentrate on her studies.
At eleven fifteen, she gave up on James’s return and went to bed. Staring at t
he ceiling, she tried to pray, but memories of nights long ago held her captive. The front door creaked opened. Her heart pounded in her chest. Keys rattled and then the door closed with a click. She propped up on an elbow and waited.
Two clunks sounded and she pictured his boots hitting the floor. She swallowed. He’d always removed his boots by the refrigerator. Soft footfalls landed in the hall. He stood in the bedroom door and crossed his arms.
Through the light from the bathroom, she studied him. His whiskers were wild, untamed. His normally immaculate hair was shaggy over his ears. She rose to her knees. Hungry eyes roamed over her nightgown. He crossed the room and abandoned his beer bottle on the bedside table. Silence hung on the unspoken question. Her palm caressed his jaw and her thumb brushed his unruly whiskers.
His eyes closed as he turned his face into her hand. “Joni, I need you.”
She answered his plea with a kiss. In the morning, she knew he’d leave, but for tonight he was hers.
~~~
A thorn pricked her finger and blood dotted her skin. James had disappeared sometime in the wee hours of the morning and she hadn’t heard from him since. Not that she expected to. Sunday morning, before driving across the bay to church, Joni trashed the dead roses.
Guilt had her stumbling through the lyrics of the morning songs. Her jittery nerves panicked when Pastor asked what was wrong. Her chest tightened during the sermon and conviction drove her to the altar.
Oh God, I’m sorry. I swear, I won’t ever do it again. Please don’t leave me, Jesus. Please. I need you.
Chapter Nineteen
The redhead, he couldn’t remember her name, lifted Joni and Isaac’s picture from the dash of his new truck. “Who’s this? You’re not married, are you?”
James carefully removed the pictures from her grip. He held the photos in one hand and drank his beer with the other. In a moment of weakness, he’d visited Joni, but Isaac’s picture reminded him of her treachery. “Where’s Ray and your friend? They should be out here by now.”
The door to the bar opened. Ray had his arm around a pretty brunette. He looked James’s way and saluted before walking across the parking lot toward a compact car.
“What happened to them?” The girl nodded to the pictures.
He caressed the pictures before arranging them next to his gauges. “Look, they’re really not any of your business.”
She withdrew the hand trailing down his arm. “Ouch. You must still love her.”
He turned the key and the engine roared to life. “You should get out now. This isn’t working for me. I’m sure you can find someone more suitable back on the dance floor.”
Her dark eyes turned black. “I’m sure.”
The slamming door didn’t surprise him. He should’ve known better than to listen to Ray. No one could replace Joni. The only thing that lessened the pain was large quantities of alcohol. He should be in his room, cuddled up with a bottle. Not out here stirring up old memories.
He stopped by the liquor store on his way to the hotel. In his room, he pulled the laptop Isaac use to watch cartoons on from his duffle bag. Once it booted, he signed in as Joni on her social network. Matt Richardson had posted to her wall. Cant wait until Friday. Hope you like oysters.
His heart dropped to his stomach. Who was this punk? He clicked on the guy’s info. A lawyer? No, worse—a want-to-be politician. Joni could do better than this jerk. He was tempted to send him a message from Joni canceling the date.
He suppressed the urge to call Cecil and request time off for a family emergency. This job had one, maybe two, days left.
Come Friday, he’d be at the apartment waiting for Pretty Boy.
~~~
Joni forced a smile as Matt led her into the restaurant. He and Jeremy sat opposite her and Marla. After months of persuasion, she’d agreed to a double date. A half-wall separated their table from the bar. James swiveled on a stool, winked, and toasted her with a longneck bottle.
She blinked, not trusting her eyes.
James’s lips curled in a malicious smile.
Not now. Why is he here? His gaze traveled to Matt. James sneered. She squirmed in her seat as his eyes met hers again, and his expression turned to one of disgust.
A sigh escaped her. Why should she feel guilty? She’d done nothing wrong.
Matt frowned at her reaction. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”
She forced herself to breath and hid behind her menu. “I’m fine.” Marla was wrapped up in Jeremy’s conversation and hadn’t noticed her silent plea for help.
She shot a glance over Matt’s shoulder. James reached in his pocket and brought out his phone. He fumbled with it under the table.
Joni’s phone chimed in her purse. He texted her! Was he crazy? She reached for her phone and read James’s message. Hes not your type. Too preppy.
She replied. Dont text me. Its none of your business. Joni’s heart tattooed against her chest. Please, God, don’t let James come over here.
Where were you? I went to the apartment.
Joni’s face flamed. It had been a while since she stayed at her parents’ house, but she couldn’t stand the thought of Matt or any other guy in James’s apartment.
“Sweetie, the waitress is waiting.”
“Sorry.” She didn’t look in James’s direction. “I’ll have the blackened seafood and penne pasta.” Her phone chimed again. She ignored it.
Matt smiled at her. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re a little pale.”
Marla frowned. “Joni?”
She wiped sweaty palms on her napkin, faked a smile, and texted Marla. James is at the bar. She conjured up a bright smile and focused on her date. “Everything’s fine.”
Marla hissed as she read the text. “Oh, crap.”
Oblivious to the disaster around him, Matt lifted Joni’s hand and kissed it.
James’s longneck slammed down on the bar. Joni flinched and snatched her hand out of Matt’s grip. Remembering Trent, she whispered another prayer and shook her head. James narrowed his eyes but stalked off in the other direction.
She pretended an interest in the conversation around her. Luckily, Marla covered and all Joni had to do was sit there and listen. And watch out for James.
His ringtone echoed from her phone. She let it ring. Her face ached from forcing a smile, and her frazzled nerves could feel James’s glare from somewhere nearby.
After the third consecutive call, Matt said, “Sweetie, you should answer. It may be important.”
“Of course.” She slipped her phone out of her purse. “Excuse me.” She stepped out on the balcony overlooking the bay and answered. “Stop calling me.” No one was on the line. “Ugh!” Stuffing her phone in her purse, she breathed in the cool night air and shivered.
Warm arms wrapped around her waist. “I missed you.” The urge to lean back on James’s strength overwhelmed. She gave in and her lids fluttered. She remembered the smell of his cologne, his touch, and his kiss as his lips scraped across her neck. Her shiver had nothing to do with the early March temperatures.
“Joni, come back to me.”
With one step she was free. “I never left you.” The blue silk of her dress flared as she twirled around to face him. Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She’d cried enough over him.
He reached for her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
She slapped his hands away. “You weren’t the only one to lose Isaac. I loved him.” She leaned her head back and blinked several times. “I loved his smile. His fine baby hair. The intelligence in his blue eyes.” She sniffed and held up a hand. “I still love him. I dreamt one day he would be mine. Ours.”
“Joni, please don’t cry.”
“Don’t worry. I’m sick of crying for you.” Inhaling the cold, crisp air, she wiped her face and stepped close to him. Her hand caressed his jaw. The whiskers she loved tickled her palm.
He rubbed his cheek against her hand and heat spread up her arm.
&
nbsp; “James, you shut me out. I needed you. I needed your arms to hold me then.” She pulled her hand back. “I don’t need you now.”
He kissed her. “I’m sorry.”
The taste of beer lingered on her lips. “It’s too late.” Chin held high, she walked into the restaurant and reclaimed her seat across from Matt.
“Who was it?”
The ice in Joni’s glass shook as she raised it. “Where?” Did he see her talking to James?
“On the phone.” His eyes narrowed. “Have you been crying?”
She shook her head and tried to smile. “Of course not.” Joni couldn’t look him in the eye. Her fork clattered to her plate.
The next forty minutes seemed like forty lifetimes. In the car, Matt leaned close. Joni avoided his kiss by turning her head and staring out the passenger window. Moisture filled her eyes. She didn’t want to kiss anyone but James.
“Jeremy and Marla are driving to Fairhope Pier. Do you want to go?” He started the Dodge Charger, and shifted into drive.
James leaned against a new Silverado. She turned in the seat to get a better look.
“Joni?” Matt tried to follow her gaze.
“I’m not feeling well. Can you drop me off at my parents’ house?”
~~~
With the exception of the wall photos of himself and Isaac, the apartment hadn’t changed much. James inspected the montage of happier times while he waited for Joni to come home. The thought of her in Pretty Boy’s arms kept him awake all night. He fell asleep sometime before dawn and awoke at noon.
She never made it home. There was only one other place she could be. He hoped. James raced across the bay. Joni’s car sat in her parents’ drive. He breathed easy and parked behind the Honda. Pink roses in hand, he knocked on the door.
Her mom cracked the door open. “What do you want?”
He couldn’t see around her. “Is Joni home?”
“Thankfully, no.”
James cut his eyes to Joni’s car and several others in the driveway. “I just want to talk. Two seconds.”
Mrs. Maher’s arms relaxed at her sides. “I’m sorry. She and Marla are shopping. They won’t be back ‘til late.”
Her eyes told the truth. He held out the roses. “Will you give her these? And tell her…” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Tell her, I’m sorry about last night.”
Mrs. Maher accepted the flowers. “What did you do?”
Whatever He Wants Page 24
