One side of the tent was peeled back, revealing the worshippers as they stood to their feet. James engulfed liquid fire. He shuddered and swigged again. Whoever played the piano stumbled over the notes. He longed to hear Joni play, but her music reminded him of Isaac and everything he’d lost. Since hearing her at Saenger Theatre, his nightmares had worsened.
Memories.
Each time James closed his eyes, he saw Isaac’s smiling face. In the rearview mirror of the Toyota, little arms waved from Sam’s shoulder. James couldn’t escape the locked doors, nor could he drive forward or backward. He was stuck at an intersection.
The 80 proof burned a path to his stomach, yet Isaac waved and waved. His words echoed in James’s mind over and over again. You’re the best daddy in the world.
The past haunted him, but the torture had escalated during the last three weeks. James was on the verge of losing his mind.
A bottle before bedtime kept the dream at bay until the wee hours of the morning. When he’d seen the tent on his way to the hotel, he’d hoped to see Joni. No such luck. James guzzled the Kentucky brew and flames consumed the raw pain in his heart.
He took another swig and then recognized the lead singer. James’s dad had once sung with this group. Small world. The worship part of the service seemed endless. While drowning his sorrows, James hummed along with the familiar songs. Piano notes drifted as The Street Preacher took the podium. James propped his forearms on his knees. He might as well see if Peter’s sermons had gotten any better since they were kids playing church in Pop’s hay barn.
The Street Preacher’s voice was bold and sure. “‘Brethren…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.’ Amen.”
James stretched his legs and leaned back against the slide. Stars twinkled through the Dogwood blossoms overhead. He cradled the fifth in the crook of his arm. He’d listen until the numbness kicked in.
“Funny thing about mirrors, they reflect the truth. What do you see when you look in the mirror?”
James closed his eyes and Isaac waved. You’re the best daddy in the world. He scrubbed his hand down his face and shook off the illusion.
The microphone squealed. “Different mirrors reflect different images.” Laughter boomed through the speakers. “Have you ever been in a funhouse? Those mirrors reflect a distorted truth. Be careful…they’ll fool you.”
James smiled at the recollection of his and Isaac’s trip through the House O’ Mirrors at Fort Conde during Mardi Gras. He could still hear Joni’s tinkling laughter. Ignoring the sound, he swirled his wrist and concentrated on the slosh of amber liquid.
“There’s another mirror that’ll fool you. Sometime ago, when I was trying to back up a trailer… Man, I had that thing so jackknifed.”
James’s laughter mixed with the congregation’s. He’d tried to teach him, but his cousin never could launch a boat in the river.
“Some man told me, ‘Peter, those two side mirrors on your truck are used for backing up. But if you read your manual, you’d realize that mirror on the windshield is for seeing what’s going on behind you. That’s it.’”
James twisted the diamond ring on his pinkie. He knew this story. It was his words. He’d said them to Peter.
“He said don’t look in the rearview mirror. It’s gonna distract you and it’s gonna give you a picture of something that isn’t really true. You’ll be wrapped around a tree somewhere. Up against a corner. Or in a place you don’t need to be.”
Despite the fire flowing through his veins, James shivered as chills covered his skin.
“That was the best advice he ever gave me. The rearview mirror is not for backing up. It’s merely for viewing what’s behind you.”
Isaac waved from the darkness of his past and James forced his lids open.
“Each of our bodies is like a vehicle. We have a rearview mirror. It’s the same inside our vehicles as in a truck. That rearview mirror you’ve been staring in lately, it’s not for backing up. God’s trying to show you where you came from, where you’ve been.”
Liquid heat slid down James’s throat and splashed through his barren dreams.
“I drive an automatic, but I was riding with my daddy on the interstate one day before he died. There was a place he needed to be. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw someone coming in close behind him in the opposite lane. You see, to get where he was going he had to change lanes.”
Joni’s platinum band chinked against the glass bottle.
“So, he shifted into another gear and placed some distance between him and his hindrance. Oh! I would to God that everyone here today stepped it up a notch. Surge forward! There’s no need to wait for that car to catch up. No use in worrying about what’s behind you. Get in a prayer closet and grab another gear!”
James slid to the ground. It was time to go.
“My friend, Jesus is saying tonight, ‘I wish you’d look at Me and get your eyes out of the mirror.’ He’s looking through the windshield and He sees all things clearly.”
James stared at the bourbon on top of the slide. How did it get up there? Isaac would like this park. Too bad there weren’t any ducks. A merry-go-round spun with one shove.
“You don’t want to look behind you. It hurts too much. You’ve thought about backing up, but God says grab another gear and go forward.”
He couldn’t climb the ladder again. Where was his truck?
“Somebody needs to press the clutch and look to the future. Move forward. Make your way to this altar.”
James stared at the gravel under his feet. He blinked against the lights under the tent a few feet away. How did he get here? His heart pounded in his chest.
“Some trucks don’t have six gears, but yours does. You can shift into sixth and surge ahead. You might even catch up with someone who’s been waiting for you. Remember your blessings. Your past is tormenting you, but God says ‘plan for the future.’ You’re gonna make it. Don’t put it in reverse. Don’t glance over your shoulder.”
You’re the best daddy in the world.
“When you look in your rearview mirror and you see that little car pulling up behind you – you know the one, the one that’s been waving – grab another gear and surge forward. Don’t worry ‘bout that little car. God’ll take care of ‘em. You just drive on to the Promise Land.”
James took one step under the tent and the whiskey fog evaporated. In an instant, he was sober. Clear eyes met those of The Street Preacher.
“Oh yeah.” Compassion pooled in his cousin’s eyes. “They were a blessing, but they’re not for you.” Peter waved him down the aisle. “Come on, James, what are you waiting for? God wants to give you a new vision.”
James wiped sweaty palms on his jeans and put one boot in front of the other. He was tired of hurting.
~~~
Joni struggled with the new song she’d been working on. “Ugh.” Why couldn’t she get the rhythm right? What was it about church music she couldn’t comprehend? She played all the right notes. Hymns were fine, but contemporary threw her.
Disgusted with her inability, she fell into the recliner. She grabbed her phone from the coffee table and scrolled down her news feed. Sister Andrea had posted pictures of the Spring Festival. Joni hated when her hair frizzed. Maybe no one would notice. She added her “Happy Birthday” to Josh’s wall and watched a funny video posted by Frank’s wife. She scrolled through horoscopes and prayers requests. Do they really pray over these needs?
More photos, mini sermons. Joni yawned. She should go to sleep, but she clicked more posts. Gossip, somebody slamming some unknown person, event invitations, quotes…
James Preston is in a relationship.
The red heart mocked Joni as her own thumped inside a hollow chest.
Posted three hours ago. Twenty likes and three comments. Sara’s read, “So proud of you.” Pastor wrote, “Been waitin a long time for this day, wished I coulda been there.�
� The last one said, “Does Joni know about this?” A smiley face punctuated Marla’s comment.
Why would Marla think Joni would like James entering into a relationship with someone else? Joni clicked on James’s profile picture. She was no longer blocked. Her mouth fell open and her hands trembled.
James Preston lives in Mobile, Al. In a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Chapter Twenty-One
The concept of grace amazed him. Not only did Jesus wash him clean, but He baptized him with power to help him resist temptation. James couldn’t sleep. His new life waited with the dawn and he was eager to get started. Smiling in the dark, he thanked God for salvation.
James switched on the bedside lamp. Digging around in the hotel dresser, he found a Gideon Bible and read. At three twenty, he received a text notification. He smiled as he read Joni’s comment and then created a new message. Hey beautiful. You awake? See you heard my good news. Now we can be together.
Minutes later his phone rang. “Did you seriously pray through, or are you faking it?”
He swung his legs off the side of the bed. “Joni? How can you ask me that? I’d never fake salvation.”
“You have before.” Her whispered doubt stung.
He paced the length of his hotel room. “That’s not true. You knew I didn’t want to go to church. I made no secret that I was only there for you.”
Her breath cracked in the phone. “You knelt beside me and pretended to pray. The next day you connived me into apartment shopping. A few weeks later, you tricked me into moving in. And need I remind you what happened—”
“Stop.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, I admit that I might have taken advantage of your curiosity of church. But.” Slowly releasing a breath, he continued. “The prayers I prayed tonight were between me and God. They had nothing to do with you.”
“Prove it.”
“How?” He stubbed his toe against the bedrail and swallowed a curse. “I’m not perfect, but tonight I really did get saved.”
She sniffed. “I hope so, but only time will tell. Goodnight, James.” She hung up.
“Why is she so angry, Lord? I don’t understand.” James hit his knees beside the hotel bed and prayed. “Please don’t take her.” The words James had prayed earlier returned to him. “I give up, I’m all in. Take my thoughts, my wishes, my desires...”
But, he hadn’t meant Joni. She was the best thing in his life. He didn’t know if he could let her go. “Oh God, please, don’t ask this of me. I don’t think I can.”
This was crazy. God wouldn’t ask him to give up something good. He shook off his unease and crawled in bed with the Bible. The pages, crisp from unuse, fell open to the book of John. Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these?
“Yes, Lord. I love you.”
A peace he couldn’t understand covered him. He opened the hotel’s mini refrigerator and poured the six-pack down the toilet. The fifth of whisky under the mattress followed. When his head sunk into the pillow, a sweet presence swelled in his heart. “Goodnight, Jesus.” He rolled over and fell into a blissful sleep.
An ebony-haired toddler crawled over red carpet. Smiling at James, he pulled himself up and held on to the altar bench as he teetered around the end. Pudgy hands let go and the toddler wobbled toward him. “Dada, dada.” James switched his microphone to his other hand, stepped down from the platform, and swung his son in his arms. He finished the song with the warm cherub snuggled against his shoulder.
A ceiling fan twirled overhead and the baby doubled into two. Soft, chubby legs and arms roamed over James’s head and chest. He laughed and created a barrier with his arms. One brave explorer scrambled over James’s arm. His little head thunked against the hardwood floor. A sharp wail produced a feminine hand that soothed the crying babe.
A diamond wedding ring glistened against a delicate finger. “I told you we should’ve installed carpet.”
“Joni?” James blinked against the morning sun streaming through the hotel window. He rolled onto his stomach and hid under the pillow. “Lord, be with her, today. And Isaac. Watch over them and protect them from harm. Go with me, Jesus. Be my strength today. And please, please let me know Isaac is safe.”
~~~
The muscles bunched under James’s rust-colored dress shirt as he entered the church. Marla’s words faded and Joni caught her breath. She ached to cross the room and slide her hand over his chest.
His eyes zeroed in on hers. Caught staring, Joni bit her bottom lip and held his gaze. His answering smile let her know that he knew her thoughts. He took two steps toward her, but Cole’s voice stopped him midstride.
“Joni, are you okay?” Marla hadn’t seen James.
“I’m fine.” She listened halfheartedly as the girls planned lunch at the mall. From the corner of her eye, James shook hands with Cole and walked to the altars where most of the men in the church prayed before every service. To her astonishment, he knelt beside Cole. His voice blended with the others’ prayers.
Rachel called her name and Joni turned her attention to the talk of sales and clothing accessories. A few moments later she, Rachel, and Marla made their way toward their pew. Joni stumbled to a stop as they neared the front. She couldn’t believe her ears. James was praying in the Spirit.
It wasn’t possible. Was it? Yet there he lay, between the platform and the altar bench praying loud enough for anyone with ears to hear. She gulped in deep breaths and pivoted on her heel. Her long strides carried her up the aisle and down the hall. How she’d longed for the anointing power of the Spirit. Every time she’d asked James about it, he had changed the subject. Wonder what he’d say if she asked him now? Joni snatched the bathroom door open and hoped he choked on his tongue.
~~~
From the front row, James shook Pastor’s hand.
“Good to see you here.” The man of God stepped on the platform and raised both hands while Joni and others led the congregation in worship.
James couldn’t look at her and keep his mind on the Lord. He focused on the carpet in front of him. When the music ended, his traitorous eyes followed her graceful walk to the third pew on the right side.
The pastor cleared his throat from the pulpit. “There’s joy in God’s perfect will.”
James shook the lustful thoughts from his brain. Eyes bored in his back. He turned and smiled at Joni’s flushed cheeks. She jerked her head toward the front. What was wrong with her?
He’d wanted to stop by the apartment and see her last night when he drove in, but it was late and he didn’t trust himself to be alone with her. Hopefully, they’d talk at lunch.
During the altar service, he recommitted his desires to those of God’s. He included a prayer for Joni to be added to his life and one for Isaac’s safety. When church was over, James was welcomed back by his family and friends. Joni was nowhere to be seen.
“That blonde girl, Joni, is smoking hot.” The new guy leaned on Cole’s shoulder. “Is she available?”
James choked on a scathing reply.
Cole cut his eyes to James. “Blaine, Joni had a boyfriend.” James narrowed his eyes and Cole corrected his mistake. “Has. Has a boyfriend… You really don’t want to mess with her.”
Blaine smiled. “She’s experienced? Even better.”
James picked up his new Bible and stepped near. “Stay away from Joni.” He gripped the edge of the pew to keep from slamming said dude through the wall.
Blaine stared. “It was you.”
James didn’t answer.
“I see by your reaction it’s true. What? Did she dump you?”
All his life James had heard “turn the other cheek,” but throughout the Bible God used people as willing vessels. He rapped his knuckles on the stained wood. Right now, his fists were willing to be used by God and teach Blaine some manners.
Philip dropped a drum stick on the snare behind them. The noise reminded James where he was. “Joni isn’t your concern.” He w
alked away and conversational hum buzzed. Outside the church, Joni and a few other girls walked toward her car. He hurried over and grabbed the driver’s door before she could close it. “I need to talk to you.”
She turned the key and started the engine. “We’re on our way to lunch. Call me later.”
“This can’t wait.” He tugged on her elbow until she frowned and stepped out of the Honda.
She turned to the girls waiting in the car. “I’ll be right back.”
“Make it quick. We’re starving.”
James led her by the arm a few feet away.
Through clenched teeth she whispered, “Okay, since you suddenly remember me and want to talk, let’s get this over with.” She yanked her elbow from his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a jabberer?”
“What?” Her words didn’t register. “Don’t look toward the church, but you know that new guy, Blaine?”
“Yeah.” One dainty hand shielded her eyes from the sun. “Now about the jabbering.”
“Don’t talk to him.”
Her mouth dropped. “What?”
The anger in her eyes scared him. Joni would do the opposite of what he said. He took a breath. “Do you remember the Catalpa worms? The green squishy ones me and Isaac used for fish bait? We put them in the refrigerator at the farmhouse. I told you not to open the brown bag, but you insisted. Those icky worms crawled all over you. Remember?”
She visibly shuddered.
“This is one of those times, Joni. Don’t do it. I’m right.”
She giggled and his anger surged. “James, relax.” She straightened his tie. “I can’t stand the jerk.”
He closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you, Jesus.
She jerked down on his tie, forcing him to look at her. “You can’t tell me what to do and you can’t choose my friends.”
“But—”
“No buts. I decide. Now about the jabbering, you should’ve told me.”
Marla called her name through an open window.
“I have a lot of questions, but they’ll have to wait.” Joni sashayed back to the car and left him standing in the middle of the half-empty parking lot. From the doorway, Blaine’s eyes followed her. James stepped in his line of vision and caught his gaze. The dude propped his hands on his hips and grinned.
Whatever He Wants Page 27
